Today’s entry is my last entry, as far as I know anyway. My Jetpack membership runs out somewhere towards the end of October, 2026. I didn’t attract any followers on Jetpack after writing for almost a year. My writing has reached but a few. I am unable to see the benefit in sustaining this platform for myself. The cost outweighs the benefits.
Resources are a challenge to come by for me and for my girls as it stands today. My daughters, Liv and Laura, have donated and have supported my vision for myself through what meagre means have been available to them for far long enough. I can recognize the pressure that I had placed upon myself, and upon Liv especially, by holding on tight to an idea of a positive change for myself and for both of my beautiful girls.
Am I crazier than I thought and needed psychological help? Perhaps? I don’t really know. What I do know is I love my mind either way. Crazy or no crazy. I love my version of crazy. Loving myself and being at peace with my world are not necessarily a guarantee. Your inner world in which you have curated and your outer world are complimentary worlds, not necessarily reflections of the exact same design. Anything can become questionable. Knowing this helps me to remember to check in with myself as often as possible. I must reaffirm my faith, trust, and moral integrity regardless of what my world is showing to me. It is wise for you to do the same. Each change in direction based upon your thought or a feeling must be considered to identify your cause and effect. The law of cause and effect creates changes in conditions and is in constant motion in your life. What you stop doing, be it in thoughts or in actions, another person picks up on to continue cosmic laws. Your impact is great whether you realize it or not. Your breath creates change, let alone any other form of action. There is no end in cause and effect. The more you identify yourself in this law, the more attune you are at achieving successful outcomes for yourself because you would have mastered the skill of looking through a lens of micro to macro cause and effect, before a commitment has been made by you. When you know your position, you know your impact for good or for bad. Can you accept your position? If not, what can you do within your mind to change it? That question helps you to identify cause and effect. That question helps you to tweak your approach and to refine your skills. Who are you when you create cause and effect with purpose? Can you honor your character before you receive any form of reward? Do you fear loss?, or, do you see what you have already gained which cannot be taken?
Those are questions that I ask myself fairly regularly. It helps me to release any fear of loss. Loss has become a friend not a foe. I have come to realize that loss arrives when it is time to let go, not time to hold on. I must let go of what I thought was going to happen for me and my girls. I embrace the loss of my vision for myself and I embrace the idea of another way. If I don’t let go of what I thought would be, then I would be choosing to sustain heavy pressure upon myself and my children. Who wants to live like that? Not I. Not my girls either. With that, to let go for me is to write about it.
I have identified that my peace of mind isn’t fully at peace due to unwelcomed pressure. I am sad and once again, I note a pattern within my own psyche. A personal and rather painful mental loop had been at play in my life. I still have fear which had given birth to a subconscious expectation of disappointment after effort.
“If I were to put in the effort, would anybody truly see it?”.
That question holds fear. That is the question that played in my mind each and every time I chose to offer help or my effort in anything or anyone. That question put the disappointed result into motion. I have felt invisible for most of my life. I expect to be overlooked. I also expect to be blamed for other people’s bad days. If I expected it, I created it. I know this is the case. I am disappointed that the divine timing for material resources is not meeting my expectations I have for my life. I see efforts from myself and I still experience invisibility. This is a subconscious mental loop which had created my end results. I am obviously still stuck in this mental prison and haven’t the foggiest idea how to break out of it.
Anything online plays with words such as “five easy steps to discover…” “These are five signs for…”. “This is true. That is true. This is bullshit. That is fake. Those were lies. Let me show you for a fee” etc. I notice people share knowledge for money. Surface level approach for deeper level gains. This is not for me. I find social media and most digital stimulus false and or irritating. Many experts offer snippets of information for a fee. The fee is your time, attention, energy, and financial status. A lot of online media promotes confusion for people and worldwide despair. What benefit is there other than a short distraction within a few minutes of a video?
When we assume what is true, it becomes true. Social media can be dangerous. Moderation is definitely beneficial in this instance. With that in mind, my brain requires my life to unfold outside of technology, not just to be told by way of AI and technology. Nature is my playground to learn. I prefer to live in the world not just watch it through a screen. Bloody boring to watch others for too long. At least for me anyway. Social media is disappointing for me at best.
Disappointment had been an ongoing theme throughout my life to be honest. My brain had found many ways to become disappointed. I have received many messages throughout my life that I am a disappointment for others as well. I see that I had expected disappointment. I can see that I have come to expect blame and ridicule. I also have no real clue on how to override my subconscious, conscious pattern, without tangible proof to fall back on.
I feel like I am in a slight catch twenty-two. The universe has got to help me out when it comes to this. I also know that I must be willing to meet my universe half way in order to receive the help. I must relax to allow the help to flow in.
When Yeshua had extended a hand, he did not step into the pit to lift someone up. The person in the pit had to reach out for Yeshua’s hand and then had to choose to climb up the side with sturdy feet. All the while maintaining a solid grip whilst Yeshua stayed on solid ground. No one does anything alone. Effort on both sides is required for true peace of mind.
I can manage my thoughts by identifying what I received as insightful gifts over the past two years. This allows me to remember that I am successful already, even when my outer world is in stark contrast. If I am successful already, then I am not a disappointment. If I am not a disappointment for myself then disappointment in life is no longer required. If it is no longer required, then there must be another way for me to break out of my own mental prison. I must release my expectations when it comes to my vision.
With that in mind, I decided to write thoughts and emotions I currently have down here inside my online journal for my own pressure release and for your consideration in your own life. I choose to honor my journey. Even when all seems lost. What better time to do it than when my writing is about to be obsolete.
I may not have attracted many people. I may not have broken free from homelessness. I may not have been able to stop other people from their choice to use me as an energetic target to cast blame. Blame is medicine for their financial pressures and for an inability to sustain relationships for themselves which are healthy. An unhealthy mind which is adamant, requires a mind which is in contrast to argue with. When they have me as a target to blame, they have a viable excuse. If they have a viable excuse to work with to stay in their negative mindset, then within their perception there is nothing for them to fix within themselves. They can breathe whilst I feel the energetic pain of their mean and hateful thoughts. I feel the pain of blame on a daily basis. I feel my energy drain when this happens.
My parents blame me for their pain. My two ex husbands allowed their family to cast judgment and blame onto me for their loved one’s choices. Bill uses his mental challenges as a crutch. He is a victim of my cold heart in his family’s perception. Bill is more than comfortable with their beliefs of me being a cold hearted bitch. Bill’s family had rejected my girls because of this tainted view of me. Both ex-husbands of mine know the truth and stay silent because it is easier for them to ignore their own mental struggles, or to stay in their mental comfort zones. Rosie had cast blame onto me and spread lies so that others would do the same as well. I have been a target for blame for many years. I still am to this day.
“You left because you are not as loving as you present yourself to be. It had nothing to do with my cruelty towards you. You overreact. You do no wrong. You narcissist. You are lazy and expect things handed to you. Stop using my son for his money”.
I can hear these words when they think of me. Those words were thought of on the first day of meeting them and on the last day of being in their lives. At least from what I could sense anyway. If that line of thinking smoothed things over in their world for them then so be it. What can I do about it? Nothing, really. I know me. They don’t have to.
I may know and I may carry this painful truth. I stay quiet. I know what is ahead for them. They feel the pain tomorrow. The truth of my true character does inevitably come out. It may or may not end up being in this lifetime though, and it may not come about in a way that anyone would thought of. People don’t realize what they sew today, they must unravel tomorrow if they desire true love and peace. Truth always comes out one way or another. Peace holds balanced scales.
To love one’s self is to admit to painful challenges which offer growth and unconditional love through understanding. You can’t be ignorant to the truth which you had already known in secret. You can pretend to be ignorant. It doesn’t mean you don’t already know and are hiding what is true. Once you know, you know. There is no going back once you know. Your moral compass is what dictates when the truth comes to the surface, not your actions necessarily.
As within so without. As above, so below. Inner secrets become outer truths. Light illuminates the dark. The dark must be seen to be recognized. To be recognized is to see the truth. Therefore, truth shall always exist and be further explored, and would eventually be seen once again.
I simply kept quiet about my true intentions and allowed people to think I am a failure. With that said, it is a challenge not to let their blame on me get to me. It sucks. Truth be told. There have been times which include today, when I feel like the ten of swords character in a Tarot deck. I feel like I have ten blades which are sticking into my back as I look to the universe and plead, “God I know you are with me. I know balance is in order. Please prove that I am correct in my thinking. Please balance the scales of justice. I require you in all your beautiful forms to help me. I did not sign up for a solo mission. Please help me show the truth”.
It is such a challenge to honor your inner world when your outer world isn’t exactly in alignment with it. Your inner world requires an outside world perspective in order for your inner thoughts to be valid and justifiable in your daily life. When your deep inner thoughts and true efforts are overlooked and are in direct contrast to your outer world view, doubt takes center stage. Doubt in any unknown creates fear of disappointment and is understandable. I give myself this grace. You would be wise to recognize your doubts and give yourself the most needed grace to overcome them in your time as well. Pressure can be alleviated the moment you identify your doubt and your efforts respectfully.
With that in mind, I believe my inner and outer world is a wee bit lopsided. I am also at a loss as to what to do. Other than to write what I have been given from the universe. I may not have succeeded in the way that I thought I would. I did in fact succeed in many ways though.
I offered a seed to anyone who had read my blogs. I offered a seed to those who had watched my videos online. I offered a seed to many people in many different ways. All I can do is offer a seed of information. The information I have given to people has derived from my life journey. I had offered a unique perspective for other people to consider. I had given seeds to plant and nourish, or to toss aside for someone else to enjoy. A unique perspective offering seeds of change is a beautiful thing in my books. This to me is a success.
What people do with the seed is entirely up to them and is outside of my control. I know this. The question I now ask myself is, am I at peace with my efforts? Regardless of the final outcome.
I have learned a great deal since I left Rosie in August, 2024. I have come to honor the fact that I know what I do not know. I love that there is an abundance of knowledge out there for me to discover and learn from. I have released the pressure of having to know before honoring what is right in front of me. I have learned that life is a trust fall. Each and every time you choose yourself without knowing all the details nor answers, is a trust fall. A change in job requires a trust fall. A change in a relationship requires a trust fall. A change in home and environment is a trust fall. Choosing to trust yourself whilst metaphorically blinded, is a trust fall. Life is about building trust in one’s own self. I think this was the biggest takeaway that I had received from my choice to leave Rosie. I have learned to trust my own observations. I have learned to trust my voice. I have learned the value of my life. I have learned to love my mind.
This doesn’t mean I am perfect for anyone. I am perfect at being me. I am perfect within all my imperfections. I am okay with not knowing things. I am okay with whatever title or label someone wishes to give me. According to my parents, my ex-husband Bill, and Rosie, I am a narcissist. This would be true if that is what they see. Labels and titles help us to identify reason. I can accept whatever reasons they have to consider me the way they do. As long as I know my mind, and my true intentions, I am okay with being a villain for them, and for anyone else for that matter. I can’t change their mind anyway. That’s on them to change.
I have learned that with every challenge there is a gift. The gift is a double edge sword which had been designed to offer polarizing views. With each painful experience, there is liberation. The pain which is identified indicates a surface level observation. Freedom of pain comes from identifying its counterpart.
As an example, infidelity tells you that you devalue yourself. It doesn’t matter if you cheated on your partner or were the one who had been cheated on. Infidelity indicates low worth. I learned to pay closer attention to vibes that I feel before any thoughts that I have. I learned to question a vibe and analyze it before taking action. I have learned to pay a little closer attention to what led up to a nasty exchanges. I learned to identify patterns in behavior that had emerged inside of me and in the person my ego was attached to? I had learned to pay closer attention to niceness for a price. I have learned that when I complained and stayed, I had inadvertently accepted and enabled horrible behavior. I had learned that whatever I had accepted, I taught my girls to do the same. I learned how little I had valued myself, and therefore had taught my loved ones how to do the same. My girls deserve so much more in life than the meal they had been given. I can see my role in the making of their meals.
I would not have known this had I not been cheated on nor had I not been used for target practice. I would not have asked myself deep questions to uncover painful truths, had no one been the villain to help me see. I can see incredible growth in me by having been through infidelity, mental and emotional abuse, as well as sexual assault from strange men. My intuition is sharp. My ability to read energy is ever growing and expanding. My connection to my universe and to Clairity is unshakable. This to me is honorable. This to me is my success in this lifetime.
I may be scared as to what may come next for me. I may be dealing with unwarranted and nasty judgments. With that said, I have peace in who I am. I just pray my God shows me I was right to trust myself.
I pray that the seed I offered you is worth your exploration. If you succeed and I played a small role in it, that is a true triumph for me. I do believe in a powerful butterfly effect after all. When I leave my body, I would know. The truth always comes out.
I end this now by writing, I am not sure what will come of my writings. They may be deleted once my membership has expired. I trust all is well even if that does happen. If you read this, then I already succeeded. I know my story. It doesn’t need to be online for me to be able to remember it with a smile and a truth in who I am.
Much love to you, always ❤️
Clair Marie. (No longer the child called It)
