(Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I became pregnant with Laura, my youngest daughter, when Liv, my eldest daughter, was four months old. Although Laura wasn’t planned, she was a highly welcomed soul into my world. I was pregnant for eighteen months out of a twenty-four month’s span. I loved every minute of it, more or less. Laura and I had the unpleasant experience of gut wrenching, morning, noon, and night sickness. Fun times
“Clair, do you remember what your father said to you when you told him you were pregnant with Laura?”
My father said, “bloody hell Clair. He can’t keep off of you long enough to breathe. Close your legs for a while”, or something to that effect.
“Correct. Your father showed judgment when it came to your choice in intimacy. Your father expressed disinterest in your emotions at that time as well. Your father disrespected your husband for his expression of love towards you, as well as your’s and Albert’s choices in lifestyle. Your father did this in those few words alone. Can you recognize the patterns being fed here? Judging your intimacy reinforced that you were only with a man for sex. This triggered your nine year old little girl inside. Your father’s statements towards you strengthened your fear of men without realizing it.
Further to this, when your father had disregarded your emotional state by crushing your excitement, you had reinforced that silence is best. Your emotions were uncalled for an dramatic. You instilled a belief that your thoughts and emotions were unimportant. You then continued to prove to yourself through your partners that your voice and emotional state were to be ignored. You accepted this as your reality because you learned to accept this behavior from men. Your mum taught you that it was acceptable to be ignored and considered only a priority if you bellyached enough. You placed yourself on the bottom of your own life’s priority list. You have been fighting with yourself to climb your own priority list ever since.”
My mum didn’t accept the way my dad disregarded what was important to her. How is it that I learned to accept second rate attention from loving partners if I witness my mum’s misery often?
“Your mother stayed with your father regardless of her mental and emotional torment. She loves your dad in her way. They love each other in their own way. Your mum stayed with your father. Therefore your mother accepted that being placed lower on your father’s priority list was acceptable and to be expected. Staying and bellyaching is still accepting that bellyaching is a normal expectation in marriage”.
Oh, yes. I can see that being the case.
“Clair, your expectations for mediocrity in a loving union caused a significant decline in your sexuality and sensual pleasure in your life.
Intercourse with Albert was healthy in the beginning. The healthy sexual energy between you both then deteriorated to a few days a month. Towards the end of your marriage, you both became roommates that said hi to each other when you were able.
With your second husband, Bill, the same cycle occurred at an increased rate. You and Bill were intimate once or twice a month for many years. Close to a decade in fact. Your libido and Bill’s libido were not in sync. In addition to the eleven year age gap between you both, Bill had also been living with an undiagnosed mental health challenge identified as being borderline personality disorder. Neither you nor Bill had full awareness of this fact.
Oftentimes there are issues surrounding communication and intimacy for an individual suffering with this disorder. Rather than discuss these issues which were obvious to you whilst in your marriage to Bill, you took on an unhealthy assumption. You assumed Bill’s disinterest in intercourse with you was because you were undesirable in his eyes. You held that unwarranted belief and pain in secret for many years. You accepted this fate for quite some time. This sad acceptance followed you into your unhealthy union with Rosie.
With Rosie you were sexually active with him regularly when together. You attracted Rosie to hurt you. Rosie took over your sexual trauma and helped to reinforce its strength by way of his perception and ego addiction to seek out other lovers whilst with you; as well as when he chose to sexually assault you on the military based back in 2018. You also used Rosie’s ego to be sexually aggressive towards you rather than soft and kind. This was because you expected men to hurt you in this way. Rosie, through his ego conditioning, obliged your unhealthy beliefs and expectations when it came to sexual intimacy.
You were afraid of men. Men hurt you only wanted sexual favors from you. You took on an acceptance that your role was to work, clean, take care of the kids, and be ready for sex when your partner was interested. Since you came to expect this role, you then had to attract a person who could play that role for you. Rosie’s pain when it comes to love and women fit perfectly with your views on the way you were to be treated.
You were punishing yourself through your union with Rosie, for your actions as a soldier in a previous life. You held onto the vibration of guilt. This guilt was deep within your psyche and had followed you into this lifetime. You became a victim of sexual violence to honor your own victims from your lifetime as a solider. You chose to see from your own victims’ perspective. You held victim and perpetrator energy when it came to honoring love for many lifetimes. Rosie is the soldier that you yourself once played in that previous lifetime.
In addition, you held guilt for your choices in actions to be with a man that hurt another person to be with you. You held guilt for your dad’s pain and Gemma’s pain. In your mind, you betrayed them both. You hurt your dad because you stayed with Bill. You hurt Gemma because you stayed with Rosie. Therefore, you had to prove the price you paid for their pain was worth it. You stayed because you felt you had to make your choice work. Otherwise the pain you had inflicted on Gemma and your dad would be unbearable for you to process.
You held onto and layered guilt over many lifetimes, including this one. You held onto the pain of guilt from your past life as a soldier so tightly that you attracted Rosie, the soldier, to play an old version of yourself, who was also a soldier. It was for this reason, he felt familiar to you. You have known Rosie’s energy for lifetimes. Can you see this?”.
Wow, mind-blowing. Yes. I can see how that makes sense.
Clairity then went on to say, “you rejected intimacy by attracting men who would not be able to see your mind and who agreed with your own perception of you. Without them nor you realizing it. The only differences between all of you were the uniquely creative free will choices of expression of each of your souls and egos involved. You, your father, both husbands, and Rosie, had rejected intimate love. All of you simply expressed fear in different ways through free will choices.
You had chosen empathy and people pleasing over healthy boundaries. Whilst your dad and intimate partners had chosen to suppress their empathy in order to detach from their emotions. There have been no male role models in your life who had the ability to remain emotionally aware. You attracted people who were challenged with emotional intelligence because you believed you were not worth taking the time to know or understand. You believed no one would truly want to know your mind. Therefore you attracted partners who were unequipped to truly see you and choose to enter your mind. Your little girl inside had to prove your experiences with your father were true of all men.
Finally, through your father’s choice words and intentional messaging, you reinforced you had a lack of intelligence because you were making irrational decisions. The message your father gave your inner teenager was, you were naive and uneducated with respect to the outside world. This message was what helped to feed this fictitious insecurity within you. This message then assisted in you attracting Bill, who doubted your abilities to be highly successful, and Rosie, who told you to wear a helmet when making decisions. Can you see the hidden pattern and belief you were reinforcing to yourself?”
Oh my goodness, yes I do.
“Excellent. Remember to recognize that their choices and actions towards you were closely linked to their own internal messages. They may have carried the title of Dad, husband, and Rosie. Like you, they all have internal ego stages. They, like you, are carrying the energy of all their ages through ego evolution. Remember the Sphinx’s riddle. It applies to all in creation.
All souls came into your life to help you see what you were saying to yourself. When you ignore painful and unloving messages you are giving to yourself, the universe assists you in the creation of external stimulation to help you see what you are creating. You create from your mind. You must see your mind clearly to create consciously. With that in mind, external stimuli assist with this process. You in turn are reflecting messages to the inner ego states of your father, past husbands, Rosie, and all people you have come into contact with and with whom you have yet to meet.
It is for this reason you trigger people and people trigger you. The trigger is an internal signal for an external message you are giving to yourself subconsciously. Each message may sound different and look different. The consistency is noticeable as you continue to see past what you see. You know this. This reminder is to keep the flow of forgiveness flourishing.
Now that you can identify the patterns, you can continue to talk to the younger version of yourself who received the experience which developed these fears. You can be her parent by highlighting what you have come to learn. You must do this process every time you make a patterned connection. Otherwise, your previous version’s energy frequency will fight with your current self to create experiences which cultivate questionable doubt in your character. By continuing to identify your ego, you remain in integrity. Whilst equally reinforcing your own unique perception and intelligence”.
“Clairity, I didn’t attract my dad. My dad helped to create me. How does that work exactly?”, I asked. Clairity’s response was enlightening to say the least.
“You contracted to play the role of daughter for your father and your father contracted to play the role of your dad before your physical vessel was ready. There are several factors involved in this harmonious selection. Soul families share familiars in earthly form.
Every soul has infinite energy to create with. Creation is designed through polarities which require a spectrum of light and dark energy. Lighter and denser, (faster or slower), energy is manipulated with your mind and your ability to maintain balance between your feminine and masculine forces, which are your intellect and your emotional state. You, like your father, identify with an ego to assist in the balance of creation.
The role for universal laws is in constant effect to maintain balance in all of creation. Adjustments are made to maintain this balance. These adjustments are considered to be fated events. Adjustments nourish creation’s infinite ego states. You have an infinite amount of ego state reflections, as does your father. Therefore, a reflection of your ego and soul within a particular level of evolution, and a reflection of your father’s ego and soul in a particular level of evolution, were a harmonious match. You chose the ego state of evolution your father existed in and that best suited your soul’s mission for this lifetime. Therefore you guided your father who was in the ideal ego state, from spirit, before your vessel was ready.
You were the soul who had whispered “Clair” to your father when intoxicated in the taxi, en route to the hospital. You inspired your father to be inspired by the song “oh Clair” that had played on the car radio. You designed your life this way because you have a beautiful sense of irony and humor. You often lovingly joked in this lifetime that you were named Clair because intuitive labels begin with the name Clair. Clairaudience, clairvoyance, and clair cognizant, etc. You know you have these abilities . You joked of the coincidence. You are quite humorous and ironic at times”.
Well holy shit! Would you look at that! Okay, I accept this truth and release my dad’s energy with love.
“Speaking of choices Clair, remember what had occurred the day you assisted Laura into the world”, Clairity instructed.
Clairity is urging me to write about my experiences with medical personnel. I know I am procrastinating on this one. My ego doesn’t want to face some loving and painful truths. With that said, seeing Laura breathe and come off of life support is a memory I cherish.
On the other scale; being told I was dramatic whilst pushing out a human being, still gives me a nasty little twinge inside of me, twenty-eight years later . Damn that day was brutal. I am eternally grateful for how strong my beautiful baby decided to be. Otherwise she wouldn’t be here today.
Doctors scare me. I know I have to do this. I have to rebuild my trust in myself when it comes to trusting others. Including medical staff.
LivWithClairity 