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(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

There have been several instances in my life when someone questioned my intentions and integrity. When Clairity advised me to reflect back on these experiences, my mind brought me to three spiritually impactful occurrences in my life. All three of these occurrences happened after my mini-dream-series with the lady in a blue dress. Two of the three experiences occurred during my time with Tranquil Spirit between 2006 and 2009.

I opened Tranquil Spirit’s doors in September of 2006. Tranquil Spirit was my spiritual sanctuary. The shop was adorned with crystals, divination tools, motivational books, natural healing support items, and other forms of peaceful memorabilia.

The store was equipped with four taupe coloured lounge chairs. There was a quaint little glass table sitting in the middle of the chairs. There were many a cup of tea and talk gatherings there. There were also three healing rooms overlooking a brook. The first room was my office. The other two rooms down the hall were for energy healing services. There was also a designated space to host classes and spiritual gatherings.

I loved Tranquil Spirit, so did my daughter, Liv. Liv shon bright when she was my little helper at Tranquil Spirit. Her shyness disappeared when she was there with me. To this day, Liv and I both have dreams of resurrecting Tranquil Spirit in some way.

Tranquil Spirit was a little peaceful escape for several people within the community. They didn’t necessarily buy anything from the store. I was okay with that. Tranquil Spirit was meant to be a safe haven for everyone. The center’s sign reflected that message with a rainbow aura silhouette of a person in a meditative pose. The silhouette sat under the words Tranquil Spirit.

After about a month of the center being opened, a woman entered my shop. I was standing behind the till when she appeared. This woman was unknown to me. Her energy on the other hand was all too familiar. She stood in the doorway, looked at me, then assertively asked “do you not believe in God? This is sacrilege!”.

My response to her was a quick “all paths lead to God”. I then smiled and wished her a pleasant day.

When I recalled that experience Clairity popped into my mind. “You responded to the woman eloquently and confidently. You did not question your intentions in that moment. What’s the reason you responded the way you did?”.

I knew my intentions with my services. I knew my character. I knew if there was a God, I am loved for who I am eternally. In other words, God knows my heart. I also instantly recognized the woman’s fear which stems from her personal beliefs. Her appearance in my reality was to see if I questioned my connection to all that is, as well as to affirm my commitment to my vision.

“Clair do you see how you saw past your doubts in your intuition when you released your fear of condemnation in that moment? You knew your intentions when the woman appeared at the entrance of your sanctuary. Knowing your intentions keeps you in a vibrational state of receiving divine guidance through your connectivity. This divine guidance flows naturally when you are fully aware of your intentions and presence. It is for this reason, you responded with affirming confidence rather than in defense. Your ego was set aside allowing your higher divine self to speak through you. You didn’t know that at the time. Do you recognize it today?”

Yes I can recognize the difference.

“Excellent. What do you remember of your second class of students in your intuitive development class?”, Clairity asked.

Oh now that was an interesting turn of events indeed. About a year into the life of Tranquil Spirit I was approached by several people asking me if I would be willing to teach them how to do what I do. When the idea first came to my attention I was hesitant. The reason I was hesitant was because I would only be willing to teach a course if I could prove the results to my students. I wasn’t certain how I was going to do that at the time.

I decided to do a dream-on-it exercise for myself to determine if developing a course was wise. (I used to ask purposeful questions before falling asleep so that I could retrieve an answer). The dream I had gave me the affirmative to proceed. With that, I wrote a program.

The course was spread out over a six evening, once a week, class, as well as, a compact version for full weekend events. Within this course were live hands-on experiments so that my students could identify with their intuitive strengths. Once the course was developed on paper, I decided to host three pilot groups at my center at no charge. The reason for no charge was because I believe in imperial data. My mind tends to follow a simple plan which is, once is an incident, twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern.

These pilot groups to determine a patterned result consisted of twelve volunteers per class, who met at my center one evening a week. The student Clairity was referring to was in the second pilot group before making it a public paid service.

During the evening of one of these classes, my students and I were seated around a circle on padded folding chairs. I had guided them through a meditation. Upon completion of the meditation I had each of my students share their experience. The student Clairity was referring to began her share with “I spoke with Jesus. Jesus wanted me to tell you that you are doing this for the wrong reasons. You have money on your mind. You are misleading people”.

Those words are not verbatim. They are extremely close to being. I know this because I was taken aback by her claims. I wasn’t expecting her to say what she said in the least. This student shared her perception amongst all in the classroom. All the students appeared a little stunned when listening to her claims.

“What was your response to Jill Clair?”, Clairity prodded.

My response was “I can respect your perception. There is more than one way of looking at something. I also know my heart. God knows my heart. Perhaps we can review your experience from another angle?”

I then asked the class what they may have perceived within the symbolism being presented. We discussed different possibilities. I moved the focus back onto the group by highlighting their uniquely different ways to interpret their intuitive understanding. Whilst also extending kindness to my vocal student.

“Do you see the similarities from the woman at the entrance of the center and your student?”

Yes. They were both questioning my intentions and connection to all that is.

“Yes this is true” Clairity acknowledged. “In addition, you maintained a consistent response. You allowed the influence of spirit to flow through you so that you could respond with love rather than defense. Do you see how knowing yourself intimately allows you to maintain confidence in your connection with God source? Your ego doubts dear. Your spirit knows the truth”.

My next thoughts were “I attracted those experiences to me. Does that mean that my impressionable energy was influenced by something dark?, or, are the people confronting me influenced by oppressive entities? How does that work exactly?” Clairity offered me some insight into these questions.

“To answer your question, yes, to both. Remember your experience with Grandpa Joe. Most people have divine guiding forces assisting them in this 3D experience. Some beings are void of higher frequency connectivity. Their awareness vibrates at a much slower pace. The evolution of these entities developed through free will choices over their existence. Their uniquely coded awareness chose their path through their ego states spread out over several lifetimes. In other words, they, like you, were created equal.

All beings are guided and influenced by unseen energy. This includes consciously aware energy. With that, a person can be telepathically influenced by a spirit being positively or adversely at any time.

A light being can intervene. Creating sudden messages being blurted out of you, or sudden change in your thoughts to alter your chosen direction. An ill intended being can also sway a person’s mind and equally create bursts of disturbing energy the same way. They can affect a person’s physical and emotional awareness without them being any the wiser. The more self aware you are, the less susceptible you are to oppressive thinking, and the more receptive you are to divine communication.

Clair, you attracted these individuals because all three of you resonated within the fear of condemnation. You all shared a common knowing in the potential for darker influences. You were all less self aware inside your mind at the time. This allowed doubt to be created in your frequency. Yours, and the other individuals’ doubts made room for darker influences to sneak into your mind.

No one was evil. All were tricked into thinking you were evil. You included. With that, everyone involved was being influenced by oppressive forces. The way an oppressive force is perceived is born through the mind of the perceiver. It is for this reason, dark entities can appear in different forms. Does this make sense?”.

Yes, I suppose it does.

Your energy is affected constantly. The less aware you are the more susceptible you are to outside influences. Energy transference naturally occurs within all of creation. Energy transforms into many shapes and sizes. Energy can therefore present itself in many ways. Including through different people. If you are questioning your morality, divine knowing, intended purposes, and personal perception, creation will provide you with people who will help you question it. You must question it before you can know it.

Darkness and light co-create your reality. Attracting experiences which question your spiritual moral standing requires lower frequency consciousness who are less aware and more susceptible to subconscious suggestion. This does not make them evil. It simply means they have a similar awareness within a different perceived reality. Your fear of being evil bled into your personal life as well”.

Clairity then went on to ask, “do you recall briefly dating someone who inquired with his church to determine your spiritual integrity?”.

Yes I do remember. He was a nice enough guy. Daniel lived in Saint John, New Brunswick. A little over an hour’s drive from where I lived in Fredericton, New Brunswick. I met him on the dating app I met Rosie on. I met Daniel in the summer of 2014. Almost a year after separating permanently from Bill and prior to meeting Rosie. I met Rosie in October, 2014. I think Daniel and I dated for about a month?

I remember telling Daniel, just as I did with anyone I was welcoming into my world, that I know things without people telling me. This rattled Daniel a wee bit after I had proven it to him. He decided to inquire with the Baptist religion he was honoring. On the last night I saw him, after our gym workout together, he informed me that his church felt I was either influenced by the devil, or I was a devil incarnate. My response was, “wow. Well alrighty then. This isn’t going to work. It was nice to meet you.” That was it. Our brief time together came to an end. At least he was honest. I respected that about him.

Clairity explained “these micro experiences in your life, both in business, and in pleasure, helped to create subconscious layers of doubt. It added an extra weight to your perception of who you are. Again, through Daniel, you reinforced the idea that you may have been created evil. Daniel happened to have a belief system which would agree with you. Both of you were resonating with oppressive thoughts based on conditioning rather than divine truth. This common fear is what enables darker consciousness to introduce telepathic suggestions. If you can conceive it, you can create it in your reality. This includes fighting with a demon.

There were two profoundly impactful experiences you had. One experience created a severe downward spiral in your business and personal life. The other ignited your curiosity into the astral realm. Visit those times Clair. It is time to discuss them so that light can shine upon the truth”.

I knew exactly what Clairity was referring to. The Ouija board and the Holocaust man. Scary experiences indeed.

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

I have come to notice a pattern as I continue to blog. It seems Clairity has been guiding me through the creation of a memoir of sorts? It looks that way to me anyway. I have asked Clairity if I am blogging correctly? As well as, what is being created exactly? Clairity’s response each time has been, “trust the process. We love you. Keep going”.

I love and welcome Clairity’s response. With that said, it’s a loving way to address the questions I asked without actually giving a clear answer. Is that the flip side to calling someone an asshole without using the word? Instead of it being an egotistical response, it was an angelic or ancestral one? Was Clairity’s response spirit’s way of deflecting the question? Fascinating. Would you agree?

No one can force the process. I may as well place my stubborn butt down on a chair, and do as I am told. Trust the process.

With that in mind, Clairity is guiding me to explain where I am at within my perception, as it relates to all the incredible, beautiful, and empowering souls I have encountered on my journey thus far.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has been the baby, the child, the teenager, and the adult, at some point or another in their lifetimes. If they haven’t experienced being an adult as yet in this lifetime, all they would have to do is check in with their emotions, and with their moral compass, to see what they would be like as an adult. They will know their true character, regardless of age. We are similar to Russian dolls. Our aura houses all stages of our ego. With the adult version being the outer most doll and the fetus being the tinniest of dolls inside.

You carry each milestone age within you daily. The way you react to your personally curated reality is determined by the layer, like the Russian dolls, within you that is being triggered awake.

The difference from one stage to the other within your awareness is where you are vibrating from within an emotional, and intellectual perspective. Both your masculine intellect, and your feminine emotional intelligence, are designed to coexist within a balanced and harmonious state of being. When your masculine and feminine are off balance, you are out of alignment within yourself. When this occurs, your physical world becomes a symbol for you to remember that balance is required for peace and harmony to exist in your life. This then ultimately creates a uniquely designed physical manifestation of experiences to help you realize this. You learn how to trust your feminine intuition through navigating emotional vibrations. Whilst simultaneously observing and discerning your wise move with your masculine energy.

In addition, your manifestations are an individual, and simultaneously, a collective focused transference of energy. Energy is magnified and multiplied the more angles of perception presents themselves. The multitude of angular perceptions then manipulate energy into a specific physical 3D form within your awareness. We affect each other.

There are two fairly common expressions which highlight what I am explaining. The first one is “great minds think alike. Fools rarely differ”. All insist on proving one’s self correct without considering another individual’s opposing perception.

To know you are one hundred percent correct in all instances in existence, all angles of perception must be visible to you simultaneously and within all experiences at all times. This includes your perceived opposition’s perspective within any arena of your life.

The second commonly heard expression is “it takes a village to raise a child”, which means, there are internal influences within you and external influences around you. All help you build your web of perception. What point of reference would you have to anything if there wasn’t some other form of being to reflect information back to you? We require collective thinking and movement in order to exist and be distinguishable within the “I am” experience.

Everything exists because all it takes is one awareness to conceive it, and another awareness to perceive it. The natural flow of energy takes care of the rest.

When we rely too heavily on our intellectual masculine energy, our feminine emotional energy remains fragmented and trapped at the age of perceived emotional trauma. During emotionally charged experiences, the child, and the teenage energy within us, quite often, overpowers the mature adult body we are being housed in. Once this occurs, the younger energy we all carry sees that particular present moment with a younger lens. Once this naturally occurs, an individual’s physical senses are then manipulated into a relatable experience the child or teenager inside knows. This causes uncontrollable emotional reactions when you are unaware of what energy you are working in. 

As an example, the nine year old little girl inside of me who was angry with herself for making a stupid decision with Necklace man would cower or cry when someone called her naive or impulsive. The teenager inside me would then take over and become defensive. Once my teenager became protective of my inner nine year old, my adult version would be insulted by the idea of my intelligence being insulted. This was my spiralled reaction before I made the connection.

I recognize today that I am in fact an insightful and rather intelligent being. With that, today I no longer feel insulted by a negative comment about my mental prowess. Today I read the person’s energy to recognize what they are telling me about them, rather than about me. I already know me. Due to this, my nine year old and teenager can remain at ease and safe within my wiser knowing.  

A person doesn’t see you the way you see you. A person can only see their version of you based on the lens they are identifying you with. The same person can see you from different perspectives all in the same day as well. Their perspective relies heavily on which inner energetic stage they are responding to you with. You are unable to see another completely for themselves for the same reason. You can only see a version of them which you can identify with. Depending on the stage of awareness your energy is at when with the person, determines the way you perceive them.

Your powerful perception is what creates division and loneliness, or inclusion and acceptance in your reality. The greater you empower yourself with a better understanding of the reasons you perceive things the way you do, meaning you are intimately familiar with all the ego stages inside of you at any given moment, the greater your ability becomes to change an outcome. When you are at this level of awareness, an awareness I myself am continuously working towards, you can maintain balance, and peace, through universal acceptance.

Without going into too much detail of each person’s life throughout my memoir, and based solely on what I came to learn, I can say that Rosie, Rosie’s mum, my parents, my ex husbands, my children, old friends, and perfect strangers, saw me based on their perception of love and based upon what ego stage I triggered in them most often. I in turn saw them based on my perception of love and my internal ego stages and ages.

My mum was raising her siblings for her parents by the time she was ten years old. Her parents worked hard and enjoyed drinks during their time off work. My dad was on his own. He was providing for himself by the time he was fifteen. His grandmother raised him from the age of eight until he was around fifteen. My dad, like my mum’s parents, enjoyed drinking alcohol. Pints of beer from the local pub usually.

Rosie was raised by a single mum who immigrated to Canada from Haiti all on her own. She then had to adapt to extreme judgments and projections based on her ethnicity. In addition, she worked three jobs just to make ends meet for her and Rosie. Rosie was her world. With that in mind, I can imagine having an extremely independent woman for a mum may have created some sense of isolation for Rosie.

Rosie may have been left to his own devices on a regular basis similar to that of my dad? Combine a doating mother who placed her son’s efforts on a pedestal, alongside having an absent father, and you’d likely end up with a child who carried heavy adult expectations and responsibilities similar to that of Rosie.

Rosie mentioned he was with the guys at the barber shop more often than not. They may have been his surrogate dad? If this were the case, I can understand the conflicting messages he would be giving himself when it came to outwardly expressing love towards anyone. I can imagine that his inner teenager was left highly confused over what true love with a partner was to be like.

My first ex-husband was living with his grandmother when we met. He had an estranged relationship with his father. His father suffered from alcoholism. My second husband was the middle child of five children. He mentioned his dad was different when he was a child, versus when I met him. He also mentioned his dad drank alcohol a fair bit in his younger years as well. Bill became an adult who enjoys whiskey, a lot. He also had a brother whom he perceived as competition in some way.

All this is to say, we all have pain. We have all experienced hardships. We have all experienced incredibly amazing things too! Think about it; how else are you to have a life of adventure if there was no one to challenge you? If there was no one who was willing to play your adversary for you?

Parents, siblings, bosses, and strangers; place these titles aside. Your most painful experiences have the potential to birth greatness within you. Without opposition how would you learn to overcome? How would you learn self love? If the experience was not needed to learn self love for yourself, perhaps the experience is for your ability to understand another’s ability or inability to cultivate self love? You can only help another when you can identify with their problem.

If your soul desired an intimate understanding of love, how would you learn to love yourself without someone “hating” you? If your soul desires the feeling of acceptance, how would you learn to accept yourself if there wasn’t someone to reject you? If you desire to be recognized, how would you build confidence in yourself to know you are important in creation, regardless of status or title? How would you learn to recognize this about yourself? If you had no challenge, what would be the point of experiencing evolution and growth within your own self awareness?

Acceptance can only be established within perceptions who can relate with one another. If you are relatable within a depressed environment, it may be best to understand your perception if you desire knowing you can change your reality. If you are accepted within an uplifting environment, then it would be wise to remain aware of your perception in order to sustain your peaceful life. Either way, the more you understand yourself and are intimately familiar with all the stages of your ego, the more selective you can be with what you are creating.

You always have a choice. As an example, if you, like my mum, believed that you were only around to raise someone else’s children, would you be a patient parent?, or, would you continue to reinforce that your life equated to sacrifice through parenting? Resulting in creating resentful energy for yourself by using your child as a symbolic reminder?

There are reasons for everything which is often determined in hindsight. The choice you make is neither right, nor wrong. Your choice is perfect for you because you are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing within your individualized perception.

You are creating your individualized awareness within a universal collective consciousness so that the universe can experience itself through you. Everything in creation acts as a symbol for you. The symbol is a representation of what you have been exposed to. Your free will then chooses the way your ego develops based on those symbols. Your developed ego then dictates what you see. This creates the cyclical pattern.

As an example; a dad symbolizes physical safety and a mother symbolizes emotional safety. Both symbolize unconditional love. When both these roles become obscured with layers upon layers of oppressed messaging, trust in one’s own perception and decision making, as it relates to self love and acceptance, weakens. When a person’s self love weakens, their ability to love another unconditionally becomes compromised. The role another person plays for them would make little difference. Love for a child, a partner, or a parent, would be strained within their reality because we see based on our lens of perception. What we see is rarely based on what is one hundred percent fact.

Once a person’s sense of emotional and physical safety have been compromised, subconscious fears take root. Our inner child becomes scared to express pain. These subconscious fears are then transferred onto the next generation. This is because the fear based projection coming from the parents, are coming from their own wounded child within. If internal fears are not overcome, fear doesn’t disappear, nor hide. It spreads silently from one generation to the next. It is for this reason, your history repeats itself until you change the way your history repeats itself. The same rule applies to your parents and other loved ones.

Further to this, before your incarnation, you orchestrated your empowering experiences for this lifetime. Everything and everyone exists at the exact same time. My parents true selves in spirit, along with myself, and ancestors, agreed to experience a version of each other in this lifetime based on a vibrational frequency that best suited the learning experience for all.

My mum perhaps chose to learn to see herself as important, lovable, and worth wanting to know. My dad perhaps wanted to learn how to feel loved and give love without compromising his career ambition, or seem too soft in his masculinity? If that were the case, they were a perfect match to learn from one another.

I came here to learn true love. What better way to learn than by being raised by two parents who suffered from feeling rejected? The best way for me to learn self love was by being rejected enough times to see loving myself is the only way to truly experience it. Who better to help me realize that than my parents, and ex partners?

No one is a villain in my eyes. Every person I have met, and will meet, are teachers for me to help me learn more about myself. If I want to believe no one can be trusted, then the universe obliges me with untrustworthy people. If I desire feeling accepted, then the universe will send me experiences to be rejected from.

Knowing I am loved and accepted within myself allows for wise discernment to flourish. Maintaining this level of vibration with others is also granted by the universe. These are our choices. This is my choice.

To gain an achievement, you must have an obstacle to overcome. My obstacle was feeling loved and appreciated. Today I get to write about it. I can write about it because everyone’s true spirit selves agreed to play my teacher. I love everyone from a spiritual perspective. Everyone. It is my goal, as you continue on this journey with me, you see the grand design of your life, so that you can see your pain as a teacher that aids in your ability to empower yourself.   In order to experience myself, I must experience you. In order for you to experience you, you must experience someone else like me.

My goal with spirit is to help you understand yourself from a subconscious and spiritual perspective. There are so many layers to your existence. We shall learn together. I need you to help me see what I have not seen. You need me to help you see what you have not seen. One page at a time.

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

The year 1984 was the most traumatic year of my life. I am fifty-one as I write this. Currently I am in the year 2026. I can honestly say, outside of the heart crushing experience I had throughout my time with Rosie, Necklace man broke my spirit the most.

My energy fractured on the day I met that man. Up until recently, my inner child from that day had been trapped inside a cave. I developed deep fear. I questioned my existence. I hated myself for being stupid. My intuition told me not to go with Necklace Man that day. I went anyway. In my mind I was the ignoramus like all the other ignoramuses my dad didn’t have the patience for. In my mind I lacked the intelligence I so highly regarded about my dad.

I also questioned if there truly was a God? I wondered, if there were a God, why would I have to experience something so devastating to me? I wondered if I was being punished. Why I was made so badly? I wondered why I was the way I was. Which was different in my mind. I wondered if I could change it. I thought if there were a God, that God would help fix me.

A young girl, about my age at the time, which was ten, invited me to her church. Lisa lived approximately three housing clusters over from where I lived. My parents, my brother, and I, lived in a subdivision of row houses on a busy Ottawa road called Baseline Road.

“Wanna come with us to church on Sunday? We could have a sleepover at my house then go to church in the morning. Do you want to?”, Lisa asked. I was excited about the idea of a sleepover. I was also curious about religion. “Sure, sounds good. I’ll ask my parents”.

With that, I asked my parents if I could go. I always went to my mum for permission to do anything. If I asked my dad, he would have likely responded with, “ask your mum”, or, “what did your mum say?”. My mum was fine with it. Both my parents gave me the freedom to explore my own beliefs when it came to religion. They didn’t encourage nor discourage my curiosity. With that, they allowed me to go.

The sleepover was awesome. It was everything you could expect from a night of young girly banter and play. The only drawback, if any, would be that Lisa loved to play with Barbies. I on the other hand leaned towards sports and tomboyish ways. I didn’t want to be a girl by that time. I secretly feared boys and men liking me too much. I figured if I dressed like a boy, and acquired similar interests, my Dad would bond with me more, and boys wouldn’t be interested in me sexually.

Imagine, by the time I was ten years old, I was hiding my feminine energy to maintain a false sense of security. I didn’t know that then. Had you asked me why I preferred to be a tomboy back then, I would have probably responded with, “I like baseball. I get along with boys better than I do girls. Girls are gossipy. Boys are whatever”.

I was also being picked on relentlessly by Helen and Kathy from school. They were two of the three groupies in Alexis’s mean girl group. I know it sounds cliche. There is some truth to the movies that depict school bullies. Mean girl groups existed in my reality anyways. These particular mean girls also happened to live three doors down from me, within the same cluster of row houses. All of our houses were attached. There was only one house between Kathy and I. Kathy’s house was attached to the house my house was attached to. Kathy’s house was also attached to Helen’s house.

It also didn’t help that Helen’s birthday was the day before mine. This meant that Helen had the birthday parties. The kids were unable to attend mine because supposedly the parents only allowed them to attend one party. My classmates, and the local children, chose Helen’s birthday three years in a row. I became an outcast for three years in a row.

Lisa, and another girl named Grazi, were my only friends during my elementary school years. Grazi had a crush on my brother, which was the real reason she befriended me. I knew that and still hung out with her. I enjoyed her company. We got along well.  Lisa was a genuine friend to me. She didn’t bring up my brother. We simply hung out together doing whatever little girls do. Lisa and I didn’t hang out together for very long. Her and her family moved shortly after the church experience.

Since Lisa and I were quite young, we had the option of going to the Sunday School section of the church during mass. Whilst we were there, a woman approached me to ask me a question. She asked, “are you baptized dear?”, to which I responded, “I don’t know?”. I didn’t even know what baptism was. The lady then went on to say, “oh well then, you’d best ask your parents. If you are not baptized you will go straight to hell”. That scared the living bejeezus out of me. I didn’t know what to say, nor what to think after hearing that. My mind went straight to Necklace Man. Perhaps I was born evil and was being punished for it?

On the drive back from church, I remained quiet. I didn’t tell Lisa, nor her parents what the woman had said. I was afraid if I did, Lisa’s parents would agree with the lady. If Lisa’s parents agreed, and I was not baptized, they may not let Lisa and I be friends anymore. If I was evil, I didn’t want to scare Lisa either. With that, all I wanted to do was ask my parents if I had been baptized.

I asked my parents when I got home that day. According to my parents, my brother was baptized through the Salvation Army. I was not. My parents explained that they felt it best I decided for myself what was right. They didn’t want to expose me to any doctrine. They said they preferred to give me the opportunity to explore my options and decide for myself. I can appreciate that today. With that said, back then, my young mind thought that I was treated differently than my brother. I interpreted their response as a way of saying, “we weren’t interested in baptizing you”. Which then turned into “you’re not worth the effort”.

When I found out I was not baptized, my mind spiraled into anger, resentment, and fear. “I’m going to hell when I die!” kept playing on my mind for years. I became fearful of organized religion. I blamed my parents for not caring. That’s all my young mind could think at the time.

I didn’t necessarily close the door to religion completely. Instead, I approach all organized belief systems with an open minded skepticism, including my own. I believe everything is based on someone’s perception. Due to this fact, there is always room for error. There is also always more than one way to look at something. With that in mind, I read energy rather than scripture. If the energy is authentic and welcoming, I soak it in. If the energy is empty, inauthentic, and, or, commercially driven, I remain observant. My lack of interest has less to do with any particular religious construct and more to do with the leadership of said organization. Intentions are everything. Observation is key.

“Clair, can you see how your mind was influenced in that moment? Can you see how subliminal messaging through horror films, paranormal stories, and others’ perception of evil, created an energetic resemblance in your dream state? The lady in the blue dress formed its energy around your perception of it. You created the look of this entity through your exposure to outside stimuli”.

Clairity’s explanation gave me pause to think. I thought, if I created the entity, is the entity real? Am I being tormented by evil? Am I the one who has a dark attachment? Am I Schizophrenic?

Clairity’s response was to remind me of my excursion with Grandpa Joe. When Grandpa Joe showed me the shadows in the dark alleyway he said they existed. 

Clairity then went on to say “you can hear us. You also heard Sarah’s voice when she helped you escape danger”.

Sarah was Grandpa Joe’s wife when they existed together on the earthly plain. Sarah was the woman with no face who appeared in front of my closet the very first time I met my Grandpa Joe. Sarah and Grandpa Joe were my father’s great-great-grandparents. They had long since passed before I was born.

My thoughts back to Clairity were in the affirmative, “Yes I can hear you, now”.

“Clair you have been able to hear us for most of your life. You chose to ignore your inner voice. It was by no fault of your own. You remained unaware of the spiritual warfare happening within you. You do remember when you were doubting the sale of your house in Grand Bay? You questioned if you were going to be able to sell it before taking possession of the Tranquil Spirit house?”.

Yes, I do remember

We had less than a month to put our house in Grand Bay up on the market, sell it at a reasonable profit, and then move into the new house in Fredericton. I didn’t think it was possible. I kept asking in my head, “does this house sell? Is someone actually going to buy this house?”. I received the response of two weeks. I questioned the response, only to once again hear “two weeks. We’ve already told you”. The voice spoke as if to say “stop asking and trust. Enough said”. We did in fact sell the house and make enough of a profit within two weeks of putting the house on the market. The voice was correct. I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. Moving into the Tranquil Spirit house was meant to be.

Connecting some dots I thought “the voice, was that you Clairity?”.

“Yes dear, that was us”, was Clairity’s response. All that time I thought it was Sarah’s voice I heard.

Clairity then went on further to say, “there are unseen influences circulating within and around you constantly. Just like in the earthly form, there too are oppressive spirit forms who can, and do, influence the minds of those in the physical realm. Light beings in spirit are also influencing the earthly plain through telepathic means. As well as through electromagnetic frequencies.

Energy can move energy. You are always given the choice of whichever telepathic influence you wish to listen to. When a person is experiencing a cluster of oppressive thoughts and experiences, they may very well be tormented by unseen influences in their mind. Resulting in fighting an unseen demon similar to your lady in a blue dress.

You became fearful that you were an evil spawn. Your mind therefore created an evil adversary to help you prove you are a child of God. Does this make sense?”.

Yes, it does, sort of.

“How can you prove something if there wasn’t opposition to help you prove it?”, Clairity asked.

Good question, I thought.

“Clair I would like you to follow Jack down the evil spawn rabbit hole. Follow the breadcrumbs by recalling different times you were accused of witchcraft or devil worshipping. Then I would like you to recall the Ouija board”. 

The Ouija board was freaky, scary, and curious all at the same time. Inanimate objects really can fly on their own!

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

There I was sitting on a waiting area chair inside a hospital. Bill was seated next to me. Across from us was a large window which allowed Bill and I to see inside the surgical room. A medical team was working on Bill’s mother.

As we sat there in silence, I had the urge to look through the small double-door windows in the hallway. I then felt the urge to get up from where I was seated. I walked through the double doors. On the other side was a large hallway. Similar to any general hospital you would come across in life. The hallway itself seemed normal. What was standing at the end of the hallway was not.

Directly in front of me and at the opposite end of the hallway, stood a woman wearing blue medical scrubs. I knew who she was instantly.

“You are not who you present yourself to be!”, I exclaimed.

In that moment the nurse, or doctor, transformed into the lizard-like, dark entity I had faced previously on the beach. The entity started to come towards me then said in a deep, intimidating, and gruff voice, “I am not here for you. I am coming for him”. Motioning its head and glowing red eyes towards the double doors I had just come through.

I knew the creature was referring to Bill. Once again I became stern and committed to my position. I addressed the creature’s intentions by affirming my strength and authority. I said, “you have to get past me first.”

The blood started to pour down the walls. I could feel the warmth of the pooling blood at my feet. The dark entity then said, “I am coming for him”. That was when I once again got down on my hands and knees and proclaimed, “I am a child of God. You have no power over me. You cannot have power over me unless I give it to you. That is the law of free will. I have power over you, not the other way around”. I then opened my eyes in my dream to a sterile hospital hallway once again. The creature vanished. I turned around and looked through the little window of the double doors. I saw Bill with his head held downward. I then woke up.

Bill had challenges with remaining positive. Optimism was difficult for him to muster. He often referred to himself as a realist. This may be true. With that said, if I was having a rough day, his was usually worse or on par with mine. I felt like I carried optimism for the both of us. When I awoke from that dream I knew Bill was susceptible to oppressive outside influences. My first thoughts, to which I did not share with Bill, was “shit. Now Bill is going to mentally spiral downward”.

Thinking that way must have helped to physically manifest extreme challenges. The reason I say that is because it was less than a week later when Bill decided to cut off my business phone number without telling me. He also took a job in another province. Bill then decided it was too much effort to find an apartment for my dear furry dog friend, Sam. With that, Bill abandoned Sam in a provincial park just outside of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada. Bill abandoned Sam the day before we moved to Nova Scotia August 01, 2009.

I still hold traumatic guilt about Sam to this day. The memory of Bill escorting Sam to his vehicle, alongside me knowing what Bill was about to do with him, haunts me. The only animal I have been able to bond with since Sam was Kody. Kody was helping me heal that wound.

I can recognize my life took a sudden turn for the worst after having that hospital dream. I suspected the dark energy circulating Bill and I was going to have a deep effect on us. I took that dream seriously. I also kept it to myself.

After recalling that dream, and identifying the chain of events which followed, I recognized I was experiencing fear of persecution. I was also hiding this fear behind Bill’s choices. Bill was the perfect candidate to help me reject the idea of me being a divine being. I held a false belief that I was potentially born evil. I wondered if I was a false prophet or charlatan. I wondered if maybe I was influenced by darkness. This doubt led to fear of being wrong. This doubt also led to fear of persecution after permanently exiting this world.

“What would become of me if I were messing with people’s minds and emotions? What would come of me if I were lying without realizing, and making money at it? I don’t want to mislead people”

Bill questioning and doubting life, as well as seeding doubt into what I was able to do with my intuition and career, was perfect alignment for the both of us. Through Bill’s belief system of being tormented by dark little shadow people, and his overall susceptibility to depressive energy, allowed me to give up on myself and my passion with Tranquil Spirit. I wasn’t exactly aware of this fact until Clairity continued with her line of questioning to help me get to the root of all this fear and uncertainty.

“Clair, whilst Tranquil Spirit was alive and well, you invited a guest spiritual teacher to your center. You decided to participate in her class. If you can recall, this lovely mentor guided you to a familiar past life. When she asked you what you thought of the experience, what was your response?”

My response to Donna was “I hated it. Sorry Donna, it was awful for me. I’d rather not experience something like that again”.

Donna’s reaction was shock and surprise. She then said, “oh I am sorry to hear this. It seems you may have some past life energy affecting you to this day”.

Donna was correct. I am grateful for Donna’s teaching. Her guidance in that moment was the catalyst to profound understanding later in my life. Thank you Donna Somerville for being you. You made a positive difference in my life.

“Yes, Donna was correct. What was it that you experienced whilst in this guided trance with Donna?”.

Now that’s a bloody good question. I had never experienced anything quite like it before then. It was as if I was in another dream. Similar to when I was a soldier facing my men being persecuted in the war. Only this time, I was caged inside a metal box.

In this trance-like experience I found myself seated upon a small wooden bench. I was inside a metal container. Similar to that of an old telephone booth. Except not quite as tall as a telephone booth would be. The only light available whilst inside this box was a slit the size of an envelope mailbox slit in the front door of a house. It was a horizontal opening incorporated in the symbol of a cross on the outside of the door.

I didn’t speak English at this time. I also found myself having to answer a question asked of me by a man who had his ear up to the slit in the cage door. After I answered his question, I felt the container I was in lift up off the ground. I was being carried somewhere. Inside my mind I kept on thinking, “what if I’m wrong? What if they are innocent? If I am wrong I will die”. After having those panicked thoughts I broke out of the meditative trance.

Clairity went further on to help me understand. “You recalled a past life when you were used as a psychic guide. Your ability to remote view the opposition’s positions was capitalized upon. You misread the energy which guided you to your persecution in that lifetime. You were killed for being perceived as incorrect. This end led to a cellular memory affecting you in this lifetime. Can you see how you attracted interactions with people who would agree that you are a charlatan being influenced by a devil? Can you also see how you welcomed continued exploitation of your talents?”.

Clairity’s questions gave me pause to think. There were several instances when someone referred to me as evil.

The most traumatic memory I have was when I was curious about my friend’s religion. I was nine years old when I was told I was going to go straight to hell. I was so scared by that idea I must have thought to look at my arse to see if I had a secret tail.

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

I found myself standing on the side of a road made out of cobblestone late at night. The ground was damp and the air was crisp. The only lighting were gas fired street lamps at the entry doors into other building structures. There was also one street light cascading down from above me. I’m not certain what kind of light it was. I didn’t look up to see it. I didn’t feel any physical sensations nor was I familiar with the area. All I knew was I felt as if I was supposed to be there.

Across from where I was standing was a pub. It was wedged in-between two buildings. One building was attached at either side of the pub. The pub looked like a little hole in the wall with merely a red wooden door and a large street facing window. The pub looked small from the outside. The area I was standing in reminded me of olden day England. Perhaps the last eighteen hundreds or early nineteen hundreds I suspect. You’d have thought the alleyway I was standing in would welcome the likes of one of  England’s prolific serial killers, Harold Shipman, or the notorious Jack the Ripper.

As I looked to my left and then to my right I saw no one. With that I suddenly felt the urge to cross the narrow street and enter the pub. When I entered through the pub’s main entrance I found myself at the top of a four stair landing. I descended the four steps to find myself positioned next to the bar on my left. When I looked to my right I saw a long L-shaped red leather sofa inside a large lounge room.

Seated on the sofa was a tall dark haired man. He was dressed up as if to be attending some form of black tie event. Instead of a black tie, this man had a red tie on and a red handkerchief sticking out of his left chest pocket. He had one arm draped across the top of the sofa, and his other hand was on his lap. He looked straight at me and said nothing. The vibe I received from the man in black was authoritative and highly wealthy. He intimidated me and intrigued me at the same time. It seemed as though we knew each other without knowing each other.

No sooner did I see the man in black, a telephone rang. The ringtone reminded me of the old rotary phones that you had to put your finger in the selected number hole, then rotate the disk to reflect the number chosen. It was definitely an old school phone ringer.

The next thing I heard was, “hey, this is for you”.

A rather large woman, I’d say over six feet tall, with light brown hair and a strong physique, handed me the receiver of the old phone. I placed the receiver to my ear and said hello. All I could hear was “gibberish, gibberish, mumbling, then Michael”. I responded, “I think you may have the wrong person?”, to which the voice on the phone repeated the gibberish, mumbling and finally the name Michael. I then looked at the bartender and said, “the call isn’t for me”. The bartender, with her brown eyes, looked into my eyes and said, “are you sure?”. I responded, “yes. I’m sure.” The bartender then acknowledged by taking the phone receiver back from me whilst saying “alright then. You’re choice”.

I remember feeling confused by the bartender’s reaction to my rejecting the phone call. I didn’t stay focused on her long though. My attention shifted towards the pub’s bathroom. I walked towards the restroom and entered. Once inside I found myself in a room much larger than the pub itself. It was as if I entered the bathroom of a Luxury hotel. Fit enough to accommodate fifty people comfortably inside. The floor was marble looking. The ceiling was extremely high, at least two stories tall. There were bathroom stalls. It was in one of those stalls where I saw two women standing together.

One woman was wearing a white flowy dress. She also looked to be about eight months pregnant. She looked to be young. I’d say she reflected the same age I was at the time, which was my early thirties. The woman beside her had long brown hair, and stood about two inches taller than the pregnant women stood. She was wearing a light blue form fitted dress that fell to just below her knees. The woman in the blue dress seemed to have been consoling the crying pregnant woman.

I interjected the lady in blue by telepathically pleading with the pregnant woman. “Please don’t cry sweetheart. You are meant to be pregnant. You are a beautiful person and will be a wonderful mother. God blessed you with your baby for a reason. You have been chosen for the role of guardianship. Everything will be okay”.

As I said those words, the pregnant lady looked up at me from crying in her hands. The lady in the blue dress then backed off of the pregnant woman by removing her hands from the pregnant woman’s shoulders. I then reaffirmed once again, “God loves you. Your child and you are gifts from God”.

As soon as I said God, the lady in the blue dress whipped her head and stared straight at me with disgust. I then exclaimed “you are not who you say you are! You are a…”

I didn’t get the last words out of my mouth when the blue dress lady started to morph right in front of me. Her eyes started glowing red. Her dress shredded off of her like magic. Her head then morphed into a bald, scaly skinned, lizard-like thing. There were no visible horns, nor a tail that I could see. It did have sharp, jagged teeth that were discolored and animalistic looking.

When I telepathically declared that I could see the creature, the creature lunged at me. The walls in the bathroom started to cry blood. The floor started to form into a pool of blood. I became afraid whilst also stoic.

When I saw the blood streaming down the walls and pooling at where my feet were supposed to be, I knelt down. I then began to pray “I am a child of God. You have no power over me”. I repeated that affirming prayer three times. On the third prayer cycle, I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, the blood was gone. The creature had stood less than a foot from me. It looked me in the eyes with its burning red eyes, tilted its head, and smiled with its knarly teeth. I woke up to that image.

Upon waking from that dream the next day, I wasn’t really disturbed by the dream. I was more curious. I thought “what would make me pray like that? What would make me say I was a child of God? I didn’t go to church. I had no formal education on the topic. Yet, there I was, adamant and affirmative of my connection to God and all that is. Where did that knowing come from?”

I found it, and still find it, fascinating to say the least. I didn’t realize my curiosity was going to be explored even further the next night.

I found myself standing on a beach. The white sand was warm and inviting. There was luscious tropical foliage and a bluff extended out into the water. The sun felt warm on my body. I felt light and peaceful. With that feeling I took in a deep soothing breath. That was when the thing appeared.

Standing near the bluff on the sand was the lizard-like creature. It was the same devil in a blue dress. It started to advance towards me. At that same moment I felt dirty. It was as if smog came rolling in. Creating a slimy overcoat on the beautiful foliage and me. “I have to get away from this thing”, I thought. With that, I went into the water.

I swam as far out from the shore as I could. I then turned around to see the thing standing right at the water’s edge. Waiting for me to return to shore. I could see its glowing red eyes piercing right through me. It stood there with a smug look upon its face as if to say “you must return, eventually”.

Next thing I knew the sky turned a charcoal grey. A storm was rolling in. Lightening started to strike. Thunder started to roar. Then one by one, dead fish heads and torsos started to emerge from the water. There were fish with bulging eyes and only a skeletal body. Other fish had large mouths with sharp jagged teeth petruding outwardly. The water itself became rough and slimy. I had to do something. I found myself having to make a decision. Do I remain in the oily water with all the dead marine life, or do I go back onto the beach to face the demon head on? I didn’t have an answer so I prayed. I closed my eyes and thought, “I am a child of God. You have no power over me”. As soon as I thought of those words, I woke up from the dream.

When I awoke that morning I was disturbed. My curiosity for knowing to pray so naturally was still there. With that said, I didn’t understand why I was experiencing such a nasty adversary. I wasn’t someone who suffered from nightmarish dreams. More often than not I had pleasant or prophetic dreams. Dreaming of a potential devil rattled me at this point. I was afraid I was going to have to face it again. My intuition was correct. My fear was warranted. Night three was about to commence.

“I’m a child of God” was in my thoughts as I entered another dream state. I then felt myself float upwards with my eyes still closed. I could feel the sun’s heat upon my face once again. I could hear birds chirping. A sense of peace washed over me. I felt lighter, safe, and free. Even though I had my eyes closed and could see nothing, I felt as if I was floating on a bed of love without a care in the world.

“Open your eyes dear”, was the male whispering voice I heard. The voice was similar to that of my Grandpa Joe’s. The voice was so similar, I thought it was my Grandpa Joe. With that I opened my eyes. It wasn’t my Grandpa Joe.

Staring right into my soul, about six inches from my face was the glowing red eyes. It inched in just a little bit closer so that I could feel the heat of its breath and snarled “not so easy is it?”. I instantly panicked and woke up.

I was visibly rattled by that experience. I had sweat beads on my forehead when I awoke that morning.

“Yes Clair. That three dream sequence was disturbing for you. You were fighting oppressed energy. This energy has been circling your energy for quite some time. The influence of this energy created doubt in your authentic connection to all that is. It also created havoc in your perception as it related to your spirituality and morality.

Do you remember the dream you had of being in a hospital when you once again met the lady in a blue dress?”, Clairity asked.

Yes. Yes, I do remember.

It was right before Bill had announced his plan to move us to Halifax, Nova Scotia. Away from my creative business sanctuary, Tranquil Spirit. Once again, I found myself watching the walls cry blood.

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

As I mentioned in a previous entry, your life is like a four-legged chair. The chair is the support system in place for you to experience your life. The first leg of this chair represents family and social circles. The second leg represents your chosen vocation. The way you receive from the world, and the way you give back to the world. The third leg represents your divine faith and, or, your scientific understanding of all that is. This leg represents the ethereal realm and your awareness of it, in whatever form of symbolism works best for you. The fourth leg represents your inner child, inner teenager, inner adult, and inner wise being. All the energies you carry throughout the run of a day. This chair leg represents each energetic reflection of you throughout your current life journey. This leg is your health in mind, body, and spirit.

You, sitting on the chair, represent love. You are an accumulation of all your lives, awarenesses, ego states, and divine reflections. You are love. You assert your perception of love based upon the way you define yourself to be. You do this consciously and subconsciously. You are the navigator seated upon the chair. The seat and chair legs are your support during your life journey. Your natural assertion as to who you are, whilst seated upon this ethereal chair, then ripples outwardly. Creating forward momentum whilst influencing your chair’s ability to keep you supported.

The waves of energy you create based upon your self reflection of love can develop added weight upon each of the legs of the chair you would be seated upon. Depending on how well balanced you are within your own energy determines how effective the legs of your chair would be.

Heavy burdens based upon fear of the unknown creates cracks in your support system. When you have a subconscious fear, your chair begins to wobble. One or more of the other chair legs are then relied heavily upon. The other legs of your chair become either a distraction to lift the weight off of the stressed leg, or, becomes a permanent crutch to lean upon for answers and support. What are you learning when someone else is doing the work?

The heaviness you would be carrying within your awareness bleeds over into other aspects of your life, naturally. When this occurs, the masculine and feminine energy within you becomes misaligned. You feel off balance. Due to this intuitive knowing, your ego compensates by acting within whichever of the two energies is most prominent and familiar. Regardless of physical gender identification. Your physical manifestation due to this stressful imbalance can then produce physical ailments, accidents, and other less than desirable results in any area of your 3D life.

Take me as an example; I relied heavily on my feminine energy, so much so, I developed a co-dependent, people pleasing, mindset. I had to prove I was a good wife and friend. I had to prove I was a good mother for my children. I had to prove I wasn’t a burden. I had to prove that I was of value. My ego had to prove this so much that I became nurturing to a fault. Meaning, I ignored my own needs in order to fit into another person’s world. I also naively chose to see the good in people, always. With that, I made excuses for people’s poor behavior. I avoided intellectualizing the truth. I suppressed my masculine energy to properly intellectualize what had occurred in my life. The feminine energy within me forgave people before it was naturally time to do so. I also glorified people’s efforts the same way a mother would react to their child’s artwork, “Picasso!”. Well, perhaps not to that extent. I’m sure you understand what I mean.

With the help of Clairity today, I am able to maintain a balanced awareness between my masculine and feminine energy. I am also able to observe myself energetically. I am aware of what I am internalizing during the moment of an experience. I can instantly correct and reposition myself based upon what I am observing. When I am aware of an imbalance, I observe the crack in the leg I created. I then ask myself questions in order to see the crack from different angles. Then I fill the crack with golden love by creating a new perspective of the difficult experience.

I polish and maintain the beautiful Japanese art of Wabi Sabi in my mind by creating self loving boundaries. I am the guardian of my Wabi Sabi chair. I continue to polish my chair by remaining aware that there is darkness and light in all of creation. I am wise to have personal boundaries, knowing everyone is doing their best to navigate their energetic influences, and utilize them, for the purpose of self awareness, to the best of their abilities. In other words, when a person chooses to hurt me, they are unaware of what it is they are truly doing to themselves. Loving them from afar is perfectly acceptable. I choose a pain free life, thank you.

You, your chair of life, the legs attached to your chair, which support your weight, are all connected. Therefore, the love you have for yourself, alongside the self awareness you have developed within each leg, determines what you attract and experience in your life.

Now that I have a better understanding of my family and social circles leg, I can continue to embrace love in all its forms. Both close, and from afar. I also know all three of the other legs need much tending to. My vocation has received several cracks. My overall physical health has deep crevices to fill. My spiritual leg is strong. It was also carrying a deep crack called torment. My spiritual leg is what I chose to work on next.

Standing in front of the door that read, “Dancing With A Devil”, was Jack. He handed me a golden key then gestured me towards the door. It was time for me to revisit my arch nemesis, the “lady in a blue dress”.

“Clair, you have held great fear when it comes to your divine birthright. You asked an important question. You asked, “what’s the reason I can hear you so clearly?”. Would you like to know the reason?”, Clairity asked.

Yes, I do.

Clairity then went on to say “do you remember sitting on the park bench with Kody, when you visualized a devil sitting beside you in the ethereal realm? Do you remember what it was you telepathically said to this energy?”

I remember that day. It was sometime in August, 2024. It was just shortly after the Imagine Dragons concert in Toronto, Canada that was held on August, 08, 2024. I knew Rosie and I were over at that time in our journey. I had accepted that my life was about to take a drastic turn.

On that summer day in August, I thought in my mind, “alright devil, you win”. No sooner did I think that, I thought, “I see you devil. Come. Sit beside me. I’m not afraid of you anymore. Let’s have a chat”.

In that moment I felt an energy beside me. In my mind’s eye, I saw a masculine formed entity with a dark face and red eyes. Similar to that of Lucifer, in the Netflix series called “Lucifer”.

I then went on to say “you have been following me for long enough. You have influenced the people around me long enough. You have kept me in fear long enough. Your words “not so easy is it?” makes clear sense to me today. I chose to ignore you so I wasn’t able to see you. I can see you clearly now.

I also respect you. Your role within the grand design of creation is required in order for me to learn and grow. I also know you hold great dominion within the 3D plain of existence. I am aware of what you are capable of, therefore, I am aware of what anyone is capable of. An unaware person can be influenced by your energy telepathically, easily. To influence me, you are going to have to get through my wise self first.

I am also aware that I must respect you in order to assert my own dark energy in a healthy manner. Your influence allows me to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

I am aware of you. I see you. I recognize your importance within all that is. I also know you have no power over me unless I give it to you. I have power over you my friend, not the other way around. I am a child of God. I see you, clearly”.

As I revisited that empowering day in my mind, Clairity went on to say, “the day you confronted your form of a devil, you gave yourself permission to hear us. The moment you chose to truly see the darkness, you also chose to see the light. One does not exist without the other. It is for this reason your energy became receptive to us. You had naturally increased your frequency the moment you had released yourself from your devil’s control. Now what I would like you to do is revisit each time you know you, or the people around you, were being influenced by this oppressive energy. We will visit each one by working our way back in time. Remember the dream you had when the devil snarled, “not so easy, is it!? at you”

I remember that dream. It’s as vivid to me today as it was during those three consecutive nights of hell. It was around my birthday in May of 2006. I had just walked away from receiving long term disability benefits through an insurance company. I had plans to open a spiritual center in Fredericton, New Brunswick. I was determined to make something of myself. My spiritual appetite was my passion. I had to follow it.

The dream night began with me walking into a dimly lit pub. That’s when I saw the devil in the blue dress for the first time. I know that’s the encounter Clairity was referring to. I had a battle on my hands. I just didn’t know it at the time.

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

Clairity helped me understand and embrace what love was for me. Clairity also introduced me to Jack, my rabbit, inside my mind. I am grateful for Jack entering my awareness back in 2023. He acts as a symbol of childlike innocence, as well as action for exploration. Seeing Jack inside my mind with his top hat, black vest, red handkerchief, and golden pocket watch, helps me to remember, I am a child learning about myself. There is nothing, nor anyone to blame, nor fear. Only pathways to discover and to explore. Jack, for me, is like an imaginary friend who takes my hand and says, “you asked the question. Let’s do this!”.

There were several doors in my mind that Jack stood in front of for me to choose from. Jack seemed to always have a key available for me to unlock a door in my mind. I had to assert my free will to use the key. All Jack could do was show me a door to another rabbit hole portal. The way I asserted my free will was by asking myself, and the universe a question. Then I remained present in my mind to receive an answer. That’s also how I met Clairity.

I asked Clairity a question about my parents one afternoon whilst walking Duke II. After I received the response I said, “as painful as that is to know, thank you for the clarity. It makes perfect sense.” I then heard a response in my mind that had a different resonance. The voice responded with “you’re welcome dear”, to which I quickly acknowledged back with “who are you?”. The voice inside my head then whispered “call us Clairity”.

When the student is ready the teacher shall appear. I was ready to learn. I chose C.l.a.i.r.i.t.y for the spelling of my inner voice’s name because with the exception of the second “i” in the name, all the rest of the letters are within my first and last name at birth. The extra “i” in Clair.i.ty represents the “i” in my middle name, Marie. My first name is Clair, without the “e”, and my last name starts with a “t” and ends in a “y”. I figured the name spelt as Clair.i.ty was fitting.

I was also receiving clarity for many questions I had. I didn’t share this fact with Rosie when he helped me set up some technical applications with the spelling of Clairity, back in the beginning of 2024. There were many things about my spirituality and what one might consider, paranormal experiences, in my life, that I kept quiet from all three men I had committed myself to over the years. I didn’t keep them quiet out of malice. I kept them quiet because they would have had a difficult time truly understanding me. I, myself, have had a difficult time with truly understanding it over my lifespan. I didn’t trust Albert, Bill, nor Rosie enough with that information.

Some of the questions I had asked Clairity were “what’s the reason I can hear you so much clearer today? Have you always been with me?, and who are you?”. The responses I received floored me.

“Clair, you know you have been guided since birth. You have had enough experiences during this lifetime to know you have been connected with us all along the way. Fear had prevented you from fully embracing your energy. This fear was developed through your ego phases over several timelines, and over several lifetimes.

Your connection to all that is, is one of your chair’s legs. Now that you have a better understanding of what love means to you and for you, you have a choice. Jack can give you the key to unlock your fear of mysticism, or, you can recollect your fetal energy from when you were inside your mother. Doing so would complete your fragmented energy when it comes to self love”.

My first thought was, “my fetal energy?, what?”, to which Clairity responded “your fetal energy, it is then”.

“Clair, understand that what I am about to share with you comes with no physical based proof. What I am about to share with you is of a spiritual nature. Making it a much deeper layer than the conscious awareness, you, your parents, and anyone else would find themselves in. With that, the knowledge I am about to share is for your acceptance, release, and for the reshaping of your full essence. Unless your parents were fully aware of the driving force behind their choices, and willing to admit these influences to you, they will not necessarily admit to the truth. Can you accept this realization?”.

Yes, I can accept.

I know I had already said goodbye to my parents. It was highly unlikely I would ask them anything about me. I also accept that what I experience internally is still of my personal perception. Therefore, there is room for error and misunderstanding. There is always more than one way to look at something.

With that, Clairity went on to ask, “do you remember what your mother said when you told her you were pregnant?”.

Yes I remember. When I called my mother in New Brunswick, from Scarborough, Ontario, in 1996, to let her know she was going to be a grandmother for the first time, her initial words to me were “don’t think I am going to babysit. Been there. Done that”. I had no thoughts of asking my mother to do anything. Even if she lived in the same province as me, I wouldn’t have dared ask her to watch my baby.

“What’s the reason that was your first thought when your mum said that?”, Clairity asked.

The answer to Clairity’s question was easy, I knew my mother didn’t like children. My mother was not the nurturing type. Clairity then went on to further ask, “what was your mum’s response to you when you told her of your choice to abort your first pregnancy?”.

My mum’s response was “don’t tell your father you did that. He would disown you. Your father is staunchly against abortion”.

Clairity acknowledged my awareness with “excellent Clair. Yes, that was your mother’s response”. Clairity then went on to explain, “there was a reason for her responding to you that way. If you can recall, your mum was married to a man prior to meeting your father. You may also recall your mum speaking of her first love being seen by her on the day of her wedding. She told you she regretted marrying your brother’s father the moment she saw her first love that day”.

Yes, I remember.

Clairity then went on to explain, “you are only twenty-three months younger than your brother. Of those twenty-three months, nine-and-a-half of them were inside your mum. Your brother was fourteen months old when you were conceived. Your mother met your father after leaving your brother’s biological father. Your mother was only twenty-one at the time. She and your brother were also living with your mother’s parents when your mum met your dad. In addition, you saw a wedding photo that you were in. Your mum referred to you crying in the picture. Your parents married after you were born. Do you remember how many times your dad asked your mum to marry him, according to your mother’s recollection?”

According to my mother, my father asked her to marry him eight times before she finally said yes. Clairity then asked, “do you remember how old she said Craig was when she left her first husband?”.

If my memory serves me correctly, my brother was four months old according to my mum.

“Clair, I asked you how old your brother was when your mother left his biological father because it highlights how long your parents knew each other when you were conceived. Your parents knew each other only a few months when your mum became pregnant with you. Your mum was pregnant with you when she was twenty-two. She gave birth to you when she was twenty-three. Do you remember the reason your mum gave you as it relates to her leaving her first husband?”

According to my mum, she left her first husband because he became physically abusive with his temper. My mother left her husband after the first time he hit her. My aunt, and mother’s younger sister, was physically abused by more than one man by then. My mother wasn’t having it. I was proud of my mum’s courage to leave and stay away from her first husband, if what she explained was in fact true?

“Clair, with there only being fourteen months in between giving birth to your brother, then leaving a physically abusive man, to meeting your dad, and falling pregnant again, your mum didn’t exactly embrace the idea of having a child when she conceived you. Your mum gave you hints to this fact. Can you see them?”

I was at my mother’s wedding. I was a child called It, who deserved to be drowned anytime I cried. My mother spoke to my dad about an abortion. That’s how she knew he was against it. They didn’t marry out of love, they married to make immigrating to Canada easier for everyone. With me being both their biological child, them being married would have saved red tape paperwork. The reason my parents were together was because I was born. If my mother truly wanted to marry my dad she would have said yes to him the first time, rather than the eighth time, right before immigrating to Canada.

Clairity then went on to remind me of my dad’s choices the night I was born. According to my mother, my dad was off getting drunk at a pub whilst she was in labor. Supposedly one of my dad’s pub friends had to remind him that I was about to be born. With that, my father left the pub, drunk, in a taxi some time during the night of May 18, 1974. Whilst he was in the taxi a song called “Oh Clair” came across the airways. The song is about pedophilia. I’m not certain if my father knew that. With that said, he decided my name was to be Clair. He named me after that song.

My mother was certain I was going to be a boy. She was so certain that she told my dad he could name me if I were a girl. When my dad arrived at the hospital I was already born. With that, he announced my name to my mother. My mother liked the name Clair more than any of the other suggestions my dad had to offer. My dad thought of Victoria, Elizabeth, Isabel, and Sarah. My mother disliked and made fun of all those names, as did her mother. With that, Clair stuck.

“Clair, how do you truly feel about your dad being drunk the night you were born?”.

Honestly, I feel shitty about it. My dad didn’t even remember I was being born. Let alone want to be there to welcome me into the world. I felt rejected long before I knew I was rejected.

“Correct Clair. What does your intuition tell you today?”

My intuition tells me my mother would have aborted me if my dad had agreed. My intuition also tells me my dad didn’t really want to be a dad either. My parents gave me life out of obligation, not love. I likely felt this rejection through energy transference between me and my mother. No wonder I came out of my mother butt first saying “kiss my ass” to the world the day I was born. It’s also no wonder that I was over two weeks late when I was born. I was probably procrastinating because I knew I wasn’t welcomed. Well holy shit! Will you look at that! Wow!

“Clair, you have often said you felt loved out of obligation. You also said you thought being useful was the only way to get approval. Do you see how much deeper your pain and fear of rejection comes from?”.

Yes. Yes I do

Clairity then went on to instruct, “it is time to meditate and visualize yourself inside your mum. Picture the fetus, then the early growth, right up to your birth date. From there open your arms like a mother would and draw the fetal energy back into you. Reaffirm your love. Reaffirm this energy is a part of you. Realign the energy back in with yourself the same way as you did with your past life in the military. Call your energy back. Make a commitment to yourself to always exist with love and self acceptance. Doing so can create beautiful Wabi Sabi for your love leg attached to your chair.

That’s exactly what I did. I followed Clairity’s guidance. I embraced the tiniest of baby versions of me. I declared myself my own father and my own mother. I am my own parent. I love me unconditionally. My parents were a portal for me to enter this world. I am the life.

“Excellent Clair. Now you can embrace authentic love and welcome it into your life. When you are ready, we can explore your fear of money and mysticism so that you can incorporate those past lives back into your energy today. Until then, take time to fully relax into the acceptance of this awareness. Jack will be waiting for you. There is no rush.”. 

Jack presented me with two doors and two keys. One door read “Follow The Steps Down Below”. The other door read “A Dance With A Devil”.

Which door do I choose first?

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

What is love to me?, and how does it tie into the front man for Coldplay, Chris Martin? Those are good bloody questions Clairity asked me.

I have been isolated since leaving Rosie on August, 27, 2024. When I say isolated, I mean, no friends, no family other than my daughter and her daughters, no active cellphone with an active number, and absolutely no desire in meeting people through any form of dating app nor social app. I have also been celibate since leaving Rosie. Basically, I have detoxed all people’s energy from my energy. So, how would I possibly be able to answer Clairity’s question, “what does love mean to you?”.

My family immigrated to Canada from England when I was two-and-a-half years old. It was September, 1976. My family consisted of a mother, a father, my brother, and myself.

My brother and I were sent to England when my brother was sixteen and I was fourteen. My parents sent us there for the summer of 1988. It was during that time when I met my cousins, second cousins, my aunts, one uncle, and my grandparents on both sides of the family. I learned a great deal about my parents struggles as children themselves after being with their parents in England. Today, I can connect dots as to the reasons my parents raised me the way they did.

My mother married her father in my dad. My dad used my mum to project his resentment for his own mother. My dad married his mother. My parents loved each other through a familiar love they had when they were children. My parents then raised my brother and I the way they understood love to be.

My dad’s comment about how different the men were in my life in comparison to his character has been clarified in my mind. If you have been reading along in my journey since day one, you, like me, see the hidden patterns, in both positive and negative, traits with my father, Albert, Bill, and Rosie. There was also a pattern in the lifestyle I was experiencing whilst in those committed relationships. I was living out the same rejected love patterns my mother was living with. I was living the familiar love both my parents were living in. My parents were living the familiar love patterns their parents were living in. The generational love patterns were alive and well in my familial bloodline, until me. I have chosen to change this unhealthy love cycle. My purpose for being here is to experience love so that I can teach self love and acceptance.

The last time I saw my family in England was around 2008. My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with uterus cancer. My mother wanted to be with my grandmother for a few reasons. Some were legal, and some were personal. My mother paid for me to go with her because my dad didn’t want to go. The trip to England was horrific and is my last memory of England and any form of extended family.

After arriving in England I developed a blood clot on my rib cage. The doctor at Tameside hospital felt the long plane ride may have contributed to the blood clot. It was highly recommended I not fly back to Canada when I was scheduled to leave. The blood clot was located below and near my heart. There was concern about another long flight so soon after this. There was a high enough risk of the flight being potentially devastating for me. During the first week of being in England I felt like I had suffered a broken rib. It was challenging to take deep breaths. It was also a challenge to sleep at night because the cramping in my legs caused me to toss and turn. Fun times.

Tameside hospital back then was incredible. I was born in that hospital. They still housed all my records and took care of me as if I had never left. Of all my medically related experiences, Tameside hospital was top notch. Believe me, extending that true perception is challenging for my ego. My ego is still healing from medical traumas. Thank you Tameside Hospital for truly being there for me back then. I felt seen and truly cared for.

The night before my mother and I were scheduled to fly back to Canada, which was two weeks after the hospital visit, my grandmother’s house was robbed whilst we were all gathered at my uncle’s girlfriend’s house. We went over to my uncle’s girlfriend’s for dinner. I was agitated all evening. My mother called me “misery guts”. She then became irritable with me because I wasn’t being pleasant enough with the family. I was being too quiet and withdrawn. I told her something felt off. She dismissed me. When we arrived back at my grandmother’s house, we came into a broken home.

Turns out the taxi driver, who I had energetically picked up on whilst he was driving us across town, called people to let them know my grandmother’s house was empty. Those people then broke my grandmother’s kitchen window and stole several items from her home.

My uncle and I had a fight that night. He wanted me to lie to the police by saying more expensive jewelry was stolen from my suitcase. I didn’t have expensive jewelry. I had cosmetic jewelry at best. I refused to lie to the police. I refused to let my uncle fraudulently receive more insurance money than my grandmother should have received. This infuriated my uncle. He let me know his thoughts. I in turn let him know mine. My grandmother was taken to the hospital. I never saw any of them again.

All this to say, my family is my children. My family is extremely small. All I had ever known about my family was they were English people who only hugged dogs and horses, and who were alcoholics, and racist towards others. They were also people who stole from one another and who took advantage of people when the opportunity had risen.

I knew no other form of love from England. I had even said that I would never go to England again. I actually wanted to kiss the ground when we arrived back in Canada. Like Katy Perry from her astronaut days. I would have if I thought the frozen ground wouldn’t have locked my lips into place.

I have held incredible sadness when it came to my perception of English people. This perception is a form of stereotype and cultural racism. I knew this and yet had no idea how to break free from that ugly perception. I understand my dad, it doesn’t mean I have to continue to develop a mind like him. My English people were his French people. This line of thinking was simply not okay for me.

I was struggling to find love within my heritage. That was until Chris Martin from Coldplay appeared on my TikTok algorithm. I had already known of Coldplay before their Music of the Spheres global tour. They have a song called “Yellow”. There is a lyric in the song that goes “skin and bones turned into something beautiful.” When that song first came out I was severely underweight. It was sometime between 2000 and 2002, I believe? I used that song from then, and up to present day, as a reminder to myself. When I sing that song, I am singing it from me to me. I am skin and bones being turned into something beautiful. I am beautiful. I am making a promise to myself when I sing those lyrics.

I also find it fascinating that the song Yellow came out during my second employment at Yellow Pages. I returned to them when Bill wanted to move to Ontario to be closer to his kids. They were living with their mother close to where we moved to. Only for them to move back to New Brunswick two months later. We moved back to New Brunswick. Bill wanted to follow them. With that, I only worked for Yellow Pages for a few months when I had returned.

With that, a song Yellow referring to someone who is malnourished, came on the radio waves when I was either working for Yellow Pages, or shortly thereafter. Yellow was a fitting song for me in my world at that time in my life.

With that said, I only really associated Coldplay with that song. I knew, and still know, nothing of any of the band members. What I know is what they represent for me. They represent unity, peace, acceptance of all, and cosmic understanding through open mindedness and unconditional love. Some of their songs speak to me because they closely represent my life journey. With that, the little Coldplay videos that came across my screen were truly enjoyable.

Over several months, in addition to the mini Colplay snippets, the name Chris would come into my awareness in some way shape or form. One in particular was when my daughter moved her family into the home they have now. The front step has a welcome mat that reads “Christmas”. The first part of that word “Chris” was often the only part of the word visible to me. The rest of the word was covered by debris or other outdoor items. I used to think “ahh am I going to meet my Mr. Christy?”.

In addition to the several variations of the name Chris, a song from Coldplay called “Green Eyes” came across my YouTube. I didn’t know that song before YouTube showed it to me. I have green eyes. I can honestly say, I am biased when it comes to that song. I also thought, okay universe, are you messing with me? What the heck? Does my Mr. Christy like Coldplay? Is he sending me telepathic messages through some of Coldplay’s songs? I became curiouser and curiouser.

Mr. Christy is the name I associate with my forever person. Christy is the name of the late, great, Robin Williams’ character in my favorite movie of all time, “What Dreams May Come”. My person is my Mr. Christy. Seeing the name Chris as frequently as I did, alongside seeing a plethora of videos for the Music of the Spheres, created confusion within me. My ego even started to develop an attachment to Chris Martin in particular.

Many short clip interviews with Chris Martin appeared on my screen. I thought, “wow! This guy is actually authentic. Chris’s vibe, although diplomatically guarded, is equally warm and inviting. He’s English at that! Weird”.

Chris became an enigma for me. All I knew about english people was grey. How does an English man become so gentle in nature? Chris Martin intrigues me. He is nothing like what I perceived about my heritage.

I can also accept that Chris Martin is well off financially. He shattered my perception that you have to lose sight of your morality to become rich with money. He instantly shattered my perception of English people, especially English men, as well as, the ego of the wealthy.

My little girl ego wanted to hug the crap out of him. I had never felt those feelings for any celebrity, ever. I was also very guarded when it came to Englishmen. I had to understand it. Clairity helped me, as always.

“Clair, how well do you truly know Chris Martin?”.

I don’t know him in the least. I know what he represents. I know I would love to get to know him as a person based on what little I have been exposed to. I also know he has many stages of ego, just like me. That’s all I know.

“Excellent Clair. You can identify what he represents to you. Chris has been placed into your timeline to help you heal from familial trauma. Chris offers you a spiritual key to let England back into your heart. Yes your ego is starstruck. This is because of what he represents to you, not necessarily because of who he truly is. Can you see this?”

Yes, I certainly can.

I also can’t imagine Chris Martin would ever know I existed. I do pray he realizes that he impacts this world in profound loving ways. Just by being him. His music and life story through song is an added bonus. I believe in Chris’s ability to see his impact for himself. Thank you for being you Mr. Chris Martin. You helped give me hope that I can embrace my English family once again. Authentic loving English people do exist! You also helped me squash my fear about losing myself if I were to become rich. The butterfly effect you created is profound indeed.

I had never been starstruck in my life. I do appreciate a few talented people. Gerrard Butler has my heart because he can sing Phantom of the Opera better than anyone I have ever heard. I love the late Robin Williams for many roles he has played throughout his career, in particular, What Dreams May Come. That’s it. People are people in my world. What people do for work makes no difference to me.  What a person has or does is a reflection of this illusionary world. How they went about achieving what they have is a reflection of their true character. A person’s character is what is important to me.

Mr. Chris Martin represents much more than talent. He represents love within my heritage. I am forever grateful to the universe for guiding me to this realization, as well as Chris Martin’s, probably unknowing, role in it.

What is love? There is a riddle by the Sphinx that goes a little something like this, “what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?”. The answer is a human being. Have you heard it? Clairity offered me further insight into this riddle.

“Time is an illusion. Everything is now. Everything is made of energy. Energy transforms to meet a host’s needs in perception. You are the energetic frequency of your childhood. You carry the child daily. You are the energetic frequency of the teenager and young adult. You carry this teenager daily. You are the adult who houses a culmination of all ego timelines of you. You carry this energy daily. You are also the wise energy vibrating within you, which extends out further into the cosmos. You carry this wisdom and guiding force daily.

You carry the child, four legs in the morning, the teenager/young adult in the afternoon, and your wise one, an elderly person with a cane for three legs, in the evening, daily. Your awareness level determines which ego frequency you are tapping into. The less self aware you are, the greater the fluctuations in your energetic frequency daily. Your frequency rises and falls in direct relation to your thoughts and emotional vibrations, not necessarily your actions. You could unintentionally jump from an adult into a child at an inopportune time when you remain unaware. This happens to people all the time. Subconscious beliefs snap us back into the fragmented timeline it originates from. You can look like your adult self and yet be living in your inner child’s vibration.

You are also spread out amongst several lifetimes and dimensions. They are all you. To know love is to accept all of you. To accept all of you, you must journey once again down each stage of life from a student’s perspective, with fresh eyes and a thirst for knowledge. The more you understand your inner child, your teenager, your adult, and your wise self, you develop peace. In this peaceful acceptance is love”.

This is what love came to be for me. I love being a human child, teenager, young adult, and wise one. I love having the awareness to choose which ego state I wish to be in at any given moment. I also love that I can recognize which version of me is being triggered at any given moment.

Because I see myself that clearly, I can see my person’s inner child, teenager, adult, and wise elder, clearly. Which means, I can by his inner child’s guardian. I can be his teenager’s best friend. I can be his adult’s lover. I can be his wise person’s companion. I stand for equal reciprocity, which means, so does he. I know this because there is a person out there who thinks like I do. I would be arrogant to think otherwise. I may not know what it is truly like to be loved by a man, I do believe he exists, and I do receive the honor of his love. He in turn deserves the honor of my love.

“Clair, love is everything. You design what love is for you based on what you choose to learn and invite in. You can only give what you know. You knew pain so you gave yourself pain. You can only know when you receive. You have received rejection, which then became what you knew. You therefore chose people to reject you. Do you still see that as love today?”

No, for me, love means I am safe to be a child. I am safe to be an adventurous teenager. I am safe to be an ambitious adult. I am safe to express my wise discernment and observations. I am safe to be me. I am safe at being perfect within all my imperfections. I know this because this is what I give as my love to myself and to others, even if that love is from a distance. I stand for equal reciprocity, therefore, my loving person, who is a reflection of all that is, naturally compliments my peace by equally giving of himself authentically to me.

I love me enough to say no. I love me enough to say yes. I love me enough to not know. I love me in silence and in sound. I love me for being my own trusted guardian. That is what love is to me. This is the love my person compliments. Everything else is love in disguise.

Everyone else is designing what love is for them. Just because the love may be representative of something different, it doesn’t mean it isn’t love. Just because it’s painful, it doesn’t mean love isn’t involved in some way. Just because it is outside of what you know, doesn’t mean it’s not love. It may be learned love, it’s still an expression of love. Love is acceptance through surrender. Love is intimately knowing what love is for you.  Love is using discernment when giving someone the key to your heart. Love is being you unapologetically.

“Everything in existence was made with love. You are love. Design your love with you in mind. Let others compliment it.” ~ Clairity

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)

What the fuck am I doing? I have been writing almost everyday since November 16, 2025. I have written forty-eight entries with less than five readers following along. Who am I truly writing to?, and to what end?

To this day I am still living on a, now raised mattress, thanks to my daughter buying a metal bedframe, without two pennies to rub together. Everything I have attempted.to make something of myself, has failed. I have no energy left to help people understand subconscious pattern recognition, nor do I have the strength to keep putting energy into something that has offered no return. It seems what I have to offer isn’t interesting enough to make money from it.

With that in mind, I surrender. I don’t know what I am doing. All I do know is who I am and the reasons my life went in the direction it did. I accept my choices in life. I accept the outcome. I still hold peace in my heart knowing that my intentions have been pure. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be pleased with my efforts in this lifetime. I would also be proud of how much I have learned. I may not have been able to figure out how to make a living out of what I know, at least I was honored with the awareness to learn what I know. I also know my daughter can’t keep taking care of me. It is not her job to look after me financially, nor in any other capacity really.

I am honestly starting to question if there really is a God. I keep hearing Clairity whisper, “trust the process”. Honestly, that’s all I have been doing! Trust and having faith my work pays off. When is enough, enough?

I don’t know what else to do with my life. Is this all there is? Am I best to go to a group home?, or homeless shelter?, so that Liv can be free of supporting me? Liv makes minimum wage for crying out loud. With two small children to boot. Fuck!!! What do I do?? God, if there truly is a sentient being who truly sees my heart and soul, is this it for me?

I wouldn’t change my past for the world. With that said, who do I talk to about changing my present situation? I see motivational speakers and gurus talking. They are making tons of money without truly going deep into subconscious patterns. Many talk about the law of attraction and mindsets, yet rarely do I hear how to change subconscious beliefs and attachments. I had to figure it out for myself with Clairity’s help. Yet, here I am, still penniless. Am I simply playing with my own mind? I don’t know what to do. All I know is what not to do.

I know how to identify an ego. I can read vibrations extremely well. I can identify the true intentions behind someone’s thoughts and actions. I can communicate with spirit. I can see beyond the illusion. Yet, here I am, penniless.

Is this it for me? Am I meant to be lonely and penniless for the remainder of my days on this planet? Am I going insane? Anyone in my position probably would. I’m exhausted. Living in hope and prayer can be heavy to carry sometimes. I am feeling sorry for myself and I don’t know how to break out of it. I feel like I am suffocating inside myself. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am not meant to have all the answers. It would be nice to meet someone who does have some answers though.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is I want to live instead of simply exist. How do you break out of the only cage you have ever known? How do you open a door where there is no handle to turn in view? How do I figure out how to do something I have never done before? Where do I find the strength to take yet another leap of faith?

Today is a full blown ego day, and as it stands in this moment in time is, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing.