(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I walked Kody everyday when I lived with Rosie and his family. He became my little friend. He was such an intelligent dog. Kody made it easy for me to walk him. I was able to successfully, with his help, train him to sit and wait at each crosswalk, before crossing the street. Kody also understood two languages, english, and french. It was also rare that I had to be firm with him to stop pulling me. Having Kody by my side was a gift from the divine.
Spirit knew I was going to need Kody’s companionship. I think that’s the reason my God granted my request for a well trained, four year old, intelligent, gentle temperament, dog. Oh you’re asking for Kody! Coming right up! Poof, there he was. My perfect little companion from spirit.
When we first acquired Kody, Rosie and I would walk him together. As time passed, Rosie was less inclined to come with Kody and I. I was okay with it. I enjoyed, and still do enjoy, my quiet time alone. It’s in my alone time when I hear Clairity the loudest. In my alone time I was also focused on making educational videos, and maintaining a relatively clean house. I did experience twinges of disappointment when Rosie declined my offer of joining us though. I was also okay with it too.
You ever get that? A twinge of disappointment mixed in with a nonchalant view of it? Those little twinges are the signals that grow into a full blown trigger. It is wise to capture them the moment it happens. Otherwise you would end up experiencing compounding emotional PTSD. This is not a clinical term, that I am aware of, when I refer to it as Compounding Emotional Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, C.E.PTSD. It is simply my way of explaining it.
For me, C.E.PTSD is an emotionally charged experience which repeats itself enough to get to the point of uncontrollable and extreme reactions. When a person suffers with naturally placing the underlayers of emotions aside, they create a trigger to remind them of them. A trigger could be as simple as a no response to an invitation. It’s that simple, and that complex.
When I wasn’t alone, I was with Rosie working at his car detailing business with him. I helped him clean the fancy sports cars and luxury vehicles he maintained. At one point he had gotten trained to become certified in car wrapping, in Ottawa, Ontario. Rosie, the kids and I, had all gone to Ottawa over a three day period to support him. The kids weren’t in school at the time so Rosie thought it would be a good idea for all of us to go with him.
I secretly knew he didn’t know what to do for the kids over their summer break. He also knew I would take care of them for him. Rosie also felt his mum would be okay at home alone on the South shore of Montreal. I believe it was towards the end of June, or the beginning of July, 2024? I honestly can’t remember exactly when we went.
I remember when he told his mum we were heading to Ottawa from Thursday to Sunday for Rosie’s professional training. Her response to him was, “what about me? I am supposed to go to the rec center on Friday. Oh nevermind, I will take a bus. Help me figure out the bus route and schedule”. Rosie offered to set up an uber service for her. She declined and was adamant about taking the bus.
Rosie felt guilty. I suspected he would. What I observed in that moment was a little girl ego who feared rejection. Rosie’s mum then manipulated Rosie by making his potential winning moment into her victim moment. “But what about me? Am I not important to you? Does no one think of me?”. If that wasn’t what her inner child was crying about, her energy was most certainly expressing this message within her pain.
As I have mentioned in my previous blog entries, Rosie kept his plate full. I too, often pleaded with Rosie, telling him he had no space in his life for me. I had empathy for Rosie’s mum. I understood her pain from perceived rejection. As much as I had empathy for her, I still clearly recognized her ego. My mum was like that with me.
I can empathize with my mum today because I walked the same loveless path that she did. All three of us, my mum, Rosie’s mum, and me, all suffered from a sense of rejection. It still pains me to know that I am less thought of in my mum’s mind even though I can understand her.
My mum used to complain that my dad rarely did things with her. When I wasn’t attentive enough to her needs, my mum would accuse me of being ungrateful. One memory my mum still holds me in a negative light for is a trip she took me on in September, 2012. It was shortly after my separation with Bill, my second husband. My mum surprised me with a fourteen day Mediterranean cruise. I was excited to go. I trained my body for months leading up to our departure day. I was determined to go on every excursion without cramp getting in my way. I am truly grateful for that experience. I loved everything about the cruise and the places we went to. I have a dream to this day to go on a cruise with my person some day, thanks to my mum’s gift of adventure.
My mum on the other hand, believes I was not in the least attentive to her, nor grateful. She felt I left her to her own devices more than I did things with her. My father was like that with my mum, so with me also being a smoker like my dad back then, my mum saw my dad in me, rather than me. She accused me of being ungrateful to her. She was being taken for granted by me in her eyes because my dad often took my mum for granted.
What my parents do not know is on one of my walks with Kody, Clairity explained what that trip with my mum was truly all about. My dad is six feet, three inches tall. They had center seats in economy class on a flight from Boston to Venice, Italy. My dad had poor knees. Mine and my mum’s cabin was on one of the lowest decks. It was a small inside cabin with two double bed sized bunk beds. My dad wasn’t comfortable with small confined spaces. It’s what they could afford. My mum wanted the trip. She was bored with her life and needed to get away. My dad didn’t want to go so they thought of “surprising” me as if it was a “gift” for me all along. I may know this, I am still extremely grateful for the trip. I personally loved it.
On a different walk with my good friend Kody, I thought about the trip to Ottawa. Rosie was prideful and looking for reassurance when we were disagreeing on something. “Ottawa was fun wasn’t it? It was a nice mini vacation, right?”. I said yes, when inside I thought, no.
Rosie was gone all day at his training. I enjoyed the day with his children. I took them to a couple of museums so that they could learn some cool things. At one point we were locked out of the car in downtown Ottawa whilst Rosie was a few townships over, closer to Kanata. Rosie had forgotten to give me the car key.
Ottawa had become increasingly rough over the years. Jean, and Alyssa were scared of being down in the city center. They stuck to me like glue, thank goodness. There were intoxicated, and drug addicted people wandering or sitting on the streets. There were used needles on the ground. People were arguing amongst each other. It was an extremely unkind place to be. In a way it felt like the kids and I went through a portal into hell.
The kids and I walked for blocks on end to find some resemblance of a park they could play at. We found one so they were kept occupied and found their childhood laughter again. Other than that, the kids and I went to the mall and ate at the food court. Rosie had to get a ride into Ottawa from one of his classmates. He arrived around 5:00 pm that evening. The kids and I were roaming the streets of Ottawa for almost eight hours. Fun times.
In the evenings we went out to dinner. One night Rosie treated us to a lovely restaurant called “The Mandarin”. I enjoyed it. The kids loved it. Rosie enjoyed it as well as far as I could tell. The other days and nights we ate fast food or the food we had packed to take with us. The rest of the time there, I watched the kids swim in the hotel pool. We all slept together in the same hotel room at night. It was a supportive trip, not a family oriented one in the least.
When Rosie clearly showed signs of needing reassurance that his bare minimum was enough for me, I knew he hadn’t changed. I started to see his inconsistencies and his ego. I could see them because I had set a firm boundary in place. I am worth far more than the bare minimum. In order to set a boundary, you must be willing to see the gaps. I was definitely starting to see the gaps.
When I saw my kids for the first time after nine months, and Rosie’s mum made it all about her, as well as a new woman named Michelle popping into the picture, I started on my silent exit strategy. Jack was once again at my door with a key in hand. The door read “only ask questions you truly want to know the answer to”.
LivWithClairity 
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