Today, I must assert my free will consciously. Part of my free will is to write about the physical pain, emotional pain, and mental pain that have been triggered and that I am experiencing currently, as I write this out. In other words, I am experiencing snap, crackle, and pop, inside my right leg once again.
I went for a walk to visit with my nature friend, ‘Tree Tree’. As I exited the little forest, my right leg sent me a shock deep inside my muscle. It bloody hurt! It was sudden, and sharp. I am experiencing it right now as well. I feel like my body is attached to an electric shock machine. I feel like I am being zapped by a crazed person who enjoys the infliction of excruciating pain. Ouch!!! This pain is just like the time when I had collapsed at the school I was working for back in December, 2019. The pain is similar to an electric shock, only it’s inside my body. Ugh. No fun let me tell ya. It quite literally stopped me in my tracks and caused me to once again, fall down onto my arse. If I am unable to get whatever is happening to my body, I fear the same results will happen, which is to walk with the aid of a cane or a walker. No hospital stays for me please. Medical devices are a no for me please. I have come too far to be sent physically back now. That is not for me! Heal, heal, heal, completely, please Clair. God help me.
With that, the pain hit hard, so I had to sit on the side of the curb for a few moments. I began to rub my leg gently and in a downward motion. Next thing I knew, zap! Fuuuuuck!, was all I could think in my mind. The next thing I noticed was another little numbness underneath my skin. It is coin sized. Similar to the numbed area further up my leg. The same thing which landed me in the hospital in December, 2019. I am honestly scared at the moment. I have no honest clue on how to fix my physical health other than what I am doing, which is healing my mind to heal my body.
With that, I am journaling my thoughts out as I find this to be a therapeutic way for me to alchemize my own energy. I choose this over worrying my children with concerns to which they have little to no control over. Adding depressed and chaotic energy is no bueno for anyone. I can identify this truth. With great power comes great responsibility.
We all have free will. Free will has many layers. Many people are unaware of the hidden free will choice they are making. On the surface, it may look as though no choice could be had. When you look a little deeper, whether you like it or not, there is always another option. There is a solution for anything and everything.
You assert your free will the moment you identify your risk versus your reward. Your assessment is sometimes instant and other times well thought out. Your free will choice is established the moment you either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You also utilize your free will when you choose your self developed habits, addictions, impulses, as well as your chemistry with another person, topics of interest, and people you are passionate about and or desire. Your free will choice may be considered subconscious and therefore seemingly an automatic decision on your part. Subconscious or not, your ego makes a decision based upon a point of reference which highlights your risk versus your reward. Free will has many layers to it. Just like everything else does within existence. You, my dear reader, are like an onion. There are many beautiful layers to you.
Impulsive and premeditated acts of passion, to any degree or sense of the word, are free will choices in motion. Results may be unpredictable, vast, and may look or be different. The means in which to acquire your decision and ultimate results start from the same point, which is your gift of free will given to you at the moment of your conception. You are exerting your free will with every single thought you are having. You choose your words. You choose your thoughts. That’s how much free will power you have.
Another layer to free will is to either choose to be a victim, a hero, or the neutral observer in any given moment. Free will is a gift which requires a high level of responsibility and personal accountability. Free will is a beast sometimes. Free will is also a soft little rabbit named Jack. With that, Jack said hello in my mind. Jack said, “what can you do to alchemize this situation so that you can change it from pain into personal power?”
Write out my thoughts here. Pain or no pain, for me, this helps me see more clearly.
Damn my palms hurt too. I have to rest my hands from writing on this phone. I have to rest my hands from holding this phone altogether. My palms feel like something is stabbing me right in the middle of my hand. I keep stretching my fingers. This offers me some relief. I fear, whatever this is, is progressing at a pace to which I am unable to keep up. My hands have been shaking because of the discomfort I am physically feeling and the anxiety my inner world is stirring up. I know this.
My body is demanding rest. My mind is screaming, “I don’t know what to do!!! Haven’t I suffered enough!? I can identify the way I have physically manifested this. With that said, God, I love you, and I know you love me. Send me help, please! I don’t know anything about earthly stuff. I am not a doctor! I trust you. I know there are a team of people who know what the fuck they are doing, and who do not have a God complex, and who can scan my body head to toe to see what the fuck I did to myself. Then say to me, “right, this is the best and most organic way to heal your body. You can overcome this challenge without harsh chemicals nor FDA approved medications”.
I am pleading with God. This sucks. This is not graceful in the least. Ah well, my ego is doing what an ego does, which is to assert one’s own position. Alongside voicing my ego’s perception as it relates to my current circumstances. My ego wants to fight me to focus on what I do not have which could help me out with my physical needs. My higher mind tells me to stay calm and trust the process. Retorically speaking, which voice do I listen to? Fun times.
My ego has to be heard. I am scared. I can recognize this. My mind is my gold. My mind is my focus. My body shall heal. I am happy, healthy, and loved. Therefore, I am wealthy. I am wealthy. This is for me. There are solutions. “What can you do for yourself at this time? First of all, take a breath”.
That’s the way I talk to myself inside my head. I am always talking to myself. I truly love intelligent conversations. With that, I am slowly, and lovingly, guiding myself back into faith and trust over fear which only creates personal torment. No cave please. No personal hell please. I have come too far to climb my way out. This is my free will choice. I choose to be the observer of my thoughts. The neutral voice of reason over passion and conviction.
Passion and conviction layered within free will choice come with their own light and dark side. They have their own yin and yang. They have duality. They are both within you. Your ego teeters between love and light versus darkness and pain. Your passion and conviction can take you further into your own mental darkness or into mental liberation. Your ability to parent yourself, similar to that of an intellectual father, and a nurturing mother, will determine where you place yourself on the scales of light versus weight. Is your heart and mind as light as a feather?
The less aware you are of the power within your free will choices, the more you teeter into a militant or victim mindset. Risky business let me tell ya. Both those add weight to your scale of life. Lady Justice and or Anubis, I believe?, would feel your weight on the scale and determine you still had some alchemizing to do to realign yourself back into peace and acceptance of self. If that feather raises, your heart and mind are heavy.
To see your heaven, you must project your heaven. To project your heaven, your painful energy must be alchemized into loving acceptance. Loving acceptance softens your eyes to the truth. Softer eyes lighten the scale which weighs and measures your masculine thoughts alongside your feminine emotions. When the scale of life reflects balanced love and acceptance, which was acquired through your wisdom journey, your heaven appears. Your personal heaven first resides within you, so that you can project your personal heaven outside of you. This is the proverbial heavens gate.
Your mind holds your scale. Your mind holds your Lady Justice. Your mind holds your Mother Mary. Your mind holds your Yeshua. Your mind holds your Jesus. Your mind holds your Allah. Your mind holds your gods and goddesses. Your mind creates your liberation and punishment. Your mind and heart create your heaven or your hell.
So what can I do? I can remain aware of my ever increasing demand for physical rest. My body does not lie to me. Yes I am annoyed that I have no control over my situation, except to choose what to focus on inside my mind. With that said, annoyed or not, I must respect what my body is telling me. I choose to approach my health far differently than my stubborn ass did in the past. I honor my progress whilst identifying my ultimate goal.
My ultimate goal is to go to England to see about my physical health. I had seen a TikTok video that showcased new technology which uses a machine to scan your entire body. The process is relatively painless. I say the procedure is painless because, well for me, my feet hurt when I stand barefooted on hard surfaces. It also costs a wee bit of money. Physical discomfort with a bit of money is a price that I am willing to pay. Other than that, the machine gets down to the nit and gritty of what is happening inside my body. I can have the results and a consultation the same day too. That is bloody brilliant.
I have less interest in a clinical diagnosis. What I am truly interested in is a realistic assessment of my starting point. I work with my body, not against it. A knowledgeable professional medical team can help me with my game plan. I know some things. I do not have to know everything. With that, what can I do to help make that happen in the meantime? Great question.
I can remember there are solutions and support out there. I must respect my body’s current condition, whilst I focus on helping myself and others break out of self limiting, and self tormenting restrictions. I choose to remain focused on my work. I choose to breathe. I choose to focus on what I can do rather than what I am currently unable to do. My body is healing. My body is my temple. I can reduce my vape intake. I can reduce my walks to the forest. This sucks. That’s okay. It can suck. I love my body more. I can do this.
With that said, I recognize my passion and conviction for a better life for myself and others, can become prideful, desperate, and self centered, if I am not careful with how much I push myself. When I catch myself overworked or impatient, I quickly identify my ego’s will to overpower the situation. With that, I go back to my internal parenting skills. I step back and reevaluate. I move myself back into the observer’s position. I also remind myself that the law of gestation is exactly that, a gradual and evolutionary change which requires due process, patience, and trust.
With that my friend, your free will extends far beyond fate, destiny, and what food you would like to eat. Your free will is in your hands with every decision you make. Every decision you make alchemizes your energy into a physical manifesation. You are that powerful.
LivWithClairity 
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