(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Reader discretion is advised. 18+)
I remained quiet for the first three days living back with Liv in her apartment after leaving Rosie in April, 2023. Unless I was vaping or smoking some weed with Liv out on her back deck, in which case, I was pleasantly social. Liv let me be. She didn’t ask questions other than “mum you doing okay?”
Liv knows I have a three day retreat policy. During the three days I process and reflect on a painful experience. She honors that time by stepping back. Liv waits for me to approach her. When I show signs of being open to interact again, Liv would ask me a question we both had agreed to ask each other. We continue to honor this communication between us to this day. Although Liv and I usually know what the other needs without having to ask this question in the first place. The question is, “ears, mouth, or silence?”
The question, ears, mouth, or silence?, is an abbreviated version for asking “do you want my ears for listening?, or my mouth for advice?, or is my silence best whilst I hold space for you? If Liv hears ears, she knows I was ready to talk. When we talk, it usually turns into some incredibly insightful knowledge coming from Liv.
I love a person who can get me to stop and look at something from a different perspective. The “ah, I hadn’t thought of it that way!”, inspired thinking. Liv can do that for me. I love that about her. She also knows my personal language without me having to say a word. Liv knew the psychological pain that I was in. She honored my emotional and mental retreat.
The first night whilst laying in bed sobbing, I begged God to take my heart and hold it for me. I couldn’t bear the pain. I had beaten myself up right, left, and center. I felt beaten up as well.
“Why did I doubt my intuition? Why did I let Rosie manipulate me to the point of me doubting you?!”, referring to my God.
“Why didn’t I listen? I know I deserve to feel pain. Both my father and Gemma must have felt pain from my choices. Does this experience have to be this excruciating? Do I really deserve this?”
God responded by saying, “you tell me. Do you deserve this? It is for you to decide. I simply say yes to whatever it is you want for yourself. I do not translate good or bad. I am an indifferent source for you to utilize. I love you regardless.
Karma can certainly be a bitch. Karma is simply another term to highlight cause and effect. What you choose to put out in the universe through thoughts and intentions, comes back to you in another pretty package. Quite often a karmic “package” looks different. A different job. A different romantic partner. Friends may be new for you and yet have a resemblance to people you once knew.
Basically, a different approach for the same outcome takes place. Quite often the delivery of the package is different. You learn hypocrisy, or you are supposed to at least. When karma hits hard enough it helps to wake you up from an unhealthy toxic cycle. As an example, each man I dedicated my life to had betrayed me or mentally abused me. My lesson got increasingly difficult with each man. I didn’t see the value in me. I kept wanting to fit a square peg into a round hole. The universe shows you, that you are playing with a puzzle piece incorrectly. Do it again until you can see the picture more clearly.
Karma doesn’t translate that way most times. Many people seem to think karma is bad. It has a negative connotation associated with it. People are programmed to think karma is God’s way of punishment for bad behavior. This is far from the truth as far as I can tell.
Karma is energy in motion that eventually catches up with you in time. Then karma and you collide. Then you call it fate, or you may mutter these words,
“Murphy’s law is a bitch. One step forward. Two steps back. I can’t ever catch a break. Fuck my life, this is too hard”. Oop, there it is. The words, “fuck my” life and “too hard”. That message tells the universe that you wish to have a difficult life. God always says yes. God takes you literally. Your life becomes increasingly harder. Be careful what you wish for. Karma; it sure is a nasty foe when you are unaware of how to tame it.
It hurt like hell to leave Rosie and his kids. I couldn’t handle the pain of Rosie’s conscious choice to betray me the way he did. With that being said, in my mind’s eye, I had pictured light with a male’s hands stretched out towards me. These hands were cupped together and gave me a sense of acceptance and safety. My heart softly and slowly glided out of my chest at that point. Landing gently in the cupped hands. I then took a deep soothing breath and said my sincere thank you to my God source.
“Thank you. I take my heart back when I am healthy to do so. I love you. Thank you for being here for me, always. Thank you for sending Bill to get me. Thank you for reaching in and pulling me out of Rosie’s place. I know I am safe, now. And so it is”. After that, I closed my eyes then drifted off into a disturbed sleep.
The next day I was fully in my masculine energy. I remained in my intellect for the duration of time God was holding my heart. The nurturing caregiver in me took a much needed rest. Approximately six weeks or so of rest. During those few weeks I asked the loving voice inside my mind some deep questions. I was determined to get to the root of all my heartache and disappointments in life.
You and I have three distinct sides to us. You may not realize this fact as yet. Nonetheless, you do. You have a holy trinity living inside your mind . Here is one powerful question you can ask yourself so that you can move yourself out of extreme heartache. It can be done, with effort, patience, and self love.
What’s the reason I attract this pain into my life?
The three sides of our psyche are best explained by using myself as an example. I have an ego side, who was given the name Clair Marie. T. at birth. I also have an inner voice whom I refer to as Clairity. Clairity resonates inside me on a high frequency which is different than my own resonance. They vibe differently than I. There is a distinct difference between my ego and Clairity’s influence which I sense anytime they step forward. When I hear this voice my ego is usually at rest. My ego becomes attentive and curious whilst listening to their message. It’s as though I am a student in my own mind. The other voice, Clairity, is my inner teacher. I gave the other voice the name Clairity to help me distinguish the difference for others externally to me. In other words, to make it easier to explain where I get my insightful information from. I have no other way to explain it really. Everything you come to learn in my writings has been developed by Clairity’s guiding influence. You have a guiding voice inside too. You may be unaware or choose to ignore it because you would be weird like me. No one desires that label. Well I do. I love being a weird. I am an odd duck and I know it. Clap my hands.
The third side of me is my ability to analyze my life from God’s perspective. I choose to see cause and effect from a mass scale. When I mean a mass scale, I am referring to cause and effect after physical incarnation. People rarely think of this. The law of cause and effect does not disappear just because you left your body. This law rules wherever you go. I know this very well.
When I asked God to take my heart, I adopted a new way of viewing myself and my world. I am the ego, Clair. I am the spirit, Clairity. I observe in a Godly perspective. I can jump between all three positions inside my own mind. I have conversations there inside my mind. Insightful conversations. Inspiring conversations. I have positive thought provoking conversations there. I have honest dialogue as often as possible. Regardless of pain which may be associated with it. Being open to slight changes in my frequency often keeps me connected to all that is. I reaffirm my faith. Both in myself and in my universe. Doing so helps to prevent a feeling of loneliness within me. I choose to believe I am never alone even when physically alone.
Loneliness is born from people who feel misunderstood. A tormented subconscious belief fosters a perception of being lost within a sea of faces. No one truly knows who they are inside, therefore, they would not be accepted. When a lonely person does their best to show their true self to others, they often experience some form of rejection. This is due to them attracting someone who would reject them. They chose to be lonely people. A subconscious choice is still a free will choice. Rejection is required for this accepted reality.
Your ego will always prove you correct. There are an infinite amount of creative ways in which to do so. When a person believes they are worthy of rejection, the universe finds their match. The universe then obliges a person’s mission to be rejected. To combat this reality, I chose to foster an internal relationship with all that is. I reinforce this connection with internal conversations and openness. I then listen for the response by staying present after posing my question. I let the universe talk to me. I can remain understood this way.
Since I was young, I have been guided. I didn’t always know that I was. Sometimes I felt detached from spirit or guiding forces. I felt abandoned from a spiritual perspective as well. Although I felt lost and alone many times throughout my life, I have been protected and guided. I just hadn’t always known that was the case. The first time I heard a wayward voice in spirit form, I had been attacked by a child predator who I call ‘Necklace man’. That was just the beginning of my conversations with spirit.
One night, shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I was in bed asleep. Next thing I knew, I sat up in my bed. I then looked to my left. On my left was a big man sitting on my desk.
“Hi grandpa Joe,” I said, as if I had known him forever.
Grandpa Joe looked a lot like a caucasian Santa Claus. He had thick salt and pepper wavy hair with a full beard, a full sized belly, tweed pants that I could see to his knee bend, brown suspenders, and warm beautiful blue eyes.
“Hi dear. Everything is going to be okay. You are going to be okay.” he replied.
Grandpa Joe must have known I had been standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating my life that day. As my Grandpa Joe lovingly told me I was going to be okay, he extended his hands out towards me with his palms facing upward. I went to grab his hands. As soon as I did, Grandpa Joe took his hands away swiftly and said “no dear. It’s not your time yet. You have much to do.”
I was a bit confused by that. Based on his gesture, I thought Grandpa Joe wanted me to grab his hands. At that exact same time, another ghostly apparition appeared. A petite long auburn haired woman glided from my bedroom doorway, across my room, and then straight over to my bed. She then sat down beside me.
“Who’s this grandpa?” I asked, whilst my eyes had remained fixated on the strange woman. So fixated in fact, that I didn’t see the second woman appear in front of my closet door right away.
The woman in front of my door was slender in stature. She had a blue dress with a full white apron. She had brown hair tied back in a French bun, and held her hands cupped in front of her at her waist. The shape of her face was slender and oval. Her face itself was missing. Instead of there being a face, there was a soft glowing light with no distinguishable features.
“Hi Clair. I’m Mary. It’s nice to finally meet you”, the woman with the auburn hair said in a kind soft voice.
I didn’t feel threatened at all. I was curious.
“Who is this Grandpa Joe?” I inquired, whilst looking back at him.
“This is your aunt Mary” he replied.
“She’s not my aunt. I know who my aunts are.” I rebuttaled with a confused look.
“This is your great aunt, Mary”, he lovingly explained.
I looked back at my aunt Mary and said “Hi. It’s nice to meet you”.
Then for whatever reason, I got up from my bed, walked across my room towards the woman with no face, placed my pillow where her feet should have been, hugged my heart shaped pillow with a blanket on top of me, looked up, said “good night”, and then fell back to sleep. I never asked who the closet woman was. I seemed to have known her intimately though. Strange is an understatement at best.
The next day I woke up to my mother asking me “what the hell are you doing sleeping on the floor?”.
I told my mum about my weird “dream”. She got an old photo album. I had pointed out my mother’s aunt Mary who had died from a hole in her heart at the age of twenty-eight or twenty-nine. She had passed long before I was even thought of, let alone born. There was something to that “dream.”
Grandpa Joe took me on a couple of profound adventures after that. One adventure that has stayed with me, and is incredibly vivid even now, was when Grandpa Joe took me to the “other side” to help me understand the self inflicted prison I had placed myself in inside my mind. That’s for the next blog entry. It is well worth your time and energy to read. That’s if you are receptive to there being much, much more to human existence.
LivWithClairity 