(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
What the fuck am I doing? I have been writing almost everyday since November 16, 2025. I have written forty-eight entries with less than five readers following along. Who am I truly writing to?, and to what end?
To this day I am still living on a, now raised mattress, thanks to my daughter buying a metal bedframe, without two pennies to rub together. Everything I have attempted.to make something of myself, has failed. I have no energy left to help people understand subconscious pattern recognition, nor do I have the strength to keep putting energy into something that has offered no return. It seems what I have to offer isn’t interesting enough to make money from it.
With that in mind, I surrender. I don’t know what I am doing. All I do know is who I am and the reasons my life went in the direction it did. I accept my choices in life. I accept the outcome. I still hold peace in my heart knowing that my intentions have been pure. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be pleased with my efforts in this lifetime. I would also be proud of how much I have learned. I may not have been able to figure out how to make a living out of what I know, at least I was honored with the awareness to learn what I know. I also know my daughter can’t keep taking care of me. It is not her job to look after me financially, nor in any other capacity really.
I am honestly starting to question if there really is a God. I keep hearing Clairity whisper, “trust the process”. Honestly, that’s all I have been doing! Trust and having faith my work pays off. When is enough, enough?
I don’t know what else to do with my life. Is this all there is? Am I best to go to a group home?, or homeless shelter?, so that Liv can be free of supporting me? Liv makes minimum wage for crying out loud. With two small children to boot. Fuck!!! What do I do?? God, if there truly is a sentient being who truly sees my heart and soul, is this it for me?
I wouldn’t change my past for the world. With that said, who do I talk to about changing my present situation? I see motivational speakers and gurus talking. They are making tons of money without truly going deep into subconscious patterns. Many talk about the law of attraction and mindsets, yet rarely do I hear how to change subconscious beliefs and attachments. I had to figure it out for myself with Clairity’s help. Yet, here I am, still penniless. Am I simply playing with my own mind? I don’t know what to do. All I know is what not to do.
I know how to identify an ego. I can read vibrations extremely well. I can identify the true intentions behind someone’s thoughts and actions. I can communicate with spirit. I can see beyond the illusion. Yet, here I am, penniless.
Is this it for me? Am I meant to be lonely and penniless for the remainder of my days on this planet? Am I going insane? Anyone in my position probably would. I’m exhausted. Living in hope and prayer can be heavy to carry sometimes. I am feeling sorry for myself and I don’t know how to break out of it. I feel like I am suffocating inside myself. I don’t even know why I am writing this. I am not meant to have all the answers. It would be nice to meet someone who does have some answers though.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is I want to live instead of simply exist. How do you break out of the only cage you have ever known? How do you open a door where there is no handle to turn in view? How do I figure out how to do something I have never done before? Where do I find the strength to take yet another leap of faith?
Today is a full blown ego day, and as it stands in this moment in time is, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing.
LivWithClairity 
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