Category: Toxic Love Story

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Read this at your discretion. 18+)

As Rosie and I approached the nature trail in the car, we talked about his life. I asked him how his children were doing. He said they were doing reasonably well considering the circumstances. Rosie mentioned that they missed me, and that there were still some issues surrounding their mother. I then inquired about the wellbeing of his mum. He acknowledged her overall wellbeing, then proceeded to tell me about the new house he was in the process of buying. 

Rosie didn’t tell me his mother was a co-investor in the house alongside him at that stage of our reconciliation. He simply mentioned that the house was big enough for his mum to live there too. Since Rosie and I had talked briefly from time to time about us living together, and that I too welcomed his mother in a granny suite of some kind, I naively ignored the wisdom to ask him to give further details. I was genuinely happy for him. I was a wee bit naive still. Oh how we learn in hindsight .

As mentioned in a previous blog entries, I asked Rosie an important question when we first sat down on the bench by the stream. Pleasantries were over by this point, so I got straight down to the reason I allowed him near me. I asked him, “what have you learned about yourself since we have been apart?”.

“I know I fucked up. I don’t really know why”, he responded.

My ego was front and center. I was not sitting in a spiritual guru state whatsoever. I said, “you lied to me. You made me doubt God. You made me doubt my intuition. You were lying the entire time Rosie”.

“Not the entire time. I do love you. I wasn’t seeing you before. I’ve watched some of your videos. I came to understand that a true apology isn’t simply to acknowledge an action. A true apology requires an understanding of what caused the action, how the other person would feel, and then make a commitment to course correct the behavior”, Rosie explained.

Rosie was taking notes in my absence. Not only was my ego in full bloom, she was standing at full attention after hearing those ego boosting words coming out of Rosie’s mouth. Oh, a man finally sees my intelligence!, ego stroked. I thought to myself, “keep going Rosie. What else have you come to learn from my insightful messages?”.

(Ego, down girl, down). Eww wee, it’s important to remain humble. Check, check, double check. Lesson learned.

Rosie went on with his further love bombing. “I wasn’t paying enough attention to you. I was focused on so many different things. You told me you would love to see the fall leaves. I didn’t take you to see them. You enjoy affection. I wasn’t affectionate towards you very often”, Rosie explained through distorted sense of accountability.

I say, distorted lens because I can see the manipulation today. First, Rosie rushed through, if not skipped over details about his extra affairs on the side. He swiftly moved into what he learned from me through my videos. He was guiding my ego. Rosie is an intelligent man indeed. Next, Rosie highlighted my desires. Which means, he knew them all along. He chose to starve me of intimate bonding time and affection. Since our toxic relationship was at a breaking point, and the fact that Rosie had a reputation to uphold, he couldn’t predict what I would do with what I knew of him. In his mind, he was scared of me divulging all of the work I had done for him behind the scenes. Rosie also feared the possibility of anyone from his past work history finding out certain details of some of his, not so morally correct decision making. Rosie didn’t take the time to know me. He acted out of fear of others learning about him, including his ex Gemma.

Rosie feared I would retaliate like his ex, Gemma. He wasn’t willing to take that risk. I knew too much about him. What he was willing to do was to win me back at all costs. Then he would semi commit to me for as long as I remained oblivious to his true intentions. Since he knew he starved me of quality time, and quality affection my ego so desperately needed, he knew exactly how to say sorry to the little girl inside me.

Rosie continued his grand love bombing with, “I recognize I need to put in more effort. I know you are a priority. I recognize the fact that we need to communicate more. I am truly sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me? You are my best friend”.

“Rosie, it’s really good to hear you take accountability. There are deeper reasons for why you do what you do. You said you didn’t know why you had cheated. It’s best you figure that out. You have a pattern of it. You cheated on Gemma with me. You cheated on me. Did you cheat on your eldest son’s mother as well?”.

Rosie affirmed that he did cheat on his first baby’s mum as well. I then followed his confirmation with, “you gotta go back in your life and see from your younger self’s perspective. Understand what causes these impulses inside of you. Get to the root of your fear of commitment. Also, it would be wise to ask your mum some questions about your dad. You have missing pieces. You’re curious, yet you won’t ask her about any details?”

At that point other nature walkers approached. My legs also needed a stretch. We had decided that it was our cue to get up and start walking back to the car.

“I know I should talk with my mom about it. I wonder how I came to be. Why I don’t have siblings, and why I don’t have a dad. It’s a bit of a challenge to talk with my mom about it. Perhaps conceiving me was hard for her?”, Rosie explained.

“Well, you would know a hell of a lot more about yourself if you do. I can imagine it would be challenging to talk with her about it though”.

I responded lovingly. I had a mum who was difficult to talk to. I could empathize.

“I’ll talk about it more with my therapist”, Rosie offered up as a quick way to end that topic.

I acknowledged and said, “good plan. That would probably be good for you”.

With that, we were back in his car, headed towards Liv’s place. As we drove the twenty minutes or so drive, my heart softened up to Rosie. Rosie knew how to pull on my heartstrings. I also knew how to give him the strings to hold in the bloody first place. Accountability for all must be had. I do acknowledge my naive gesture when I handed Rosie my heart and my mind blindly.

On the drive back, I thought about Rosie as a child; being abandoned by his dad and having a mum who worked three jobs to make ends meet. I quickly thought about my dad and the fact that parental abandonment can look like both parents are home. Sometimes having a body with no sincere loving interaction is abandonment. That’s the style of abandonment that I carried. What I empathized with Rosie in his car about was the fact that he was carrying a fear of abandonment which then fed his fear of commitment. I had feared abandonment so I clung to ignorance. Same fear with a different end.

Empathy can be a weapon for yourself sometimes. I was no different when it came to weaponizing empathy against myself. I empathized with a person to the point of feeling guilty if I pressed them further with the pain I had felt by their actions. Empathy is my go to skill. Today, I utilize empathy in a much more discerning way. Thanks to Clairity’s helpful guidance.

Rather than observe Rosie closely, like Clairity had advised, my ego was directly focused on understanding his psyche from a victim’s perspective. I was continuing to see Rosie as a victim of his self-created circumstances.

If you recall in the last entry, Clairity whispered, “see, past what you see.” What Clairity was referring to was for me to look beyond my physical eyes. See the energy was instructed. Clairity advised me to see the intentions ruling his actions. They wanted me to see myself and to see the bigger picture. Observe, rather than react. I missed that part of Clairity’s class that day it seems.

As we were about to turn onto the street Liv lived on, Rosie said, “it was really nice to see you. I miss you. Thank you so much for agreeing to see me. It means a lot to me”.

With my heart turning to mush after him saying that, I replied, “are you planning to drive back to Montreal today?, or, are you staying at a hotel?”.

Rosie was quick to respond. “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. All I knew was I needed to see you. The kids are with their mom. I just got in my car and came. I don’t have any solid plan.  The only plan I have is to stop in and see Dante for a quick visit before heading home”.

Dante is Rosie’s eldest son with a different mother. He lived in a small border town in New Brunswick, closer to Quebec, about a two and a half hours drive from Fredericton.

“I would hate for you to have to drive all the way back now. That’s too much driving, even for you. I tell ya what, how about you get a hotel room. We can play a game of dominos tonight as a last hurrah. We’ll chill and say our goodbyes. You could also spend more time with Dante tomorrow, rather than feel rushed seeing him tonight. Do you want to do that? No sex. Just talk and a friendly game of dominos?”

I had truly only intended to have a game and a gentleman’s talk. Sex was off the table.

“Yeah, I would like that”, Rosie responded with a friendly smile and equally soft energy.

When I arrived back at Liv’s, I told her the plan. I said, “Liv, I’m going to stay the night at a hotel with Rosie. We are going to play dominos and talk some more. He is headed back to Montreal in the morning. Rosie will drop me back off here later tonight, or first thing in the morning”.

“Okay mum, if you’re sure.”

With that, I packed a change of clothes just in case we would have a drink. I would rather spend the night in the same room with Rosie than get into a car with him after drinking. I was also focused on his painful life. My pain was placed aside. My heart was aching for him, and for me. My needy people pleasing ego had the reigns. I chose to end our relationship amicably.

That night, if my memory serves me correctly, Rosie had acquired a room in the hotel across the street from the hotel he and I had last stayed at in Fredericton. It was the same hotel where I found out about Rosie’s romantic getaway trip with Gemma to Mexico. I had a flash image pop up in my mind as we passed by that hotel. The hotel stands there innocently as its symbology now attacks my mind. My association with that hotel, and the motel beside the highway, ignites a small trigger within me. It is a challenge for me to see that hotel with fondness. When I see that hotel today, it acts as a little reminder. It doesn’t help that my second husband asked me to marry him inside that hotel’s restaurant back in 2003 either. Fredericton is a small world.

It may sound strange when I say, finding out about Mexico with Gemma devastated me more than when I had found out he had cheated on me. I dreamt of a romantic holiday with my loving partner for so long by then. Decades even. I didn’t have a real honeymoon. Any trip I went on with either of my ex-husbands had been tarnished with a memory of their callous behavior. Today, a genuine loving, adventurous, and equally relaxing holiday with my special person is most imperative for my mental and emotional health.

I can cut a man off for cheating and remain healthier in mind much easier than I can forget and heal from that trip to Mexico. It still hurts me today. The remainder of that healing will occur when I replace this memory with an empowered one. This replacement memory would be a honeymoon with my true love. In fact, genuine true love and adventure with my person is my ultimate and true wish fulfillment.

Adventure for me could be as simple as exploring our own back yard. Earthly pleasures outside of that are a bonus for me. Rosie knew that about me all too well. I am simple that way. It takes very little for me to be satisfied. As long as there is sincere effort, I am happy.

We all have sensitive topics which create triggers. You are designed to metaphorically sit alone inside of yourself, whilst viewing a lifelike 3D screen within your mind. You are the projector projecting an image you subconsciously choose to watch. With the exception of your higher self, ancestors, and God consciousness, there is no one with you inside the dark theater. You are in your own private space. Watching your own private movie that you design, then produce, and direct. Everyone else you come into contact with are the actors in your personal movie. They have designated roles to play. The role each person plays is determined by your direction. Your direction is determined by your perception. You choose the way your scene plays out, and with which actor you wish to interact with.

Another person views their reality the same way. It doesn’t matter who the other person is. You, as an example, may be an innocent person, and yet, experience nasty judgments and projections. When this happens, a person isn’t seeing you. They are seeing their pain through you, just like the way I had viewed the innocent hotel as painful. Interactions which involve painful projections can create a trigger which results in a person experiencing a past event inside their mind, whilst you would be in the present. When you get triggered by a person’s unwarranted actions towards you, subconsciously you also jump into your past and react from there. It’s the way our egos play with one another.

Your ego keeps you in the past and future. Your spirit keeps you in the present. When you are triggered, even innocently by someone, you are not seeing the present. You see your pain and experiencing the past all over again in the moment of the trigger. The length of time you stay in your past hurt is determined by the length of time you choose to ruminate over your encounter.

It is for this reason, it is vitally important for you to be fully aware of yourself. When you are fully aware and can fully accept yourself, you gain the wisdom to know when you are being a symbol for someone, and when they are acting as a symbolic message for better your understanding. When you can do that, you can see past the surface. You would be better equipped internally to accept and actively practice the saying, “never judge a book by its cover”. Acceptance gives you authority to stay or to walk away.

You gain the ability to release pain associated with painful projections gently, naturally, and over the remainder of your current incarnation. With each healed level you attain, further insight is provided concerning previous painful events. Even when you think you have fully healed, it is likely you haven’t completely healed. There are many layers of healing and many layers to your psyche.

Everyone holds deep scars. Deep scars require deeper levels of understanding. This can take years of revelations to fully release yourself from the trauma. In addition, there is some healing which requires another soul’s assistance. By nature, we are considered a socially responsive collective. True acceptance of who you genuinely are at a healed level is the ultimate medicine to complete your shadow work.

The reason you meet your true divine person at a healed level is because shadow work gives birth to healthy boundaries and a much higher level of discernment. With awareness you see patterns you had not noticed before. When you can see patterns within a conscious collective environment, you can remain relatively neutral when it comes to people’s choices in behavior. You are less likely to react from an oppressed subconscious belief, or at least, not as often, when you are at this level of healed awareness.  Instead, you would react with a higher level of understanding and acceptance. Then your would proceed to position yourself accordingly.

The hotel, and symbolism for me is an excellent example of how something innocent can be portrayed as evil. The hotel is a hotel. Nothing more nor less than that. I know that intellectually. Emotionally, the hotel symbolizes devastation and painful heartache. The pain I currently have overrides the logic behind the projection I send towards the hotel. My perception is outside of the hotel’s and associates’ control. My perception is within me to alchemize. I’m getting there slowly and surely in time.

Rosie brought vodka and lemonade for himself, and a coconut rum drink for me that night. Rosie knew coconut rum was hard for me to resist. He was thoughtful to a degree. He thought to bring my favorite drink, Malibu rum. Normally Rosie would have only brought vodka for his personal liking. Malibu rum was a special treat for me. I was being treated that night.

I sat on the curved arm chair in the corner. Rosie was sitting on a dining room chair across from me at the table. Clairity popped in and whispered, “drink that slowly. Sip it. You have questions. Remember?”

With Clairity’s loving advice in mind, I sipped the Malibu like it was an 18 year Glenfiddich. Nice and slow. After a game or two of dominos, I began to crave a vape.

“I’m going to pop outside for a few minutes to vape and have a bit of smokie. My legs are restless. The smokie will help me get ready for sleep”, I explained.

“Okay. I’ll come with you.”

With that, Rosie and I had gone outside to have a smoke in a designated smoking area. It was after midnight at this point, so it was nice and quiet. Fredericton is a tiny city. Not much really goes on after 11 pm in the area of town where we were staying.

Whilst I was standing outside with a little joint in hand, Rosie got out a cigarette and joined me. “Yeah, I started smoking again”, he sheepishly said with the light of his lighter.

That was a red flag I chose to acknowledge silently. Rosie kept smoking quiet from me up until then. It seemed Rosie was still comfortable with him keeping secrets from me. I took a mental note of that and said, “no worries. It’s perfectly understandable with all the stress”.

Rosie only found out about my vaping addiction that day as well. Other than the fact that I offered up the information right away and he decided to hide it longer, who was I to judge?

After our smoke, Rosie and I went back inside with me not realizing spirit had a plan to get him to fess up about what he was still hiding from me. I knew I had channeled spirits from time to time in my past. Channeling a supposed angel was not on my bucket list of things to do. The evening, and following weeks’ events were just getting started.