(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
“Rosie, come here for a moment please”. I yelled to Rosie from the bedroom. I was sitting on his bed whilst Rosie was at his computer in the living room area.
I don’t think I even looked up when I blurted my request out to Rosie. My eyes were glued to the words on Rosie’s tablet that read, “May 18, 2023. To Isabel: d’accord, ma cheri. From Rosie”.
Rosie had only come to get me on August 08, 2023. I left him the first week of April, 2023. Right after he locked me out for my legs, feet, and hands to cramp up in the cold weather by myself, and at night. Rosie decided that was good punishment for me. Even though I had dedicated eight years of my life to him by that point, punishing me was his go-to decision to express his disdain for my behavior. Rosie never hit me. He certainly made it clear to me when he was pissed though. He didn’t mind seeing me suffer. I think Rosie enjoyed seeing me suffer in the moment of the suffering. Rosie’s little child’s ego often sought revenge rather than mutual understanding.
Rosie reached out to me by text for the first time after our break up in April, 2023, in July, 2023. He was messaging me to tell me how much he had been missing me and that he was sorry for all his wrong doings. That’s only two months after his conversations with his “cheri”.
When I moved back in with Rosie, he spoke of a street called Marie. Rosie pointed it out as we drove through it the first time that August. He said he had a hard time seeing that street because it reminded him of me because my middle name is Marie.
I thought his sentiment was endearing and confusing. There was a Marie Claire clothing store right on the main road. Rosie had to drive past that store every day, and yet, this did not trigger a “I miss you” memory? I took a mental note of that discrepancy at the time. Instead I simply acknowledged Rosie with a smile and said “oh really?”.
How the heck is Rosie able to sleep at night knowing he was calling another innocent woman his love whilst also working relentlessly to get back on my good side?, on my birthday at that. The best compliment I had ever gotten from Rosie was, “hey sexy”. Be it in person or over text.
I didn’t like being called sexy to be honest. To me it simply reinforced that I was nothing more than a sex symbol who is desperate to please a man. I guess at that time the name fit, so I never bothered to correct Rosie.
Today, I would silently recognize the ego in a person who greets me with anything resembling, “hey there sexy”. With that said, back then, I was certainly feeling the pain when I read the words, “ma cheri” coming from Rosie. My little girl inside was crushed. My wiser woman’s ego was pissed.
Rosie didn’t respond to my request for him to come to me with words. He simply stopped what he was doing at his computer and came to stand in the doorframe of the bedroom and kitchenette.
“Yes. What’s up?”, Rosie asked with his eyes fixated on the tablet.
“Explain this to me please”, I said in a firm, do not bullshit me, kind of voice.
I know I can be intimidating when I am seriously pissed. My energy also screams so I know Rosie felt a very uncomfortable vibe coming from me.
“Explain what?”, he asked.
I motioned him to come to me with a wave of my hand. Rosie came and sat on the bed. I said whilst pointing at the tablet screen, “I found this. Explain it to me”.
Rosie took the tablet from me to see the screen. “Oh Clair. That was nothing. That meant nothing!”, he insisted.
I responded with, “on my birthday Rosie? That was only a little less than three months since you got me! You never called me Cheri. What the hell? You kept this quiet from me. Isabel is the one you were talking with in the bathroom. You were having an affair! I want to go back to Liv’s immediately. I didn’t sign up for this!”.
Rosie’s little child’s ego was at full attention experiencing abandonment all over again. He stood up, started pacing, then collapsed his legs slightly and placed his head on the doorframe. Rosie started pleading and crying harder than I was. Actually I wasn’t even crying. I was seeing red.
“Please Clair, don’t do this! We knew it was going to be hard. That’s in the past”, referring to his whirlwind affair with Isabel.
Rosie didn’t admit to how long he was with Isabel. Clairity informed me since being away from him permanently that he had been with Isabel a couple of months before I had found the condoms. They were text flirting, talking on the phone, and hooking up behind my back on the weekends. According to Clairity, they were at the point of having unprotected sex. Rosie wasn’t about to admit to that. He was too focused on manipulating my heartstrings.
“I thought we were having a fresh start? I know I am not at your level of expertise spiritually. I am trying. You know that, right?”
I stopped talking to Rosie at this point. I did briefly think about his efforts. Rosie was being more affectionate and soft when in my presence. He was also parenting differently, and I no longer had to write his correspondence to his government work, family services, his ex Gemma, or his legal team. Rosie wrote to them well. I only had to edit minor errors. I stroked my own ego by the idea that Rosie had put what I was teaching him into practice. My pride for Rosie was also pride for myself.
I could see Rosie’s new found behavior. I was still questioning whether or not he was empowering himself or if all he was doing was behaving. It was extremely difficult to tell at times. On this particular occasion though, it was highly apparent that Rosie was putting on some theatrics.
I let him have his victim moment. I was also recognizing I am a woman of my word. I did say we could have a fresh start. He had a valid point in my mind. I couldn’t argue his reasoning at the time.
I didn’t recognize it was Clairity guiding me to see the Messenger screen with Isabel. I didn’t connect the dot that Rosie was still hiding things from me and was more than satisfied keeping it that way. Since I am someone who tends to give people the benefit of the doubt, Clairity was making certain I saw the truth.
Even though I was being shown the truth, I still chose to give Rosie the benefit of the doubt. I chose to let Rosie manipulate me. With that, I retracted my words, “I want to go back to Liv’s”. I replaced them with, “you best be completely honest with me going forward. There better be no more surprises Rosie. As it stands right now, I will keep my word to give this reconciliation a proper go. I just need time to process this.”
With that, things calmed down and Rosie became extra attentive.
Over the coming days I was heavily thinking about the words “ma cheri”. I spoke with Liv about it. Liv explained to me that men will use whatever words they think a woman would want to hear. When I told Rosie what she explained, Rosie gleefully said, “yes, exactly. See, it meant nothing”.
Clairity also whispered, “he also changes loving names so that he can keep track of who is who without having to risk a real name slippage”.
Clairity made more sense to me. I kept my internal conversation with Clairity quiet. Instead I simply acknowledged the “meaningless” to it all by backing away from the topic altogether. “Ma cheri” stayed inside a locked vault inside my mind.
My mind then drifted to the many horrid birthdays I have had over the years. Rosie knew my birthdays were usually kinda shitty. Him knowing how sensitive I could be on my birthday made his text to his cheri all that more painful. As my mind wandered back to the text, Clairity reappeared in my awareness.
“Clair, you are triggered by your birthday. You begin to manifest a challenge on your birthday long before the event. You do it every year. What are you truly punishing yourself for?”.
Excellent question once again.
LivWithClairity 