(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I walked Kody everyday when I lived with Rosie and his family. He became my little friend. He was such an intelligent dog. Kody made it easy for me to walk him. I was able to successfully, with his help, train him to sit and wait at each crosswalk before crossing the street. Kody also understood two languages, english and french. It was also rare that I had to be firm with him to stop pulling me. Having Kody by my side was a gift from the divine. I spent more time with Kody than I did with the rest of the family, including Rosie.
Spirit knew I was going to need Kody’s companionship. I think that’s the reason my God granted my request for a well trained, four year old, intelligent, and gentle temperament dog. Oh you’re asking for Kody! Coming right up! Poof, there he was. My perfect little companion from spirit.
When we first acquired Kody, Rosie and I would walk him together. As time passed, Rosie was less inclined to come with Kody and I. I was okay with it. I enjoyed, and still do enjoy, my quiet time alone. It’s in my alone time when I hear Clairity the loudest. In my alone time at Rosie’s I was also focused on making educational videos, and maintaining a relatively clean house.
I did experience twinges of disappointment when Rosie declined my offer to join Kody and I for our walk n’ talks. I had mixed emotions of disappointment and “meh, I’m used to it”.
You ever get that? A twinge of disappointment mixed in with a nonchalant view of it? Those little twinges are the signals that grow into a full blown trigger. It is wise to capture them the moment it happens. Otherwise you would end up experiencing compounding emotional PTSD. This is not a clinical term that I am aware of when I refer to repeat emotional patterns as Compounded Emotional Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, C.E.PTSD. It is simply my way of explaining emotional pain that has been buried inside of you and I over a long period of time. A professional in mental health could probably identify this better than I can. Perhaps complex post traumatic stress disorder is the same thing? Perhaps the emotional is implied?
For me, C.E.PTSD is an emotionally charged experience which repeats itself enough to get to the point of uncontrollable and extreme reactions. When a person suffers with naturally placing the underlayers of emotions aside, they create a trigger to remind them of them. A trigger for someone suffering from emotional abandonment could be as simple as a no response to an invitation they presented to someone. It’s that simple, and that complex.
I was alone a lot throughout my fifty-one years. At first I was triggered by being left to my own devices. I felt a strong sense of rejection within me anytime someone chose to do something else whilst interacting with me, or chose to be with someone else after committing to some form of plan with me. This in turn fed my belief that I was a burden rather than a welcomed loved one.
I also reinforced resentment that I was holding towards people who used me for what I could do for them, rather than choose me to hang out with them because they liked me as a person. Over time, being left alone became my comfort zone. Believing people only used me allowed me to push people away. My cut off game is fierce. I have mastered the art of detachment. With that said, the more I pushed people away the lonelier I became. The lonelier I became, the more I attracted people who left me to my own devices. The more I was left to my own devices, the more resentment built up inside of me. Complex emotional post traumatic distress began to form fictitious and factual scenarios of abandonment inside my mind.
Resentment and abandonment are challenging cycles to break free from. That’s for certain. Many people suffer with a fear of rejection and therefore abandonment. I was one of those people until I realized I am my own best friend who is guided and loved by spiritual forces beyond my comprehension and current understanding.
When I wasn’t physically alone, I was with Rosie working at his car detailing business. I helped him clean fancy sports cars and luxury vehicles for his clients. At one point Rosie had gotten trained to become certified in car wrapping, in Ottawa, Ontario. Rosie, the kids and I, had all gone to Ottawa over a three day period to support him. The kids weren’t in school at the time so Rosie thought it would be a good idea for all of us to go with him.
I secretly knew Rosie didn’t know what to do for his kids over their summer break. He also knew I would take care of them for him. Rosie also felt his mum would be okay at home alone on the South shore of Montreal. I believe it was towards the end of June, or the beginning of July, 2024? I honestly can’t remember exactly when we went.
I remember when Rosie told his mum we were heading to Ottawa from Thursday to Sunday for Rosie’s professional training. Her response to him was, “what about me? I am supposed to go to the rec center on Friday. Oh nevermind, I will take a bus. Help me figure out the bus route and schedule”.
Rosie offered to set up an uber service for his mom for when we were to be away. She declined Rosie’s offer and was adamant about taking the bus. In my mind Rosie’s mum was being stubborn in order to stand for her principles. I can respect that. What I couldn’t respect was her manipulative tone and actions to create a sense of guilt in Rosie for not thinking of her. I could see, hear, and feel Rosie’s mum’s intentions clearly. She succeeded in turning Rosie’s positive news into a one woman drama show.
Rosie felt guilty. I suspected he would. What I observed in that moment was a little girl ego who feared rejection. Rosie’s mum then manipulated Rosie by making his potential winning moment into her victim moment.
“But what about me? Am I not important to you? Does no one think of me?”.
If that wasn’t what Rosie’s mom’s inner child was crying about, her energy was most certainly expressing this message within her words, facial expressions and body language to Rosie and myself.
As I have mentioned in my previous blog entries, Rosie kept his plate full. I too often pleaded with Rosie. Telling him he had no space in his life for me. I had empathy for Rosie’s mum. I understood her pain from perceived rejection and her need to stand on principle when it came to her feelings. As much as I had empathy for her, I still clearly recognized her ego. My mum was like that with me so it was easy for me to see Rosie’s mum’s true character.
I can empathize with my mum today because I walked the same loveless path that she did. All three of us; my mum, Rosie’s mum, and me, all suffered from a sense of rejection. None of us handled it well either. All three of us focused our worth on men who were unable to see us clearly.
It still pains me to know that I am less thought of in my mum’s mind even though I can empathize with some of her rejection in love. Just because you can understand someone and relate to their pain doesn’t make the pain caused by their actions any less painful. My mum was in a lot of emotional pain when it came to feeling rejected. She in turn projected her emotional pain onto me.
My mum used to complain that my dad rarely did things with her. When I wasn’t attentive enough to her needs, my mum would accuse me of being ungrateful. One memory my mum still holds me in a negative light for is a trip she took me on in September, 2012. It was shortly after my first separation from my second husband, Bill. My mum surprised me with a fourteen day Mediterranean cruise. I was excited to go. I trained my body for months leading up to our departure day. I was determined to go on every excursion without cramp getting in my way. I am truly grateful for that experience. I loved everything about the cruise and the places we went to. I have a dream to this day to go on a cruise with my person some day. Thanks to my mum’s gift of adventure.
My mum on the other hand, believes I was not in the least attentive to her on the cruise, nor was I grateful to her for taking me on the adventure with her. My mum felt I left her to her own devices more than I did things with her. My father was like that with my mum, so with me also being a smoker like my dad back then, my mum saw my dad in me, rather than me. She accused me of being ungrateful to her. She was being taken for granted by me in her eyes because my dad often took my mum for granted. My mum wasn’t seeing me. She was seeing all the experiences when she felt ignored, rejected, or abandoned by someone she cared for. I was her symbol of neglect whilst she was on her trip.
What my parents do not know is on one of my walks with Kody, Clairity explained what that trip with my mum was truly all about. My dad is six feet, three inches tall. They had center seats in economy class on a flight from Boston to Venice, Italy. My dad had poor knees. Mine and my mum’s cabin on the cruise ship was on one of the lowest decks. It was a small inside cabin with two double bed sized bunk beds against either wall across from one another.
My dad wasn’t comfortable with small confined spaces. It’s what they could afford. My mum wanted the trip. She was bored with her life and needed to get away. My mum didn’t feel confident nor comfortable enough with going by herself. My dad didn’t want to go so they thought of “surprising” me as if it was a “gift” for me all along. I may know this. I am still extremely grateful for the trip. I personally loved it.
On a different walk with my good friend Kody, I thought about the trip to Ottawa with Rosie and his children. Rosie was prideful and looking for reassurance when we were disagreeing on something.
Rosie was looking for reassurance for his efforts towards me. “Ottawa was fun wasn’t it? It was a nice mini vacation, right?”.
I said yes, when inside I thought, no.
Rosie was gone all day at his training. I enjoyed the day with his children. I took them to a couple of museums so that they could learn some cool things. At one point we were locked out of the car in downtown Ottawa whilst Rosie was a few townships over, closer to Kanata. Rosie had forgotten to give me the car key.
Ottawa had become increasingly rough over the years. Jean and Alyssa were scared of being down in the city center. They stuck to me like glue, thank goodness. There were intoxicated and drug addicted people wandering or sitting on the streets. There were used needles on the ground. People were arguing amongst each other. It was an extremely unkind place to be. In a way it felt like the kids and I went through a portal into hell.
The kids and I walked for blocks on end to find some resemblance of a park they could play at. We found one so they were kept occupied and found their childhood laughter again. Other than that, the kids and I went to the mall and ate at the food court. Rosie had to get a ride into Ottawa from one of his classmates. He arrived around 5:00 pm that evening. The kids and I were roaming the streets of Ottawa for almost eight hours with little money and no solid plan of what to do. Fun times.
In the evenings we went out to dinner. One night Rosie treated us to a lovely restaurant called The Mandarin. I enjoyed it. The kids loved it. Rosie enjoyed it as well as far as I could tell. The other days and nights in Ontario consisted of fast food or the food we had packed to take with us. The rest of the time there, I watched the kids swim in the hotel pool. We all slept together in the same hotel room at night. It was basically a supportive trip for Rosie, not a family oriented nor romantic trip in the least.
When Rosie clearly showed signs of needing reassurance that his bare minimum was enough for me, I knew he hadn’t changed. I started to see his inconsistencies and his ego. I could see them because I had set a firm boundary in place. I am worth far more than the bare minimum. In order to set a boundary, you must be willing to see the gaps. I was definitely starting to see the gaps in my perception.
I started on my silent exit strategy when I saw my kids for the first time after nine months, and Rosie’s mum made the day all about her. I wasn’t consciously aware of my inevitable exit. Rather, it was subtle clues on a breadcrumb trail which created enough of a meal to proclaim I was full from what was being fed to me.
One of those breadcrumbs was a new woman named Michelle. Rosie had another new friend to fess up about. First came Wendy. Then came Carla. Then it was Isabel. Next I am being informed by spirit that Rosie had his back up plan in place. Unsuspecting Michelle was on Rosie’s radar.
Jack was once again at my door with a key in hand. The door read “only ask questions you truly want to know the answer to”.
LivWithClairity 