(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
When I first arrived at Rosie’s, their place was crammed with boxes and loose items within every unoccupied room. If the room wasn’t completely covered with stuff, the room would have had items tucked in the corners out of the way. Leaving enough room for a clear path to get from one doorway to another.
It was perfectly understandable. Rosie had let me know they had only just moved in on the first of August. They merged two households. Anyone would have a lot of boxes and clutter in the beginning. I believe I only arrived a week after they moved in. I’m not one hundred percent certain of that.
In hindsight, I recognize that if Rosie was truly making an effort to commit to me, he would have voiced his requirements to organize his home before coming to get me. His home being the way it was indicated his continued impulsiveness in his decision making.
I was impulsive too. Rosie texted the right words, like a secret password to my heart, and I jumped all over it. I texted in response to his words of accountability and supposed true expressions of his love and commitment with “come get me!”. Rosie then inquired as to when. I responded with “as soon as you can”.
I must take accountability as well. Today I recognize there is no rush when it comes to a lifetime commitment. Time could easily have been allowed for organization to create a warmer sense of welcoming. Full transparency on the ownership of the house and what was to be expected of me would have been wise upfront as well. Now I know it is vitally important to ask questions, trust my observations, and trust my intuition before making any formal commitment.
It seems Rosie wanted me back quickly. It seems we were both acting on ego impulses rather than with wise discernment. One of my boundaries today is called “deliberation: counsel in session”. It is wise to think three steps ahead. Ask yourself important questions. Honor your intuition, or instincts, if the word instinct is more your preference. Move in silence whilst thinking your steps through, trusting what you already know, and having faith in what you do not know. It’s rarely advantageous to give all your thoughts away.
There is a red flag when someone makes impulsive decisions as opposed to a rational, well thought out, or at least, all things have truly been considered, decision has to be made. When someone who says you are a priority to them, comfortably welcomes you into their chaos, like it is no big deal, is likely telling you, in not so many words, you are not likely on the top of their priority list. What is on their priority list is your empathy and impulse to help them.
If there is equal reciprocity between the one helping and the one being helped, fabulous. When it is heavily one sided, it’s off balance. Something needs to go to lighten up one side of the scale. Life swings like a pendulum until you establish your equilibrium.
Subconsciously or not, this is what Rosie’s ego was asking of me; a one sided make my life easier kind of lifestyle. Rosie simply wanted me to make his life easier. He wasn’t interested in building a fulfilling life with me. Rosie preferred to be fulfilled elsewhere.
My subconscious was hell bent on proving I was more than a homewrecker, and that I was a good person deserving of true love and acceptance. I was still willing to wipe Rosie’s ass if it meant he was going to make me a priority in his life. Acting on impulse let me bypass the truth by jumping right over it to get to the illusionary prize. A prize consisting of a false sense of success. I was willing to put in the proverbial “good wife” effort so that I could prove to myself that my decisions were solid not reckless. Rosie simply had plans to behave like a good guy when he was being observed.
Rosie made little effort when it came to attentiveness towards me. When it came to Rosie wanting to enter my world, his projection read “do not enter” written across my forehead. When it came to entering his world of illusion, my projection read “welcome aboard, figuratively and literally. Enter at your own risk”. I hopped aboard Rosie’s crazy train several times. Choo! Choo!
When Rosie, Rosie’s mum, and Rosie’s two kids, Jean and Alyssa, moved in, both Rosie and his mum had brought all of their own apartment collectibles. Each room was filled with both his mother’s cherished items as well as Rosie’s. I was thinking, shit, this is going to take some work to organize.
My people pleasing to-do list was firmly in hand. Repeating a toxic habit? Check!
Repeating an unhealthy pattern sure does sneak up on us sometimes. I didn’t identify my people-pleasing ways right away. Living with Rosie and his family certainly helped me figure it out.
I’m confident Clairity was thinking I wasn’t off to a good start on my discernment training. From almost day one I was already planning a way to help them in my mind. I was figuring out the best way I could contribute to the household. In what ways could I be an awesome spouse, lover, mother, and daughter-in-law, in the event Rosie and I were meant to be together over the long term?
I recognize clearly where my tendency to please people came from. It has much to do with my relationship with my parents. Throughout this blog series you may discover hidden patterns within you too. Self centeredness, and the polar opposite, people pleaser, have an extremely challenging pattern to break. Once the toxic pattern is identified, it must be corrected and reinforced daily. Similar to that of a recovered from addictions patient. Relapse can happen.
One of my unhealthy beliefs was the idea that I was nothing more than a burden. To this day, my little girl’s ego requires my attention and consistent reassurance that I am not a burden. That I do in fact offer great value. Regardless of any financial transactions or abundance, which may have been lacking in my life.
Money is wonderful. The service, the love, the passion, the authenticity of self expression, and loving contributions without expectations in return, for me, are far more valuable. I was off balance when I was perceiving the blessing of money alongside the blessing of genuine kindness. At one time money was the enemy. Love was the only way. Today I can recognize the beautiful harmony in a balanced union of love and money.
With that in mind, I can identify that money buys items and travel experiences. Authentic love provides valued support and a place our inner child feels safe to be in. Both must be honored with equal reciprocity. Otherwise, people who only value love, like me in the past, leave money focused thinkers who are unable to see the value in love, like Rosie. They both ultimately experience being alone and lonely. Who wins at the end of that?
Both a money driven thinker and the loving minded thinker are left separated and lonely. If not separated and lonely, they end up attached inside a toxic love and loneliness similar to that of my parents. Love and money are most advantageous when they are working in harmony rather than each being used as a weapon against each other.
I am unable to speak to the reasons my parents stayed together for as long as they have. I can say their perception of love and money definitely influenced my overall view on the subjects.
To give a glimpse into my parents dynamic it can be summed up nicely in this reflection. My dad’s nickname from my mother was arsehole. My father called my mother madam or she-who-must-be-obeyed.
My parents also made fun of each other’s physical appearance. My dad referred to my mum’s legs as sparrow legs. My mum made fun of my dad’s legs by calling them knock-kneed. I rarely, if ever, saw my parents being physically affectionate. Public displays of affection were out of the question. My father would often walk ten steps in front of my mum. When my dad was drinking his beer he would be obnoxious and had made fun of my mum in the presence of others. If it wasn’t my mum my dad was making fun of, it was me or my brother. If it was neither my brother nor I, he was talking behind someone’s back, mocking them in some way or another for a brief moment or two. My dad wasn’t focused on other people so much. With that said, he wasn’t always kind in the shadows when it came to his opinions of people.
People irritated my dad more often than not. My mum would feed my dad’s energy by also contributing to two-faced ness. They both talked about other people in a poor light from time to time. It’s the main reason I detest it when a person says one thing only to then do something else. Including talking smack behind someone’s back. It’s horrid in my perception.
My dad did eventually quit drinking. It took many years for my mother to call him out for being an alcoholic. My dad’s drinking and smoking were a hot topic of arguments back in the day. “Smoke another”, my mum would say after my dad’s coughing attack. Basically, my parents had a strange way of expressing love towards one another.
My exposure to their interesting dynamic over fifty years created a hard expectation of what a committed relationship was like. I was trained to accept being treated like shit by being placed on the back burner, through my mum’s acceptance of my dad’s behavior. My dad trained me on managing my expectations as it related to the way men thought of me and loved me.
I am not certain if learning acceptance of love from the feminine influence and learning what you can expect from love from the masculine influence, is the same for everyone during their impressionable years. What I am certain of is, that’s how I came to perceive love. My dad taught me what to expect. My mum taught me what to accept.
I was nervous about the idea of living with Rosie’s mum. I had thought of Rosie’s mum on the drive back to Montreal in August, 2023. I hadn’t lived with a mother in decades. I also only knew one mother, my own. I felt I had to walk on egg shells more often than not growing up. I was combating the fear of having to walk on eggshells again with Rosie’s mum.
Rosie had assured me that his mum was welcoming of all people. He said she was very caring, generous, and held no racism within her. Rosie had explained that his mum would send much of her money to Haiti to help their extended family. He also let me know that his mother was considered to be a highly respected elder in their community. I’m not sure if that helped me feel more at ease, or if it heightened my nervousness. I suspect it was the latter.
The first couple of days after arriving were warm and inviting. Rosie said I was welcome to anything, including the vitamins upstairs to help my body strengthen. I was extremely thin when I first arrived there. My body mass was disproportionate to my height. I was excited by the idea of having vitamins. Unfortunately I was wrong to assume his mother was of the same welcoming mind as Rosie’s.
It was around the third day of being there when Rosie’s mother corrected my thinking. I had gone upstairs into the kitchen to get a vitamin. Rosie’s mum was standing in front of them. As I approached, Rosie’s mum grabbed the container of vitamins and said in french, “these are for the children not for you”. She then placed them to the other side of her. Outside of my reach. My first thought was damn, what did I do? It was at that moment I knew upstairs was her home. My place was in the basement.
As I made my way back downstairs, Clairity responded to my confusion with, “what is the familiarity in energy Clair? See past what you see”.
As soon as I heard her whisper that to me, I connected a dot. Rosie’s mum’s energy is similar to that of my mother’s. I was most definitely walking on eggshells again. After that association I thought, what the hell did I just get myself into?
Not only was I repeating a pattern, I moved back in with my mother!
LivWithClairity 
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