(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
In my previous entry, I had mentioned that Rosie and I had some interesting pillow talk the night of Alyssa’s birthday party. This written statement is incorrect. If my memory serves me correctly, Henry’s children had a sleep over the night of Alyssa’s birthday. I am quite certain the children had a slumber party. With that in mind, Rosie’s, and my conversation involving Clairity, was a few days, if not weeks, later.
It makes sense to me now that I thought more of it. I did have a habit of honoring a three day retreat period to process a difficult experience. My spiritual connection is a top priority in my world. After the three day process, I make a calculated decision about a long term investment I am making. Do I revisit the pain with a person to solve it?, or, would I be speaking with someone who has a deaf ear to me?” With that, before I made a final decision, I remained withdrawn from Rosie for those processing days.
I know where that subconscious habitual pattern is coming from. Withdrawing from people. My inner child is still accepting that she is allowed to share her pain. My little girl’s ego is timid. Once bitten, twice shy. My mother would say, “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about”. As well as, “don’t bring your problems into this house”.
“Clair is allowed to cry, scream, hurt, and be loud. She is also coming to terms with the fact that she does not have to know all the answers before thinking of herself, nor before expressing herself. In fact, if she continues to hold onto the fear of ignorance with, “what if I am wrong?”, she will continue to trap herself in her little cave.
To know everything, you would be all knowing. That is a collective contribution, not a singular one. Believing otherwise would be maintaining a frequency of arrogance. Clair must finish grieving. She must accept herself as a student who knows what she does not know. She must also recognize, and honor what she does know. She must share herself lovingly with the world. To do that, she must accept herself, and her mum. She must release her mum’s words, “you cried all the time. You wouldn’t stop crying”. She must also release the words, “if you are not baptized you will go straight to hell” from God fearing individuals. Otherwise, she will reject true love, and divine peace from her life experience.
One must know to give. One must receive to know. Sharing your inner world with another is a part of this give and take process”.~ Clairity
I recognize today, retreating within myself is equally a form of rejection. When I withdrew, I gatekept what I experienced and learned. I was afraid to bring up a topic that was hurting me. Once I made an initial effort, and was rejected, I chose silence. I created an energy of trepidation within myself any time I relived a wounding experience in my mind. I reflected the polar opposite lens to that of Rosie’s. I projected Rosie as someone for me to fear being wrong with. Rosie projected me as someone to fear because I was often intuitively correct.
My fear told me to “be quiet, I could be wrong”. Rosie’s fear told him to “be quiet, she could be correct”. Neither of us communicated effectively with one another.
Rosie naturally dismissed my concerns. “Don’t bring your problems into my house”, sort of dismissal, just like my mum. Rosie had often lied by omission as well. The lie was beautifully positioned inside a sliver of truth. Just a little bit of knowledge, not enough to truly understand me. Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies, sort of deal.
I did the exact same thing to Rosie. I may not have cheated on him, nor intentionally manipulated him, I did only offer bits of information about me. I answered the questions he asked me. I basically lied by omission because he didn’t know how deep of a connection I had with spirit. Rosie had no idea how I received answers to my questions to spirit. I rarely divulged the way I observed people. I knew I was making myself small for him. I was reading him. I too lied to Rosie by omission. I started to see our inevitable demise. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself, nor him, yet.
“Ask me no questions, I shall tell you no lie”, was an expression my father would say. It seems my father was telling me he was a fibber, without actually using the word fibber. It’s the same thing as calling yourself an asshole without actually calling yourself an asshole.
I’m not a fibber. I know this about myself. Since I know this and have confidence in my strength, and courage to see the truth, I know my dad wasn’t speaking to me when he would say, “ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies”. As well as, “you can’t bullshit a bullshitter”. He was seeing his own reflection through me. My dad was telling me he could not be trusted.
It’s funny how that mirror works, isn’t it?”. The truth has always been important to me, so much so, whenever I was caught defending someone, my mother would often say, “that mouth is going to get you into trouble!”. My mother was correct. I was often in physical altercations, and school office time outs. Diplomacy came in my much later years.
I extend my apologies to you for being a wee bit off when it comes to my timelines. There may be a few timeline errors within my entries. I value your perception in recognizing my perception can be limited at times. Thank you kindly.
With that being said, my mind being able to recall minute details of events, including conversations, blows my mind. I locked them away inside me for so long. I had forgotten so much, and yet, no, I was simply storing the data for later use. Existing is so cool, isn’t it!? It is such a privilege to learn about yourself. I love it.
I remember speaking with Rosie about his mother’s rejection tactic. “My mum didn’t do that Clair”, Rosie said to dismiss my observation.
“Yes Rosie, she did. She doesn’t want me here”, I insisted. Rosie’s denial response to that was, “I didn’t see her reject you”. I called him on it. “You were standing right there! You were right behind the chair when your mum stood up”. Rosie had no response to that.
After a moment of silence Rosie started to paint me another picture in my mind. “Clair, I don’t know how to fix this. I want you here. The kids want you here. I am working on my mum. Please have patience. I feel stuck in the middle”.
That was Rosie’s, not verbatim, response, anytime I brought up his mum. Every time he responded with that form of messaging, I thought, “you don’t see what I see”. I wasn’t quite aware of his manipulation to convince me to ignore my feelings. I wasn’t completely aware of how fluent he was in orchestrating heartstrings. Rosie was a one man show with his little violin playing, heartstring strumming orchestra. I was more focused on Rosie’s mum at that time though. Today, I am much more aware of the truth.
On the night Clairity spoke through me, we were having another conversation about the oppressive energy in the house. I mentioned to Rosie that he must observe his mum to see the hidden patterns. I knew he loved his mum. He thought extremely high of her. Rosie had placed his mum on a proverbial pedestal. I also knew he was afraid to be vulnerable with her.
In my mind, Rosie had to overcome his fear. Otherwise, he and I would crumble. “I am doing my best to get her to understand. I am not at the level you are at. You know I am doing my best?”
I sighed and thought, “how long do I need to be your teacher? This is draining me”. I also secretly cringed anytime Rosie put me on a spiritual pedestal. Putting someone on a proverbial pedestal is setting that person up for a stressful fall. I prefer to see both dark and light in people, therefore, no one sits on a pedestal. I wouldn’t want to add the responsibility of my high perception of them on their shoulders. I prefer not to have that pressure on mine either.
I provided Rosie with an increase in awareness. His ability to communicate morally, and effectively by keeping all parties in mind, flourished beautifully. He gained a great deal of tact and diplomacy, both written and verbal from me. I have no idea, nor is it my business to know, if he has been able to successfully maintain his new found knowledge.
Rosie also became more tolerant with his children. He came to learn of their hidden fears. Rosie also started to reflect some empathy towards his children’s reactions and moods. Rosie softened up by allowing his feminine energy to emerge a little. I do give him complete recognition and due kudos for his honest progress. He made that conscious choice for himself, not for me, I hope.
There is no doubt in my mind that Rosie loves his children. I also have no doubt in my mind that Rosie fears he isn’t a good father. He most certainly can be. He must be willing to conquer his fear first. Until then, he will repeat his mother’s parental style, no doubt.
Rosie was most certainly putting in an effort to improve himself. Rosie was also offered a great deal of support by many people around him. From mental health providers, physiotherapists, chiropractors, massage therapists, medical, and dental professionals, employers, other counselors, family services, his mum, his cousin and other family members, his children, my daughter Liv, and me. He truly was a blessed soul. More so than he realized.
Rosie learned because Rosie did have good intentions when it came to his family. Rosie’s continued development in this area was what kept my heartstring attached to him for that entire year I was living with them. His growth achievements were glorified by my rejected little girl’s ego.
Whilst I was thinking how tired I was from being his and his children’s spiritual teacher, Clairity took over. “Rosie, did you speak with a woman behind my back, sometime around my birthday?”
Oh no, here we go again, I thought.
I looked straight into Rosie’s eyes. My stomach fluttered. I already knew the answer. When Clairity speaks, I know some painful truth is about to be illuminated. Rosie showed fear in his eyes. I suspect his mind went back to the hotel room with Uriel. I suspect he knew he was, for the lack of a better term, fucked.
Rosie, like his mum, is a God fearing individual. He may not be a devout follower, he did get his belief system rattled a wee bit. I can’t say I blame him. I’d be scared too if I was in his position. I can imagine, he, like me, wonders if I did in fact channel an angel? Like Santa Claus, let’s believe, just in case.
“yeah, I did speak to an old friend. She called me out of the blue to see how I was doing”.
My ego took over, “what’s her name?, and who is she exactly?”.
Rosie knew by my face he’d best give me more than a morsel of truth. “She’s one of the women I had been with before. She’s from the past. She’s not important”.
“Was it Isabel?”, I inquired.
“No, it wasn’t her”.
“Who was it then?”. I wasn’t backing down.
“Michelle”.
“Michelle! Another new name. First it’s Wendy. Then it’s Carla”. Rosie interjected, “I didn’t sleep with Carla”. “Then it’s Isabel. Now it’s Michelle. How many women did you sleep with!?”
My face must have looked other worldly to Rosie. He looked at me like a deer stuck in the gaze of headlights, then looked down. “There were eight”, Rosie sheepishly responded.
“Eight! Eight?, are you fucking serious. How many did you sleep with more than once? How many affairs did you have?”. My inner world was saying, a person always underestimates their discrepancies. The number twelve popped into my head.
I didn’t want to hear the answer to the question, how many women did you sleep multiple times with? I also knew I wasn’t really the one who was asking.
“Four of them”.
I wanted to be sick. This was torture. I’m sure it was torturous for Rosie too.
“Why didn’t you block her? If we are working to build a solid relationship, why didn’t you block your past affairs? I blocked Joel. Even when he called me in 2022 from a private number, I informed him that I was committed to you. I asked him to respect my wishes and not call me. He respected my wishes. You on the other hand, you kept the line of communication open with Michelle and who knows who else? What the fuck!?”.
I don’t know if I was speaking to be heard, or speaking just to get my pent up, oppressed energy out of my system.
Rosie’s response to the fifth inquisition was, “I told her that I was living with my mum and my girlfriend. I told her about you being here. I’m kind of proud of myself, aren’t you?”
At first I had no words. Then I said, “almost ten years later, and I have finally graduated to your live-in girlfriend. Really?”
I went quiet for a bit after that. I retreated within myself for days on end. I kept asking myself why I was there? What the fuck was I doing? Rosie hasn’t changed. Michelle is from his past. Is Rosie setting up his insurance policy?, or, was his conversation with Michelle similar to my closing conversation with Joel? God, what are you guiding me to do? I didn’t realize Clairity and the universe was gearing us up for a grand finale.
The final exams to my life experiences with Rosie were about to take place. The only cheat sheet I had was my boundaries. Let’s do this!
LivWithClairity 
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