Category: Love

(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Read at your discretion. 18+)

I made a bee line for the corner chair after we entered the hotel room from mine and Rosie’s smoke session. Clairity had made her presence more acutely known within my awareness by this stage of the evening. Not in an overbearing way. Clairity is fair and firm. If I were best to describe Clairity, I would describe her as being a firm, not stern, teacher.

Clairity’s energy is similar to a grade school teacher standing in the doorway of a classroom. They would smile at what they were seeing, and take notes through observation. Clairity commands attentive respect from the chattering students in the classroom with one small clearing of their throat. One slight movement forward into the room by Clairity and the student body would sit down at their desks, turn to face them respectfully with excitement to learn. I am one of her students. I am a perpetual student of life. I love to learn.

Clairity has an approach similar to that of my grade six school teacher, Mr. Beale. I had mentioned Mr. Beale a few blog entries back. Other than a school teacher, I’m not sure how else to describe the vibe I feel when I connect with Clairity. They are beautifully fair, firm, and always loving. My ego tends to be stubborn and rather more demanding. I question and think, “ya but…”, just like anyone else would. Sometimes Clairity gives me a nagging vibe by producing a strong message in a succession of threes in the run of a single day. Her prods to encourage me to speak are also relentless at times. So much so, my timid ego gets pushed aside so that Clairity can take over to speak through me. That night in the hotel room was one of those nights.

I’m not entirely sure when Clairity started to make herself known at the surface level that night. It may have been when Rosie commented on a tattoo I have on my left shoulder blade. He commented on it when he was following behind me down the stairwell of the hotel.

Both my daughters, along with two past acquaintances of mine had come together to buy me a tattooing session for my birthday in May of 2019. The tattoo is of two dragonflies flying around a full bloomed rose in the center. The tattoo is mostly black and white. Color, which represents my loved ones birth months, would be found on the tails of each of the dragonflies. The rose was inspired by my relationship with Rosie at the time of me getting the tattoo. The rose also symbolizes the glass encased rose that the raggedy old enchantress gives to the beast, in the Disney film, Beauty & The Beast. The rose represents love. I am the enchantress in disguise.

The dragonflies in my tattoo symbolize my children and the metamorphosis dragonflies go through from a water beetle into their magnificent flying beauty.  Dragonflies are my favorite insect. They are both gentle and fierce. Like the dragonfly, we move through the land of our emotions in the beginning. Water represents emotions. Then after we leave our earthly vessel, we fly in spirit to be able to look on as we witness our loved ones progression in beetle form. The rose itself reminds me to live with love not self hate. The dragonflies remind me that there is more to life and love than meets the eye.

Rosie under the impression that the rose represented him only, was being egotistical. He was admiring the rose in the center and said, “what about your tattoo? Doesn’t it mean anything? What are you going to do with that now?”

My response was simple, and truthful.

“I am going to continue to honor it. I am proud of my journey. I am an excellent alchemist. In fact, I plan to get it touched up with much more enriched dimension and form. I’d like the dragonfly wings and tails to pop out more. The white accents and colors are fading. My tattoo is going to pop.”

With that response, I turned around on the landing on the main floor of the hotel to face Rosie, and smiled an honest, proud, “yeah that’s it”, ear to ear, grin.

I knew what Rosie was secretly getting at. Him, along with his daughter Alyssa, had a bit of a chuckle when telling me the children’s mother had a tattoo across her lower back, reading Rosie’s real name in some form of written font. In Rosie’s mind, he had grouped me in with his ex, Gemma. Perhaps Rosie had grouped all women together? If you have a vagina, you came with chaos in Rosie’s world. Ironic; Rosie was the one who attracted and created drama. Whenever I bellyached about his lack of attentiveness towards me, Rosie would say “you were supposed to make my life easier”. He said that more than once.

I wasn’t looking at him when Rosie spoke, because I was the one leading us down the red bannister stairwell. I imagine he had a contemptuous smirk on his face when he posed those questions to me. I think Clairity may have been alerted by that point because of what his true intentions were at the time. It was either then or it was when Rosie had said “I started smoking again”. A red flag prompt was all that was required.

Truth may be painful. Clairity encourages me to see it every day. This day was no different. I was instructed to take a back seat. Clairity took the wheel.

“Rosie, I must ask you a question”.

Those words popped out of my mouth so incredibly fast, it was like verbal diarrhea. I thought to myself, alrighty then, I guess I am diving deeper into Rosie’s hidden undertakings. It was as if my statement towards Rosie came from me, and yet, didn’t, all at the same time.

Has that ever happened to you? Something just flows out of your mouth. Leaving you to wonder where the hell it came from? That used to happen to me often. Occasionally it still does. Today, I am more aware of energetic changes within me, as well as energy being transferred between me and another person outside of me.

“Sure. Anything”, Rosie said with trepidation, as he sat down with another drink in hand.

I think Rosie may have been on his second or third vodka and lemonade by that point. He didn’t drink as quickly or as much as he normally would have done. At this point I was floating in between my ego state and Clairity’s energy. Clairity then came to the forefront of my awareness. As if to gently put me aside and say “observe Clair. We’ve got this”.

With that, Clairity asked, “how many women have you been with since knowing me? How many have you had sex with and connected your energy with since knowing Clair?”

“Oh Clair, please understand. I was wrong. I was foolish. They weren’t important to me. Please forgive me”.

“How many women were there Rosie?”. Clairity was not about to back down.

A firm frequency came over me. I was the teacher. In my mind, my ego was sitting in the chair watching it all unfold from the corner of the room.

Rosie responded with his head down and his eyes looking up into mine. “There was Wendy and another woman”.

My ego wasn’t even allowed to pounce on the idea of it being Carla. Instead, Clairity asked one more question before another booming voice of authority came through me.

“Are you certain there were only two women?”

Rosie did his best to deflect the answer. “Clair please, can we just talk about how we can fix this?”.

A completely different energy came over me the moment those words had come out of Rosie’s mouth. The energy was neither mine nor was it that of Clairity’s.

I am unable to recall exactly what words came out of my mouth. I wasn’t in control, nor was it me who was speaking in the slightest. What I remember was the name Uriel, and the questions, “are you speaking the truth? Are you certain you wish to only speak of two?”. Those questions came from the formidable energy consuming the room, not from me at a conscious level. Not that I am aware of anyway.

The energy I sensed in the room felt incredibly strong. It was as if it took up the entire hotel room. I also felt like I was completely outside of myself. I felt a little floaty, if you will. The energy also felt masculine, and highly intellectual. The energy felt void of emotion. It was as if empathy was tossed out the window. Facts were all that were required. Quite the contrast to that of Clairity’s.

I know there was additional discussions between Rosie and Uriel before Rosie admitted to there being four women total, not including Gemma. I have honestly no idea exactly what was said during channeling. All I can say is my ego snapped out of that chair with metaphorical fists clenched the moment Rosie confessed to four different occasions, with four different women. As well as confessed to having a long standing affair with Wendy.

Wendy being one of the four women he was admitting to at that time. I wanted to punch Rosie’s handsome, ugly face, the moment I heard his words of four women, plus Gemma. I snapped out of the trance.

“Four?! Four?! Four fucking women? Are you fucking kidding me? Rosie stay away from me! You make me sick! I feel sick. I feel…”. I had no words. “Rosie, we could have been a powerhouse couple. We could have accomplished so much together”, I pleaded.

My knees went weak after that.  I couldn’t speak to him any further. I know he jumped on the power couple remark for a few minutes. My mind was lost in grief. I retreated inside myself. I had intended to leave right there and then but had no energy left in me to move. The channeling knocked the wind right out of my sails. I could hardly stand, let alone walk over an hour back to Liv’s place at one o’clock in the morning. I collapsed on the queen sized bed closest to the door and put myself into a fetal position, hugging a pillow.

Rosie came over to the bed I was on and which was closest to the doorway and then knelt down to softly whisper, “I love you Clair. I am so sorry. Please forgive me? Marry me?”.

I felt sick. Rosie was in such a desperate state in that moment that he had decided then was a good time to ask me to marry him. I sat up still hugging the pillow against my chest, forced myself to look at him and said, “No! I choose me! I choose me”.

After that slight burst of weak energy, I slumped back down into the bed and did my best to fight back every tear that was streaming down my cheecks.

I was beside myself. I had told Rosie to stay away from me. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep and then go back to Liv’s. Rosie respected my wishes and slept on the other queen sized bed, closest to the window. Neither one of us had spoken after that. The next day we drove ourselves back to Liv’s in silence. I felt defeated. I’m sure Rosie did too.

Rosie got out of his car as I was taking my bag out. He stood in front of his car. I then walked towards the side door of the house. I have no idea what had made me stop and turn around to face Rosie. I suspect it was the little girl in me who had felt rejected by love again. I said “Bye Rosie. Drive safe”. Then I walked up to him, gave him a hug and then backed away from him by a few feet.

“I love you”, slipped out of my mouth without forethought. Even if it did slip out, I truly felt a love for him back then. I meant what I had said. With that, Rosie got back into his car and drove away. I walked back into the house and closed the door behind me.

I was left wondering what the hell happened between Rosie, angelic forces?, and myself, the night before.  I was desperate to know the reason I would profess my love to a man who I knew was killing me inside. It made absolutely no sense to me back then. It makes perfect sense today. Back then, I was a confused hot mess.

My behavior and reaction at that time is a clear indication that I was still combating fear of rejection and experienced withdrawal from codependent addiction. Rosie knew I am a big softy with the ones I love. After hearing me say I love you, and he echoing the words back to me, Rosie must have driven away from me with an idea that I may still be open to his efforts. If he did think that, then he would most certainly have been correct.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I went from curiosity about the divine connection I experienced, to heart crushing sadness, and then to moving in with Rosie once again. Imagine that. Oh what a life.

My rabbit Jack presented me with two doors. One door read “Journey Through Learning”. The other door read, “Learn From Your Journey”. I chose the first door. Tough love was the way I had learned. Love from spirit that is.

With that, Jack had given me the key and I then ignorantly skipped my way through the doorway. Right down a deeper rabbit hole. Back to different places I had already visited a lifetime ago. I had traveled physically back to Montreal, spiritually to my parents house in Saint George, and was called to remember an excursion that I had with grandpa Joe. I could have gotten off of the wicked roller coaster. Instead I opted for round three! Mental illness had no bounds.