(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Reader discretion is advised 18+)
What is free will without choices? What are choices without comparison? What is a comparison without identification? What is an identification without learned experience? What is a decision without judgment? What is judgment without discernment? What is discernment without free will and polarities to develop yourself through your journey?
All are required and are highly influential in the development of your uniquely designed energetic coding which offers you the “I Am” experience. One cannot exist without the other. All encompass your gift of free will.
Free will is a beautifully orchestrated symphony of laws in motion to create a unique perception through identification and discernment. You create who you are through all these awareness levels within your mind. Through your free will you create energy in motion. Not a moment goes by when you are not asserting your free will. Not a moment goes by when your energy is no longer in motion. You are constantly in motion. Your mind and collection of energetic influences and universal laws determine the way your energy moves and vibrates.
The challenge is keeping this awareness in a balanced and unified state. That is easier said than done when your ego demands center stage. That’s what my ego was creating throughout my years; a demand for center stage in the eyes of someone who genuinely loves me.
For a person to feel loved they must first feel safe in good company. Clairity helped me understand that I was angry, (still am to a degree), because I felt I was not safe with my mum, nor my dad, nor my brother. Sometimes choosing to be silent when witnessing a known injustice kills a spirit faster than any hate speech. My dad’s and my brother’s silence when people were hurting me stung deep and I had no idea until Clairity helped me see the truth.
I expressed my anger externally at my mum because she fought back. My mum made it easier for me to release my pain. My father kept quiet with the exception of two occasions I am aware of. Like I wrote earlier, I was not privy to their pillow talk. I can only state what I have witnessed over the years, and explain what Clairity helped me to understand about myself and all those I love.
The first time my dad defended me towards my mum was when my mum and dad were fighting in the kitchen. My mum was accusing my dad of alcoholism. She wasn’t wrong in my perception. My dad liked his beer. They were also arguing over my dad’s procrastination in doing things with or for my mum that he promised he would do. My mum had a difficult time relying on my dad to do what he said he was going to do within a reasonable timeframe. My mum was correct. Unfortunately my mum had a wicked tongue when she was mad and had a tendency to blurt hurtful messages when someone didn’t agree with her. She also had a habit of triangulating us. Meaning, my mum would do her best to get at least one family member on her side.
My mum and I both had a developed ego who demanded center stage in their loved one’s mind once in a while. I can certainly emphasize her thought process and pain. What I had a difficult time with was her verbal brutality towards us when she was angry and her choice to pull me in between her and my dad.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room when my parents started arguing. I could hear them and see them clearly through the large open unwalled section between the living area and the conjoined kitchen-dining room area. My mum turned to face me and said “your father is a drunkard. I am leaving him. Are you moving in with me or are you going to live with your father?”
I was sixteen when this occurred. My response to my mum was “that’s not fair mum. I don’t want to have to pick sides”.
My mum then lashed back at me with “fine if you are not going to choose you can get the bloody hell out of this house”.
I got up from where I was seated at that point and started my huff n’ puff, stomping the foot, stride towards the front door. As I did, I addressed my dad by saying “see dad! Now do you believe me!? Mum always takes her anger out on me!!
As I turned to go up the stairs to my bedroom I overheard my dad say “Pat leave her out of this”.
The other time I remember my dad addressing my mum after her cruel words to me was when my mum, my dad, and their neighbors Steve and his wife, were all seated outside on our front stoop. I was standing down at the bottom of the driveway smoking a cigarette. Again, this was after I had received my driver’s license so I would have been around sixteen. My mum said something painfully mean to me loud enough for me and the other neighbors inside their house to hear.
“Clair you look like a bloody prostitute standing there like that. You look like you are about to sell yourself”.
My mum couldn’t have timed that any better. The reason I was out there deep in thought and smoking a stress ciggy was because earlier that day I called child protective services anonymously on a friend at the time. I had deep concerns over the welfare of her children. I was so torn up inside. I was reeling with guilt whilst equally hearing Clairity assure me that what I did what was healthiest at the time.
“Thanks for that mum”, was all I could say with my head still down in contemplation.
I think my dad was more embarrassed that my mum would say that in front of Steve and his wife than he was in protecting my character. My dad said “Pat, that’s enough”.
That was it. Those are the only times I can remember vividly. Perhaps he defended me other times? If he did, I am none the wiser.
The reason I didn’t vocalize my anger towards my dad was because my mum put the fear in us with “you just wait until your father gets home. He will deal with you!”.
My dad had a temper. His temper showed in his irritability and impatience. My dad wasn’t much of a deep communicator with me anyway so when he was angry with me his anger was obvious. My dad put me straight with his deep voice, stern glare, and loud, under no uncertain terms are you to disrespect me, do as you are told, voice. My dad’s temper scared me even though he only laid an angry hand on me once in my life. I already mentioned that in a previous blog entry. Since I knew my dad intimidated me, and I did in fact love and respect him dearly, (I saw him as a victim to my mother more than anything else), I didn’t express my anger towards my dad’s choice in my emotional and mental safety. Instead, I hoarded it and created a journey of anger towards men without realizing it.
I proved to myself through attracting Albert, Bill, and Rosie, that I cannot trust the integrity and virtue of a man. In my subconscious mind, men do not hold the courage to stand for what’s right unless they themselves are threatened. If I was threatened, I had to be my own man. This was the programming I was giving myself. This is what was true for me. Until Clairity calmed my ego back down into a receptive state of awareness.
“I am proud of you for identifying your anger. I am also proud of you for journaling through this virtual channel. We recognize it takes courage to write this.
You have come to recognize that all three of the men you attracted into your life either spoke ill on your name behind your back, or, they remained quiet which allowed others to have misguided information about you. This is true. With that said, remember, you have free will to choose the way you process these experiences. There are polarities within all experiences. You have the choice to focus your energy on the pain, or, you can choose to see the empowerment you have gained from them.
Recognize Clair that you let them speak ill of you. You allowed people to have misinformation or partial information. What is the reason for this?”
What people think of me is none of my business. What I think of me is my business. There is no need to educate someone who has already determined who you are for them. In addition, you are the company that you keep. The people they conversed with are their people, therefore, their people would be supportive of them. Regardless of my insistence on it being otherwise.
In other words, hate, accusations, insistence in being right, and correcting an audience which obviously isn’t yours, is a beautiful waste of your energy. Energy which is better spent quietly remaining consistent in who you are. Let your character speak for itself. Know your character so that when others talk, you can be amused rather than offended. The art of detachment is what I developed. I am very good at it. Some would consider me cold hearted in my expression of unconditional love this way. I am okay with that too.
“You see. You developed your character through meeting your teachers in love and personal relationships. This is honorable and also worth remembering. Now you hold two truths simultaneously. One is that there are people, regardless of title, who will hide behind a false perception of you, or, you can hold gratitude in knowing yourself well enough to see who your audience truly is. And that the only perception which drives your energy forward is your own. You decide which one feeds you. Both are true.
To feed your flourishing character and the truth in who you are, you must also recognize there are and have been authentic loving beings in your life who have always seen and stood for your true character.
To see that you are not surrounded by untrustworthy characters, you must purposely see those who shine trustworthiness when you are not looking”.
That’s easy. My children. My girls. My people. Although it pained me to know my daughters’ were placed in positions when they had to correct other family members of their judgments, my heart was also warm with knowing my girls wouldn’t be silent witnesses like my dad and their dad’s. My girls have courage. My girls have always accepted me, loved me, and supported all my decisions. Both the healthy ones and the painful ones. I trust that my girls do see my true character. I am safe to be me, as a mum, with them.
“Very good. You know your people. You also hold the frequency of gratitude for your children and all that they have done for you. Keep remembering, there are beautiful souls in this world who are not viewing you through a lens of pain. There are others like you who have similar qualities within their character. You are in a collective sweetheart. Your children are a part of your collective. There are others to come. Including an authentic and genuine man. Figuratively speaking, he is almost at your door. You have not experienced someone outside of your children who would help to keep you safe emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. You have had suitors. You have been trusting your internal signals when it has come to that. You have been able to quickly identify someone who is not for you. We shall expand on this awareness as your intuition is required for you to identify your person when he arrives.
What internal signals can you identify based upon your pattern recognition?”
Good question.
LivWithClairity 
Leave a comment