(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Reader discretion is advised 18+)
What is free will without choices? What are choices without a comparison? What is a comparison without an identification? What is an identification without learned experience? Without learned experience, how would you learn to make solid decisions? What is a decision without judgment? What is judgment without proper discernment? What is discernment without free will? What is free will when there are no polarities to draw from to develop yourself through your journey?
All are required and are highly influential in the development of your uniquely designed energetic coding, which offers you the “I Am” experience. One universal gift cannot exist without the other. Polarities, identification, and judgment, are all bestowed upon you so that you can develop who you are. You designed yourself with your gift of free will. Free will requires polarities to exist. Free will lets you choose what is right for you within a spectrum of darkness to light.
Your free will is a beautifully orchestrated symphony of universal laws in motion to create a unique perception, through self identification, and heightened discernment. You create who you are through all awareness levels within your mind. Whether you are aware of it or not.
Through your free will choices, you create energy in motion. Not a moment goes by when you are not asserting your free will. Not a moment goes by when your energy is no longer in motion. You are constantly in motion. Your mind and your personal energetic influences, coupled with universal laws, determine the way your energy moves and vibrates in this world.
The challenge with free will is to keep your own awareness in a balanced and unified state. That is easier said than done when your ego demands center stage. That’s what my ego was creating throughout my years; a demand for center stage in the eyes of someone who genuinely loves me. My free will was gungho for all the wrong reasons back in the day.
For a person to feel loved, they must first feel safe in good company. Clairity helped me understand that I was angry, (still am to a degree), because I felt I was not safe with my mum, nor my dad, nor my brother, nor my past lovers.
Sometimes choosing to be silent when witnessed to a known injustice, kills a spirit faster than any hate speech ever could. My dad’s and my brother’s silence when people were hurting me stung deep and I had no idea until Clairity helped me see the truth.
I expressed anger externally at my mum because she fought back. My mum made it easier for me to release my pain. My father kept quiet with the exception of two occasions that I am aware of. Like I wrote in an earlier entry, I was not privy to my parents’ pillow talk. I can only state what I have witnessed over the years, and then explain what Clairity helped me to understand about myself, and all those I love.
The first time my dad defended me towards my mum was when my mum and dad had fought in the kitchen. My mum was accusing my dad of alcoholism. She wasn’t wrong in my perception. My dad liked his beer, a lot. They were also arguing over my dad’s procrastination in doing things with or for my mum, that he promised he would do. My mum had a difficult time relying on my dad to do what he said he was going to do within a timeframe she felt was reasonable. My mum was correct. Unfortunately my mum had a wicked tongue when she was mad and had a tendency to blurt hurtful messages when someone didn’t agree with her. She also had a habit of triangulating us. Meaning, my mum would do her best to get at least one family member on her side during or after an argument.
My mum and I both had a developed ego who demanded center stage in their loved one’s mind once in a while. I can certainly emphasize with her thought process and pain. What I had a difficult time with was her verbal brutality towards us when she was angry. My mum’s choice to pull me in between her and my dad during their arguments was difficult for me to accept. It didn’t happen often. When it did, it was mental hell for me that lasted years. Snap shots in time can certainly leave a lasting impression.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room when my parents started to argue. I could hear them and see them clearly through the large open unwalled section between the living area and the conjoined kitchen-dining room area. My mum turned to face me and said “your father is a drunk. I am leaving him. Are you going to move in with me or are you going to live with your father?”
I was sixteen when this fight had occurred. My response to my mum was “that’s not fair mum. I don’t want to have to pick sides”.
My mum then lashed back at me with “fine! If you are not going to choose, you can get the bloody hell out of this house!”.
With my mum’s loveless direction in mind, I got up from where I was seated and began my huff n’ puff stride towards the house’s front door staircase. As I did, I addressed my dad by saying “see dad! Now do you believe me!? Mum always takes her anger out on me!!”.
As I turned to go up the stairs to my bedroom I overheard my dad say “Pat, leave her out of this”.
The other time I remember my dad addressing my mum after her cruel words to me was when my mum, my dad, and their neighbors, Steve and his wife, were all seated outside on our front stoop. I was standing down at the bottom of the driveway smoking a cigarette. Again, this was after I had received my driver’s license so I would have been around sixteen. My mum said something painfully mean to me and loud enough for me, and, what seemed like, loud enough for the other neighbors inside their houses to hear.
“Clair you look like a bloody prostitute standing there like that. You look like you are about to sell yourself”.
My mum couldn’t have timed that any better. The reason I was out there deep in thought and smoking a stress ciggy was because earlier that day I had called child protective services anonymously on a friend at the time. I had deep concerns over the welfare of her children. I was so torn up inside. I was reeling with guilt. Whilst I equally heared thoughts of reassurance that what I did at that time was healthiest for all involved. Do I know that for certain? Nope. I do trust my internal knowing though.
“Thanks for that mum”, was all I could say with my head still down in contemplation.
I think my dad was more embarrassed that my mum would say that in front of Steve and his wife, than he was in protecting my character. My dad said “Pat, that’s enough”.
That was it. Those are the only times I can remember vividly. Perhaps he defended me other times? If he did, I am none the wiser.
The reason I didn’t vocalize my anger towards my dad was because my mum put the fear in us with “you just wait until your father gets home. He will deal with you!”.
My dad had a temper. His temper showed in his irritability and impatience. My dad wasn’t much of a deep communicator with me, so when he was angry with me, his anger was painful and obvious. My dad put me straight with his deep voice, stern glare, and loud, under no uncertain terms are you to disrespect me, do as you are told, voice. My dad’s temper scared me even though he only laid an angry hand on me once in my life. I already mentioned that in a previous blog entry.
Since I knew my dad often intimidated me, and I did in fact love and respect him dearly, (I saw him as a victim to my mother more than anything else), I didn’t express my anger towards my dad’s choice in my emotional and mental safety. Instead, I chose to hoard resentment and then I created a journey of anger towards men without realizing it.
I proved to myself through the attraction of Albert, Bill, and Rosie, that I cannot trust the integrity and virtue of a man. In my subconscious mind, men do not hold courage to stand for what’s right unless they themselves are threatened. If I was threatened, I had to be my own man. This was the mental condition I was giving myself. This is what was true for me. Until Clairity calmed my ego back down into a receptive state of awareness.
“I am proud of you for identifying your anger. I am also proud of you for choosing to journal with this virtual channel. We recognize it takes courage to write your life down for others to read and learn from.
You have come to recognize that all three of the men you attracted into your life either spoke ill on your name behind your back, or, they remained quiet which allowed others to have misguided information about you. This is true. With that said, remember, you have free will to choose the way you process these experiences. There are polarities within all experiences. You have the choice to focus your energy on the pain, or, you can choose to see the empowerment you have gained from them.
Recognize Clair that you let them speak ill of you. You allowed people to have misinformation or partial information. What is the reason for this?”
What people think of me is none of my business. What I think of me is my business. What people think of you is none of your business. What you think of you is your business. There is no need to educate someone who has already determined who I am for themselves. In addition, I am the company that I keep. The people who dislike me choose to converse with their people. Therefore their people would be supportive of them and may by default, dislike me. Regardless of my insistence on it being otherwise.
Hate, accusations, insistence on being right, and correcting an audience which obviously isn’t yours, is a beautiful waste of your energy. Be consistent in who you are for you, not for other people’s satisfaction. Let your character speak for itself. Know your character enough so that when others talk, you can be amused by them, rather than offended by them. The art of detachment is what I had developed. I am very good at it. Some would consider me cold hearted in my expression of unconditional love this way. I am okay with that too.
“Clair, you developed your character through meeting your teachers in love and personal relationships. This is honorable and also worth remembering. Now you hold two truths simultaneously. One truth is that there are people, regardless of title, who will hide behind a false perception of you. The other truth is, you can hold gratitude in knowing yourself well enough to see who your audience truly is, and that the only perception which drives your energy forward is your own. You decide which one feeds you. Both are true.
To feed your flourishing character and the truth in who you are, you must recognize there are and have been authentic loving beings in your life. Who have always seen and stood for your true character. To see you are not surrounded by untrustworthy characters, you must see those who shine trustworthiness when you are not looking”.
That’s easy. My children. My girls. My people. Although it pains me to know that my daughters were placed in positions when they had to correct other family members of their judgments, my heart was also warm with knowing my girls wouldn’t be silent witnesses like my dad, and their two dads. My girls have courage. My girls have always accepted me, loved me, and supportive of all my decisions. Both the healthy ones and the painful ones. I trust that my girls do see my true character. I am safe to be me as a mum with them.
“Very good. You know your people. You also hold the frequency of gratitude for your children and all that they have done for you. Remember, there are beautiful souls in your world who are not viewing you through a lens of pain. There are others like you who have similar qualities within their character. You are in a collective sweetheart. Your children are a part of your collective. There are others to come. Including an authentic and genuine man. Figuratively speaking, he is almost at your doorstep.
You have not experienced someone outside of your children who would help keep you safe from an emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual perspective. You have had suitors. You have been trusting your internal signals when it has come to this. You have been able to quickly identify someone who is not for you. We shall expand on this awareness as your intuition is required for you to identify your person when he arrives.
What internal signals can you identify based upon your pattern recognition?”
Good question.
LivWithClairity 