(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature Subject Matter. Discretion is advised. 18+)
I moved back in with Liv and her daughters in an extremely small town called Chipman in New Brunswick, Canada after leaving Rosie in 2023.
I took a risk when I had left Rosie. I chose the potential for homelessness over remaining committed to Rosie. When I had made the decision to leave Rosie I had anticipated going to a woman’s shelter. I jumped in with blind faith. I am moving in blind faith to this day. Liv wouldn’t consider the idea of homelessness for me. Instead, I was given refuge from living on the streets. Liv provided a place for me to mentally heal and to reestablish myself. She still provides this to me. My own daughter saved me once again.
Homelessness can extend far past a sleeping bag and a tree to sleep under. Homelessness comes in many forms. When a person has received no respect from peers, have lost their identity, and has no money to sustain themselves, would be homeless in my perception. A homeless person can have shelter whilst they remain in despair. Homelessness is an extreme form of rejection. This lifestyle is the polar opposite of acceptance. A person who had been rejected by their family, government bodies, and their community, often live inside extreme poverty. Their mind has become impoverished. A home is a sense of belonging, not necessarily a building with four walls and a roof. Rejection is sparsity. You can see it when you move past the surface level to see the deeper impact in a person’s life. With that, I may have a roof over my head. I also have nowhere else to go. I have no financial means in which to help out or to be on my own at the moment. My heart goes out to my daughter as she is under extreme stress to feed us, clothe us, and keep rent payments in check. Liv makes close to minimum wage to get us by and she still won’t have me live on the streets. I write to you to change this for us. I choose to offer insight to you as I continue to develop insight for myself. That’s the idea anyway.
Homelessness is being sent to the pits of hell. People are left to die there. People die whilst everyone turns a blind eye. “The judge is in session” kind of deal. The law of assumption keeps people in a vicious cycle of lack. I help change this! All citizens of earth deserve love, acceptance, and a healthy life, period. This is my utopia.
When Liv and I went for our walks in town, we talked about life, betrayal, hopes, dreams, and faith in the unseen. Liv and I had conversations about scarcity and our roles in it. We had deep conversations, and meaningful conversations. We’ve shared many good ole belly laughs together as well. Usually laughing at some witty thing one of us had said in the moment.
When it comes to my family, both close and extended, Liv knows me best of all. With that in mind, I had let oppressive thoughts slip out on more than one occasion during private nature walks.
“I don’t know how to fix my circumstances Liv. I keep doing my best. It’s not supposed to be you taking care of me. I am supposed to be the one who you come to. Not the other way around. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t want to be a burden! I want my own home. I am starting to forget what it’s like.”
I think it safe to say, everyone, including you, have moments when the steaming hot water inside of you catapults the lid right off of your own personal kettle. Resulting in a whistle you couldn’t ignore. My kettle has blown its top on more than one occasion throughout my life. Not so much out of anger. More so out of the continuation of disappointing results, after years upon years of effort. Out of sheer exhaustion, basically.
Have you been there? For me, being spiritually exhausted is a catch twenty-two. When I am in this mental state, I know it’s time to take action. You can’t stay there forever. Otherwise you’d lose yourself. At the same time, you have to muster up the energy from a cup that holds two or three droplets of energy left. It sure is difficult, isn’t it?
Breaking free from poverty can be done. Continued and consistent baby steps without placing pressure on yourself is a solid plan for doing so. There are solutions to everything. No matter how small that solution may be. One small step for me can become one giant leap for mankind, sort of deal. All you gotta do is take a giant leap in faith. Embrace your weirdo! Dare to be different. You can change your reality when you choose to approach your life from an entirely different view on it.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I often keep to myself. I am alone in my designated space, or out walking aimlessly in nature more often than not. Even whilst living in a house with four other people, and a dog and being in a mother daughter relationship, under the same conditions, I am still more often alone than I am with them. I am alone often.
I have been surrounded by people and alone at the same time, for a very long time. Do you know what I mean by this? I suspect you do. If you read my blog entries, you more than likely do know what I mean by feeling alone amongst people. I have been physically, and to a degree, mentally, struggling for over fifty-one years. That’s a long time to carry my own negative self talk, and the plethora of projections from other people’s perceptions of me.
You may not realize it; both people’s inner thoughts and outward actions affect your energy levels on a daily basis, significantly. Close or far and no matter the distance apart. You are affected by another person’s thoughts through telepathy. When they think of you, their energy transfers to you. You in turn affect them the same way. This is unseen and is a psychic link. Thoughts move energy. Your thoughts are your life. Your thoughts can help to create destruction. They can also help to cultivate love. This is your free will choice.
Everything and everyone is consciousness. Everything and everyone is made of energy. Everything and everyone communicates telepathically. Telepathic communication affects energy waves. Your astral body receives the signal first. The impact on your mind and body comes after. If you can sense nasty projections your way, you likely picked up on it long after it had originally arrived. It takes practice. Lots and lots of practice to know who and where the energy is stemming from.
I reconnected with a spiritual influence during these alone times. I met Clairity. They had started to become a stronger presence in my life. They made me aware of their presence by answering a question about my circumstances inside my mind. The questions which had brought Clairity to the surface of my mind were, “what’s the reason I attract men who hurt me? What’s the reason men use me for their own personal gain; only to place me on a shelf until the next time they need me?”
A soft and motherly voice whispered in my mind, “are you asking a question you truly desire to know the answer to?”
Good question, was I ready? I thought about it for a split second whilst checking my energy level for impact. Truth often hurts after all.
“Yes. It’s either I be brutally honest with myself, or I continue to live this small existence. What’s the reason I attracted men who didn’t see me and who are comfortable with hurting me?”
My energy shifted inside my mind which naturally and effortlessly placed my ego into an attentive state. I could feel a subtle, yet more powerful energy blend in with my auric field.
“The predators from when you were a child hold a different reason and are layered within the reason for attracting your past lovers. Let’s start with your lovers. They are most prevalent in your awareness at this present time. Your father asked your mother a question concerning you one day. What was it?” she lovingly prodded.
I thought about it for a brief moment and then responded through my ego “dad asked my mother this question. “I had thought people’s daughters are attracted to men who best represent their dad. Why the hell did Clair choose those men? I am nothing like them.”
Next Clairity whispered, “what similarities are there between your father’s character, and the characters of both your ex husbands, and Rosie?”
Now that was an excellent question. It got me thinking.
My dad, he is quite a character indeed. He may have been a heavy smoking, alcoholic, sexist, and a racist, in my mind growing up. He was also my secret hero and a victim of my mother’s verbal wrath. The little morsels of “proud of ya” which came from my dad after doing something smart, fed my drive to be recognized by him. For the longest time the sun had shone out of my dad’s ass in my eyes. If I had wanted a suntan, all I would have had to do was ask my dad to bend over. Poof, I’d be golden.
My dad fell off that pedestal of my own making. During my reflective journey of my dad, I discovered hidden patterns my ego was holding onto and was comfortable with maintaining for my life. Once I saw them I couldn’t unsee them. I had a decision to make. Do I change the patterns and break out of my comfort zone?, or, do I keep moving forward wanting to prove to myself that I am worthy of my father’s love?
Good question. The question prompted my rabbit, Jack, to give me the key.
“You’re late, you’re late. It’s time to understand the reasons for your toxic dates.”
The rabbit is at the door. We are about to open it. Then step on through to go down another dark and scary rabbit hole of pain. Imma jump in head first. Why not?
LivWithClairity 