(Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
After the concert, around the second week of August, 2024, Rosie’s mum decided to lock me out of the house again. It was the third time she made it known that she didn’t like me by locking me out. The second time was when we crossed paths whilst I was returning from the store. She looked at me irritably. When I arrived back at the house, the front door was locked. Rosie’s mum did leave the side door open. With that said, the interaction outside let me know she was not pleased with me.
I have a daily challenge. I read facial cues, body cues, and vibrational frequencies easily. Knowing the hidden truth means I can know hidden truths, whilst at the same time, I must be tactful on my delivery of this information. If no one is likely to believe me, I remain quiet. If it is none of my business, I remain quiet. If I know a person is open to receive the information, and it is morally correct to divulge it, I share my concerns and insights.
In the instance of crossing paths with Rosie’s mum, I chose silence. There wasn’t enough evidence to strengthen my voice. I was also aware of how strong of a bond Rosie had with his mother. They would speak several times a day by phone and in person. I was placed into a sensitive position. With that, I didn’t speak of the interaction between Rosie’s mother and I with Rosie. I did tell him his mother locked me out the third time though.
It was sometime during the second half of the second week in August, 2024, when Rosie and I had our last walk together with Kody. I had informed Rosie of his mother’s choice to lock me out. I once again voiced my disdain for being in a competition I didn’t sign up for.
On that fateful night Rosie suggested a solution for the income restrictions I was dealing with. “Perhaps you should call family services to see if there are funds available to you?”.
My instant response was shock. Then I responded to Rosie’s insensitive suggestion with, “I already know what they would say. I have been down that road several times. Do you realize how much mental strength is required when on welfare? It is a trap. Most people end up staying in that lifestyle because there is little wiggle room to break out of it”.
Rosie’s response to my reminder was, “you’re strong enough. You can do it”.
Rosie knew I had struggles with the government. I was turned away from the government for two reasons. First the Canadian government said there wasn’t enough medical data to prove I was unable to physically work. Therefore, I must work. Second, the government informed me that couch surfing is a form of income. In order for me to qualify to be placed on the list for financial aid, I would have had to be living on the street, without assistance, for three consecutive months first.
When Rosie suggested I contact the government once again, it was a slap in the face. Since Rosie wasn’t ignorant to my physical challenges, nor was he ignorant to the government’s response to my claims, Rosie basically said to my ego, “you have to make us money. Your efforts are nice but not as important as money”. I felt like what I did for them didn’t matter. I instantly shut down from Rosie.
As we were coming to the end of that walk I looked at Rosie and said, “we’ve been together almost ten years. The only time you asked me to marry you was when shit hit the fan. If you truly wanted to marry me, you would have asked me by now”.
A part of me wonders if it was actually Clairity that blurted that out. I was an emotional wreck. The government suggestion triggered my teenager. I was pissed and heartbroken. Rosie stopped in his tracks. We were standing in yet another parking lot. Rosie was holding Kody’s leash, standing under the parking lot’s street light. The scene reminded me of the night Rosie took me on his drunken Autobahn adventure.
“I am afraid of commitment. You know that”, was all Rosie could say.
I let out a big affirming sigh and said, “yes, I know.”
With that, in my mind, we were over. I called Liv the next day and told her I had had enough. I was too tired to fight for something that was obviously not mine to fight.
Liv acted upon the information quickly. She and Aiden bought me a cell phone, rearranged their schedule, packed up their babies in the van, and came to get me on August, 27, 2024.
Liv knew all about my struggles with the Canadian Government. She was also aware of Rosie’s past with me. I filled her in on Rosie’s mum’s perception of me, and Rosie’s response to a commitment. Liv knew I needed out of there.
God sent me an earth angel. Liv, in my eyes, is an earth angel. I am grateful to be her mum. I am honored to have been gifted such beautiful souls whom I call my girls. I am proud of the women my girls grew up to be. Laura, and Liv, you are my biggest blessings. I love you to the moon and back, everyday.
That had to be written. Thank you reader for taking that little detour of awareness with me. I tell ya, you’d be blessed if you knew my girls too. They are awesome people.
The week leading up to the twenty-seventh was awkward, intense, and quiet. I told Rosie that I was ready to leave. He kept his distance from me. Neither one of us spoke to the other much, if at all. Rosie’s kids kept their distance as well. Not because they knew I was leaving, more so because they knew I was emotionally distancing myself from them. I can respect that. I told Rosie I would follow his directions when it came to informing his kids and mother. I said I would keep quiet unless he gave me the okay to speak with them about it. Rosie decided by lack of action, not to inform the kids.
The reason Liv and I chose the twenty-seventh to leave was because it was a Sunday. Rosie, Rosie’s mum, and the kids often went to church on Sundays. I figured that was a good time to peacefully leave. I also thought that would be healthier for Rosie’s kids. My heart broke at the idea of them witnessing my departure.
“Rosie are you still willing to help me get back to Fredericton?”.
I asked that because when I had first agreed to reconcile, Rosie said he would get me back to Fredericton if ever I thought we were unhealthy. He kept his word, somewhat. Rosie gave me fifty dollars Canadian to help Liv and Aiden with their gas expense. I know money isn’t the be all and end all. With that said, Rosie gave me fifty dollars for an eight hour drive back to New Brunswick. His generosity highlighted who he really was. It reaffirmed my decision to leave. I knew he was only behaving and not changing.
That Sunday, Rosie, or his mum, not certain, decided not to go to church. They were all home the day I left. It was a delicate situation for me. Before Liv arrived, I had asked Rosie if I could take the desk clamped microphone he bought me with me. Rosie said no. Next Rosie asked me a question.
“Clair, are you leaving the whiskey claret here? You did give it to me”.
I thought, what the fuck! I can’t take the microphone to build a podcast, but you want the pinwheel crystal I brought?
I did gift it to him. I had that crystal since 2006 when I opened the spiritual center, Tranquil Spirit. I brought it as a gift for when we had our own home. My goal was to have a selection of drinks in a home bar for when we had guests over. I am not much of a drinker. With that said, I do enjoy being hospitable with my guests. I thought the whiskey claret decanter would make a beautiful addition.
“Yes Rosie. You can keep it, although I think you’ll probably sell it some day”.
“No, I won’t”, Rosie retorted.
I had already packed all my belongings and had them by the basement door to the front entrance of the house. Liv kept me updated on where they were en route to Rosie’s. When I knew they were about five minutes away, I collected my things and sat outside by the front door. Since I was sitting there peacefully, I decided to do a TikTok video about the dangers of sacrificing yourself for another. Once the recording was finished and uploaded, Rosie came to the door.
“Do you want to take this?”.
Rosie passed me a box of items Alyssa had given me. Alyssa wanted to call me mom so there was writing to that effect on the box. Inside was a stuffy, some arts and crafts, and a picture of her and I that she had taken on her camera. The camera spit out old film that became clear after you expose it to air. I looked sickly in that photo. I decided that all I wanted was the photo.
I chose the photo for two reasons. First, Alyssa was in the picture. I loved her like she was my own. We bonded a fair bit. Secondly, I was super skinny in that picture. I took it as a symbol of “before and after”. Having that picture could be used as a healthy comparison to see where I was within my health spectrum to where I planned on being within that same spectrum.
“I’ll take the picture”.
I grabbed it out of the box and said no thank you to the rest. Rosie also offered to continue to supply me with marijuana if I so chose. Rosie was on a medical plan through his employer. He had a healthy allowance to secure medical marijuana. Rosie received a large quantity each month. With that, he shared with me to help with my legs. In fact, I’d say, I used more of the supply than Rosie ever did.
I knew what Rosie was doing. Rosie was using Alyssa’s box, and the marijuana as a gold nugget to keep me in his life in some capacity. Unfortunately what Rosie didn’t realize was I remembered this tactic by way of the stuffed bear, Rosie junior, that he had given to me back in 2017. It was emotional manipulation packaged inside a cute piece of memorabilia. With that, I declined his offer of supplying me with health benefits, and the remaining items in the box.
When Liv arrived, everyone was upstairs. We packed my luggage in the van without Rosie’s kids or mother being any the wiser, or, at least I think that was the case? After the van was packed, I went back into the house for one more quick run through. Then I got down to the floor to give Kody an extremely emotionally painful goodbye hug.
I knew Rosie wouldn’t have let me keep Kody so I left him there. My heart still breaks knowing I left Kody with them. They weren’t very attentive to Kody. I’m not entirely confident Rosie still has Kody. I suspect he gave him away just like he did with the two previous dogs we had. This of course is mere speculation and not based on knowing facts.
After saying my goodbyes to Kody, Rosie spoke up and said, “goodbye Clair”. I responded with, “goodbye Rosie”. Then, I left.
Driving away from Rosie’s house was relieving and emotionally devastating at the same time. It was an excruciating experience. With that said, my friendly rabbit, Jack, handed me my highschool graduation diploma and another key. The door in my mind that Jack was standing in front of read, “Welcome to University. Are you ready to unlearn the rest of what you learned?”.
Yes. Yes, I am.
LivWithClairity 
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