(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
After the divine intervention involving a technicolored box of condoms Rosie was hiding from me, I went for many walks with Liv and her girls. I was living with them again, from April, 2023, through to the first week of August that same year. Liv gave me refuge from living on the streets. She gave me a loving place to heal. Liv saved me once again.
Liv and I talked about many day-to-day things on our outings. We have had a lot of troubling conversations, deep conversations, and meaningful conversations. We’ve shared many good ole belly laughs together as well. Usually laughing at some witty thing one of us said at the moment.
When it comes to my family, both close and extended, Liv knows me best of all. With that in mind, I had let oppressive thoughts slip out on more than one occasion during our nature walks. “I don’t know how to fix my circumstances Liv. I keep doing my best. It’s not supposed to be you taking care of me. I am supposed to be the one who you come to. Not the other way around. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t want to be a burden! I want my own home. I am starting to forget what that’s like.”
I think it is safe to say, everyone, including you, have moments when the steaming water inside you catapults the lid right off of your personal kettle. Resulting in a whistle you couldn’t ignore. My kettle has blown its top on more than one occasion throughout my life. Not so much out of anger. More so out of the continuation of disappointing results, after years upon years of effort. Out of sheer exhaustion, basically.
Have you been there? For me, being spiritually exhausted is a catch twenty-two. When I am in that state, I know it’s time to take action. You can’t stay there forever. Otherwise you’d lose yourself. At the same time, you have to muster up the energy from a cup that holds two or three drops of energy left. It’s challenging, isn’t it?
It can be done through continued baby steps, and without placing pressure on yourself. There are solutions to everything. No matter how small that solution may be. One small step for me becomes one giant leap for mankind, sort of deal.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I often keep to myself. I am alone in my designated space, or out walking aimlessly in nature more often than not. Be it in a romantic partnership, whilst living in a house with four other people, and a dog, or, being in a mother daughter relationship under the same conditions. I have been surrounded by people and alone at the same time, for a very long time. Eight years as of late. That’s a long time carrying my own negative self talk, and the projections of other people’s perceptions of me.
You may not realize it; both people’s inner thoughts and outward actions affect your energy levels on a daily basis, significantly. Close or far, no matter the distance apart. You are affected by their energy through psychic energy transference the moment they think of you. You in turn affect them the same way.
It was during these alone times when Clairity started to become a stronger presence in my life. She made me aware of her by answering a question about my circumstances inside my mind. The questions that had promoted Clairity’s introduction were, “what’s the reason I keep on attracting men who hurt me? What’s the reason men use me for their own gain only to place me on a shelf until the next time they need me?”
A soft motherly voice whispered in my mind, “are you asking a question you truly desire to know the answer to?”
Good question, was I ready? I thought about it for a split second whilst checking my energy level for impact. “Yes. It’s either be brutally honest with myself, or continue to live this small existence. What’s the reason I attracted men who didn’t see me and who are comfortable with hurting me?”
My energy shifted inside my mind which naturally and effortlessly placed my ego into an attentive state. I could feel a subtle, yet more powerful energy blend in with my auric field. “The predators from when you were a child hold a different reason layered within the reason for attracting your past lovers. Let’s start with your lovers. They are most prevalent in your awareness at present. Your father asked your mother a question concerning you one day. What was it?” she lovingly prodded.
I thought about it for a moment and then responded through my ego “he asked “I thought daughters are attracted to men who best represents their dad’s. Why the hell did Clair choose those men? I am nothing like them.”” Next Clairity whispered, “what similarities are there between your father’s character, and the characters of both your ex husbands, and Rosie?” Now that was an excellent question. It got me thinking.
My dad, what a character indeed. He may have been a heavy smoking, alcoholic, sexist, racist, in my perception growing up. He was also my secret hero and victim to my mother’s wrath. The little morsels of “proud of ya” coming from my dad after doing something smart, fed my drive to be recognized by him. For the longest time, the sun shone out of my dad’s ass in my eyes. If I wanted a suntan, all I would have had to do was ask my dad to bend over. Poof, I’d be golden.
During my reflective journey of my dad, he fell off that pedestal of my own making. I discovered some hidden patterns my ego was comfortable with maintaining for my life. Once I saw them, I had a decision to make. Do I change the patterns and break out of my comfort zone?, or, do I keep moving forward wanting to prove to myself that I am worthy of my father’s love?
Good question. The question prompted my rabbit, Jack, to give me the key. “You’re late, you’re late for understanding the reasons for your dates.” The rabbit is at the door. We are about to open it, step through, and go down yet another swirling rabbit hole.
LivWithClairity 
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