(Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
Until recently, I chose to look at money as my nemesis. Intellectually I recognized money was required to enjoy a relatively stress free life. I can intellectualize, and empathize with people in all walks of life. I know everyone has stresses of some kind. Loneliness, superficiality, depression, disconnection, financial upheaval, responsibilities, and a plethora of other perceived obstacles, present themselves in all arenas of life, and within all perceived status. We are all energy beings.
We are all here collectively to learn about ourselves through each other. The universe, affectionately referred to as God in my reality, experiences self through an infinite amount of ways. You and me included. The 3D construct is creative expression to help create a reality for our uniquely designed learning style.
A destitute person can feel hopeless, so can a billionaire. Things are things. A soul’s interaction through the creation of an ego character is interwoven within all of creation. With that in mind, I can recognize that for me, money was the only way I could get out of the mess I created for myself through my choices. I resented that fact.
I associated money as evil because in my mind, people who like to manipulate people with power and money, hurt people. My inner nine year old child promised to never put herself in such a desperate state of mind that she would sell herself to anyone. In my world, money was the tool to maintain power, control, and egotistical pursuits. In my mind, my inner child, who so desperately wanted her dad to play with her instead of work, believed, men loved money, not her.
The reason I had the love hate relationship with money was because I had attached the symbol of money to the face of the Necklace man. Subconsciously, money equated to the deterioration of morality and human decency. This debilitating associative belief was the catalyst to my need to prove I am a good person, and that money wasn’t necessarily required. Due to the fear of money changing who I am, and the resentment I held because I was placed into a world which requires money, my central nervous system took a hit, again. I held this energy since nine years of age. I am soon to be fifty-two. That’s a long time to deny oneself.
When I thought of money, my muscles would vibrate. My body would cramp. My energy lowered. My mind became irritated. A downward spiral would occur. This mindset alone placed my energy into a denser reality. A reality which consisted of pleasing people to the point of giving myself away, as well as a reality of codependency.
I was desperate to be seen for me, not for any physical prosperity I may or may not have. I speak in the past to this because, well, Clairity offers wonderful insight. Money can only change me if I allow it. I know me. Therefore I have the discernment to choose. I have also been without money long enough to know that I love me with or without money. I see that I am a good person either way. My mind is what I take with me when I leave this physical reality permanently. My mind is my gold. Everything else is God’s brilliant sense of humor.
With that said, throughout my life, I would give of myself and my intuitive abilities freely to anyone who asked. When I realized, after the fact that they were only being pleasant in order to receive free insight, or some other physical benefit from me, I began to resent being a spiritual advisor. I began to resent being me. I attracted individuals who were willing to use me so that I could create an excuse to give up on my talents. I didn’t know it at the time. Clairity hit me with a sudden flashback which helped me put the pieces together.
“If you became increasingly successful by attracting authentic and lucrative inquiries, you would be financially independent. If you became financially independent then you feared your ego might take over. You feared losing all sense of morality. You feared losing yourself. You feared the responsibility that comes with money. You aligned yourself perfectly with other like minded energy who didn’t fear money and power, and who were in deep ego states, to play the villain for you. You were determined to prove to yourself that people with money would use you. You had to prove that people with money were controlling and manipulative. You kept seeing the Necklace man in different forms, through different faces, in different places. We are a collective consciousness. Therefore there is always someone to agree with you. There is always someone who can play that role for you. God experiences self through all reflections. Whatever your subconscious wishes to prove, you attract anyone and anything which helps to reinforce it. Anything is possible.
Money is a tool to help create power. With power comes great responsibility. You feared both”, Clairity explained.
I didn’t make that connection at the time. I was focused on resenting people for only wanting to know me because of what I could provide for them. I basked in ignorance. Until I had had enough. Once I couldn’t carry this heavy burden any longer, I reflected on my life’s circumstances. I caught myself asking questions. “Does my fear of money affect all areas of my life? Is my fear of money tied into the people I attracted both in business and personal?”.
“Clair, there have been many micro experiences which helped add layers to your subconscious belief. Your translation of money bled into all four legs of your chairs. Your association with money affected your intimate relationships, your career, your relationship with your parents, as well as your physical health and well-being. Not to mention this fear also helped to nourish your doubts in your creation, which fed oppressive energy. You then ignorantly allowed the energy to manipulate you.
Can you identify some of these micro experiences?”
Yes, I can.
“Which ones can you readily identify?”
Good question.
Rosie had, what I considered to be, a healthy income. Yet, two of my teeth broke and partially fell out whilst living with him. He didn’t help me other than to place me on his benefits a month before expiring at the end of 2023. Then we went to a couple of dental clinics to get a quote. His benefits wouldn’t have been able to cover most of the cost. Three weeks later, there were no more benefits.
I had lived with Rosie off and on from 2020 to 2024. I was Rosie’s “ignorance is bliss”, concubine, since October, 2014. He was fully aware of the position I was in. Rosie left me to solve my physical health, and financial situation for myself. Rosie offered the bare minimum.
I am currently living with this uncomfortable truth. I am actually impressed with how I have been able to live with a toothache for almost four years. I honor my strength. Thank goodness I no longer feel the need to prove it to others. I can also recognize looking back, that I had to ask Rosie for money to get feminine hygiene products or to promote my efforts in business. That was until Rosie offered to make me his employee off the record and pay me. That way I had money to do as I pleased. Rosie did throw some money my way when we first reconciled. He stopped fairly quickly. I would say within the first six months of living together. His change in behavior alerted me to his mom’s perception of me. I was only with her son for his money.
“Clair, did you catch it? Do you see the way you attracted an experience to have your character questioned when associated with money, and allowed money to control you through the actions from Rosie’s ego?”, Clairity asked.
Holy shit. Yes, I can. Interesting indeed.
Clairity went on to ask, “what can you identify in your fear pattern whilst being married to Bill?”
I remember him secretly resenting me from walking away from long-term disability insurance. I know I bought him a motorcycle with some of the insurance buy-out money. He sold the bike and didn’t offer to extend some of his profits my way. I also remember him financing a car for my birthday present in 2006, only for him to take it from me in 2017 with the promise to sell it and split fifty-fifty on the sale with me. Instead he took my car, “Betty”, fixed it up, showed me the receipt, and bragged about how inexpensive it was for him.
“I got a great deal. Cost me less than five hundred to fix her up”, Bill proudly announced. Then he kept my birthday present, drove it into the ground, then dropped Betty off at the wrecking yard. Good times. I also remember him saying to me on more than one occasion, “Tranquil Spirit is only going to be a mom and pop shop at best”. Which translated into hard work with little lifestyle rewards.
Clairity held my hand and wasn’t about to stop with her loving insight. “Excellent Clair. You are identifying the pieces. Your money puzzle is starting to take form. Keep going. What can you identify when being with your first husband, Albert?”.
Albert was all about his career. He also admired the finer things in life. I was comfortable with that. What I found challenging was he placed his career first and foremost. Then he placed his toys, skiing and golf adventures, and personal presentation second. Third on his priority list were his children. Last on the list was me. Albert and I had countless arguments about this. I had countless arguments with all three men I dedicated myself to about my perception of being placed last. Albert’s response was, “you knew that when you married me”. It used to piss me off when he said that. Work came first in his mind. His mind was unable to see mine.
I can recognize exactly where that is coming from. My dad worked a lot too. My mum was often home with Craig and I. My dad would work all hours. Sometimes seven days a week.
“Yes Clair, you are correct. You attracted a likeness to that of your father. With that said, you also used Albert as a villain to help remind you that having money equated to immoral sound judgment. Albert was your villain to help your childlike ego reinforce, money was more loveable than you”.
Wow, what a revelation. Thank goodness I know I love myself today. I have no desire to prove I am loveable. I have already achieved it. I love you Clairity. Thank you for your guidance, always.
“Our pleasure dear” Clairity acknowledged. “You have more to do with this money puzzle. You created hidden associations. They are deep within your mind. You are aware they are there. You dreamt about them. You brought them with you. It is time to integrate”.
Talk about a revelation to come. My distinguished Jack was standing before a door that read “Follow The Steps Down”. As Jack handed me the key to unlock the portal door, I took a big anxious sigh. I can do this. The truth may hurt. The truth also sets you free.
Ask a butterfly once they emerge from their cocoon. They’ll tell ya. Growing wings is a painful process. I remind myself, Clairity is guiding me, not intentionally hurting me. I choose to trust.
LivWithClairity 
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