(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Mature subject matter. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I worked for a company called Yellow Pages in their graphics department from July, 1992, through to April, 1999. I then returned to work for them in July, 2000 until April, 2001.
Albert and I gave birth to two beautiful babies during my initial employment at Yellow Pages. My eldest, Olivia, was born on November 09, 1996. Laura, my youngest, was born on December 13, 1997.
In between maternity leaves, I advanced myself within the graphics design department at Yellow Pages. I was familiar with the different clerical jobs throughout the department, to the point where I had received a title for being a designated floater. Many jealous people had something to think and or say about me working their job at such a young age and with less years of service than them.
Yellow Pages created that role for me. No one else, as far as I know, had floated between the front entry clerks to the back end quality assurance like I did. I was the trailblazer for a newly created job opportunity for others, in a round about way. My colleagues didn’t quite see it that way. There was only one person named Janice, who truly accepted me for me. She still holds a special spot in my heart and mind. Her legacy lives on in me, let alone the countless others she more than likely inspired. Everyone else either didn’t care, or they cast sheer hate my way through their tremendously unkind thoughts towards me. They had opinions when it came to my work ethics alongside other not so friendly opinions.
Anytime an area became back logged, I helped to pick up the slack. The only area I was not qualified to assist in was with the artists themselves. I had familiarized myself with all things clerical. The wages that I had made back then were anywhere between twenty Canadian dollars an hour, to twenty-five Canadian dollars an hour. The wage depended on the job function I worked on that week. I can recognize an hourly wage is working inside a lack mindset. With that said, back in 1999, I had received a decent pay in my mind. I was able to pay my bills and still have money left over.
After a while of me working the evening shifts from 4:00 pm to midnight each day, and Albert working the day shift from 8:00 am until 5:00 pm each day, a strong rift between us developed. We were living like roommates, with two small children needing all our attention during the week. On the weekends we were doing our family duties. Including grocery shopping, and new clothing shopping for rapidly growing babies.
If you’re a parent, you know what responsibilities come with energetic babies. Fun times. Wouldn’t you agree? Said with a wink and a smile.
If we weren’t doing regular housekeeping duties, we were visiting Albert’s family. Sunday evenings I went out to play bingo. I had to stay on the night shift hours. I have never been one for watching tellie. Movies, yes. Mind numbing tellie for hours on end, not so much. I much prefer outdoor activities over indoor “veggie” states. Bingo it was; so when you put it all together, Albert and I were together one day a week, which was on saturdays. Our relationship had evolved into roommate status. It is for this reason that I cannot blame Albert for having an affair. I can blame him for dishonesty, not for his need for attention.
My boss at the time felt that if I wanted to continue growing in my career, I would be smart to leave Yellow Pages. My boss felt that I wasn’t living up to my fullest potential there. The ceiling for growth was too firm for me. There was no room for advancement. Todd, my then boss, felt I wouldn’t be doing myself any favors staying in a place where I wouldn’t be able to grow. I am grateful to this day for his forthright, honest insight.
With my mother offering me a position to work for her as a recruitment officer, I thought that could work. In my mind, moving to New Brunswick with work potential for both Albert and myself would have offered us a fresh start. Albert didn’t really like the idea. At the same time, Albert agreed that the way we lived wasn’t working for our marriage either. Albert agreed to the move with reluctance. I had convinced him that it was our best option. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it wasn’t.
After I quit my job at Yellow Pages in April, 1999, my father came to get me and our girls. He picked us up in his vehicle that pulled a U-Haul trailer attached to it. I fit as much of my stuff as I could fit. Along with our girls toys, movies, clothing, bedding, and baby needs. The plan was for Albert to keep working where he was at whilst looking for work over the internet, and to wait for the sale of our first home.
I left almost everything we had owned back at the house with Albert. Albert also opted to keep the Caravan whilst I was left with a small two-door sporty thing of a car for me and our girls. I didn’t mind. I figured we would have the van and everything sorted when he came to be with us. Life didn’t go according to plan.
I think Grandpa Joe knew what was in store for me next. He knew of Albert’s hidden plans. I believe that knowledge was what prompted Grandpa Joe to come visit me one night. He hadn’t visited me since before I moved in with Albert. Grandpa Joe’s intention was to alleviate some denser energy that I was carrying. He knew that if I kept holding onto it I would not have had the strength for what was going to happen next in my life. To me, seeing Grandpa Joe was a lovely surprise.
One night in May, 1999, just a few days into living in a new house my parents purchased for me to live in, my Grandpa Joe came to see me through a dream. In this dream, I was walking on asphalt, across a dimly lit, expansive, and empty parking lot. It was nighttime in my dream. I could see the wet glistening ground under each light post. That told me it must have rained at some point. As I continued to walk, I noticed two tall buildings in front of me. In between these buildings was a slender alleyway. The alleyway was also dimly lit. Two silhouettes appeared as I approached the alleyway. One large and one small. As they walked closer to me I could see that the bigger person was my Grandpa Joe. He was holding the hand of a small child.
Grandpa Joe greeted me in his usual soft, casual manner.
“Hi Clair”.
“Hi Grandpa Joe. Who’s this?”, I asked with keen curiosity.
I looked down at a small child, then I looked into my Grandpa Joe’s blue eyes in complete bewilderment. Grandpa Joe had never brought a child to me before then.
“Look again”, Grandpa Joe instructed, as he nodded his head downward, and towards his left. He was referring to the small child.
I looked back at the small child, only this time, I looked into the child’s eyes. I gasped in shock.
“That’s Olivia!” I exclaimed with excitement.
“Yes dear. She only waited another minute. Time isn’t the same here as it is there. There is a reason for everything. There is much to learn from your experience. Hating yourself isn’t one of them. Now close your eyes dear”.
I closed my eyes in my dream and then instantly woke up in my bed.
Albert and I had conceived Liv approximately two years after the first baby’s conception, almost to the day, and she was due around the same day as the first baby. Liv and the first baby would have had the same zodiac sign, if not birthday. Is this a coincidence?, or, do you think maybe, just maybe, that’s the one minute Grandpa Joe was referring to? Do you find that to be curious as much as I do?
I had responded to Clairity’s question after thinking about that dream.
I said “I understand that I am not being punished for my decision. I also understand that there is nothing I can really do to convince people there is no judgment in any direction, as it relates to choices concerning pregnancy and one’s personal autonomy. Grandpa Joe helped me to understand greatly. What’s the reason you are bringing this up now Clairity?”
“Your Grandpa Joe mentioned that there was more to learn from the experience. What was the true reason you agreed to terminate your pregnancy? What were you afraid of?”
Ouch, that question hurt. No one enjoys criticism. Even if it is constructive and extremely helpful. I thought about it. Then I truthfully responded. “I was afraid to be alone”.
Clairity continued, “yes. This is correct. When you had left your parents’ home, you had moved right in with Albert. You had no time to establish yourself. We have exposed you to different experts online, what have you come to learn about this fear of yours?”
I learned that I was in a codependent relationship. I was with him for all the wrong reasons.
“Correct again. Good job Clair. I know this is rough. Keep going.”
Clairity can be very supportive and extremely motivational at times. Her tenacious ways kick me in the arse too. I too must take some accountability. Like I have said, I am my own best friend. I used to be my own worst enemy. I love how my brain works today. I am quite unique.
After that wee little pep talk, Clairity went on to ask, “how did Albert ask you to marry him?”
Albert and I were going somewhere in his car. He was driving when he passed me a ring box. “Open it”, was Albert’a instructions whilst keeping his eyes on the road. I opened the black velvet box to find a cute little four leaf clover shaped diamond ring.
I wasn’t sure what kind of ring it was. I rarely wore jewelry then. I have no jewelry now. Consider me ignorant to that sort of thing.
I placed the ring on my right finger and said thank you to Albert. Albert responded with “why are you putting it on that finger?”
I said I didn’t know. I asked Albert to clarify. “Why wouldn’t I? Isn’t that what it is for?”
“No. It’s an engagement ring.”, he confirmed.
“You didn’t even ask me.” I retorted back.
“Well then, consider us engaged”, was Albert’s last remark.
With that, I said okay. Then placed the ring on my left ring finger. That was it. That was Albert’s well thought out proposal.
“What’s the reason you accepted such a weak gesture for an engagement?”, Clairity asked.
Wow Clairity can be brutal sometimes. When Albert asked me to marry him, it was the summer after my twentieth birthday. I was still in mental and emotional turmoil over the abortion a couple of months prior. All I received from Albert for my birthday was a card he bought from the hospital gift shop that read, “I’ll make it up to you.” The card wasn’t thoughtful enough to heal my broken heart.
I also didn’t want to live with my parents. I felt stuck and hopeful that Albert would love me the way I so desperately wanted to be loved. I was willing to make sacrifices just so that I wasn’t left alone. I had invested so much of myself into Albert by that point. I said yes to him on an imagined idea of a fabulous life with him. I said yes to an abortion out of fear of abandonment. I said yes to Albert’s weak proposal because by then, I formed a codependent addiction within me without realizing it. I used my imagination to convince myself I was doing the right thing.
“Correct again” Clairity whispered softly. “There are layers to you dear”.
Clairity continued. “There is another reason for your yes to Albert’s proposal. What was it?”
Now we are going deep. Okay, this rabbit hole was starting to really sting. I had to think hard about this one.
Well, not so much think, more, acknowledge and accept it within me. The other reason for saying yes was because in my mind, I was broken. My vagina had scars from him and someone else. I didn’t think anyone else would love me nor want me. I figured since Albert knew about my pain, I was accepted by him. That was enough for me. I chose to be with him because I didn’t believe I was beautiful. I didn’t believe I was someone anyone would love. I didn’t love myself and I was afraid to be alone.
“Truth” was Clairity’s next message. “What type of wedding did you have?, and was it your ideal ceremony?” were Clairity’s next loving prods.
I wanted a beautiful outdoor wedding with close friends and family. I was making bouquets out of fake flowers when Albert said he would prefer to elope. Again, just like when I had sacrificed my rights to my first pregnancy, I once again sacrificed my joy of a lovely outdoor wedding. Instead, we eloped in Niagra Falls with his best friend, and his girlfriend as our witnesses. I had hardly knew them. Albert’s friends were there for him. There was no one in attendance for me.
I wore a summer dress for my wedding gown. Albert wore a nice suite. We stood in a tiny office with a Justice of the Peace and said “I do”. That was it. None of my family attended. None of his family did either. Albert considered eloping in Niagra Falls as a twofer. A wedding and a honeymoon all in one place. We were there for three days total.
How does all of this relate to my dad?, I wondered. With that, Clairity offered up some insightful knowledge through her continued prodding. I came to realize a few things.
My dad worked all hours. Albert was extremely career and money driven. Career came first in Albert’s life. Our children and I were secondary. My mother, and my brother and I were secondary to my father’s career goals.
Remember, my mother moved with my father several times for his career growth. My mother sacrificed her career aspirations to support my dad’s vision for himself on more than one occasion.
My father was smart. Albert was intelligent. My father did what he had wanted to do and grumbled whenever he felt obligated to do things with my mum. Albert and I did things he wanted to do. We rarely did things solely because I wanted to.
I don’t remember my dad ever taking my mum out on dates. Albert didn’t take me out on dates either. Oh patterns are most definitely emerging. The breadcrumbs I was collecting were starting to make a snack sized treat.
Thank goodness for Grandpa Joe’s loving message to me about my daughter. I definitely needed it. I hold tightly to my grandpa Joe’s loving message about abortion this day. What came next was what Clairity wanted to discuss. Jack gave me another key. Clairity took me on a side quest to uncover more about my connection with the divine. How do they communicate with us?
LivWithClairity 