(Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I thought about Clairity’s question, “what’s the reason you attracted partners whom you believe were victims of circumstances?” for quite some time. I decided to journey down the rabbit hole of each of my committed partnerships.
Over the course of several days, I revisited my relationship with Albert, Bill, and Rosie. I chose them because at the back of my mind, I was still curious as to the way it all tied in with my dad. My dad’s words, “I thought daughters date men who are like their fathers? The men who have been in Clair’s life are nothing like me”, kept me motivated to uncover the truth. Albert, Bill, and Rosie, were who my ego was attached to. Were they all like my father? How exactly does it all tie in?
When Albert and I met, we were young. Albert was nineteen. I was seventeen. Albert lived two townships over from me. I remember the time he came to pick me up for our first in-person date. The reason I remember is because his truck, I think 1967 Ford?, was loud. You could hear his truck’s muffler from another block away. The other reason I remember is because there was no heat inside the cab. In addition, the truck was creatively painted black with neon green and pink pin stripping down the sides. My father’s racism had a field day with that. He would refer to Albert’s truck as a “paki mobile” due to its bright colours.
“Did you catch it?”, Clairity whispered when I thought of my dad’s tasteless description of Albert’s truck.
“Catch what?”, I thought.
“When your father referred to Albert’s truck as a Paki mobile, what was triggered within your thought process?”.
My feeling surrounding it was anger. My thoughts were of my father blaming people for simply being born. My father also subliminally announced his superiority to others’ inferiority without having supported grounds in which to do so. My teenager inside became defensive. Therefore, I saw Albert as a victim of my dad’s judging ignorance.
“Very good Clair. Due to your own defensiveness, were you willing to see the ego within Albert?, or, did you choose to ignore his imbalances by labelling him a victim?”.
I chose to ignore his ego. I chose fear of being alone”.
If you chose fear of being alone, what mindset are you carrying?”, Clairity asked.
Ouch, truth can hurt sometimes. I was creating a life of victimhood because I saw myself as an innocent victim who was misjudged and left alone to solve my own problems. I also didn’t want to be alone because I didn’t have the confidence that I could be on my own. I didn’t trust myself enough to avoid people who would hurt me. If I got hurt, at least I had someone to help keep me safe. Even if that person didn’t see me as a priority.
It’s one thing to identify a mindset. It’s quite another thing to truly understand it. Clairity encourages further understanding by asking deeper questions. It’s not always fun. It is necessary for growth. With that, as much as I didn’t like this line of questioning, I knew illuminating the answer would help me change my hard wired ways.
“How were you creating a life of victimhood?”.
My parents passed judgment over Albert’s appearance by calling him a yuppie. They considered him antisocial and a pretty boy. My parents would have been considered blue collar. Albert appreciated finer quality items for his material gains and outward appearance.
When I met Albert I thought he was rather funny. He could make me laugh. He was also ambitious and only made fun of me by saying “the “e” sucked at the end of Clair(e)”.
My dad misspelt my name at birth, according to my mother. My name was supposed to have an “e” at the end of it. My mother taught me to spell my name as C.l.a.i.r.e.. My birth certificate reads, C.l.a.i.r.
Albert and I also loved downhill skiing together. We did have similar interests, including love for Disney and travel. When we were together, we had a lot of fun.
My parents didn’t see any of those qualities about Albert. Instead he was a joke to them, at least that was the message they sent me. With that, I closed my mind to my parents impression of him. I then overcompensated by remaining hyper focused on Albert’s good qualities of intelligence, wit, belief in inclusion, and his childlike adventurous spirit. Some of those qualities I had admired in my dad at one time. I ignored the fact that he was a workaholic, and rarely physically affectionate, which were also similar to that of my dad. Instead of seeing the truth in its entirety, Albert became an instant victim to my parents two-faced wrath. With that, I was dead set on proving my parents wrong.
Albert and I sailed away in the same metaphorical boat to the land of misfits inside my head. I was willing to protect us at all costs. Albert and I both became victims of harsh criticisms together. My ego bonded with Albert this way. Misery loves company.
In addition to that, I also had to prove I was someone worth being with. Especially when it came to Albert. Reason being, Albert told me that when he and my father went to a pub for a drink just before we moved in together, my father said, “do you know what you are getting yourself into by living with Clair? Good luck with that”, then chuckled right before swigging back another beer. Albert told me my dad’s words scared him.
My dad scared Albert and crushed me all in one breath. That’s a fabulous start to a potential lifelong commitment. With that, I played “good girl with no complaints” for as long as I could with Albert. I had to prove I was lovable. I had to prove my parents wrong.
“Correct Clair. You saw Albert as a victim so you wanted to protect him. So much so that you ignored what he was telling you. Albert told you from the beginning that his career ambition, travel, and toys, were a top priority to him. You chose to remain blind to this truth until after your children were born. Your love for your children, as well as seeing them as innocent victims, being unimportant to their dad, created a new quest for you. Can you see it?”, Clairity asked.
Yes, I can see it. If I were brutally honest with myself, I can see how I used Albert to rescue me from my parents’ house. As well as the fact that I had chosen him knowing I would be neglected by him. I wanted to prove to myself that I was a victim. Albert was a perfect candidate to help me stay inside my victim’s mind. That’s exactly what ended up happening. We both used each other to get out of where we were at. Neither one of us was truly in love. We were both secret misfits living in a “misery loves company” partnership. Proving that neither one of us truly loved ourselves, let alone each other.
Albert came from a broken home. His father was an alcoholic. My dad’s drink of choice was beer. Albert’s dad’s go to drink was whiskey. Albert’s dad made fun of him. He would refer to Albert as his mistake. My dad made fun of everybody.
My mum made fun of me and called me “It”. Albert’s mum wasn’t very affectionate. My mum wasn’t very affectionate. Albert and I bonded through our similar pain. We both chose to be victims of our own self-made circumstances.
“Clair, your mum said something to you after you moved in with Bill. What was it?”, Clairity nudged.
My mum said, “you are looking for your dad in Bill”.
“What was your very first thought when your mum said that?”.
I thought, my mum was right.
“Good Clair. What was right about it? In what ways were your dad and Bill similar?”.
That’s a bloody good question. Did I actually marry my dad?
LivWithClairity 
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