(Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
Bill was a civil technician working at a saw mill in a quaint little town in New Brunswick, Canada, called St. Stephen. He was born and raised on the east coast of New Brunswick in a place called Black’s Harbour. Bill had rarely travelled outside of New Brunswick when we met. I on the other hand moved from one big city to another every few years throughout my life. With that, I was the suburban city girl meeting the rural fishing town boy.
I say I was a girl because I had just turned twenty-five that May in 1999. I was just getting my feet wet when it came to living as a single mum. Bill was thirty-six at the time. I suspect part of the reason my mum said I was looking for my father in Bill was due to our almost twelve year age gap.
When my mother introduced me to Bill in May, 1999, I had no idea they were having an affair. Looking back now, I can see that the vibe and signs were there that fateful day in their break time cafeteria. I ignored them. I would never have guessed my mother would have an affair. Especially since she told me her mother got pregnant by another man when she had conceived my mother’s younger brother. My mother didn’t think too highly of her mother because of that. When my mother confided in me about her affair with Bill a month or two after our initial meet and greet, I was shocked to say the least.
Bill kissed me for the first time in October of that same year. After a couple of hours of alcohol and pool at the local Dooley’s pub. I had no intentions of being with Bill. It was my drunken, lonely, heartbroken stupor that brought me to the lighthouse that night. I was vulnerable and completely shit faced. Bill took advantage of the opportunity he found himself with.
As you may have read in a previous post, when I told my mum about it, she kicked me and my girls out of the house we were living in that my parents owned. Then my mum closed her business that she had hired me to be a part of. When I got out of the hospital from contracting pneumonia, I had no money, no job, and nowhere to go. With that, I moved in with Bill and his roommate John.
I knew Bill’s roommate John first. In fact we lightly dated for a couple of weeks during the summer of 1999. John was a good guy. He wasn’t the man for me. He demanded attention often, making it difficult to get a word in edgewise. John also said he loved me within less than a month of knowing me. His speed for commitment was all wrong for me. With that, John and I remained friendly with one another. There were no hard feelings that I was aware of.
One evening after hanging out with John for most of the afternoon, John brought me and my girls back to his and Bill’s place. It was a lovely day. I was in good spirits, as were my girls. That’s what made entering John’s place so intriguing. As soon as I entered the house, I found myself in their kitchen. Within an instant of entering, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I knew it wasn’t me. I was having a beautiful day. It was Bill. His energy was overpowering.
I had already met Bill at my mother’s work by that point. With that said, I hardly knew him. As soon as I felt the energy shift within me, I thought in my mind, “that’s not me. That’s coming from somewhere else”.
As soon as I thought of those words, my eyes went to Bill. I made the connection. It was at that moment when I was able to distinguish whose energy was whose within the same space.
Today I recognize the value in knowing another person’s energy. I also know without a shadow of a doubt, you can only help those who are willing to help themselves. If I felt a vibe like Bill’s today, I would distance myself. Back then, I was intrigued. I wanted to understand Bill so that I could help him from an energetic and spiritual perspective. I may have had a messed up life. I was still able to read people if I focused on them enough. With that in mind, I tapped into Bill’s energy again that evening.
We were all sitting in the living room. I was sitting on an armchair. Bill was seated on the sofa. In my mind I asked myself questions about Bill.
“What’s making him feel so sad?”.
The response in my head was his children. His children were separated from him. I felt they were at a fair distance from him. No sooner did I receive that intuitive response, Bill got up from the sofa and headed for the kitchen. As he passed by me he whispered “you shouldn’t invade people’s privacy like that”.
Talk about intriguing. How the fuck did he know I was reading him? Now I really was intrigued.
My experience with Bill in that moment helped me realize the morality around reading people. Just because I can, it doesn’t always make it morally correct to do so. This experience with Bill was invaluable in my ability to redirect my focus so that I wouldn’t accidentally, nor intentionally, read too deeply into another person without their consent. I read enough to know what my body is producing when interacting with someone. I then ask a certain question in my mind pertaining to the person. If I feel there is little to no threat, I stick around for a wee bit and release my energetic focus. If I sense energy which would affect me adversely, I make an exit.
I am grateful to Bill for this life lesson. What I have come to learn by having met Bill when it comes to spiritual morality is invaluable, honorable, and well worth respecting as a fond memory between him and I in my mind. Bill was a tough and fabulous teacher for me.
In addition to the realization that Bill accepted I was able to read this way, I felt seen, even if only at a glimpse. I never dare speak to Albert about my abilities. With Bill recognizing it, and acknowledging it so accurately, made me think, maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t think I am a whack job. I felt somewhat seen for the first time. This false sense of acceptance overshadowed Bill’s ego. Rather than clock Bill’s depressive energy, I latched onto his acceptance that there was more to me.
Whilst Bill and I were married, Bill suffered immensely from a mental health condition called Borderline Personality Disorder. Bill suffered his entire life from this from what I understand. He wasn’t diagnosed at the time that we met. He received a diagnosis sometime after our divorce in 2017.
I am not a medical expert in any way shape or form, nor is it my place to speak of Bill’s mental health. What I can do is explain what it was like to live with him.
Bill rarely laughed. He rarely participated in family outings or playtime with the girls. More often than not he was sullen or serious. Basically, living with Bill was like snuggling up cozy with Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh. When I said, “I love you” to Bill, he would respond with “I’m sorry”.
At first I would coddle him by reminding him how much he was loved. After a few years, approximately ten, I started responding back to his “I’m sorry” with “are you sorry because IIII love you?, or, are you sorry because I love YOU?” He wouldn’t respond to my sarcasm or dismissal of his “woe is me” attitude.
Bill also had an extremely difficult time under pressure. As soon as Bill felt high levels of stress at work, around the two-and-a-half year mark, he would gain an itch to change jobs. When I thought about the amount of times he switched companies, Clairity chimed in.
“When you worked for Enbridge Natural Gas and doing well for yourself, what did Bill decide to do?”
Bill decided to apply for a job in another city over an hour’s drive away.
Clairity continued with her line of questioning
“What did you do to accommodate him?”
I changed roles within the company I worked for so that Bill, the girls, and I, could move to the new city.
“After you moved to Saint John, how long did Bill stay at that new job?”
He only lasted about three months if my memory serves me correctly.
“What did he decide to do next?”
Bill decided to work for a man he knew inside a small engineering gig within the little town we were living in outside the city of Saint John after he relinquished his real estate license he had just received.
“After a main artery was caught within a muscle spasm in your neck, which aided in a lack of blood flow to your brain, you were taken to the hospital for a short stay. What did you decide to do?”.
I decided to go back to school because I was placed on medical leave from work. I hated the idea of being on permanent disability. I was determined to make something of myself.
“When you started school whilst on disability, what did Bill decide to do?”
Bill decided that was a good time for him to go to school too. He registered into a respiratory therapy program at the University of New Brunswick.
“Did he complete his education?”, Clairity asked.
No he didn’t. Bill decided to quit school during the last six months before his scheduled internship was to start. He said he didn’t like the idea of having to leave the province to complete his practicum. With thirty thousand dollars worth of school debt, Bill decided to return to the company he was with before moving to Saint John.
I switched out of psychology and chose metaphysics instead. As I was learning metaphysics, I was also implementing self realized health practices. I taught myself to walk without the use of a cane. I reconditioned my mind and body so that I could tolerate pain longer, or be active longer before pain would set in. I was learning so much about my mind, body, and spirit connectivity that I decided to break free from disability insurance. I received a seventy thousand dollar payout to which I used to open a spiritual center. With Bill working for his previous employer again, and me in school to earn my master’s degree at a distance, I was willing to take a leap of faith on me.
I loved the spiritual center. People came in to see me daily. I didn’t always make sales. With that said, I gained a regular crowd of people who enjoyed coming to my storefront lounge area to sit, chat, and talk about everything spiritual. I taught intuitive development and offered private spiritual healing sessions. Other practitioners, including my mother, offered energy healing such as Reiki. Tranquil Spirit was open from mid 2006 through to mid 2009. I earned my master’s degree in metaphysics in 2008.
I opened the centre Tranquil Spirit in Fredericton, New Brunswick in September of 2006. The center closed due to taking too high of risks in product selection for resale, and due to my overly generous nature at the time. I lacked business sense.
When I closed the main business, I relocated my personal spiritual services to a beautiful office space on the opposite side of town. During that time I travelled to give seminars on effective communication strategies in the workplace, as well as bullying awareness seminars in middle schools and highschools in New Brunswick. I also gave several group mediumship sessions at hotels and people’s homes. I loved what I was doing.
“What’s the reason you stopped doing that Clair?”.
I felt a twinge in my stomach when Clairity asked me that. Bill had my business phone line disconnected then told me he was moving to Nova Scotia for a job advancement within the company he worked for.
“I got a job offer in Nova Scotia, are you coming?”, Bill asked as if to say, “your opinion means nothing. I’m doing this regardless of how you feel”.
I was exhausted, pissed, and beside myself. I also lacked confidence that I could clean up my financial distress and become successful in my own right. Bill went further on to say, “you’re going to have to declare bankruptcy either way. This is a good solution. We can start fresh”.
With that, I turned away from my dreams to move for Bill once again. I had to inform my mum because she was working alongside me and enjoyed her time with us in Fredericton. My mum was able to get away from her quiet life with my dad for a few days. She worked in the center and traveled with me to speaking engagements during the daytime and stayed at the house with her grandbabies, Bill, and myself overnight.
My mum had it pretty good if you ask me. I think that may have been a big influence in the way my mum responded to me when I told her Bill, the girls, and I, were leaving the province.
My mum’s reaction to the unexpected news was “your moving to Nova Scotia? What about me? When? Why?”
My response to her reasonable questions was “Bill applied for a job advancement within the company he works for and was offered the position”.
That was it. Tranquil Spirit was laid to rest on a bed of bankruptcy. My mum walked away feeling a wee bit more bitter towards me than she had before then. I walked away having to start from ground zero all over again.
How does all this tie into my dad?, I thought. Whilst I pondered that question, Clairity responded.
“Clair, your dad maintained his career and moved only to advance himself. Each time you moved as a child was for your dad’s career. Your mum may have or may not have sacrificed her dreams for your dad. That’s neither here nor there. What is important to identify is your acceptance that sacrifice for your spouse is to be expected. That was the way you translated your parents’ career decisions. In addition to that, how often did you see your dad moody, sullen, or quiet?”
Often I thought. My dad was getting increasingly cantankerous as he aged. He seemed to be a lot more light hearted in my younger years. The bitterness in my dad grew as time passed by. Who can blame him? He bore witness to a man who had sex with both his wife and his daughter. My dad then stayed married with my mum as she chose to go to Bill’s and my home for days at a time each week. I, his daughter, allowed it. My dad had much to be bitter about because my dad was a man of few words. He did not speak on the topic. Whilst I, nor my mother, considered his potential mental and emotional torment. How freaking sad is that? Damn. I can see the reason my dad would view me as a villain.
“Did Bill take you out on dates? Did he ask questions about your work or get involved with understanding your dream?, or, did he just give some money and leave you to figure things out for yourself?”
Quite often Bill left me to my own devices whilst he puttered around feeling sorry for himself. My dad supported my mother with her businesses the same way. My dad humored my mother. He didn’t really believe in her ability to create a solidly successful business for herself.
Holy pattern recognition!
“What’s the reason you left Bill?” was the last question Clairity asked when it came to Bill, before moving onto Rosie.
Bill emailed me one day whilst we were living in Nova Scotia. The two-and-a-half year mark was upon us. Bill was experiencing the self sabotaging itch once again. The email he sent had one sentence only. It read “I want to end it!”.
My response back was “you want to end what? Our marriage? Your career? Your life? What?”.
Bill then sent me a responding email that read “pick one”.
To which I responded with “okay”.
That afternoon I went for a walk to the water with my girls. I asked them a question. I said, “my mum said that Bill was emotionally manipulating me. Do you believe that?”.
My girls’ response surprised me. In almost unison the girls said, “yes mum, for as long as we’ve known him”.
I then said, “I am thinking of leaving him. If I do, I would like to go back to Fredericton.”
The reason I wanted to return to Fredericton was because I had built a strong reputation for my intuitive sessions there. I also had support with the classes I had offered. Fredericton was a strong candidate in helping me recreate a spiritual business for myself.
My girls thought it was a good thing for me to leave Bill. They said I deserved to be happy and that they thought my spark was missing. Laura didn’t want to move back to New Brunswick. With that said, she was incredibly supportive of my decision to leave Bill. With that in mind, the girls and I moved back to New Brunswick for June 01, 2012.
I agreed to the new title bestowed upon me by Bill’s family which was a cold hearted bitch for leaving Bill when he needed me most. I kept silent to their judgement because what they didn’t know was that Bill needed me the most almost everyday of our fourteen year union. Bill admitted to me that he only married me because I stayed.
After about a year of Bill’s initial marriage proposal in 2003, he broke off the engagement. He said he didn’t want to change what was already good. I basically said “okie dokie”. I wasn’t about to force a marriage, nor was I about to leave because he wasn’t truly interested in that piece of paper. I had already been married so for me, as long as he was loyal and committed, he wasn’t necessarily doing wrong in my eyes at that time. We remained in a common-law relationship after he broke off our engagement out of the blue.
When Bill told me he decided to marry me simply because I stayed after he broke off the initial engagement, I woke up to what was really going on. Bill liked to play mind games to see how much Eeyore’ing I was willing to tolerate and build back up. Basically he informed me that he didn’t require change because I was willing to put up with his bullshit. He was correct.
That wasn’t the love for me so I let Bill win. He didn’t believe he was good enough for me. I finally agreed with him.
Round three with Rosie. How was I projecting my dad onto Rosie? was my question. Clairity’s response was, “Rosie represents something even deeper within you. Are you ready to see you from before you were born?”
Yes. Yes I am
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