Taking accountability is an extremely difficult thing for a programmed ego to do. When I say programmed, I mean someone who fears rejection, distrusts their own decision making, feared expressing their own perception on a topic when being a child, and who received unjust criticisms for genuine efforts in their younger years. Accountability is like a hot potato for them. As soon as it touches their hands, they toss it right back to you. The emotional and mental pain from holding the potato is too severe. They don’t want to get burned. This reaction is understandable because they don’t feel safe. At the same time, it’s infuriating for someone who does accept accountability.
You are not necessarily here to be a therapist for people, nor is it necessarily your role to understand their mind. Your role is to understand your own mind whilst engaging with other people’s perception and communication style of their own perception. I am not a doctor nor a therapist. I simply know my mind. With that, I thought I would share a common message that young people received during their impressionable years, which once an adult, hardwired an escape route to withdraw from accountability.
It is common for a parent to approach raising their child with a mindset of knowing what is best for their child at all times. This is rarely the case and is often layered with fear, uncertainty, a desire for authority, and a strict sense of personal identity and ownership. In addition, the parent lived out a familiar pattern therefore educating their child to identify the same pattern and accept it.
These subliminal layers of uncertainty and codependency which results in a distrust of their own decision making as they moved forward in life, were built over time by receiving the same style of messaging from their guardians, peers, and other authorities, and therefore, hard wired their brain to approach advice the same way. Do it my way so that you do it right.
Parents most certainly do know what is best for their child. With that said, they do not ALWAYS know what is best for their child. Open mindedness goes a long way when it comes to raising a balanced individual. It is also easier said than done. Especially when you approach life based upon what you know and understand. What you know and understand was programmed by you each time you accepted a message. You program you. No one else does. You are also the one who must change your programming and then reprogram your mind if you desire change in your life.
Talk about taking charge in accountability. There is no one to blame for the way you choose to think and approach life, not even yourself. What you accept you create your identity with. What you identify with creates your reality.
With all that said, there are many tricks for communicating effectively to help defrag the garbage within a hard wired mind. This particular entry is focused on one sneaky little word in the english language which changes the message from confidence to insecurity and from accountability to shifting blame. This word, although english, has a common message attached to it, therefore is a common approach in different languages and different cultures around the world. The word may be different. The translation of the message is the same. With that in mind, if you speak more than one language, consider this word, then consider other ways the different languages speak to the same thing. Doing so gives you an advantage to remove this messaging within different contexts. Resulting in a positive change within a multitude of interactions.
The word is “should”. Different examples of the ways this word may be used are; “you should do this”, “you shouldn’t have done that”, “you shouldn’t do that”, and, “what should I do?”
Can you see the uncertainty and manipulation just in those examples?
“You should do this” translate into, “do it my way or you will get it wrong”.
“You shouldn’t do that” translate into, “don’t trust your decision or you will get it wrong”.
“You should have done this” translate into, “you don’t know what you are doing. Don’t trust yourself”.
“You shouldn’t do that”, again translate into, “don’t trust your decision making”.
“What should I do”, translate into “I don’t trust myself. If I get it wrong and have taken your advice, I can blame you”.
None of those scenarios make for an empowered individual who can take accountability for themselves, nor is it wise to take on someone else’s accountability. Reason being, as soon as someone says “should”, they are offering a window of opportunity to shift blame to the advisor. Even when the advice is layered in control and negative programming. With that, what can you do? You can avoid using the word altogether.
Start slow. Observe the use of the word. How common is it used in your reality? How often can you spot it? What instant thought do you have when you hear it? Doubt or confidence? Do you hear judgment and criticism? Is the word used with softness or irritability? All these factors, when noticed, increase your awareness of the risk of using that word.
When you do hear the word, correct it immediately inside your mind. The power lies in recognition not necessarily outward expression. With that, at the very least, think inside your mind, “options over should”. This begins to reprogram yourself to approach a challenge with an open mind for solutions instead of control. Over time, you will speak to yourself in a confident manner.
Whilst you continue to place compassion as a top priority in your communications, you will naturally begin to eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary. Once this occurs, you see the conditioning of a programmed ego when hearing the word “should”. Your discernment heightens.
When someone is doing something that causes you to shake your head, consider these options instead. Option one could be to remain silent and allow them to learn for themselves.
Option two could be to identify an issue by directing their focus toward an open minded solution. As an example, “what all have you considered before doing this?”, or, “have you considered other options?”.
Option three could be, “you certainly go about things differently than I do. What made you decide to do it that way?”.
Finally, option four, when someone asks you what they should do, direct them to come up with their own solution. An example could be, “what are some options you have already thought of?”. Another example can be, “what is the problem exactly? Have you considered all the information before deciding what to do? What are they? Of those, what gives you the most confidence?”.
These are all examples of course. Those are some of the ways I go about communicating with someone who is insecure in their decision making. I maintain my own accountability whilst they keep theirs. I let people learn for themselves.
This style of communication is also effective with your children right from day one. Make it a habit to encourage trust in their own decision making. Even if it turns out to be shyte. At least they had the courage to do it and learn from it. When a child messes up, rather than say, “you should have done this, or, “you should have known better”, simply ask them about what they learned from the experience. Direct them towards empowerment rather than fear and shame.
You are a creature of habit. You speak naturally and effortlessly. With that, it is a habit to break. When you find yourself using the word, avoid shaming yourself. Instead, praise yourself, (within reason), for catching it in the first place. Catching the statement is a clear indication that you are changing your wiring. That is awesome, not shameful.
What should you do? Is a question no more. What am I going to do? What are my options? What are the short term and long term effects to my decision? What resources are out there who have information I can draw from?
There are several ways you can discover solutions and action plans without having to use the word should. With that said, the choice is yours on what you decide to do. It takes practice and dedication to make this sort of change. It can be done. One observation at a time.
LivWithClairity 
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