(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Reader discretion is advised. 18+)
It was September, 2017, when Rosie appeared drunk inside the front entrance of mine and my daughter’s apartment. He bulldozed his way in only to be confronted by my daughter’s partner, Aiden.
Aiden was inside minding his own business doing whatever Aiden did. He wasn’t expecting to see a distraught grown man pleading with him to help find me. Rosie slammed open the front door and then made his way to my daughter’s bedroom so he could strongly encourage Aiden to contact Liv at work.
Rosie had a challenge with respecting people’s boundaries sometimes. Both at home and at his work. According to my adult children, Rosie didn’t knock before barging inside the apartment in his drunken rage. Aiden was in a state of anxious confusion. His first reaction was utter shock. His first thought was “what do I do?”
Rosie isn’t exactly a small man. He’s a six foot tall, husky built, soldier, who had been trained in some form of military style weaponry. He was also highly intoxicated. Rosie was volatile and unpredictable. That’s all Aiden knew. Aiden is five foot eight with an ability to throw a punch if need be. He definitely didn’t want to flinch towards Rosie. Let alone say no to his commands. Saying no would have risked a potential fight. Rosie had rage in his eyes and a hot temper due to his state of mind. Aiden did what anyone would have done. He agreed to Rosie’s request to reach out to my daughter at work.
Liv and I had worked for a commercial cleaning company during that time in our lives. Liv worked several different locations. She cleaned her area of responsibility, plus she was assigned to grab other shifts to cover for her colleagues. All whilst pregnant. The company Liv continues to work for this company. They are good over all. The challenge is the low payout for the sweat and tears which often comes with the job.
Minimum wage didn’t, and still doesn’t, cover much expenses these days. I worked part time three days a week for the same company. During the day I had also worked for a non-profit organization as an executive assistant. My role, although fulfilling at the time, hardly covered grocery expenses, let alone extras for anything fun. Most of the work I did for them was deemed volunteer work.
Over several years I worked for this particular nonprofit organization. I had received maybe a few grand from them at best? Alongside a receipt which totals 15,000 Canadian dollars worth of volunteer time for tax purposes. I am still waiting on the day I can claim that ‘volunteer’ work. Until then, the tax receipt acts as a reminder. I have done great work, even if I have no income.
The volunteer work I did was as a co-ordinator for a youth program which was created in Fredericton, New Brunswick and funded by the nonprofit organization. I assisted with the children’s activities, aided in the youth of newcomers to Canada. I taught some self development classes, and was one of the lead coordinators for a peace festival being held in downtown Fredericton that the organization was hosting back in 2013, I believe? I was doing a great deal for them. Both during work hours, and in my free time. I even used my own car and gas to taxi the kids too and from youth nights which were scheduled on Wednesday evenings.
In the Executive Assistant’s role, I helped with proof reading and editing my boss’s proposals for funding. I took many proposals down from five pages into three pages to meet submission requirements at that time. I represented the organization at different events, including the United Nations for the All Women, All Child conference in New York, New York.
The trip to New York city was paid for out of my own pocket, with help of my ex husband, Bill. In addition to office duties, I also secured the Director of the organization into different apartments as a representative on his behalf. Looking back now, it would have been wise to quit when he was evicted from the first apartment for missed rent. This was a red flag I chose to ignore.
In addition to all that, I picked up shifts as a custodial worker at night to make up for the “volunteer work” during the day. All whilst fighting cramps in my legs and feet on a daily basis. I had to make something of myself. I am dedicated to my work. When I put my mind to something, I tend to put all my effort into its success.
I was, and still am, determined to create my own independent stability. Instead of tangible rewards on a regular basis, I worked for this nonprofit on a promise of a lucrative career working both in Canada and in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Francois, the Director of the organization, pulled at my heart string and my ego’s desperation to make a name for myself for all that it was worth.
Takers attract givers in all walks of life and within all intended purposes, so does equal respect and reciprocity. I didn’t truly see honor in equal reciprocity. I was focused on being a giver to make a name for myself. The non profit was focused on taking what I was giving.
Working for a false promise of valued recognition was what I exposed myself to on a day by day basis. Both in my career and in my love life. My ego also loves patterns, just as much as yours does. It comes by you and me honestly. We build our lives on pattern assumptions. The law of assumption is a natural law in the universe.
A pattern is emerging. If you decide to keep following these breadcrumbs with me, it will all make sense. Today, I am far wiser and far healthier than I was between 2013 to 2019.
One day, when I was working in the office, myself and two other colleagues of mine had come across a report which highlighted the breakdown and total of funding received over the course of the previous year. We were all shocked. The amount had totaled close to a million dollars with well over three quarters of that for work in the DRC. The Canadian team was unaware of what efforts outside of what we were doing were being done in the DRC? At least as far as I had known. The math wasn’t math’ing. The smaller percentage of funds supposedly went towards the youth program, three people’s wages, and the Director’s salary, to which we were not privy to.
I recognize some not-for-profit aid organizations tend to only dish out about two percent of the public sector’s donation money and claim the rest of the funds as overhead costs of some kind. Francois said he didn’t want his organization to be known as one of those.
With that said, being paid one thousand dollars a year over the course of four years for all the work, sweat, and tears I had put in, seemed a little off balance in my perspective. Based on the shocked look on my colleagues faces, none of us felt we were compensated fairly. The reciprocity was way out of whack.
I am grateful for working for Francois nonetheless. I learned the importance of balanced reciprocity in the workplace. This experience highlighted the importance of remaining humble by recognizing there is no such thing as self-made. Everything in life is created through collective efforts. One person offering you sound advice by a recorded video on a social media app could give you that one golden nugget of information to help catapult your success. No one does it alone. If you approach life in the mindset of self-made, then self-made isolation, void of authentic love, friendships, and community, may be the end result of that approach. Is that true success? Not for me.
I did the same thing with Rosie as I did with the nonprofit organization. Instead of a false promise in a lucrative career, I pleased Rosie in more ways than one, on a false promise of love. Desperate for recognition by making a name for myself bled into both my business and personal life. Selling myself for free in this way was definitely a pattern that required a solid break.
I quit that organization in 2019 because my relationship with the founder turned out to also be a hellish ordeal at the end of my employment there. I walked away after Francois groped me and force ably kissed me in his car after dropping me back off to mine and my daughter’s apartment one evening after work. The same apartment Rosie barged into shit faced out of his mind. Francois’ soon to be wife was also waiting for him at home.
Unwarranted advancements of a sexual nature from men kept following me. I am confident this occurs with many women in today’s world.
After Francois groped me, I went into mine and Liv’s apartment, balled my eyes out for a moment, recollected myself the best I could, then called Rosie in Montreal. Rosie basically said “there, there muffin. Everything’s gonna be okay.”
I suspect today that Rosie was seeing Wendy during this time. He was awfully preoccupied. More so than usual. Oh the pain. It was real.
In Aiden’s holy shit moment seeing Rosie’s drunken stupor, he called Liv and gave Rosie his phone so he could talk to her. Aiden gave the phone to Rosie after preparing Liv with who she was about to speak with and why. Liv spoke with him for several minutes. She said Rosie had been extremely persistent. What I understand, he was frantic and insistent in knowing where I was and wanted to know when I was expected home. Liv, with clear understanding Rosie was not going to take no for an answer, told Rosie where I was. I was at my parents house with a new friend named Joel. Liv had told Rosie the truth. I was at my parents place, and I planned to stay the night with Joel. With an idea in mind to return to Fredericton the following day after brunch with my parents.
I had a fabulous time with Joel. He drove all the way to my place in New Brunswick from Ontario to meet me. Then we drove to Halifax, Nova Scotia for our date. He wined and dined me in a fancy seafood restaurant. We walked along the boardwalk going inside quaint little shops and eateries along our way. Joel even held my hand in public. He was chivalrous, charming, adventurous, and affectionate. Joel put in the effort and deserves acknowledgement. That’s for certain.
Hand holding isn’t a common experience for me, nor is chivalry. Joel offered both the entire time I was with him. When our little roam on the boardwalk in Halifax came to an end, Joel and I closed the night out with a nightcap and a nice encounter in bed before falling asleep together.
The next day Joel and I drove about six or so hours back to St. Stephen, New Brunswick. He wanted to see the oceanside of the province and meet my parents. Rosie never did those things with me. He only held my hand when he was leading me through a crowd. He never met my parents nor had any desire to. Rosie didn’t have any desire in getting to know my family on a personal level. He only interacted with one person in my life. That person was my daughter Liv. Even those interactions were limited. Rosie enjoyed Liv’s insight just as much as he enjoyed mine. Otherwise one minute pleasantries was all he could muster.
My youngest daughter, Laura, saw Rosie’s character from almost day one. She didn’t care for him much. Laura offered her opinion when asked. Otherwise she kept her opinions to herself. She knew I had to learn my way. Laura also knew she could be blunt and straightforward. There’s no pussyfooting around when it comes to Laura defending her loved ones. She can be fiercely protective sometimes. She also expresses herself with colorful language. I love her strength. Even with her choice of words, which are heavily cursive.
Joel was fun to hang out with. He wasn’t the man for me. I knew that. Joel was overly affectionate and was planning out my engagement ring and wedding date within three days of getting to know each other in person. That’s not a good sign. Even I knew that back then.
After Liv explained where I was and that she didn’t know when she was to expect me home, Rosie wanted to know how to get to my parents house in St. Stephen. For the first time in the three years of knowing Rosie, he was finally okay with meeting my parents. And he was okay with showing up intoxicated at that.
Liv wasn’t about to give Rosie directions to my parents’ home, nor join him on the long drive. For two reasons; drunk driving and my overall safety. Liv also knew my parents would have had a field day with me if I woke them from their slumber with my drama, so she called me on my cell at midnight.
Joel and I were sitting quietly outside underneath the stars talking about our day and our overall time together. I met Joel back on the same dating app I had met Rosie on. Our little get together was after I did a walk of shame from a motel room Rosie often took me to. Rosie had sex with me then said, “I choose to be with Gemma for the kids”.
The motel I am referring to was off the side of a highway in between Oromocto and Fredericton. Rosie used the excuse that he lived in a tiny little room big enough for his bed. Inside a house with a family above, and another soldier as a roommate in the next room downstairs with him. According to Rosie, there was no privacy there. I chose to believe what he said about his place in Oromocto.
That’s just it though, a sliver of truth embedded within lies makes for quite the game of who done it. Rosie never introduced me to another person who was living there. He may have been telling me the truth. He may have also been leading me to a potential believable truth. This form of manipulative tactic creates gaslighting. Nonetheless, I fell for it. I met Rosie at countless three star motel rooms from 2017 to 2018. Before then I had lived alone so Rosie simply came to my bed instead.
At this time, I lived in a three room apartment with my daughter Liv and her then boyfriend, Aiden. With that in mind, where we lived was cramped and way too small for everyone, as well as significant sound barrier issues.
I’ll put it to you this way, when I had my own place before 2017, Rosie was at my place every night after 9:00 pm. We had a private place just for the two of us and to which I called my home. Rosie would bring his duffle bag and stay the night. He’d then get up in the morning and head off to work. Except for Fridays. Fridays he went back to Moncton to be with his kids and his secret fiancee.
Yep, I was that naive girl. The after 9:00 pm, no public outings, especially during the day, and a rare date if he felt it necessary to keep me soft hearted towards him, throughout the entire nine and a half years of being with him, girl. I was the naive little girl I thought he loved. Now I am the woman who knows he didn’t even like me, let alone love me. I think he secretly hated the fact that I am a strong and forthcoming communicator. He found himself often challenged in that regard.
The night Rosie invaded my time with Joel was intense. Whilst Joel and I reminisced about our whale watching day, my phone rang. It was Liv. She never interrupts my evenings out, nor had I ever gotten a call from her that wouldn’t have been important at that time of night. That wouldn’t have been like her. I also knew she was working. As soon as I saw her name pop up on my phone, I answered.
“Hi Liv. What’s wrong? Everything okay?”
She didn’t even get a chance to say hi before I bombarded her with concerning questions.
“Hi mum. I’m okay” Liv responded with an elongated III’mmm okay.
I said “oh, okay. What’s going on?”.
Liv remained vague. She said “I need you to come home right away. All is okay. We are fine. I just need you here”.
I said “of course honey. It’s gonna take a couple of hours to get there but I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
I hung up the phone with Liv and then turned to Joel to explain that we needed to go.
I didn’t know what was up. I did have a sneaky suspicion it had to do with Rosie though. Rosie had been texting and calling me in a foul mood earlier in the evening. I ignored most of them, which probably pissed him off even further. I didn’t want to be rude to Joel. He didn’t deserve that after all the effort he put into getting to know me. I did tell him that Rosie was the one who kept on interrupting my attention when we were conversing on the patio that night, so he was somewhat aware. Rosie knew I was with someone because I told him. He kept on berating me about being with someone else. How dare I choose to be with another man right before his birthday. I was a cold hearted bitch in Rosie’s eyes.
Rosie was so angry he forgot about the three weeks prior to this day. The dreaded walk of shame. Rosie and I booked a tiny motel room for the night. He brought a bottle of vodka, as per usual, and we drank. Whilst we were both drunk, and after sex, Rosie decided to explain to me that he and his ex, Gemma, were going to work on their relationship. According to Rosie, he was choosing to stay with Gemma for his kids. I was devastated. I dedicated three years of my life to that man by that point, not to mention, I once again felt like I gave my body away. I felt violated. That’s all I could think about whilst Rosie was snoring peacefully beside me.
I had a rough emotional night. The next morning I got up and got dressed whilst he stayed in bed a wee bit longer. I told him I had to go. I couldn’t bear to be in that room with him another minute. I was beside myself in personal grief. I was feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim. I was in my teenage ego feeling sexually used and rejected once again by love. I hardly slept a wink. I just wanted to go home, curl up in a fetal position, and tune out the world.
Rosie said bye as he got up to get ready for work that day. I’m not even sure if he looked at me when he said bye. My head was so far down, I could hardly see past the red and brown paisley designed carpet on the floor. I walked out of that room with a plastic grocery bag full of dirty clothes from the day before and my head held in my hands.
I walked about half a mile up the road alongside the highway to the truck stop that day. I went inside to look for a taxi company’s phone number to drive me to Fredericton. My cell phone didn’t have data so I was unable to do a Google search. My ex-husband, Bill, had taken my car for himself by that point. I had found a taxi number, called, then parked my butt on the bench outside to wait.
I lived about a twenty-five minutes drive away from where I was. I had little choice other than to wait. As I sat there crying quietly, Rosie drove up to the T-junction in the road right in front of me and made a left-hand turn without hesitation. He didn’t pull into the gas station parking lot. He acted like he didn’t even see me on the bench crying my eyes out, his windshield was working fine as far as I could tell. He knew I was sitting there. He just drove off on his merry way to work like he didn’t crush my heart the night before.
I was heartbroken and extremely overwhelmed that day. The next day I was burnt out from crying. I was burnt out from being in constant physical pain. I was burnt out from being let down by yet another man. Rosie had also forgotten on that faithful night of drunken stupor that he had only just gotten back from a vacation with his baby momma to Mexico as well. He was there with her whilst I was getting to know Joel on the dating app. I guess that was what he meant by “I choose Gemma for the kids”?
I’m not innocent when it comes to true intentions. I chose to meet Joel under false pretenses. I thought if I met someone new I could get over Rosie. All I wanted was to escape my life with someone kind and fun to be around. Joel had no idea a week before meeting him I was talking to Rosie over the phone. Telling him I wanted to die. I didn’t know Rosie had me on his car’s speaker phone for his ex, his mother, and his two kids to overhear me either.
I was on the brink of taking my life spewing my guts to a man who was secretly getting a kick out of the attention and my distraught. Rosie telling me there was nothing he could do and that I was on speaker phone for Gemma and his mother to hear, after I spilled my heart out to him, absolutely crushed me. I am confident that horrifically embarrassing information was the deciding factor in my choice to end my life that night. It pushed me over the edge. Rosie also played with his ex’s mind at that time. Letting her think he could get anyone and that the phone call could act as proof that he broke up with me for her.
Gemma and I knew of each other at that point. Gemma had called me out of the blue one day in June, 2017. That’s when all shit hit the fan. Rosie lied through that too. After he accused me of ruining his family by being truthful to Gemma, and kept that temper tantrum going for a couple of weeks, he smoothed things over by playing the victim in the storyline.
Rosie’s explanation and deflection of the motel incident on the night I returned home from being with Joel was, “It’s not working with her. You know that. We are not together like that, I promise. You misunderstood me back at the motel. You were drunk, remember? You’re overreacting. You know what she’s like. We are miserable. We fight constantly”.
Rosie was adamant and slurring his words. Yeah right is what I think now. He was a smooth talker though. My naive ego was hooked on his looks, his appendage, and his charm. My ego was ignorant to his deflection and gaslighting.
Rosie was charming under the right circumstances. I also didn’t know he, along with his family, were driving to Montreal so he could leave the kids with his mom and go on a planned tropical escape to the Mayan Ruins in Mexico with Gemma. They were on their way on holiday when I called him distraught days after my walk of shame.
All I knew and fixated on in my mind during his drunken tangent about Joel was that he decided to make things work with Gemma for his kids and he had me on speaker phone without a care for my overall well-being.
Rosie was playing the wall you make in a pingpong table so that you could bounce the ball without the ball following through. My fact based knowledge was bouncing right off of him. All I was doing was hearing myself whilst seeing his rage.
I took an entire bottle of Ketorlac and other narcotic medications to end my life the night I spoke with Rosie over is car speaker. They were old prescriptions specialists gave to me for severe cramp attacks. They didn’t work to kill me. Thank goodness. They didn’t help the cramp much either to be honest.
All I did was hallucinate and then I crashed out. I distinctly remember my daughter and her boss from the cleaning company showing up at the apartment at some point. I guess I had texted both my daughters a form of goodbye message. They made sure I was breathing and safe. Liv and her boss then went back to work from what I understand.
I know Liv has some trauma surrounding this night to work through. I take accountability for this fact.
The drive back from my parents home to Fredericton that night with Joel was awkward, and for the most part, silent. I was too anxious about the potential of seeing Rosie when I got home. I couldn’t speak much. The poor man didn’t have a clue what he had gotten himself into. Joel still wanted to pursue me even after that entire fiasco. We didn’t hang out other than a talk and coffee after Rosie’s tangent; for the most part anyway. Like I mentioned, Joel wasn’t for me. I wasn’t about to continue to lead him on in any way.
I didn’t see Rosie’s car when Joel and I had arrived in the parking lot across the street from mine and Liv’s place. I had scanned the area with my eyes. “I guess I was wrong and it wasn’t about Rosie?” That was my initial thought. I must admit, I was a bit taken back by the thought of my intuition being incorrect. With that in mind, Joel and I walked up to the door and went inside.
Had I seen Rosie’s car, I would have explained the situation to Joel and bid him a fond farewell in his car. Before we had decided to go into the apartment. Rosie knew that. He planned it that way in the hopes of Joel coming into the apartment to bid his farewell. Rosie wanted to confront him. Where Rosie chose to park his car was premeditated. I am confident in this assumption.
As soon as I entered with Joel trailing closely behind me, we came across Rosie sitting right in front of us. He was sitting on the bed I used to sleep on. It was situated right by the front door of the apartment. Rosie and I locked eyes like two deer in headlights. I then quickly looked to my left to see Liv mouth the word “sorry”. She then quietly backed away and hid in her room with her boyfriend.
Liv later explained to me that Rosie would not leave her side whilst she was speaking with me on the phone . Nor was she able to text me a heads up in the event Rosie would see. Rosie had scared Liv in that moment too.
When I saw Rosie I instantly turned around and addressed Joel politely. I told him he had to go. Joel obliged respectfully and left; even though he drove all the way from Ontario to see me, was suppose to hang out with me for another day, and had to drive all the way back to Ontario afterwards. I escorted Joel to his car and gave him a hug and a huge apology. Rosie was watching us from the front window. I turned around and went back to the apartment.
The night was just getting started. Highway to hell, incoming!
LivWithClairity 