(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
What the fuck am I doing? I have been writing almost everyday since November 16, 2025. I have written forty-eight entries with less than five readers following along. Who am I truly writing to?, and to what end?
To this day I am still living on a, now raised mattress, thanks to my daughter buying a metal bedframe, without two pennies to rub together. Everything I have attempted to make something of myself, has seemingly failed. I have no energy left to help people understand subconscious pattern recognition, nor do I have the strength to keep putting energy into something that has offered little physical return. I am at a loss when it comes to reaching the masses.
With that in mind, I surrender. I don’t know what I am doing. All I do know is who I am and the reasons my life went in the direction it did. I accept my choices in life. I accept the outcome. I still hold peace in my heart knowing that my intentions have been pure. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be pleased with my efforts in this lifetime. I would also be proud of how much I have learned. I may not have been able to figure out how to make a living out of what I know, at least I was honored with the awareness to learn what I know. I also know my daughter can’t keep taking care of me. It is not her job to look after me financially, nor in any other capacity really.
I am honestly starting to question if there really is a God. I keep hearing Clairity whisper, “trust the process”. Honestly, that’s all I have been doing! Trust and having faith my work pays off. When is enough, enough?
I don’t know what else to do with my life. Is this all there is? Am I best to go to a group home?, or homeless shelter?, so that Liv can be free of supporting me? Liv makes minimum wage for crying out loud. With two small children to boot. Fuck!!! What do I do?? God, if there truly is a sentient being who truly sees my heart and soul, is this it for me?
I wouldn’t change my past for the world. With that said, who do I talk to about changing my present situation? I see motivational speakers and gurus talking. They are making tons of money without truly going deep into subconscious patterns. Many talk about the law of attraction and mindsets, yet rarely do I hear how to change subconscious beliefs and attachments. I had to figure it out for myself with Clairity’s help. Yet, here I am, still penniless. Am I simply playing with my own mind? I don’t know what to do. All I know is, I know what I don’t know, as well as, what not to do.
I know how to identify an ego. I can read vibrations extremely well. I can identify the true intentions behind someone’s thoughts and actions. I can communicate with spirit. I can see beyond the illusion. Yet, here I am, penniless.
Is this it for me? Am I meant to be lonely and penniless for the remainder of my days on this planet? Am I going insane? Anyone in my position probably would. I’m exhausted. Living in hope and prayer can be heavy to carry sometimes. I am feeling sorry for myself and I don’t know how to break out of it. I feel like I am suffocating inside myself. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am not meant to have all the answers. It would be nice to meet someone who does have some answers though.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is I want to live instead of simply exist. How do you break out of the only cage you have ever known? How do you open a door where there is no handle to turn in view? How do I figure out how to do something I have never done before? Where do I find the strength to take yet another leap of faith?
Today is a full blown ego day, and as it stands in this moment in time, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing.
Have you had days like these? I suspect we all do on occasion. That’s just it. There is so much to you. There are so many layers of truth when it comes to the full scope of who you are. You are the ego. You are the spirit. You are the victim. You are the villain. You are the child. You are the parent. You are a form of energy having an experience in physical form.
To truly honor yourself and all of who you are, allow your ego to voice what is upsetting you in the moment you are upset. Feel your feelings. Think about your thoughts. Express your ego’s desire to be understood in some way which creates harm to none. To build a trusting relationship with creation, your spirit, or higher self, as some people within the spiritual community tend to reference spirit by, you must train your mind to be able to position your thought process in such a way as you jump from each role inside your mind.
You review an important experience, such as the one I am having today, by respecting what you are feeling within the position you are in. Then pretend you are your own wise parent (this does not necessarily mean to take on the role of your parents when they address you), and ask yourself questions pertaining to your perception, as well as, any familiarity you can discern within patterns in your behavior. What situation starts your engine? What’s the reason it does? How long has this result been familiar to you? Are you afraid? What are you truly afraid of? This fear was introduced. Who introduced it? Does it still apply today? Does believing this help you or hinder you?
Asking yourself these types of questions gives you an opportunity to see yourself as an innocent student of life, and an accountable teacher who must learn to grow. Unless you prefer to be a fish inside a fish bowl. Seeing and doing the same things over and over again on repeat. You could do that too I suppose. I know if I let my teenager ego and adult ego sustain frustration, desperation, and a sense of lack within me, I most certainly would be cozying myself up inside my wee little bowl. Pretending to be Dora from Disney’s Finding Nemo, just to get some form of newness to my movements.
I recognize that not all individuals have the ability to jump into the ego stages, spirit self, and God creation roles. If you are someone who has a challenge maintaining an internal dialogue, ask a trusted friend to work with you by asking these same open ended questions to you that I had mentioned. Recognize, accountability can be brutal. At the same time, you build trust in yourself. I am learning to do just that.
With that, I am taking a wee time to converse with my universe to discover information which can assist me. I do plan on writing about a lovely soul named Chris Martin. I know Clairity is encouraging me to receive the answers to some questions I had in my mind about him. Writing to you about what Clairity explained to me in regards to the band Coldplay, (the band’s frontman in particular) can help give further insight into the way a person doesn’t see you. They see what you represent to them. Mr. Chris Martin represents a powerful message for me.
It’s kinda cool and liberating to a degree. People are walking symbols. Chris’s symbol shines brightest for me at this time.
LivWithClairity 