(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I went for many walks with Kody. Rosie’s mum triggered me often. Her mannerisms and demand for respect were extremely familiar to me. My mum and her would have had plenty of things to talk about, had they spoken the same earthly language.
Both Rosie’s mum and my mum saw me as a burden, who was lazy, withdrawn, and ungrateful. Both Rosie’s mum and my mum saw me as someone who put herself on a high horse. My mum used to say to me, “oh, get off your high horse Clair”.
It’s funny isn’t it? Well, not funny, haha, funny as in how we mirror one another? Rosie’s mum saw me as an interloafer who was full of herself. My mum thought I was ungrateful and full of myself. I believed I was a burden who wasn’t grateful enough.
Rosie’s mum, and my mum played their roles perfectly. My mum felt used by her parents by having to raise her younger siblings. Her little girl inside was burdened by having to grow up too fast. She was an adult before she was ready to be. With that, she grew to resent taking care of children. Her hidden resentment was then projected onto me. My mum secretly resented me for being conceived, let alone born.
I am not as familiar with Rosie’s mum’s story, nor is it my place to say. I can imagine fleeing Haiti for a better life when she did, coupled with raising a child on her own, would have been challenging and burdensome at times. In addition, Rosie mentioned to me that his mum often sent money she had to her family in Haiti. This may have been part of her trigger when it came to me having no money to contribute to the household? If this is the case, she would see me as a burden. Since I wasn’t working the way she understood work to be, she saw me as lazy and someone only with Rosie for his money. Rosie made close to 100k Canadian before taxes each year.
Rosie wasn’t rich by any means. He did have many cars and business ventures over the years though, so I assumed he didn’t have a lot to spare after having made large personal investments over the years. He also paid two different women child support for two of his three children each month.
He gave me the impression he was struggling during the Christmas of 2020. He may very well have been. Either way, I sent him two-thirds of the COVID relief fund I received that month to help him with presents for his kids. I also used the same amount so Rosie could get a second hand vehicle for me to use when I was helping him with his son and mum over his career advancement training that same year. He forgot about the different e-transfers I sent him over the years. As mentioned, I was under the impression he was struggling with money.
Money was still my enemy back then. My rejected little girl’s ego wanted Rosie to love her. She felt she needed to prove she was lovable. That’s the true reason for my being there. I also had to face the projections I was creating surrounding my experiences with my mum. Rosie’s mum was the perfect candidate to help me achieve that.
I believed I was an unlovable burden. I had to overcome this painful belief by recognizing my loving heart and mind. I had to see the value in what I was contributing in life. I also had to intellectualize it in order to set healthier boundaries. Each time I remembered something painful involving my mum, I meditated and spoke to that little girl inside me.
The walks I took with Kody were soulful. I shed a lot of tears. I called back the little girl called “It”. I called back the little girl left to defend herself. I called back the little girl who was told by her parents that she could have used the front door if she ever wanted to run away. I called back the little girl on the teenager’s lap. I called back the little girl who met Necklace Man. I called back the little girl who got drunk enough to be a sex doll for her best friend’s father. I called the little girl back from all the bullies in school.
I called my teenager who was told, “when you grow up, all you will become is a street worker”. My grade eight music teacher said that in front of my entire class. My teenager retaliated with, “Well sir, at least I have time to change. You’re stuck like that!”. I then grabbed my clarinet and walked out of his classroom. Good times.
I still had much to revisit in my mind. I had layers upon layers of suppressed memories to dissect and understand. I am still journeying in this way to this day. Life is a healing journey. Healing is where empowerment shines the brightest.
Every time I called my little girl back by speaking to her like a loving parent, and embracing the ten second hug rule with her, I became lighter, and more aware of my accountability to myself. I started to understand that in order to break a belief, you must be given the challenge to break it. The challenge is attracting someone who agrees with your internal beliefs you have of yourself.
There is always someone available to agree with you. I believed I was a burden. Rosie’s mum, my mum, and at times, Rosie, agreed with me. They saw me as a burden by projecting their experiences with other people onto me. We were a perfect blend to conquer each one of our toxic internal beliefs.
Once you can identify the commonality between one painful experience and another, you start to notice similarities in messaging. When you can see the similarities, you can see what you have been telling yourself all along. What you have been telling yourself, your inner child, and teenager hears, and then instantly reacts to your message.
Being unaware of how you create your world, and the people who act in it, creates quite an energetic conundrum. Your natural response is to defend, like a teenager, or cower, like a child. You gotta talk to the many versions of you, individually, like a loving parent would. After you have done that, you must step up and be their guardian. You must take accountability for attracting challenges which help to convince you of how little you think of your internal child. This is how you honor yourself. It is also how you break your sense of obligation to titles. At least, that’s how it worked for me. It may help you too?
In addition, you must be willing to learn new ways to select your social circles with a higher level of perception and understanding. When your ego tugs at you, you must be willing to listen the way a parent listens to their child speak. As you embrace all aspects of you, you become more whole. You then begin to naturally say no to discord by remaining distant from it. As you distance yourself, you begin to attract people who agree with your newly developed subconscious belief system. It takes a while to accomplish this. It’s a lifelong journey you committed too, myself included.
Becoming increasingly aware of the way I programmed myself to perceive my world allowed me to establish a sense of trust in myself. I kept reaffirming my promise to myself to always see the truth, and to keep all of me safe. Having that promise at the forefront of my mind caused me to become more present in any given moment. The awareness of staying present, strengthened my connection to the divine naturally.
With that, Clairity kept her energy soft and quiet throughout our trip to Toronto with Rosie for the Imagine Dragons concert. I still had much learning to do.
The two days away with Liv, Liv’s partner, and Rosie, were wonderful. The concert was fabulous from my perspective. I did catch a few brief red flags in my head during our travels though. I noticed Rosie didn’t interact much with Liv and Aiden. He only interacted with me when we were alone, or, when I acknowledged his presence by offering up something to talk about. Rosie was on his phone, sitting in the front passenger seat of the vehicle for several hours during our drive from Montreal to Toronto. As well as from Toronto back to Montreal. I thought, “gees you like Facebook Marketplace a lot”.
I didn’t know Facebook had a dating section too. I came to that awareness after I left Rosie for good. It makes sense as to the reason he was conversing with Isabel over Messenger. A puzzle piece has been clicked into place.
I am incredibly grateful for my walks with Kody. His gracious and patient companionship was highly welcomed. I saw him as a true friend. Kody rarely barked. He walked at my pace. He also sat or laid beside me when I was meditating. Kody was a brilliant, beautiful creature. I miss him dearly.
“Clair, what came to your mind when Rosie responded to your question right after the concert?”
I thought about it. I had asked Rosie if he liked the concert. His response was, “yeah it was alright. They didn’t play the song I like”.
With that, I responded to Clairity’s question with, “he reminded me of Bill. His response was meh. He chose to focus on what wasn’t good, rather than what was good about the experience”.
Clairity went on to ask, “what message did your little girl receive?”.
Boy does Clairity ask good questions. Painful ones, and good ones. “Rosie didn’t see the good in being with me. He didn’t see how special those few days could have been. Rosie was there out of obligation”.
Clairity went quiet for a bit whilst my ego felt the rejection. I came to realize that Rosie, like my ex-husband Bill, and my father, had a pessimistic view on life.
“Clair, I know you are timid when it comes to understanding the equal exchange of currency, with that said, how did you truly feel about being up high on the grassy area, rather than closer to the stage with your children? Were you truly okay with it?”.
I thought, bloody hell Clairity, you are hitting me right left and center with these truth bombs! Clairity quickly retaliated my thoughts with, “You are committed to seeing the truth aren’t you?”.
Yes. Yes I am.
I wasn’t overly thrilled with where we were located at the concert. There were no seats in our section. I brought a small foldable stool to use when my legs started reacting. I didn’t need to be close enough to see the band sweat. With that said, a little closer, where the amphitheatre chairs were located would have been nice.
“Do you remember Rosie showing concern over the concert ticket prices?”, Clairity asked.
Yes, he did hum and hah a fair bit. I could see his discomfort. I associated his reaction with having little money to spare.
As I started going down that rabbit hole thinking, Clairity pulled me back. “Clair, you accepted a settlement. You did this by convincing yourself that was all he could afford. Rosie’s budget may have been tight. With that said, what does he own? What does he do with what he owns? And how much does he spend frivolously? How often does he take care of your physical needs? Do you consider yourself a priority to him?”.
No sooner did Clairity ask that last question, I reactively responded with, “no. I am rarely a priority to Rosie”.
Clairity then responded with, “who does that remind you of?”.
Oh my goodness! I sound like my mum when she complained about my dad! Well will you look at that! “Mirror, mirror on the wall”, now comes with a new sense of meaning. I was living my mum’s life.
Rosie owned a luxury car, a used Jaguar, and a commercial fitted van for his mobile cleaning service. He also had another van but it went kaput after he lent it out to someone. In addition to this, three-quarters of the basement was filled floor to ceiling full of stuff. Rosie had the money. He just didn’t have the money for me after spending so much on himself.
“I love you Clair when I also say, wooing several women over the years becomes quite costly too”.
Ouch!, I thought. That must be true though. Clairity went on to say, “we will discuss your fear of money in time. For now, what is the other hidden layer to you settling for grassy tickets?”.
I didn’t want to be ungrateful.
“Excellent Clair. Well done. Do you see how you weaponized empathy against yourself? You knew you were grateful. You didn’t think other people knew that of you so you overcompensated by accepting their reduced effort in prioritizing you. You would show gratitude whilst inside feeling like what you received came with minimal effort. You empathize with people to stay in your comfort zone. Your little girl still feels like she can only be loved through obligation and necessity, as well as when she is being useful. Do you see this pattern through this concert experience?”
Yes, I can see it.
I thought long and hard about that concert. I thought about how Rosie only held my hand when he was ushering me through the crowd exiting the amphitheatre grounds. I thought about how often he was on his phone. Michelle’s name also popped into my head the day of the concert whilst I was sitting on a bench outside of the hotel. Rosie was inside the hotel room on his own for several minutes.
Clairity was pressuring me, with love, to see what I was refusing to see. The veil lifted on my very last walk with Rosie and Kody.
“Clair, what about going to the government for help?”. What the fuck Rosie, are you serious?!” Oh the pain I felt on that day.
LivWithClairity 
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