(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
What is love to me?, and how does it tie into the front man for Coldplay, Chris Martin? Those are good bloody questions Clairity asked me.
I have been isolated since leaving Rosie on August, 27, 2024. When I say isolated, I mean, no friends, no family other than my daughter and her daughters, no active cellphone with an active number, and absolutely no desire in meeting people through any form of dating app nor social app. I have also been celibate since leaving Rosie. Basically, I have detoxed all people’s energy from my energy. So, how would I possibly be able to answer Clairity’s question, “what does love mean to you?”.
My family immigrated to Canada from England when I was two-and-a-half years old. It was September, 1976. My family consisted of a mother, a father, my brother, and myself.
My brother and I were sent to England when my brother was sixteen and I was fourteen. My parents sent us there for the summer of 1988. It was during that time when I met my cousins, second cousins, my aunts, one uncle, and my grandparents on both sides of the family. I learned a great deal about my parents struggles as children themselves after being with their parents in England. Today, I can connect dots as to the reasons my parents raised me the way they did.
My mother married her father in my dad. My dad used my mum to project his resentment for his own mother. My dad married his mother. My parents loved each other through a familiar love they had when they were children. My parents then raised my brother and I the way they understood love to be.
My dad’s comment about how different the men were in my life in comparison to his character has been clarified in my mind. If you have been reading along in my journey since day one, you, like me, see the hidden patterns, in both positive and negative, traits with my father, Albert, Bill, and Rosie. There was also a pattern in the lifestyle I was experiencing whilst in those committed relationships. I was living out the same rejected love patterns my mother was living with. I was living the familiar love both my parents were living in. My parents were living the familiar love patterns their parents were living in. The generational love patterns were alive and well in my familial bloodline, until me. I have chosen to change this unhealthy love cycle. My purpose for being here is to experience love so that I can teach self love and acceptance.
The last time I saw my family in England was around 2008. My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with uterus cancer. My mother wanted to be with my grandmother for a few reasons. Some were legal, and some were personal. My mother paid for me to go with her because my dad didn’t want to go. The trip to England was horrific and is my last memory of England and any form of extended family.
After arriving in England I developed a blood clot on my rib cage. The doctor at Tameside hospital felt the long plane ride may have contributed to the blood clot. It was highly recommended I not fly back to Canada when I was scheduled to leave. The blood clot was located below and near my heart. There was concern about another long flight so soon after this. There was a high enough risk of the flight being potentially devastating for me. During the first week of being in England I felt like I had suffered a broken rib. It was challenging to take deep breaths. It was also a challenge to sleep at night because the cramping in my legs caused me to toss and turn. Fun times.
Tameside hospital back then was incredible. I was born in that hospital. They still housed all my records and took care of me as if I had never left. Of all my medically related experiences, Tameside hospital was top notch. Believe me, extending that true perception is challenging for my ego. My ego is still healing from medical traumas. Thank you Tameside Hospital for truly being there for me back then. I felt seen and truly cared for.
The night before my mother and I were scheduled to fly back to Canada, which was two weeks after the hospital visit, my grandmother’s house was robbed whilst we were all gathered at my uncle’s girlfriend’s house. We went over to my uncle’s girlfriend’s for dinner. I was agitated all evening. My mother called me “misery guts”. She then became irritable with me because I wasn’t being pleasant enough with the family. I was being too quiet and withdrawn. I told her something felt off. She dismissed me. When we arrived back at my grandmother’s house, we came into a broken home.
Turns out the taxi driver, who I had energetically picked up on whilst he was driving us across town, called people to let them know my grandmother’s house was empty. Those people then broke my grandmother’s kitchen window and stole several items from her home.
My uncle and I had a fight that night. He wanted me to lie to the police by saying more expensive jewelry was stolen from my suitcase. I didn’t have expensive jewelry. I had cosmetic jewelry at best. I refused to lie to the police. I refused to let my uncle fraudulently receive more insurance money than my grandmother should have received. This infuriated my uncle. He let me know his thoughts. I in turn let him know mine. My grandmother was taken to the hospital. I never saw any of them again.
All this to say, my family is my children. My family is extremely small. All I had ever known about my family was they were English people who only hugged dogs and horses, and who were alcoholics, and racist towards others. They were also people who stole from one another and who took advantage of people when the opportunity had risen.
I knew no other form of love from England. I had even said that I would never go to England again. I actually wanted to kiss the ground when we arrived back in Canada. Like Katy Perry from her astronaut days. I would have if I thought the frozen ground wouldn’t have locked my lips into place.
I have held incredible sadness when it came to my perception of English people. This perception is a form of stereotype and cultural racism. I knew this and yet had no idea how to break free from that ugly perception. I understand my dad, it doesn’t mean I have to continue to develop a mind like him. My English people were his French people. This line of thinking was simply not okay for me.
I was struggling to find love within my heritage. That was until Chris Martin from Coldplay appeared on my TikTok algorithm. I had already known of Coldplay before their Music of the Spheres global tour. They have a song called “Yellow”. There is a lyric in the song that goes “skin and bones turned into something beautiful.” When that song first came out I was severely underweight. It was sometime between 2000 and 2002, I believe? I used that song from then, and up to present day, as a reminder to myself. When I sing that song, I am singing it from me to me. I am skin and bones being turned into something beautiful. I am beautiful. I am making a promise to myself when I sing those lyrics.
I also find it fascinating that the song Yellow came out during my second employment at Yellow Pages. I returned to them when Bill wanted to move to Ontario to be closer to his kids. They were living with their mother close to where we moved to. Only for them to move back to New Brunswick two months later. We moved back to New Brunswick. Bill wanted to follow them. With that, I only worked for Yellow Pages for a few months when I had returned.
With that, a song Yellow referring to someone who is malnourished, came on the radio waves when I was either working for Yellow Pages, or shortly thereafter. Yellow was a fitting song for me in my world at that time in my life.
With that said, I only really associated Coldplay with that song. I knew, and still know, nothing of any of the band members. What I know is what they represent for me. They represent unity, peace, acceptance of all, and cosmic understanding through open mindedness and unconditional love. Some of their songs speak to me because they closely represent my life journey. With that, the little Coldplay videos that came across my screen were truly enjoyable.
Over several months, in addition to the mini Colplay snippets, the name Chris would come into my awareness in some way shape or form. One in particular was when my daughter moved her family into the home they have now. The front step has a welcome mat that reads “Christmas”. The first part of that word “Chris” was often the only part of the word visible to me. The rest of the word was covered by debris or other outdoor items. I used to think “ahh am I going to meet my Mr. Christy?”.
In addition to the several variations of the name Chris, a song from Coldplay called “Green Eyes” came across my YouTube. I didn’t know that song before YouTube showed it to me. I have green eyes. I can honestly say, I am biased when it comes to that song. I also thought, okay universe, are you messing with me? What the heck? Does my Mr. Christy like Coldplay? Is he sending me telepathic messages through some of Coldplay’s songs? I became curiouser and curiouser.
Mr. Christy is the name I associate with my forever person. Christy is the name of the late, great, Robin Williams’ character in my favorite movie of all time, “What Dreams May Come”. My person is my Mr. Christy. Seeing the name Chris as frequently as I did, alongside seeing a plethora of videos for the Music of the Spheres, created confusion within me. My ego even started to develop an attachment to Chris Martin in particular.
Many short clip interviews with Chris Martin appeared on my screen. I thought, “wow! This guy is actually authentic. Chris’s vibe, although diplomatically guarded, is equally warm and inviting. He’s English at that! Weird”.
Chris became an enigma for me. All I knew about english people was grey. How does an English man become so gentle in nature? Chris Martin intrigues me. He is nothing like what I perceived about my heritage.
I can also accept that Chris Martin is well off financially. He shattered my perception that you have to lose sight of your morality to become rich with money. He instantly shattered my perception of English people, especially English men, as well as, the ego of the wealthy.
My little girl ego wanted to hug the crap out of him. I had never felt those feelings for any celebrity, ever. I was also very guarded when it came to Englishmen. I had to understand it. Clairity helped me, as always.
“Clair, how well do you truly know Chris Martin?”.
I don’t know him in the least. I know what he represents. I know I would love to get to know him as a person based on what little I have been exposed to. I also know he has many stages of ego, just like me. That’s all I know.
“Excellent Clair. You can identify what he represents to you. Chris has been placed into your timeline to help you heal from familial trauma. Chris offers you a spiritual key to let England back into your heart. Yes your ego is starstruck. This is because of what he represents to you, not necessarily because of who he truly is. Can you see this?”
Yes, I certainly can.
I also can’t imagine Chris Martin would ever know I existed. I do pray he realizes that he impacts this world in profound loving ways. Just by being him. His music and life story through song is an added bonus. I believe in Chris’s ability to see his impact for himself. Thank you for being you Mr. Chris Martin. You helped give me hope that I can embrace my English family once again. Authentic loving English people do exist! You also helped me squash my fear about losing myself if I were to become rich. The butterfly effect you created is profound indeed.
I had never been starstruck in my life. I do appreciate a few talented people. Gerrard Butler has my heart because he can sing Phantom of the Opera better than anyone I have ever heard. I love the late Robin Williams for many roles he has played throughout his career, in particular, What Dreams May Come. That’s it. People are people in my world. What people do for work makes no difference to me. What a person has or does is a reflection of this illusionary world. How they went about achieving what they have is a reflection of their true character. A person’s character is what is important to me.
Mr. Chris Martin represents much more than talent. He represents love within my heritage. I am forever grateful to the universe for guiding me to this realization, as well as Chris Martin’s, probably unknowing, role in it.
What is love? There is a riddle by the Sphinx that goes a little something like this, “what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?”. The answer is a human being. Have you heard it? Clairity offered me further insight into this riddle.
“Time is an illusion. Everything is now. Everything is made of energy. Energy transforms to meet a host’s needs in perception. You are the energetic frequency of your childhood. You carry the child daily. You are the energetic frequency of the teenager and young adult. You carry this teenager daily. You are the adult who houses a culmination of all ego timelines of you. You carry this energy daily. You are also the wise energy vibrating within you, which extends out further into the cosmos. You carry this wisdom and guiding force daily.
You carry the child, four legs in the morning, the teenager/young adult in the afternoon, and your wise one, an elderly person with a cane for three legs, in the evening, daily. Your awareness level determines which ego frequency you are tapping into. The less self aware you are, the greater the fluctuations in your energetic frequency daily. Your frequency rises and falls in direct relation to your thoughts and emotional vibrations, not necessarily your actions. You could unintentionally jump from an adult into a child at an inopportune time when you remain unaware. This happens to people all the time. Subconscious beliefs snap us back into the fragmented timeline it originates from. You can look like your adult self and yet be living in your inner child’s vibration.
You are also spread out amongst several lifetimes and dimensions. They are all you. To know love is to accept all of you. To accept all of you, you must journey once again down each stage of life from a student’s perspective, with fresh eyes and a thirst for knowledge. The more you understand your inner child, your teenager, your adult, and your wise self, you develop peace. In this peaceful acceptance is love”.
This is what love came to be for me. I love being a human child, teenager, young adult, and wise one. I love having the awareness to choose which ego state I wish to be in at any given moment. I also love that I can recognize which version of me is being triggered at any given moment.
Because I see myself that clearly, I can see my person’s inner child, teenager, adult, and wise elder, clearly. Which means, I can by his inner child’s guardian. I can be his teenager’s best friend. I can be his adult’s lover. I can be his wise person’s companion. I stand for equal reciprocity, which means, so does he. I know this because there is a person out there who thinks like I do. I would be arrogant to think otherwise. I may not know what it is truly like to be loved by a man, I do believe he exists, and I do receive the honor of his love. He in turn deserves the honor of my love.
“Clair, love is everything. You design what love is for you based on what you choose to learn and invite in. You can only give what you know. You knew pain so you gave yourself pain. You can only know when you receive. You have received rejection, which then became what you knew. You therefore chose people to reject you. Do you still see that as love today?”
No, for me, love means I am safe to be a child. I am safe to be an adventurous teenager. I am safe to be an ambitious adult. I am safe to express my wise discernment and observations. I am safe to be me. I am safe at being perfect within all my imperfections. I know this because this is what I give as my love to myself and to others, even if that love is from a distance. I stand for equal reciprocity, therefore, my loving person, who is a reflection of all that is, naturally compliments my peace by equally giving of himself authentically to me.
I love me enough to say no. I love me enough to say yes. I love me enough to not know. I love me in silence and in sound. I love me for being my own trusted guardian. That is what love is to me. This is the love my person compliments. Everything else is love in disguise.
Everyone else is designing what love is for them. Just because the love may be representative of something different, it doesn’t mean it isn’t love. Just because it’s painful, it doesn’t mean love isn’t involved in some way. Just because it is outside of what you know, doesn’t mean it’s not love. It may be learned love, it’s still an expression of love. Love is acceptance through surrender. Love is intimately knowing what love is for you. Love is using discernment when giving someone the key to your heart. Love is being you unapologetically.
“Everything in existence was made with love. You are love. Design your love with you in mind. Let others compliment it.” ~ Clairity
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