(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Reader discretion is advised 18+)
I thought long and hard about Clairity’s question “who are you truly angry with?”. I still am holding anger in many respects. This particular wound is very much present today. This particular wound requires more than my love to heal it completely. It takes a village to raise a child. I know this. I also know the reason for my anger. I recognized the pattern after Clairity helped me to identify the masculine roles in different areas of my life. Before Clairity guided me, I thought most of my anger was towards my mum.
My mum was outwardly expressive with her opinions of me on a semi regular basis which made it easy for me to identify my anger and lash back at her. I, like my mum, was vocal. If I perceived an injustice, regardless of who it’s with, I tended to vocalize the injustice. I would basically call people out. When I was a teenager and right up to my mid thirties, I was unaware of the power of tact and diplomacy. My mouth blurted out words faster than my brain thought of them. Diplomacy, empathy towards my mother, and knowing the ideal time and place to express myself was alien to me.
When my mother and I visited Istanbul during our Mediterranean cruise in 2012, one of our fellow cruisers had his wallet and cruise ID lifted from his lapel pocket. I saw it happen. Being the tall one in the group I kept mid way in between the tour guide and the last two lovely elderly people. They used me as a marker to follow because they were unable to keep up with the guide’s pace.
When I saw the blatant disrespect and theft I yelled “you just stole his ID! You are a thief! Give it back to him! I saw you do it!!” in the large square for anyone and everyone to hear. My mum whipped her head around in shock of what I had just yelled. She was further up with the faster group in our tour. She then came over to me and said “what are you doing!? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Are you trying to get attacked!?”
My instant response to my mum was “no mum I am trying to get people’s attention so that they can see the face of two scammers. That man over there”, I pointed my finger at the man with arm length extension, and “that man there”. I looked and motioned my head at the man who was standing off to the side.
“I don’t care what they do, they stole from this man! I saw it happen. Look, there on the ground. They dropped his ID and left”.
I went over to the wallet on the ground and handed it back to the elderly man. Then I looked at my mother and asked, “the man got his cruise ID back. Isn’t that a good thing?”
My mum responded, “not if it risks your safety. Keep quiet next time”.
Today I use my discernment to the best of my abilities before speaking or responding. I also identify the hidden layers of interactions I am having. Finally, I have learned to identify a deaf ear before speaking. My energy is valuable. Lesson most definitely learned. With that said, if an injustice is being presented to me, chances are, one of my ego stages is likely to take center stage and react. I am human. I can see this about myself.
Silence is a superpower when used appropriately. With that, Clairity helped me understand how easy it is to suppress anger whilst simultaneously expressing and redirecting anger.
“Clair, you and your mother made it easy for you both to mirror each other’s emotions. Your mum often directed her irritability, exhaustion, frustration, and upset she had towards your dad towards you. Reason being, you were a character who would fight back. Punching a loose balloon that flies off into the air after you hit it serves little relief. Hitting a punching bag that stands firm, dodges, or swings back, allows the burst of pent up energy to release like a hot kettle letting off steam. A perceived adversary is needed when a person is conflicted with the person they are truly upset with. They require someone to be the punching bag rather than the loose balloon. Otherwise their anger becomes unbearable to hold. Someone inevitably gets hurt.
In addition to that, your self expression was loud in comparison to your brother’s. Craig remained silent and often kept to himself reading a book. Craig escaped into books to get away from the tension in the house. Tension which was often created by you and your mother. Craig was able to steer clear of your mum’s eggshells. Your brother also stood back and witnessed you being beaten by multiple people at a time. He did not come to your aid. Your father was also silent when it came to the tension between you and your mother. Your male role models left you to fend for yourself.
Recall a few instances when your mum had attacked your character as it is important to identify your external anger first”.
I can think of a few instances when my mother’s words would cut me like a knife. She may have been physically a little person standing at 5’3″ tall by statistical standards. My mother was also fierce with her tongue at times. She could give anyone a good verbal whooping if called upon.
If you have been reading along on my journey you are likely aware of three painful messages my mum had given me on repeat. One being “take it out and drown it”. Two being “take a long walk off of a short pier”. The third being “I may have to love you but I don’t have to like you. I don’t like you right now. Get out of my sight”.
My mum had also said on more than one occasion “why do you insist on hurting us!?. Of course you don’t think of us. You are selfish”. My mum was referring to her and my dad I assumed. My mum also posted on a Facebook page discussing narcissistic behaviors and stated that I was a narcissist who is only getting worse with age. She explained in her written entry that hers and my dad’s life was more peaceful without me in it. That stung when I read that after a friend had shown it to me. Perhaps I am a narcissist? That’s up to you the reader to decide. I can’t control someone else’s perception of me.
I have no intention of hurting my parents, nor anyone else for that matter. My intentions are to uncover my truth and personal perception as it relates to the programming I subjected myself to. It just so happens that my parents, ex husbands, Rosie, and a few others I have mentioned, played roles in influencing my ego’s development.
The next layer to my intention is the hope that following my journey may inspire thoughts and pattern recognition within your life as well so that you can honor your life with love rather than pain.
The next layer would be that I welcome true love in. My world has room for a loving man. My Mr. Christy, my person, my love, is my wish fulfilment. I must uncover the truth in my perception of love when it comes to trusting a man. Writing my story here helps me accomplish this. That’s it really. My intention is to heal not hurt anyone, including myself.
“Who are you hoarding anger towards Clair?, Clairity asked once again.
My father. I am angry with my dad.
“What’s the reason for your anger?”
My dad remained silent. My dad allowed my mum to speak ill of me to my face and behind my back. My dad was okay with seeing me in emotional pain. My dad chose to see my pain as dramatic. My dad chose to believe my mum blindly. My dad didn’t defend me. My dad decided who my character was based upon other people’s perception which helped to feed his own. My dad didn’t take the time to truly know me, therefore he didn’t see me, not me inside anyway. He let my mum kick me out of the house. My dad didn’t come to my aid except when he was urged to find me after I ran away, and when I stayed with him for a stint in Toronto when my mother had once again kicked me out of the house in Kanata. My dad was a silent supporter. That’s the reason for my anger.
“Excellent Clair. Your dad was the balloon. Your mum became your surrogate punching bag. You lashed in anger at your mum because you held anger that you had to be the one to defend yourself from injustice. Can you see how you can express anger towards one whilst simultaneously hoarding anger towards another?
Yes, I can see it. Wow. What do I do now?
“Now you unravel the patterns when it comes to people who stood by you when you weren’t looking versus those who basked in the silence or verbal condemnation of you. When you can identify the pattern, you can readjust your level of discernment when assessing people you welcome into your world.
In addition, you recognize today that not all people reflect your parents approach to love. You have people who do and have defended you. Who are they? What’s the reason they correct people when you are not looking? This is important as reflecting on these souls helps you to remember there are other beings in this world, men included, who have integrity, courage, and tenacity to stand for who you truly are within any circumstance. You must offer this same courtesy in return.
There is a divine connection taking place between you and another. You may not see it. That doesn’t mean it isn’t taking place. To know him, you must see him. To see him, you must release your anger and fear when it comes to trusting a man”.
How true are those words?
LivWithClairity 
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