(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Read at your discretion. 18+)
Before going to sleep last night I was under the impression that I was going to write about my excursion with Grandpa Joe today. It seems this is not the case.
Clairity as urged me to write to you about what is happening within me as of late. Currently, in my reality, it is December, 02, 2025. I am challenged with the approaching Christmas holiday. There must be a good reason for Clairity’s gentle nudge to share my internal struggles with you. Perhaps if you read about the way that I identify, process, and select the information I utilize during a difficult experience, you would also receive some benefits?
The holiday season can be a challenge for the lightest of souls. Let alone those who feel alone and misunderstood this time of year. The land of misfit toys is a sad and lonely place for many people this time of year. I am one of those misfits. I have lived on the isle of misfit toys for decades. It’s no fun.
Life is a journey. Life is in constant motion. It’s important to maintain a relationship with your ego and your spirit whilst you move through your life. It’s a daily effort. A balancing act, if you will. It doesn’t matter if you have a wonderful family, a highly successful career, and an abundance of excellent health. If you would like to maintain that vibrant flow of energy, you must be willing to maintain the person inside of you at all times, and to the best of your ability. You gotta be willing to talk to your little person inside like a loving parent would talk with their child during a crisis. Anytime you are making a decision, it’s important to check in with your morals and integrity. You must be willing to say no to your inner child when you find yourself creating too high of a risk over the long run. Check in with the law of cause and effect from a grander scale.
Just like Rumpelstiltskin says in an amazing Disney series called Once Upon A Time, “magic always comes with a price deary”.
If a child sees candy, they will grab the candy without any hesitation. It’s up to you to let them know too much candy can be harmful. The price you would pay in the long run may end up being far more costly than you realize. Candy being dangled before your eyes is a sweet deal which can offer sour results in the end.
Candy is a metaphor for your subconscious addictions which were created from a harmful belief. My ego created a belief that men see Christmas as a mundane humbug. I came to an oppressive acceptance that unless I had made Christmas special, Christmas would be as quiet as a door mouse. Unless I chose to be festive with a hurt heart, Christmas would be a lonely world for me to be in. My inner child’s candy is the sweetness of feeling rejected this time of year. I was trained to accept rejection. I know that intellectually. Emotionally, I hold my little girl’s hand inside of me and think to myself, “I love you sweetheart. Christmas is magical. You are magical. I know you haven’t been able to buy Christmas presents for over ten years. I get it. You are attracting great resources. No worries. We’ve got this”.
I think proactive thoughts to combat feelings of loneliness within me at the moment. It’s a daily reminder that I must give myself. Something you would hear me say is “you already have it. Your awareness is simply catching up with this fact.”. Thinking this way often helps me to override thoughts which are oppressed because of my current circumstances.
If you ignore your inner child’s desire and impulse to focus on lack in any area of your life, your subconscious will remain focused on what you perceive you can’t have. Rather than experience true happiness, loneliness keeps you in the pursuit of happiness. That gets awfully tiring after a while.
It is only through gentle and resilient reminders that you give your inner child, that truly helps your inner child release the impulse to pout, or to make too high of a demand on your overall wellbeing. This has been the case in my life for me anyway .
You must choose to pull your focus back into alignment with your highest loving timeline whenever you feel out of alignment with your true self. To do that, you must be able to recognize an ego stage, (child, teenager, adult, elder), within you, that is being triggered at any given moment. No one can do that for you. You are the only one who knows what you truly think.
Remember, it is you inside your own private theater. You are creating, producing, and directing your own movie. You may have different versions of you who are with you inside your private theater. They all represent different ages and stages in your life. They are all your reflections designed by your own consciousness. The powerful omnipresence you identify with is your soul and God consciousness. You have an ability to readjust your position inside your mind to be able to tap into your ego stages, divine connection, and the omnipresent observer to retrieve higher learning. That’s exactly what Clairity has been getting me to remember.
I have been acknowledging the challenging waves of emotions within me as of late. Then I gently switch my focus back to the beauty of the season and what I am currently creating for myself. I choose to see the twinkling lights as magical. Rather than view them as a painful reminder of what I have yet to experience.
If you choose to ignore your needs, wants, and desires, your inner child will eventually have a temper tantrum, or help to cause you to collapse out of sheer exhaustion. I’ve been there many times. Falling into despair is exhausting and creates anger. This then helps to create a depressed state. Depression is excessive heavy energy weighted down upon your auric field over a long period of time. Depressed energy, when carried long enough, then increases the sensation hopelessness. That’s usually not good for anyone. I am hopeful. I choose to be.
You fill a balloon with helium, not led. You require lighter energy to lift yourself back up. Unfortunately, you are the one who has to use the breath to help fly once again.
With all that said, my little girl inside me has been feeling sad. Clairity has been helping me stay in a loving state so that I can maintain a faster vibration and therefore, frequency.
It’s okay to visit a difficult emotion, in fact, it is necessary. Staying there on the other hand is a choice many people often make and is often due to hidden psychological patterns. Since I am aware of this for myself, I would be a hypocrite if I had decided to ignore my current ego driven thoughts, which would only keep me in envy or a jealous vibrational state.
As Uncle Ben says in the movie Spiderman, “with knowledge comes power. With power comes great responsibility”. In addition, accountability leads to growth. I must make myself accountable for my choices in my perception.
Christmas is wonderful and equally difficult for me. My plan is to change that with the help of my God. I affirm, 2025 is my last year of loneliness at Christmas time. I also affirm this new year’s eve to be my last year of isolation. I affirm I have a person who is proud to take me out to celebrate New Year’s Eve every year from here on in. I am surrounded by authentic love and am kissed by my person underneath a mistletoe. As well as kissing him at the stroke of midnight each year. It may have to take fifty-two years to make this happen for me. That’s okay. There is a first for everyone, including me.
I love Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love to see people putting up their Christmas lights. I love walking around town each evening to see all the lights in all their magnificent glory. The streets come alive with magic for me during this festive season. I love seeing all sorts of cultures celebrating their family and divine faith in their unique and expressive way. I love to see the children’s faces on Christmas morning as they light up inside after receiving anything from pajamas to fancy gadgets. I loved making an upside down turkey dinner each year when I did have a passion for cooking. As cold as Canada is in December, Christmas is my warmest time of year.
Last night my mind kept on drifting into past Christmases. I see beautiful homes lit up and I think about how I haven’t had my own home since Christmas of 2016. Each year since then, I have felt like a visitor, rather than an active family member.
Do you know what I mean? Do you know the feeling when you go out to extended family members houses for Christmas dinner? You were happy to visit, and happy to go back home afterwards? If you have, then you know the energy it takes to be cordial. Christmas is nice, but not quite the same as it would be in your own home. I have settled for this kind of Christmas for a decade.
Since 2016, I have had cordial experiences for my perceived Christmases. Most years I either visited my significant other’s family, or, I was quietly sitting in my room. Playing a game on my phone whilst my children were with their extended families. I didn’t make a big deal out of prezzies for me. With that said, I have often felt a small twinge of disappointment each year when I came to realize the man I loved put little effort and forethought into a gift for me.
I am hugely sentimental. Price tags mean very little to me. Effort means everything. Make me something from your heart and creativity and you would likely see me happier than a pig in shit. I am one of those people who like to display or tuck away gifts which were made for me. I have a few items over the years from my children. Chances are, I will have them for the remainder of my life.
My favorite Christmas present was from my children back in 2006. They lovingly made me a scrapbook with beautiful photos of them growing up. They were nine and ten at the time. My girls put dates and drew cartoon thought bubbles with messages inside them on each page. I still have that scrapbook today. It may be a little worse for wear with all the moving I have done over the years. Nonetheless, I still look at it from time to time with a big ole smile on my face.
My ex-husbands, and Rosie, typically bought me pajamas, my favorite chocolate of the year, and something cosmetic related. The final christmas season I celebrated with Rosie, his mother, and his children, back in 2023, was pleasant. Rosie had bought me pajamas, a new pair of slippers, and a bathroom Avon basket. Rosie was also thoughtful enough to credit me for some of the gifts he had bought for his family. I could feel embarrassed internally without having to look the part externally.
That Christmas and the year before that were the only Christmases in nine years that Rosie thought of me. I met him towards the end of October, 2014. Every year other than 2022 and 2023, Rosie simply sent me a holiday e-card that wished me all the best.
For Christmas 2023, Rosie bought his mother a similar Avon basket as the one he had bought me. Along with a tablet of some kind that swiveled on a speaker. It was adapted with a motion detector. When Rosie’s mum moved and then spoke, the tablet followed her motion and command. I think it may have been a type of Alexa?, if my memory serves me correctly. Not sure to be honest. It was fancy in my mind. Rosie bought that for his mum so that she could listen to her Shekkinah anywhere and anytime she desired. It was a lovely gift. A bit too fancy for me. I know very little about techie stuff.
I was disheartened when I had learned it was my daughter Liv who had sent Rosie a small list of items that I would have likely appreciated that 2023 Christmas. He picked my gifts from Liv’s texted list, not from his own thoughtful observation of me. Rosie didn’t take the time to know me. Minimum effort was far more convenient for him.
My daughters do think of me at Christmas, and spoil me each year to the best of their financial abilities. A loving partner on the other hand, not so much.
A part of me is solely relying on faith when it comes to me attracting true love, as well as having my own place to call home. Having a home to call my own is one area where I am constantly reassuring the little girl inside me, telling her, “I’ve got you. You’re safe. It doesn’t always have to be this way. Remember, you already have your own home. Your awareness is simply catching up to that fact. Keep going”.
I constantly reinforce the importance of me moving forward. Last night was no exception. During my walk alone, I started to wonder what the reason was for my quiet Christmases, and even quieter New Year’s Eve celebrations that I have experienced since being a recognized adult. That’s when Clairity chimed in.
“Clair, what were your parents like during Christmas when you were growing up?”
I thought that was a very good question. I thought about it for a good moment before I was able to acknowledge a hidden truth of my parents marriage. My mother loved Christmas as much as I could tell. My father couldn’t have cared less about Christmas and made that perfectly clear to the rest of us in the household. My mother would do ninety percent of the decorating. My dad untangled Christmas lights and hung them up. My mother usually did all the baking and most of the cooking when I was a kid. It wasn’t until over this past decade that my dad took over most of the daily cooking.
In my earlier years we had a big Christmas tree decorated beautifully by my mum. She made our tree look full and vibrant with beautiful bows, ribbons, and white lights each year. We also had lights on our home outside. As the years passed by, their Christmas tree got smaller and a Santa was replaced by a talking Scrooge doll. They stopped putting Christmas lights up outside on their house. Eventually they stopped putting up a table top tree in their living room.
My mum stopped putting in the effort to make Christmas magical. My dad was allowed to relax about Christmas and not care or feel obligated. I am basing that knowledge of six Christmases ago when I had last seen them at Christmas.
When my brother and I had opened our presents each year, my dad would say “yep, I knew you got that”, in a joking manner. Whilst looking over at my mum in acknowledgment of her solo shopping mission. It was his way of acknowledging that he had nothing to do with our present selections, nor was he involved in wrapping them. My mother was the one who made Christmas magical for my brother and I each year. My father was in attendance simply because he had to be.
I also have little memory of my dad taking my mum out for New Year’s Eve. I think I may have been in grade school the last time my dad celebrated with my mum outside of their house during final countdown of the year. I also remember my mum, in her much later years, telling me my father and her had gone to a neighbor’s house to celebrate once or twice.
I’m fifty-two this year. That’s not a lot of effort to create magic between the two of them within my perception. In my perception, my father had immersed himself in humbug lifestyles and took my mum down with him. As far as I can tell, my mum’s spark for Christmas went out years ago.
“Correct Clair. Your father has his reasons for his disdain for Christmas. He has a journey as well. With that in mind, your parents taught you love. Your father taught you what to expect from a loving partner. Your mother taught you what you were to accept from a loving partner. Neither one of your parents had given you a message of unconditional love and acceptance in a holiday meant to express love and peace. Christmas became a perceived obligation rather than a joyous family event. Couple that message from your earlier years with your fear of money, and you will have the perfect recipe for additional lonely holiday seasons later in life.
You have been following your recipe for love and money ever since you were a wee little one. Your fears grew stronger with each passing year. Your fears have been steadily, and subconsciously affecting your overall experience with Christmas. Fear of love creates experiences involving drama during a loving season. Fear of responsibility associated with a lot of money creates financial restrictions during the holiday season. This is the cause and effect. You, Clair, unknowingly rejected Christmas because you subconsciously associated Christmas with obligation and high costs, not because of a genuine connection and true love. Resentment had built up inside of you, which then had caused a downward trajectory in your financial capacity to contribute towards presents for your children and other people”.
Wow, what a revelation that was. Masculine energy teaches us what we can expect from love. Feminine energy teaches us what to accept from love. Our parents are symbolic representations of love which our psyche then identifies as fact. Constant fighting between parents, or parents displaying little affection during holiday seasons, can foster fear of genuine connections. If your parents argued or were not team players on gift selections during special holiday events, a fear of responsible spending can take a foothold in your psyche.
Your guardians can teach you to fear believing in a genuine connection and to fear losing money, or be unable to handle money wisely, just by your observations of their actions when addressing these topics for themselves. If you learned to fear love, holidays can be tarnished. If you learned to fear the level of responsibility that comes with having lots of money, or holding resentment towards money, a financial strain hits when you require money the most.
Your guardians teach you through your observations of them in action. The results of your observations can, and often do, show up in later years. You gotta cook the stew before you can serve it sort of deal. When fears marinate over a significant period of time, future results often become less than ideal. So cool, and yet so challenging at the same time.
“Yes Clair, exactly. Without you realizing it, your ego has been proving that both money and love are scarce and that you are to be overlooked. You taught yourself that unless you put in the effort to make life magical, you will be ignored or kept around in obligation. Are you going to continue to accept this form of love and instability for yourself?”, Clairity asked in a loving, and equally firm way.
No, no I am not.
I have learned and continue to learn balanced reciprocity in all areas of my life. I deserve to see and be seen. I am awesome people in my eyes. There are others who can see that about me too. I no longer accept a small existence. I celebrate Christmas and New Year’s Eve loud and proud from here on in, or at least for the 2026 season onward anyway. I can make my Christmas magical with or without twinkling lights.
I also recognize that I too was a mum who had taught my girls what to accept in love. My children learned scarce love through me just as I did from my own mother. Both my mother and I bellyached about our partners. Both of us stayed in our unhealthy relationships whilst we complained. Even though we had complained often, and we had been taken advantage of by men, we had stayed. Staying is acceptance of a reality. Regardless of how much bellyaching is done.
Generational “curses” are a real thing. With that said, I believe in my girls. I know they embrace what true love really means for them. All I can do is accept my accountability in their perception of love and money and continue to love them the way I know how. My girls know what they are doing. It is also none of my business. They are grown up.
So that’s it. That’s today’s entry. Anytime you feel low or your reality hasn’t caught up with your ideal life, reaffirm what you are committed to. Affirm your value. Reestablish your boundaries. Give reassurance and a better understanding of your inner child’s perception. Love yourself in spite of what may be happening around you. If you are able to, identify a pattern and address this aspect of you. Do that by identifying a version of you who is still experiencing pain. Talk with that version of you with the gift of hindsight. Remember, every small step today becomes a giant leap tomorrow. You’re doing fabulous and so am I.
LivWithClairity 