(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Reader discretion is advised 18+)
December 13, 1997, my beautiful baby girl, Laura, came into this world. Laura was due December 26, 1997. Laura was a planned early birth.
Laura and I had experienced a few complications during her gestation period. Complications such as a splitting of my uterus lining which developed from just below my belly button at a cesarian scar I had gotten from my first daughter, Liv’s birth.
Once Laura and I hit about the sixth month mark I noticed my belly was beautifully hard and healthy in development with a center line just above my belly button, about two fingers width that was squishy. As the pregnancy progressed the squishy line continued to grow upward. I was somewhat concerned because I had not experienced any squishy bits on my belly when I was pregnant with Liv. I was also experiencing a different discomfort inside me during Laura’s growth. It probably didn’t help that we were vomiting morning, noon, and night. Perhaps my muscles were weakened from that? I still have no idea. What I do know is the OBGYN decided to book us in for early delivery. I asked if I could do another cesarian section or if natural was best. The doctor recommended a natural delivery. With that, I agreed.
I was anxious and equally excited about my little girl being born. The reason I was anxious was because Liv and I had a rough go during her delivery as well. She flipped during labor and was headed for the wrong channel. The back labor was brutal. Anyway, Liv got stuck and was under severe duress. With that, an emergency C-section came to be. Whilst I was on the operating table with guts wide open and a new baby being whisked away from me, the delivery doctor got called away to another delivery. The on call doctor wasn’t responding to the emergency of simultaneous deliveries.
One doctor can’t be in two places at once. With that, the delivery doctor went to the next delivery. I was left with a very angry anesthesiologist whilst vomiting my guts out due to the epidural and a high fever, with my guts out, for approximately forty-five minutes. This occurred at the same hospital that I was delivering Laura at. Fun times. Anxiety due to trust issues was standing at attention.
Laura and I were scheduled in the hospital’s, semi-private room in labor and delivery for eight am. They didn’t bother to break my water because they believed my water would break naturally with the contractions medication. They were correct. Around noonish my water ruptured ever so slightly. A small trickle began to flow down my leg. Approximately four hours later a massive blood clot came out of me and landed on my leg. It looked like the King Kong of blood leeches. It freaked the bloody crap out of me. Quite literally
“Something is wrong! I know there is”, I exclaimed to Albert. Then I looked down.
“What the hell is that!!?”
There was little blood drippings and gooey coagulated blood on the floor as well as on my leg. I started to get scared. When the nurse came in to check on us I showed her what was on my leg and on the floor.
“Something is wrong. I didn’t get this with Liv. What’s this!?, gesturing my head towards King Kong so that the nurse could see.
“Oh that’s normal sweetheart. I’ll get you a rag, then perhaps you would be more comfortable back in bed”.
With that, the nurse helped me clean my leg up and left the floor alone. Another four hours went by. I used laughing gas in between contractions. My water finally fully erupted at 8:00 pm. Laura was born at 8:06 pm.
“What way did the doctor react to you when you were pushing Laura out?”, Clairity lovingly asked.
Clairity’s question triggered my ego. I still get a twinge when I think about it. My ego wants to slap that man silly. My spirit wants to say “let me educate you, you ignoramus”. I’m human. What can I say?
At the moment of my first push I felt a riiiiip inside of me. I don’t know how else to explain it. I guess ripping off a wax strip to remove hair on the inside would come close to it? It was different and it hurt like hell. The next push produced the same thing.
“I need something to bite. I need something to bite!” I yelled.
I kept getting the “push, stop pushing, push” instructions. The nurse held my right leg up whilst Albert held my left leg up. Dr. Arrogant was in between my legs. On the next push I, without thinking, went to bite the nurses arm. Yep, I was that vicious at that moment. The nurse pulled her arm away quickly thank goodness. It was at that moment the Dr called me out.
“You are being absolutely ridiculous and if you keep it up I am leaving!”
I then looked at the doctor square in the eyes and without hesitation nor lowering the volume of my voice and said “oh yeah? Well, when you push a watermelon out of your arse hole we can have a talk. Until then, something is wrong! Something doesn’t feel right! You’re not listening!”
Next thing I knew, episiotomy incoming. Laura came out. There was so much blood. The nurse took Laura, wiped her up a bit, wrapped her, then placed her on my chest. Whilst Laura was on my chest I saw that she was grey.
“She’s not breathing! My baby’s not breathing! Help her!!”
The nurse then came to see Laura, saw that I was speaking the truth then took her off of me. Laura looked like a tiny little grey alien. She looked deceased. Whilst the nurse called medical reinforcements Dr. Arrogant was sewing me back up. He is the reason my vagina looks mangled. He left me like that because his ego got in the way.
Yes I was dramatic. Yes I reacted harshly. Yes I was pushing out a human being. Yes I was being ignored when I was telling them something was wrong. Can you blame me for being loud and somewhat aggressive? I don’t. I go easy on myself when I think of my role in this particular experience.
As I was being sewn back up I saw my baby girl lying on a gurney with frantic medical staff and one of them pumping blood from Laura’s stomach. There was a wide transparent mounted canister that had a tube extended from it and into the side of Laura. There was blood pooling at the bottom of the canister. I went numb. I was distraught, overwhelmed, and in shock. All I wanted was my baby to be okay.
Within twenty-four hours of Laura’s birth she was air lifted to Toronto Children’s Hospital in downtown Toronto by helicopter. She was placed on life support. Laura had drowned in my blood because the blood was seeping into the amniotic fluid she was breathing in. My daughter was breathing blood for at least four hours before her birth.
“Clair there is a reason I am bringing this locked memory to your attention. I am pleased that you are able to identify the culprit of your deformity. Knowledge leads to acceptance. It is also equally important for you to identify a pattern when it comes to doctors who rejected you versus the doctors who sincerely helped you. Remember, you attracted the character for a reason. There is no blame nor shame, only acknowledgment for understanding and acceptance. What pattern can you identify? Start with the doctors that you feel fondly for”.
The one doctor that comes to my mind is Dr. Stuart. She was a no nonsense character with a fair and firm approach. She listened to me. I never felt rushed or judged. She also believed in me and did everything she could within her scope to help me identify the root of the muscle spasms and cramps I continually faced. I respect Dr. Stuart. She could see my spirit.
There are two other doctors that come to mind. One being Dr. Kang. Dr. Kang took on many of Dr. Stuart’s patients during her progressive retirement. My daughter and myself were included in the change over. Dr. Kang is kind by nature. Her kindness is not forced. It isn’t fake. Kindness comes naturally to her. Anyone in Fredericton, New Brunswick who has Dr. Kang as their doctor is truly blessed indeed.
I have only been to see Dr. Kang a couple of times. She helped me by recommending a neurologist in Montreal. The neurologist appointments in Montreal led me to move in with Rosie in 2021. Dr. Kang did not express a God complex, nor did Dr. Stuart. They had positive attitudes and did what they said they were going to do. I felt I could trust them.
The third doctor which comes to mind was a dentist named Dr. Winnie. She preferred her patients call her Win. She was so gentle and kind. She massaged my jaw whilst inviting me into her world through cultural stories. I am unable to remember which country in Asia she was originally from. I still loved how she could draw me into a meditation before the drill squealed with excitement though. She was, and to date, the only dentist I have felt safe with. I love Dr. Winnie’s spirit.
“Now that you have identified positive experiences with doctors, what challenging experiences can you recall?”, Clairity asked.
I experienced a great deal of disappointments and shaming when it came to doctors. After several tests the Montreal Neurologist stated that there is nothing wrong with my muscles and recommended a rheumatologist. I was so fed up by this point. Dealing with body spasms and severe limb cramping since 2004 had taken its toll on my spirit. Nineteen years with no concrete answers was disheartening.
A neurologist in Nova Scotia had let me down as well. The doctor’s office scheduled me in for a biopsy of my leg muscle in Nova Scotia. Bill took time off work to drive both our girls and myself to the appointment. When we arrived at the hospital the registrar informed us that the doctor had cancelled the surgery and that it was now scheduled to take place back in Fredericton. We were not notified. My trust in that doctor deteriorated quickly from that moment on.
I also bled at the three months gestation period with Liv. Albert took me to the hospital. A blood clot came out of me, along with something else. It went into the toilet whilst I was at the hospital. Albert and I had waited a few hours before the doctor showed up. Albert waited in the hall when the doctor came in to do an examination.
“Have you been pregnant before?”, the doctor asked.
“Yes. I was pregnant once before”, I replied.
“And what did you do with that pregnancy?”, the doctor inquired with a wrinkled up forehead and judgment in his eyes and tone of voice.
“I am certain you can see that in my file”, I anxiously responded.
“Yes, I read it. Perhaps you are here because of it. You don’t deserve to be pregnant. I will have an ultrasound scheduled for you first thing in the morning to determine what is going on. We will go from there”.
With that, the doctor left the room and I didn’t see him again. The next day I had the scheduled ultrasound. Liv was tucked up there towards the top of my uterus beautifully. She was determined to be born. I walked away from that experience with medical speculation of a potential twin. There has been no confirmation of this fact.
Other instances with doctors were “oh you don’t have a husband? You are just under stress. Here, take some valium.”
I don’t get along with doctors nor medical facilities. The energy is overwhelming for me in those places, not to mention my sincere distrust in medical expertise.
“Clair, identify the pattern. All you have done so far is acknowledge the instances and the way you felt. This is a strong start. You must identify the pattern to heal these memories and welcome health professionals once again.
A pattern you may recognize is, all your positive experiences were with female doctors. All your stressful experiences were with male doctors. You do not distrust medical staff. You distrust men. Therefore anytime you anticipated disappointment, you manifested a future experience involving disappointment with a male doctor. When you decided doctors wouldn’t believe you, you attracted doctors who represented the male energy because you trusted they would disappoint you or hurt you. Resulting in you proving you are unable to trust men in all walks of life. Can you see this?”
Holy shit. Yeah, I can see it. Fascinating. What’s the reason I hold this belief that I cannot be safe with men? Is it simply because of the Necklace man or does it go deeper than that?, I wondered.
Clairity helped to shed some light on this sneaky little treasure trove of anger I was holding onto.
“The anger and fear you hold goes beyond the Necklace man. In fact, the Necklace man reinforced the distrust and fear you already had. You developed a belief that no man would come to your aid if you were being attacked, hurt, or misjudged. These beliefs were layered over several years. You either suppressed your anger or you redirected your anger towards your mum. Dig deeper Clair. Who are you angry with?, truly”.
Wow, alright, this rabbit hole is starting to sting.
LivWithClairity 
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