(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
Alyssa, Rosie’s youngest child, was about to have a birthday exactly one month after mine. As the day approached, Rosie wasn’t certain of what to do for her. I offered a suggestion of a water balloon fight and a barbeque. Rosie liked the idea so that’s what we decided to do.
On the day of Alyssa’s birthday there were many guests. Most of them were adults and were considered to be like family. There were also several kids. I had met most, if not all the attendees during Christmas, 2022. When I first met them, everyone was cordial with me. With that said, I unintentionally butted heads with one of their long time, married into, family members.
A male, whom I shall call Eric, offered me some turkey from the Christmas party buffet. I had declined his offer. I said “just a salad for me please.”
To which Eric looked at his wife and said, “no meat for her. She is a vegetarian”.
When I heard what Eric said, I corrected him. “I am not a vegetarian. I just prefer a wonderful salad because I rarely have an opportunity to have a full salad like this. Usually it is just greens. My body is craving veg. Thank you though”.
It seems Eric didn’t take my correcting him too kindly. With that, when he and his wife arrived at Alyssa’s birthday in June, 2024, he gave me a look of disdain. Eric remembered that I am someone who is willing to correct the error of his ways. With that memory in the forefront of his awareness at that time, he decided to walk inside the house without saying a word. His wife smiled at me, then silently walked into the house behind him.
Rosie knew Eric and I had a misunderstanding. I told him about it later that night of the Christmas party. Unfortunately Rosie didn’t help to correct the situation. With that, the vibe during the Christmas party was strained. I hadn’t seen many of Rosie’s community circle since that particular Christmas party.
Rosie’s, cousin’s, live-in girlfriend, took it upon herself to bring and put up some gorgeous party decorations. I offered to assist, and did help with some. For the most part, the lovely guest desired to do the job. She did an amazing job. I complimented her creativity, to which she had acknowledged graciously.
I also appreciated Henry’s girlfriend doing most of the decorating work upstairs. My legs required rest after cleaning, organizing, and decorating the games room downstairs. The games room was situated in between Rosie’s room and the side staircase to outside, or the kitchen above. I thought it would be good for the kids to have a hang out spot away from the adults. My legs were talking to me a fair bit after that so the relief from decorating upstairs was welcomed.
At some moments I was sitting on a chair in the kitchen remaining quiet. I was observing the interactions between people and reading their energy. With the exception of Rosie’s cousin Henry, and his cousin’s girlfriend, no one interacted with me. I also had no idea who within the gathering spoke english fluently enough to understand me. Saying I felt awkward is an understatement.
I had met Henry several times before. Rosie’s cousin is like a brother to Rosie. I appreciated Henry because, he, like Rosie, spoke fluent english. What I was unaware of at the time was Rosie and Henry supported each other’s, behind the scenes, lifestyle. Meaning, Rosie’s cousin knew full well that Rosie was a player. I know that today. Thanks to Clairity.
“Talk more Clair. You need to interact”.
What Henry didn’t take into account was I did make an effort to talk with people. Everyone was polite to me and subtly ignored me at the same time. It is challenging for a person such as myself to be in the mix of inauthentic energy. The kind facial expressions of the attendees didn’t match the uncomfortable vibe I was feeling from them.
It takes very little effort on my part to read energy. I have been able to naturally do so most of my life. I could feel everyone’s vibe without them saying a word. Over the years, I have had to learn to redirect my focus off of people. Otherwise I would receive intimate details about their personal lives. Even though I can receive hidden information, it doesn’t make it morally correct to invade people’s privacy, nor is it my place to speak of their privacy. Rosie knew that about me. Unfortunately, and with the exception of Rosie’s children, and his cousin Henry, Rosie kept my ability secret from everyone he knew. Rosie kept me and my intuition hidden.
I suspect today, part of the reason Rosie kept my intuitive abilities private from his family was because his mum, and community, are God fearing. Most, if not all of them, are devoutly of service to their religious belief practices. My intuitive abilities could easily have been mistaken for dark intended purposes. Especially since I had declined going to church with Rosie and his family.
When I had first moved in with Rosie and his mum, I attended church on Sundays with them. Although I know very little about religion, I am extremely open minded. I embrace knowledge from others as it relates to their belief systems. There is so much more out there for me to learn. I would only be stunting my own growth if I closed the door to other people’s perceptions.
With that said, I stopped attending Rosie’s mum’s church because of the energy exuding off of the main “pastor?”. His energy and message was inauthentic. His energetic message was booming loud and clear with business ideas only. The vibe I read told me money and status was superior to his authentic spiritual support of his congregation. It was easy for me to detect this because the sermons were in french for the most part. Being ignorant to most french, I relied heavily on my intuitive sense. I listened to the vibration of the sermon, rather than the words.
I truly wished to respect Rosie’s mum by supporting her strong religious beliefs. With that said, I couldn’t support a congregational message that a particular church leader was offering. I explained this to Rosie. I suspect he did not explain this to his mum.
Due to my heightened awareness, I was overwhelmed by the amount of energy at Alyssa’s party. With that, I removed myself from where everyone was intermingling. The feeling of being pushed out energetically was challenging to say the least. With that, I went outside to sit with Rosie whilst he cooked on the barbeque.
I explained to Rosie that I wasn’t welcomed inside. I explained that Eric’s vibe was uncomfortable for me and no one had acknowledged my presence other than a cordial nod or smile. Within about five minutes of me being vulnerable with Rosie, he offered me a burger, then pacified me with, “nah, it’s not like that. Eric is like that with people. Everyone else likes you. Just ignore the people who are ignoring you”.
I accepted my food from Rosie and chose to remain quiet whilst I watched him go back inside the house to be with his guests.
Rosie’s response triggered a memory with my ex-husband, Bill. When it came to my intuition Bill would say, “I know you are doing something. I just don’t think you are doing what you think you are doing”.
As I sat there outside eating my food, whilst also feeling projections from others through the house windows, Rosie chose to socialize with everyone inside. I can certainly respect and accept his role to remain social with all the party guests. With that said, his timing to walk away from me was distasteful to say the least.
I felt utterly rejected by everyone, including him. I also understood that no one there, with the exception of Rosie, realized I am hyper sensitive to energy. I know things without knowing. Logically, I could understand their reasoning for being uncomfortable in my presence. I was new to them just as they were new to me. Emotionally, and psychically, I felt unwelcomed in a home that was supposed to be considered my home. The vibe trumped my ability to sustain proper etiquette. With that, I had little internal issues with excusing myself from the party.
After I finished eating I went back inside. I stood around people for a few more minutes. With everyone chatting amongst each other in french and creole, I felt like I had little to contribute. With that, I made my way back downstairs to my cubby hole. Distancing myself helps me to regulate my own energy.
Rosie came down to see me. “Alyssa is going to have her cake now. Come upstairs for picture time and cake please”. With that, I went back upstairs, reluctantly.
There was a decorated armchair in the dining area of the house. When I came upstairs, I made my way back to a wooden dining room chair I had sat on earlier. Whilst I sat there, we all sang “Happy Birthday” to Alyssa. After she blew out her candles, Rosie, his children, and his mother posed for a picture. Rosie stood behind the chair. Both children stood on either side of the chair. Rosie’s mum sat in the middle of them, on the armchair itself.
Once the pictures were taken, Rosie motioned over to me. “Clair, come take a picture with us”.
I stood up to join them. As soon as I stood up, Rosie’s mum got up from the chair, with an irritated look on her face, and moved to a chair beside Henry, directly across on the other side of the room . Everyone noticed. The vibe and message was clear. Rosie’s mum was reaffirming her previous secret conversations about me with them. She did not like me nor did she want me there. She highlighted this fact by walking away when I was being included. With Rosie’s mum being highly respected in their community, as Rosie had highlighted to me in the past, I knew instantly what she was doing. It was also obvious by the look on Henry’s face. He was the one snapping the pictures.
I said nothing. Instead, I took a big soothing breath then assumed my position on the armchair. Henry snapped a couple more pictures. Once the uncomfortable situation ended, I smiled, said thank you, then went outside with the kids to help them with the water balloons. I never did see the pictures that were taken that day.
Once the kids were sorted out and playing in the backyard, Kody came over to me to tell me he needed to go for a walk. I was relieved by this. I needed a walk too. I had to decompress Rosie’s mum’s childish behavior. Whilst I walked with Kody, I kept thinking about one simple repeating truth my ego held onto, which was, “damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. Rosie’s mum definitely did not want me there. I am not welcome in my own supposed home. It’s just like living with my parents”.
I was so upset and embarrassed that I tuned Clairity out. I didn’t ask questions, nor was I interested in displaying empathy nor compassion. All I wanted to do was run away. I felt like nothing I did was good enough for them. Spiritually, I knew what was truly going on. My teenager ego was not willing to be spiritual. I had to let my defender inside me have her moment.
I thought about how people demand respect rather than command respect. I noticed, and still recognize, the older generation seem to be under the impression that they are to be respected simply because they went around the sun a few more times. This, to me, is a form of entitlement that I simply am not willing to entertain. Ask my mum. She’d tell ya.
In my world, until proven otherwise, a five year old deserves the same amount of respect as an eighty year old. With me, if you give respect, you receive respect. If you demand respect without reciprocation, you will receive the same effort from me in return. I am a metaphorical walking mirror. Rosie, Rosie’s mum, and my mum, had a difficult time with that realization. Most people do.
When I returned from my walk with Kody, I went straight downstairs. I gave Kody his usual, good boy treat, then made my way towards the bedroom. As I was taking those few steps, I could hear Rosie yelling at someone.
“You know better! How many times do I have to tell you! Why would you do that!?”
Rosie’s booming whisper yelling voice was intimidating for me. I was curious to know who he was yelling at. With that, I silently took a step into Rosie’s bedroom.
The doorway from the bedroom and the playroom was open. Through that doorway I could see Rosie bent over towards Jean, yelling at him within maybe a foot from his face. Rosie wore the same disgusted looking expression that he had with me on that fateful, theme park, driving day. Jean held the same dissociative gaze he had with me when I yelled at him for disrespecting me one time. Jean’s face was crying, whilst his eyes were vacant.
As I experienced the heavy, threatening energy, whilst witnessing Rosie and Jean’s interaction, I heard Clairity whisper, “do you still question if he is changing?”.
My response was, “I think he is behaving. Perhaps Gemma has been telling the truth all along. Rosie really is playing house”.
Clairity then said, “it is unfortunate when the truth is delivered through hostility. Hostility’s mask keeps the truth locked behind it. Rarely does a person listen to nor believe a person who is hostile”.
True, mental note I thought. I used to be more aggressive with my words towards my mum. I wouldn’t dare swear at her. With that said, I would say things like, “blaming me for your bad day again mum?”, and, “what the hell did I do?”.
I did say in front of my dad once, “mum you are such a bitch! You don’t hear a thing!”.
When my dad heard those words fly out of my mouth, he cuffed me upside the back of my head. My response to my dad was, “punch me in the face next time dad. I’m used to it!”
By that stage in my life my arse was flown into a wall, my nose bled all over my brother’s room, and a shovel was hit over my head, all perpetrated by my brother. My t-shirt was torn off of me by my brother in public and an ex boyfriend had given me a hairline fracture and broken thumb.
I called my mum a bitch because whilst we were fighting she said, “no wonder your brother hits you. You probably bloody asked for it!”
Fun times.
Later on in the night of Alyssa’s party, Rosie and I were in bed. That was when Clairity’s question to him slipped right out of my mouth.
“Did you talk with a woman behind my back sometime around my birthday?”
Allow me to introduce you to Michelle
LivWithClairity 