(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
If you have been following along with me since day one, you know all about Rosie. You are aware of his cheating ways. You are also likely aware of how serious he could be, that he showed little affection nor interest in doing things with me, and how much he loved making money. Money was Rosie’s first and only true love.
Rosie, like my dad, was also highly intelligent. Neither my dad, nor Rosie were book smart per say. They were both able to manipulate people into thinking they were kind by nature. My father was an electrical engineer and Rosie was a combat engineer. Bill was a civil technician. Talk about a pattern in vocational choices as well.
Both my father and Rosie knew how to be a bullshitter. Both Rosie and my dad were charming. They knew how to be nice. Authentic kindness on the other hand wasn’t so easy for either of them. Neither of them had patience for stupidity nor waiting for anything. They were using the same alarm clock when it came to alarming them when they were at the end of their patience.
After journeying down the many rabbit holes that Clairity guided me through, it was easy for me to connect the similarities in characteristics and mindsets of my father and Rosie. With that said, Clairity knew there was a deeper toxic cycle I was carrying over from one lifetime into the next.
“Clair, before we discuss where your impulse to help the victim mindset comes from, answer me this; in what way was Rosie a victim of his circumstances and in what way does that translate with your father?”.
Interesting question indeed.
Rosie would be considered a visible minority. He was also french born. Rosie had faced racism from others on several occasions whilst we were together. When he worked taxi, he was discriminated against whilst in a fast food drive-thru window. During his career in the military he faced discrimination amongst his peers and superiors. He believed this discrimination halted his career advancement. Based on what I could see, I agreed with him.
The local police stereotyped him by stopping him to ask for his I.D. without just cause. In addition to that, Rosie was fighting a judicial system that favours the mother’s position over the father’s position within their child custody case. Even though Rosie’s children’s mother was verbally abusive and often neglectful of her children’s physical safety, the courts often sided with her. This not only infuriated Rosie, it flabbergasted me as well.
“How does all this tie in with your father?”, Clairity asked.
My father is racist. My father also detested french speaking Canadians. This was likely because when we immigrated to Canada my father worked for a paper mill in Hull, Quebec. We all lived near Ottawa, Ontario. My father would commute to Hull everyday for work. I can’t imagine it was easy for my English born father to communicate effectively with his subordinates and colleagues who spoke french.
I didn’t see my dad as a victim. I saw him as a closed minded racist who didn’t give people a chance. In my mind, Rosie was a victim of people who thought like my dad. Knowing that, my rebellious teenager inside me overcompensated for Rosie’s poor behavior by seeing him as someone who was misunderstood. I was with Rosie because he stood for everything my dad disliked.
“Excellent Clair. I know that was challenging for you to admit. Were you with Rosie because you loved him?, or, were you with Rosie because you chose to be with someone who was misjudged like you? Did you choose Rosie because you thought he would be a good fit on the island of misfits alongside you?”.
Wow! What a call out! I chose Rosie because misery loves company. He fit right into my misfit ways.
“Yes Clair, you stayed with Rosie out of fear of being alone and because he was a misfit just like you. You settled for mistreatment just so that you could prove your dad wrong. How do you feel about this today?”.
Honestly, I love knowing my mind. I also recognize how fragile I let myself become. Today, I see challenges as progress. Today, I recognize the value in self-help, rather than being someone’s savior. I recognize I can only compliment someone who is willing, and determined to help themselves. Today, equal reciprocity and authenticity are a top priority to me. Anything less would be for someone else. I gained this awareness because of my life experiences with Albert, Bill, and Rosie. I also recognize that my father is just a man figuring himself out too. He doesn’t have to love me for me to love myself.
“I love you Clair. Good job. Excellent release. Now, do you remember when you were ten years old telling a friend that you would never date a soldier or someone younger than you?”.
Yes I do remember that. I have no idea what made me say that back then.
“Would you like to know?”, Clairity asked.
Yes I most certainly do want to know. That statement had kept me curious for such a long time.
Clairity went on further to ask, “do you remember the dream in the tall grass?”.
Yes. I remember that dream like it was yesterday.
In my dream I am a male soldier. I was snaking on my stomach through high grass. I was alone and desperate to free my men who were on the other side of a barbed wire fence. Behind that fence was a pop up building. It was elongated and had two or three steps leading into it at the side of the building. I am not certain of the color the building was in. I’d say it wasn’t white. It wasn’t exactly brown either.
As I laid there motionless in the grass, I saw asian looking soldiers escort five of my men out of the building and down the stairs. They were then lined up side by side with backs against the building wall. In my mind I kept yelling “No! I need to save them! Those are my men!”. As soon as I yelled those words in my mind, the firing squad opened fire. All five men slumped to the ground, dead. After the men slumped to the ground, I woke up.
“Clair, that was a past life recall. You’re still holding guilt for not saving the innocent. You have been holding onto the pain of failing others to the point of yours and their detriment. It is for this reason you feared soldiers, as well as had a soft spot for them at the same time. When you were ten, not only were you recalling your past life, you were also picking up on the spirit contract you agreed to with Rosie. You knew your experience with Rosie that was slotted for this lifetime was going to be your most challenging. You knew when you were ten that you were going to be devastatingly heartbroken by Rosie. You just didn’t know who Rosie was at that time. Today you know. Do you remember your third or fourth date with Rosie when he asked you, “how long have you known me anyway?”
Yes I remember.
“What was your reaction and response?”.
As soon as Rosie asked me that question at the pub where we first met, I wide-eyed gasped, became an emotional wreck and fled to the bathroom to cry. I didn’t understand my reaction at the time. When I went back and sat down across from Rosie at the table, he had a confused, what the fuck, look upon his face. He must have thought I was a real whack job. I then said to him, “we have known each other for a very long time. I pray we get it right this time”.
“Clair, everyone who came into your life had a soul contract with you. Every heartache, pain, disappointment, and loss were planned by you. You chose to meet certain versions of your parents, friends, and lovers, for the purpose of breaking you free from repressed guilt. This could have only been done by getting you to see you through your eyes, not theirs. To do that, you had to be pushed out enough so that you could see yourself . They in turn agreed to meet the version of you they did in order to learn their lessons of choice. You know this today, yes?”, Clairity asked.
Yes, I know this.
Everyone in life is a teacher and a student to each other at the exact same time. Each one of us holds many lifetimes of knowledge. This knowledge is suppressed and only comes out when something similar occurs. It is the similarities which awaken the beast inside.
“If nothing felt familiar, how would you know what you were carrying? You wouldn’t. Therefore someone in spirit had to have loved you enough to play a villain for you in this lifetime. Just like Albert, Bill, and Rosie, along with your parents and brother, were villains to you. They in turn saw you as a villain for them”, Clairity explained.
We all play different roles for each other whilst in our deeper ego states. The purpose is for our own individualized soul’s evolution. What is growth without a challenge being presented? You require a challenge in order to grow and expand your awareness.
In addition to having an infinite amount of versions of ourselves, each one of us houses the energy of a child, teenager, adult, and wise elder within us. We can tap into any one of those energies at anytime. Unfortunately many have yet to master the awareness of this fact. Due to this, people subconsciously react, rather than remain consciously aware. A person’s inner child’s energy can be trapped, or their wise self could easily be ignored. We require people outside of us to help us tap into our own internal stages of energy. With that, an adult can behave like a child and a child can behave like an adult. Physicality is an illusion. Titles keep us separated from the truth. I know this.
Clairity then went on to say, “knowing people carry pain over several lifetimes, and knowing they have higher vibrational versions of themselves, doesn’t minimize, nor negate, the fact that their current awareness is unhealthy for you. It is for this reason it is perfectly acceptable to love someone from a distance. It is also perfectly acceptable to accept another for where they are at in life rather than simply see the potential within them. It is important to let the current versions of them go. Knowing you are loved immensely by all of their higher selves. Do you agree with this?”.
Yes, Yes I do.
“Excellent Clair. Now, what have you come to learn about love?, and, how does this tie into Chris Martin with Coldplay?”
Calling me out again Clairity I see? Alrighty then. Let’s do this!
LivWithClairity 
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