I went for a walk this evening, August, 10, 2026. I walked into the forest to sit on my trusted friend ‘Rockstar’.
As I have mentioned in many previous posts, you have a child within you. I do too. By giving nature around me specific names, I build a loving relationship with that being of light. Everything is alive and is vibrating God’s essence in some way. Nature is a magical place for me when I approach my world from a child’s lens. In addition to that, I also offer my gratitude to nature and God as a whole. There are several reasons as to why I chose to name a gorgeous and supportive rock, Rockstar.
I sit on Rockstar when I want to meditate. I walk to ‘Tree Tree’ when I want to smoke a wee bit of weed. Sometimes I walk to ‘Tree Tree’ because I am antsy with cabin feverish thoughts. With ‘Tree Tree’ being farther, the path inside the woods offers me respite from my little bubble of the world.
This evening whilst sitting on Rockstar, Clairity popped in. It seems I have been lovingly nudged to write down a closing entry to this book?, personal blog series?, online journal? Whatever this writing ends up being. My mind took me on a journey. My mind gave me my name. Clairity has taken over my predominant thoughts. With that in mind, this blog entry is written with the help of Clairity through automatic writing.
“Imagine yourself sitting on a vanity chair. You are facing a mirror. This mirror is magical. This mirror shows you the truth in who you are. This mirror guides you. This mirror is your projection screen. You are wee little. You are a child who notices everything.
One day you heard you were wrong for thinking that way. It was then when you looked in the mirror and muttered, “I can’t do anything right”.
In that moment music left your mind. The lyrics tumbled out of your mouth and hit the mirror you found. As you sat there in front of your own beautiful reflection, the magic mirror shuddered. The magic mirror waved a distorted look for a brief moment.
Then one day you saw another person laughing at you. You heard drums and trombones. You heard loud trumpets that said, “you don’t belong here”.
You went home once again. Back to your little cave. You once had a bedroom. It grew smaller with every door slammed in your face. Inside your room you went back to your mirror. You looked once again and noticed a chip in the corner. You pierced your eyes for a brief moment. You thought to yourself, “they called me ugly. It is because of them that I am distorted”.
Crack! You heard. The moment you thought that. The chip grew bigger. The chip is now a split in your character. The little piece of mirror that once stood in place, has been blown away by the small shatter, your new thoughts began to create. This chip became hidden. You were unable to find it. You fractured your awareness. A part of you was stamped into a different timeline.
The ghost of you stayed that wee little girl. Every time you looked into the magic mirror, the mirror fractured into more pieces. The ghosts of you began to appear throughout history and throughout your lifetimes. Overtime, you sat there. Not sure what to look at or to sound like. All you could see were parts of you. The rest was dark and hard to digest.
Then one day you noticed, you were no longer that little girl. You sat down one day and saw a woman staring back at you. You could not exactly make out who that woman was, so you began to ask deeper questions. You then introduced yourself.
“Hi. I’m Clair Marie. Who might you be?”
The mirror responded back, “hello. Please call me Clairity”.
When you heard your magic mirror talk back to you, a small glimmer of light broke the crack so that you could see more of you. A golden light appeared where a crack once was. This created your curious mind. This started your path of the alchemist.
With each forward motion back in time to where you sat, you revisited your pain. You began to see the cracks. The more you shared love and poured love back into yourself, your magic mirror collected the fractal pieces that were broken in half. With each thought, with each breath, with each acknowledgement, and with each loving acceptance of the truth, you poured golden love back into you. Your mirror then overflowed and ignited healing in the chair which supported you.
It is from this moment when you made a proclamation. You said, “Hi. I am Clair Marie. You are beautiful. It’s nice to meet you”.
The love you poured into all of your journey is the wabi sabi you created. It is the love of the alchemist. Your cracks are now filled with beauty stronger than words. You are your own alchemist. Your mirror is now golden for you.
You are the child. You are the student. You are the woman. You are the wise person. Your mirror shows you who you choose to visit. Love every version of you. Keep your mirror golden”.
Your world is your mirror. Your thoughts can create cracks which fragment your light consciousness. You can also revisit everything and anything painful so that you can honor your journey completely. Doing so gives you the full picture of your beauty. Doing so supports you under any circumstances. Doing so says “This is Who I Am”.
Love yourself so that you can see what I see. I see a glimmer of light within you. I see your golden glow. I see the divine being.
(Disclaimer: Mature subject matter. Reader discretion is advised. 18+)
Have you ever heard lyrics, sermons, preachings, poetry, or other forms of expression, giving a message of a stairway to heaven? This message is strong in many cultures and is believed in an infinite amount of ways. No two perceptions are identical. With this in mind, today’s entry is focused on the metaphorical message which is layered within the words, “stairway to heaven”.
When you think of a stairway, you most likely in vision steps leading you upwards or taking you downward. This makes sense. These are stairs. Jacob’s ladder is a set of stairs shaped on the form of rods. Your DNA inside your body is a spiraling set of rods made of chemicals and whatever else proper scientists can explain. With that, there are many points of reference to help your brain solidify a message within you, which states that your heaven is somewhere you go to, which is above.
Your stairway to heaven has another message to consider, which is your level of gratitude for everything which makes up who you are. This includes from a micro level, right up to and including the macro level. Your level of gratitude for your life as a whole, dictates where your frequency is vibrating at, and therefore, your position on your divinely constructed and metaphorically speaking only, staircase.
What do I mean by the micro level to the macro level, you may ask? The micro level is who you identify yourself to be on a daily basis. The micro level is your emotions, internal thoughts, and your actions which help to advance you forward in life. The micro level is your physical vessel, your journey in regards to physical matter in this lifetime, and your heightened level of gratitude; which would have been refined by your level of understanding when it comes to cause and effect.
The macro level is your astral body and your existence upon completion of your physical incarnation. The macro level is your existence at a grand scale. The macro level is your God consciousness within you. The macro level is the proverbial guru sitting in a peaceful pose on top of a mountain, or in the middle of rush hour traffic, and who holds gratitude for all of their learned experiences and their personal teachings. Regardless of circumstances.
The feeling which comes over you when you sit quietly and observe one simple truth, you exist, helps you to naturally exacerbate your breath. You may even release a sigh in a state of acceptance of this fact. When you hold gratitude for the realization that you exist, you sustain a higher frequency naturally. When you sigh, you release weighted down energy. This is how you “climb your stairway to your heaven”.
Think about it. You exist. You, right now, the one thinking and reading, you, you exist. Imagine that. Have you ever been able to escape you? Have you ever been able to stop thinking or doing? Have you carried on, on your way, on autopilot, and yet survived without awareness of how you even got there safely?
When you think about it. I mean, truly think about it. That in of itself is something well worth being in awe of. Holding that divine truth inside your mind on a daily basis is the highest form of gratitude, and the highest frequency you can attain, whilst in your personal incarnation. Gratitude and love for everything you have come to learn, is your stairway to heaven.
The in between rods of your ladder on your staircase are the people, places, and things, which you hold gratitude for. When you cast stones, you step down your ladder. When you express kindness, or reflect in retrospect, you then come to a healthier understanding. You step up on your ladder. With that, this is the proverbial ladder or stairway to heaven I am speaking on.
When it comes to where your heaven and your hell are as it relates to your stairway to heaven, I would like to offer a unique perspective. Let’s call this creative thinking. With that in mind, your heaven and your hell live inside your mind. You are consciousness. You have your own unique identity within an infinite creation and within all levels of existence. God is expansive beyond measure. You are not separate. You are God.
Consider your existence and where everything is like this; if you are the blood cell inside your own body, everyone else, including aliens, and other life forms, are the blood inside your body. A body represents God. When you are in your physical form, you are a blood cell. When you exit your body, you become one with the blood you had already existed in. Only this time you become all the blood cells simultaneously. Your perspectives shifts. When you explore in either form of existence, you explore within God. What you choose to do to help heal God or attack God, affects God and existence as a whole. Everyone has to chip in to correct the wayward blood cell. Does this make sense? With that, no one, nor anything for that matter, is separate. Everything exists and is a part of you, always. Because you exist, you cannot be destroyed. You can however help torture yourself, which by doing so, tortures God and everyone else who exists inside your version of God.
Gratitude goes far beyond your tea and crumpets. Gratitude goes far beyond your luxury items. Your gratitude goes far beyond your family and your friends. Your gratitude goes far beyond your physical health and your personal pleasures in life. Your gratitude is God consciousness loving itself no matter the circumstances and no matter the journey which takes you there. All paths lead to God. All paths have a divine stairway. Each step is a lesson to be grateful for. Each step offers love when you choose gratitude for what you had experienced. Love lifts you up. Unconditional love sets you free. Freedom is being one with all that is.
You are your heaven. Your mind takes you there. Accept your mind with grace. Love your mind so that it becomes a beautiful place to be. Love all so that the work that you offer as a little blood cell, helps to heal another part of God that could use your influence. Be true to yourself. Remember, everyone you have ever met was God showing you ways to love yourself. You can choose to believe people, or you can choose to believe in yourself. What you believe affects your molecular structure. Your molecular structure alters creation. Your gratitude heals creation. Your gratitude for everything is your stairway to heaven.
I am going to close this entry out with this little seed for you to plant and grow for yourself, if you so choose.
When you focus on the one who hurt you, you are in your ego. When you identify the pain, then choose to identify someone else’s pain, you are in your spirit. When you choose to look at the patterns and the causes and effects produced from them, you step into your god consciousness. When you can see that everything you went through offered you polarities to draw from, in order to acquire your middle ground, you gain gratitude for the realization. You no longer need to experience it. You have learned.
The one who had hurt you is doing the same thing. Hurt comes from fear. Fear comes from ego conditioning. A hurt and conditioned mind is an innocent mind doing not so innocent things. You and I have done the same. This is our learned existence. This is how we evolve. You are evolving inside God. You exist.
Your “enemy” is another godly blood cell who is attacking you because their signal is a wee bit out of wack. Love your perceived enemy anyway. Choose a different path for yourself by setting your healthy boundaries. Your supposed enemy helped you to see a crack in your foundation. Once you refill your cracks through your internal dialogue and retrospect, move onto the next adventure to learn from.
This is your existence. This is the way you move up and down on your own personal staircase or stairway to heaven as it were. This is how you come to see your heaven. No more blame, shame, nor torment for yourself, nor anyone else. Choosing pain over gratitude takes you farther down your ladder, not up.
Today, I must assert my free will consciously. Part of my free will is to write about the physical pain, emotional pain, and mental pain that have been triggered and that I am experiencing currently, as I write this out. In other words, I am experiencing snap, crackle, and pop, inside my right leg once again.
I went for a walk to visit with my nature friend, ‘Tree Tree’. As I exited the little forest, my right leg sent me a shock deep inside my muscle. It bloody hurt! It was sudden, and sharp. I am experiencing it right now as well. I feel like my body is attached to an electric shock machine. I feel like I am being zapped by a crazed person who enjoys the infliction of excruciating pain. Ouch!!! This pain is just like the time when I had collapsed at the school I was working for back in December, 2019. The pain is similar to an electric shock, only it’s inside my body. Ugh. No fun let me tell ya. It quite literally stopped me in my tracks and caused me to once again, fall down onto my arse. If I am unable to get whatever is happening to my body, I fear the same results will happen, which is to walk with the aid of a cane or a walker. No hospital stays for me please. Medical devices are a no for me please. I have come too far to be sent physically back now. That is not for me! Heal, heal, heal, completely, please Clair. God help me.
With that, the pain hit hard, so I had to sit on the side of the curb for a few moments. I began to rub my leg gently and in a downward motion. Next thing I knew, zap! Fuuuuuck!, was all I could think in my mind. The next thing I noticed was another little numbness underneath my skin. It is coin sized. Similar to the numbed area further up my leg. The same thing which landed me in the hospital in December, 2019. I am honestly scared at the moment. I have no honest clue on how to fix my physical health other than what I am doing, which is healing my mind to heal my body.
With that, I am journaling my thoughts out as I find this to be a therapeutic way for me to alchemize my own energy. I choose this over worrying my children with concerns to which they have little to no control over. Adding depressed and chaotic energy is no bueno for anyone. I can identify this truth. With great power comes great responsibility.
We all have free will. Free will has many layers. Many people are unaware of the hidden free will choice they are making. On the surface, it may look as though no choice could be had. When you look a little deeper, whether you like it or not, there is always another option. There is a solution for anything and everything.
You assert your free will the moment you identify your risk versus your reward. Your assessment is sometimes instant and other times well thought out. Your free will choice is established the moment you either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You also utilize your free will when you choose your self developed habits, addictions, impulses, as well as your chemistry with another person, topics of interest, and people you are passionate about and or desire. Your free will choice may be considered subconscious and therefore seemingly an automatic decision on your part. Subconscious or not, your ego makes a decision based upon a point of reference which highlights your risk versus your reward. Free will has many layers to it. Just like everything else does within existence. You, my dear reader, are like an onion. There are many beautiful layers to you.
Impulsive and premeditated acts of passion, to any degree or sense of the word, are free will choices in motion. Results may be unpredictable, vast, and may look or be different. The means in which to acquire your decision and ultimate results start from the same point, which is your gift of free will given to you at the moment of your conception. You are exerting your free will with every single thought you are having. You choose your words. You choose your thoughts. That’s how much free will power you have.
Another layer to free will is to either choose to be a victim, a hero, or the neutral observer in any given moment. Free will is a gift which requires a high level of responsibility and personal accountability. Free will is a beast sometimes. Free will is also a soft little rabbit named Jack. With that, Jack said hello in my mind. Jack said, “what can you do to alchemize this situation so that you can change it from pain into personal power?”
Write out my thoughts here. Pain or no pain, for me, this helps me see more clearly.
Damn my palms hurt too. I have to rest my hands from writing on this phone. I have to rest my hands from holding this phone altogether. My palms feel like something is stabbing me right in the middle of my hand. I keep stretching my fingers. This offers me some relief. I fear, whatever this is, is progressing at a pace to which I am unable to keep up. My hands have been shaking because of the discomfort I am physically feeling and the anxiety my inner world is stirring up. I know this.
My body is demanding rest. My mind is screaming, “I don’t know what to do!!! Haven’t I suffered enough!? I can identify the way I have physically manifested this. With that said, God, I love you, and I know you love me. Send me help, please! I don’t know anything about earthly stuff. I am not a doctor! I trust you. I know there are a team of people who know what the fuck they are doing, and who do not have a God complex, and who can scan my body head to toe to see what the fuck I did to myself. Then say to me, “right, this is the best and most organic way to heal your body. You can overcome this challenge without harsh chemicals nor FDA approved medications”.
I am pleading with God. This sucks. This is not graceful in the least. Ah well, my ego is doing what an ego does, which is to assert one’s own position. Alongside voicing my ego’s perception as it relates to my current circumstances. My ego wants to fight me to focus on what I do not have which could help me out with my physical needs. My higher mind tells me to stay calm and trust the process. Retorically speaking, which voice do I listen to? Fun times.
My ego has to be heard. I am scared. I can recognize this. My mind is my gold. My mind is my focus. My body shall heal. I am happy, healthy, and loved. Therefore, I am wealthy. I am wealthy. This is for me. There are solutions. “What can you do for yourself at this time? First of all, take a breath”.
That’s the way I talk to myself inside my head. I am always talking to myself. I truly love intelligent conversations. With that, I am slowly, and lovingly, guiding myself back into faith and trust over fear which only creates personal torment. No cave please. No personal hell please. I have come too far to climb my way out. This is my free will choice. I choose to be the observer of my thoughts. The neutral voice of reason over passion and conviction.
Passion and conviction layered within free will choice come with their own light and dark side. They have their own yin and yang. They have duality. They are both within you. Your ego teeters between love and light versus darkness and pain. Your passion and conviction can take you further into your own mental darkness or into mental liberation. Your ability to parent yourself, similar to that of an intellectual father, and a nurturing mother, will determine where you place yourself on the scales of light versus weight. Is your heart and mind as light as a feather?
The less aware you are of the power within your free will choices, the more you teeter into a militant or victim mindset. Risky business let me tell ya. Both those add weight to your scale of life. Lady Justice and or Anubis, I believe?, would feel your weight on the scale and determine you still had some alchemizing to do to realign yourself back into peace and acceptance of self. If that feather raises, your heart and mind are heavy.
To see your heaven, you must project your heaven. To project your heaven, your painful energy must be alchemized into loving acceptance. Loving acceptance softens your eyes to the truth. Softer eyes lighten the scale which weighs and measures your masculine thoughts alongside your feminine emotions. When the scale of life reflects balanced love and acceptance, which was acquired through your wisdom journey, your heaven appears. Your personal heaven first resides within you, so that you can project your personal heaven outside of you. This is the proverbial heavens gate.
Your mind holds your scale. Your mind holds your Lady Justice. Your mind holds your Mother Mary. Your mind holds your Yeshua. Your mind holds your Jesus. Your mind holds your Allah. Your mind holds your gods and goddesses. Your mind creates your liberation and punishment. Your mind and heart create your heaven or your hell.
So what can I do? I can remain aware of my ever increasing demand for physical rest. My body does not lie to me. Yes I am annoyed that I have no control over my situation, except to choose what to focus on inside my mind. With that said, annoyed or not, I must respect what my body is telling me. I choose to approach my health far differently than my stubborn ass did in the past. I honor my progress whilst identifying my ultimate goal.
My ultimate goal is to go to England to see about my physical health. I had seen a TikTok video that showcased new technology which uses a machine to scan your entire body. The process is relatively painless. I say the procedure is painless because, well for me, my feet hurt when I stand barefooted on hard surfaces. It also costs a wee bit of money. Physical discomfort with a bit of money is a price that I am willing to pay. Other than that, the machine gets down to the nit and gritty of what is happening inside my body. I can have the results and a consultation the same day too. That is bloody brilliant.
I have less interest in a clinical diagnosis. What I am truly interested in is a realistic assessment of my starting point. I work with my body, not against it. A knowledgeable professional medical team can help me with my game plan. I know some things. I do not have to know everything. With that, what can I do to help make that happen in the meantime? Great question.
I can remember there are solutions and support out there. I must respect my body’s current condition, whilst I focus on helping myself and others break out of self limiting, and self tormenting restrictions. I choose to remain focused on my work. I choose to breathe. I choose to focus on what I can do rather than what I am currently unable to do. My body is healing. My body is my temple. I can reduce my vape intake. I can reduce my walks to the forest. This sucks. That’s okay. It can suck. I love my body more. I can do this.
With that said, I recognize my passion and conviction for a better life for myself and others, can become prideful, desperate, and self centered, if I am not careful with how much I push myself. When I catch myself overworked or impatient, I quickly identify my ego’s will to overpower the situation. With that, I go back to my internal parenting skills. I step back and reevaluate. I move myself back into the observer’s position. I also remind myself that the law of gestation is exactly that, a gradual and evolutionary change which requires due process, patience, and trust.
With that my friend, your free will extends far beyond fate, destiny, and what food you would like to eat. Your free will is in your hands with every decision you make. Every decision you make alchemizes your energy into a physical manifesation. You are that powerful.
LivWithClairity 