(Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Read at your discretion. 18+)
One would assume I have lived a rough life, or I am ignorant when it comes to dental and personal hygiene. That would be understandable because I have been, (I am healthier in my weight today), below a healthy weight with no beauty standard care and living in a middle class area. I look to be homeless as I walk around in silence. I often wear the same clothing as it helps to offset the cost associated with laundry and electricity. I look to be someone who is either down on her luck or unaware of how I present myself. I recognize these thoughts from others. I can read their energy simply by walking past them.
There are individuals who couldn’t care less as to the way I present myself. With that said, there are many nosey parkers who entertain their curious thoughts with assumed knowledge about me.
Over my lifetime, in particular since being an adult, I have experienced projections sent my way, concerning either my teeth or my clothing choices. I had beaten myself up based on a reality of relentless bullies in school. I looked different so I was a target.
I am fifty-two years old as of this blog entry. I have no idea how to apply makeup?, nor do I know what colour palette is best for my face and eyes. I would likely be considered more plain Jane. Rather than considered to be a “cool” trend setter. People’s secret thoughts and cruel judgment, in regard to my outward appearance, had, in my fairly recent past, affected me deeply. Especially when I was living with Rosie between the years 2022, to and including, eight months into 2024.
The projections sent my way from misinformed individuals who judged my outward appearance, can be summed up in this word, “vagabond”.
I suppose I kind of am a vagabond? I roam around my little neck of the woods often. I roamed around every place I had lived, often. At least since I had a vehicle back in the year 2017. Two feet and a heartbeat is what I do to keep active. I have been walking for nine years.
In recent times, I wear the same clothes on multiple days at a time. I have a rather small selection of clothing items to choose from. I am noticed by interested and curious minded neighbors. I also find it rather entertaining to be perfectly honest. Back in the day, not so much. Today, I can see surface level thinking. I hold little to know emotions, other than amusement, nor do I hold any importance to “ignorance is bliss. Let’s tear down another to justify what I like about myself”, way of living.
“A diamond which most cannot see, is a rare diamond indeed. A gem so brilliant that when in the right care, shines brightly, and is worth far more than any mass produced gem in this world. Honor your rarity. Let others honor their choice in perception. You shine much brighter this way”. ~Clairity
As I have mentioned before, I am extremely sensitive to energy. I am aware even when I say nothing. I may not know exactly what a person thinks in a moment. What I feel is the intentions in their energy towards me within any given moment. I then translate the information into a message for myself. I trust my assessment until God shows me otherwise. It’s simple really. When I have enough data, I take necessary action. When I have some data, I observe patterns until I am satisfied with my assessment.
With that, over my years, I had received different judgemental messages similar to, “she’s a hypochondriac”. I “heard” this from my parents, my brother, occasionally Rosie, and Rosie’s mum.
“She’s looking for attention”. I “heard” this energy from my parents, brother, Rosie, Rosie’s mum, and some past school teachers and classmates.
“You need to put on weight”. I heard this externally from my mother, Rosie, and a couple of past acquaintances.
“She looks like shit”, or, “poor Clair. Constantly struggling”. I “heard” these thoughts from all people I have ever loved and currently love within my circle of people. You get the picture.
All of these projected energies aided in the deterioration of my health. My mind absorbed their messages. I agreed with them so I attracted those energetic waves towards me. When I read their messages, my brain internalized them as the truth. I fought with myself.
“I know something is wrong. No one believes me. Perhaps I am being dramatic? Perhaps I am a hypochondriac? Perhaps I am an attention seeker?”.
I didn’t like the way I looked. I did look like shit in my eyes. The morning mirror told me so every time I looked into it. My mind took over by exacerbated thoughts of confusion and no satisfying answers to ease my mind. I felt alone in my health struggle. With that in mind, my physical health declined. My health is a co creative work of art, basically.
If you doubt what a person is saying about you, then there is likely some part of you who believes in the possibilities based around an outside opinion. When you are neutral in your stance, you likely don’t know what a person is talking about, or, you recognize they see a version of you which best serves their insecurities, and therefore, has little to nothing to do with you. “I think you protest too much”, has merit.
Your brain cannot distinguish the difference between talking to someone else versus talking to yourself. Your brain absorbs and process information solely based upon what you tell it. What you tell it is what you are thinking or what you say out loud. When your words create an emotion, You produce a vibration the moment you experience an emotion. Your vibration, (energy in motion), then attracts a person in the same lower denser frequency. A darker mind supports dense thoughts. A denser mind lives in a lower and arduous state of awareness. When you swim in a pool with a bunch of critics, you naturally become your own worst critic. A living hell begins to form when you accept surface level thinking from others.
Your brain translates data and assists you in your health by analyzing your body. When you believe you are weak, your body produces weakness. When you believe you are ugly, stress lines and other issues are produced on your skin. Your body changes to match what you think of yourself and based upon your fears. Disease starts in a person’s mind. Thoughts do in fact manifest into physical form when thought enough. This is cause and effect.
(Side note: I am not a scientist. This explanation is my own translation based upon spirit guidance I have received.)
“Clair you had attracted people who would view you that way so that they would agree with you, not because they were necessarily out to hurt you on purpose. It is important to remember Clair, you attract other versions of creation to play the opposite role of what is authentically true for you in order to give you judgment. You do this subconsciously. You desire external validation. All egos require validation as it is a measurement for personal identification and personal existence.
You require outside stimuli to determine who you are. When you look at a tree, you know it is a tree. You do not reflect the same information as a tree. Therefore, you know you are not a tree. This is acceptance of your own autonomy. You can identify that you are not a tree. From there, you must decide who you are, if not a tree.
Additional stimuli are offered for you draw from. Other people and their opinions offer you feedback to retrieve your data. Who are you if you agree or disagree with them? Would you be satisfied with this?
Other people’s opinions are not necessarily facts, unless you decide they are a fact for you? Are you xyz?, or, are you different?
These scenarios and questions are the same as identifying the fact that you are not a tree. You decide who you are, always. Your outside world conforms to your own idea of what life is to be like for you and who you present yourself to be within it.
Clair, you required someone to reflect your inner thoughts back to you. You had turned a deaf ear to your own inner harsh critic. Self-sabotaging validation is when you seek out harsh judgment. This is natural and helpful to prove your ego identity is correct.
When your conditioned ego is healthy, you surround yourself with healthy individuals. You attract people who accept you rather than naturally judge you due to their underlying insecurity. A balanced ego can help you to maintain a healthy lifestyle. You must choose to balance your thoughts. When you are unhealthy for an extended period of time and for whatever reason, you seek out others who help you maintain an unhealthy lifestyle.
You become the people you hang out with. Comfort zones are created this way. Including harmful ones. You created a comfort zone of invisibility and unhealthy projections. At one time, you believed you were invisible and unhealthy. You felt safe to hide in the shadows.
Some messages you received may not have been the truth. “You look sickly in that dress”. “You’re too skinny”. “You’re not taking care of yourself”. You determined these messages were true for you. Your inner child thought she was weak and misunderstood. You didn’t know that until you took care of yourself with purpose.
Your inner child, just like any physical child, loves to be recognized, understood, and supported. Your inner child loves to feel loved and seen as beautiful. You chose to remain unaware of your own harsh criticism. You seek out what you know. Your inner child thought she knew that she was ugly and a burden. Your body then produced results to help you reflect this.
What you know, you seek out. What you do not know is what comes as a surprise. Your body is full of surprises when you remain unaware”.
I guess we are all slightly ignored little people at heart.
Notice when a person shrugs off a compliment or denies a compliment. They may do this because they disagree with the compliment. Their inner world contradicts the message they received. On the flip side, when someone insults them, they may react harsher than anticipated. When they react harshly, there is acceptance of the information given to them at a deeper level. Reactions are instant responses from a mind who lacks confidence in their own identity in some way.
“I’ve heard this before! It’s not true!”. These words become silent doubts inside their mind and may sound similar to this, “maybe I am that way? What is wrong with me? What if they are right? What if it is true?”
Those thoughts create more experiences expressing harsh judgment. This cycle repeats with different players until you can identify who you are. Stay in doubt keeps the court in session and the judge active. When you decide who you are and when you choose to honor your decision, you close the case. The judge goes on a much needed vacation.
Judge only if you enjoy being judged. Accept who you are to educate the jury. Wear metaphorical soundproof headphones. This helps. Ignorance is beneficial when called upon wisely.
A person can attract a troll online just by sending out a ripple of doubt in what they are doing. No one is immune to criticism and judgment. When you doubt, the universe obliges by sending you stimuli which cause you to question yourself. It is in these moments when you decide to reinforce doubts, or, to double down on your confidence. Confidence means you can identify who you truly are. You know your motives and your intentions. No doubt in yourself leads to a curious mind over a mind filled with painful and harsh criticisms.
A person who sees their world harshly reinforces a comfort zone for struggle. They do this with outward expressions of criticism. They hurt you to create discord and attention. They expect you to lash back with equally harsh criticism. They subconsciously desire judgment because this is all their ego knows to identify with.
If a person were to call you an idiot for example, their mind and brain hear the word idiot. They then associate whatever emotion they experience from you and within themselves. What they may not realize is, their brain absorbs all the information they are creating and maintains the data as fact for self identification.
“Oh, you are an idiot. Let’s restrict your ability to think constructively”.
Their brain doesn’t register a person outside of them being an idiot. Their brain inputs the data with the assumption they are calling themselves that. Their body then begins to form itself around this identity. An unhealthy mind creates an unhealthy body. Disease begins to take form. “I am an idiot” then can become an every day message for their perceived failures. A restricted sense of self becomes a restricted life in some way.
A person who gives truthful compliments, reinforces loving messages within themselves when they speak out loud. A person who criticizes and calls someone obscene names does the same thing to themselves.
Your brain only knows one person. That person is you.
Your brain collects data, then shifts your vibration based upon your internal speech. You are a moving symbol to allow people to assess themselves. Other people are moving symbols for you to do the same thing. This is how we co-create and exist autonomously within a collective consciousness.
“Clair, do you remember what your mum had echoed back to you just after your thirteenth birthday? She joked about this throughout your adult years whilst you were in her life.”, Clairity asked.
Yes, I do remember. My mum would say, “you said you didn’t want to turn thirteen. I can see why you didn’t want to. You changed overnight. You turned thirteen and that was it. You knew everything”.
Those aren’t the exact words my mum used. Close enough. Basically my mum reminded me of when I had trepidation about turning thirteen on more than one occasion. She also gave me a message that I was an arrogant know-it-all.
“Correct. Your mum was being a physical conduit for you to hear your fear. You feared turning thirteen. You also thought you knew more than you knew. What’s the reason for this?”.
Oh man, Clairity hits hard sometimes. I feared turning thirteen because I didn’t want to have a woman’s body. Men had already hurt me and I didn’t even have breasts yet. I could imagine how much more danger I was going to be in once I had developed breasts. I wanted to be a girl. I just didn’t want to look the part enough for a man to prey on me. I also pretended I was mature, and to the best of my ability, so that I could keep my wits about me. I reacted swiftly and with minimal knowledge of the truth, which crept under the surface in plain sight.
“Clair, what did your dad decide to do once your breasts began to develop?”.
My dad went to work and made a training bra out of safety masks and rubber bands. One of the face masks was larger than the other. He made it that way because I had one breast a little larger than the other in the beginning.
“What did your father joke about when he presented you with his masterpiece?”
My dad said, “here you go Lefty. Here’s your new training bra”.
I was so embarrassed. My mum laughed. My brother laughed. It was a standing joke for a while. My parents joked about it with my friends. I was nicknamed ‘Lefty’ until my right breast grew to the same size. I hated my body back then.
“Did you catch it Clair?”, Clairity asked.
“Catch what?”, I thought.
“Did you catch what you had just admitted? That you hated your body back then?”
Oh shit, yes. I see it. I had beaten up my own body? Wow. Talk about accountability.
Clairity explained further.
“As you have identified, your brain processes your beliefs about yourself. You believed yourself to be a sickly burden. You then began to create physical ailments within your body to represent the dis-ease inside your mind. Your body has been vibrating in survival mode since your father left for Canada in 1976. When you were with your mum, living in England, you fell ill. You had contracted pneumonia due to the cold concrete kitchen slabs you were crawling on at the time. After the hospital stay which scared you, you flew to Canada. You were less than two-and-a-half years old.
You were not seated with your mum. You were seated with a strange man. Your mum used to tell people you cried the entire eight hour flight. That the man you were seated with had to give you peanuts just to shut you up. This traumatized you for years to come. From that moment on, you feared separation, discomfort, and rejection. You no longer felt safe. You felt like you needed to run away to stay safe.
As the years progressed, you reinforced dis-ease through outward projections coming from your family, friends, and medical professionals. Over time, your body began to seize up. You trained your energetic body to run away. Your body hasn’t felt safe since you immigrated to Canada. You have been running ever since. Your body runs because you had chosen to believe what people had assumed. You chose to believe their harsh words. Your body runs to free you from this mental prison. You overstimulate your body to the point of severe spasms.
“They hurt me! Run away! Run away!”. For decades Clair, this has been your energy waves on a vicious sound loop.
As you grew, you met people who physically attacked you. The teenaged babysitter, the necklace man, the bullies at school, your ex boyfriend Tim who had broken your arm, the sexual assaults from your old boss and Rosie, as well as Sydney’s father. Your energy field and subsequent health conditions are heavily swayed by your family’s thoughts and actions towards you, as well as your own which has said, “fuck they are right!”.
In addition, there were two male teachers who hurt you. You were in middle school. The message you attracted was that you wouldn’t amount to much. Your brain loved this data so much that you decided to commit yourself to men who would also reject you, and who secretly believed you wouldn’t amount to much. Your bruised ego had taken over. Your body has been struggling in survival mode ever since. It is also for this reason that you designed an isolated life for yourself. Less people equated to less safety concerns in your mind”.
I digested Clairity’s insight for some time. It’s true. I caused my body to succumb to dis-ease.
The next two questions I had posed to Clairity were, “how do I correct this? How do I override this false narrative? I choose health and well-being”.
Clairity’s response was, “you are already doing it”.
I am?, I thought
“Clair, have you noticed that since leaving Rosie, you have gone over a year without cramp?”
Yes, I have clocked that. I’m excited by this fact.
Clairity then went on to explain, “energy affects energy. Rosie’s energy vibrated at a lower frequency than yours. You had severe cramp attacks when with Rosie. You cramped on the daily for quite some time during your time with him. Your body told you, you weren’t safe. You didn’t make this connection. You also saw yourself as a burden. Your body received this information which created a burdensome physical condition. Clair, you programmed your body to accept pain without realizing it.
Your body reacts the moment you perceive a sense of discomfort or danger. Your body protects you through what it knows. What it knows is to run. With that, even when you were still, your body was in constant flight mode. During extreme distress, your body seized up. Your brain tells your muscles to contract and to convulse uncontrollably. This was to simulate running even when seated.
Rapid muscle movements then created spasms which fatigued your body. Cramps formed in your body to which you had to experience painful physical effects. You then developed an association with warm water as soothing and safe, just like a blanket over your body when you sleep. This is a symbolic form of safety for you. You associate warmth with safety and cold with pain.
Since being back in New Brunswick, you have been doing shadow work to realign yourself and reinforce that you are safe. You became your own parent. Your inner child feels safe with you. With that, your body is beginning to relax and recalibrate”.
I find this to be incredibly interesting. I am grateful for this knowledge. With that in mind, I had to know more.
“Clairity, what’s the reason I cramp when it’s damp or cold?”, I inquired.
“You cramp because of fear”.
Fear?, I thought.
“Yes Clair. You have linked cold dampness as a polar opposite to warmth. When you are cold, you shiver. When you shiver, your muscles vibrate. Once this occurs, you fear cramp, which then pulls you out of the mindset of safety. With that, you inadvertently place your energy into survival mode which causes an increase in your physical discomfort. You anticipate the risk of cramps the moment you leave the house on a damp or cold day. You expect to cramp, so you do”.
Well shit, how do I fix this?
Clairity offered a suggestion.
“Keep doing what you are doing. Keep journeying into knowing yourself. Remind yourself that you are safe. Remind yourself to trust divine cosmic forces. People are being sent your way to assist you with your health. Resources are available. Trust in the timing. Choose to trust in us. Choose to trust in God.
In addition to that, respect your body. Listen to your body when it tells you that it is overworked. Listen to your body when it alerts you of potential danger. Love your body as much as you love your mind. The more you balance all versions of you, the child, the adult, the wise elder, the healthier you become. You are already doing this. Now it is a matter of trusting the sources of aid headed towards you.
You have had a challenge with trusting medical professionals. It is time to review the reason for this. Revisit your memory of Laura’s birth. It is a pivotal moment in your journey.
My beautiful Laura. What a miraculous experience indeed.
LivWithClairity 