(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read this at your discretion. 18+)
As Rosie and I approached the wooden bench, we talked about his life. I asked him how his children were doing. He acknowledged that the kids were doing reasonably well. He mentioned that they missed me, and that there were still some issues surrounding their mother. I then inquired about the well-being of his mum. He acknowledged her overall well-being, then proceeded to tell me about the new house he was buying.
Rosie didn’t tell me his mother was a co-investor in the house alongside him at that stage of our reconnection. He simply mentioned that the house was big enough for his mum to live there too. Since Rosie and I had talked briefly from time to time about us living together, and that I too welcomed his mother in a granny suite of some kind, I naively ignored the wisdom to ask him to give further details. I was genuinely happy for him. Even if I was a wee bit naive still. Oh how we learn in hindsight .
As mentioned in the previous entry of this blog series, I asked Rosie an important question when we first sat down on the bench by the stream. Pleasantries were over by this point, so I got straight down to the reason I allowed him near me. I asked him, “what have you learned about yourself since we have been apart?”.
“I know I fucked up. I don’t really know why”, he responded.
My ego was front and center. I was not sitting in a spiritual guru state whatsoever. I said, “you lied to me. You made me doubt God. You made me doubt my intuition. You were lying the entire time Rosie”.
“Not the entire time. I do love you. I wasn’t seeing you before. I’ve been watching some of your videos. I came to understand that a true apology isn’t simply the acknowledgment of an action. A true apology requires an understanding of what caused the action, how the other person would feel, and then make a commitment to course correct the behavior”, Rosie explained.
Rosie was taking notes in my absence. Not only was my ego in full bloom, she was standing at full attention after hearing those ego boosting words. Oh a man finally sees my intelligence, ego stroked. I thought to myself, keep going Rosie. What else have you come to learn from my insightful messages? (Ego, down girl, down). Eww wee, it’s important to remain humble. Check, check, double check. Lesson learned.
Rosie went on with his further love bombing. “I wasn’t paying enough attention to you. I was focused on so many different things. You told me you would love to see the fall leaves. I didn’t take you. You enjoy more affection. I wasn’t affectionate towards you very often”, Rosie explained through an interesting lens of accountability.
I say, an interesting lens because today, I can see the manipulation. First, Rosie rushed through, if not skipped over details about his extra affairs on the side. He swiftly moved into what he learned from me through my videos. He was guiding my ego. Rosie is a highly intelligent man, indeed. Next, he highlighted my desires. Which means, he knew them all along. He chose to starve me of bonding time and affection. Instead, because the relationship is at its breaking point, and Rosie had a reputation to uphold, he couldn’t predict what I would do with what I knew of him. In his mind, he was scared of me divulging all of the work I had done for him behind the scenes. He also feared the possibility of anyone from his past work history finding out certain details of some of his, not so morally attuned, decision making. In other words, Rosie truly didn’t take the time to know me.
Rosie feared I would retaliate like his ex, Gemma. He wasn’t willing to take that risk. I knew too much about him. What he was willing to do was to win me back at all costs. Then semi commit to me for as long as I remained oblivious to his true intentions. Since he knew he was starving me of quality time, and quality affection my ego so desperately needed, he knew exactly how to say sorry to the little girl inside me. With that, Rosie continued his grand love bombing ways with, “I recognize I need to put in more effort. I know you are a priority. I recognize we need to communicate more. I am truly sorry for hurting you. Please forgive me? You are my best friend”.
“Rosie, it’s really good to hear you take accountability. There are deeper reasons for why you do what you do. You said you didn’t know why you cheated. It’s best you figure that out. You have a pattern of it. You cheated on Gemma with me. You cheated on me. Did you cheat on your eldest son’s mother as well?”.
Rosie responded in the affirmative. I then followed his confirmation with, “you gotta go back in your life and see from your younger self’s perspective. Understand what is causing these impulses inside of you. Get to the root of your fear of commitment. Also, it would be wise to ask your mum some questions about your dad. You have missing pieces. You’re curious, yet you won’t ask her about any details?”
At that point, other nature walkers approached. My legs also needed a stretch. We decided that it was our cue to get up and start walking back to the car.
“I know I should talk with my mom about it. I do wonder how I came to be. Why I don’t have siblings, and why I don’t have a dad. It’s a bit challenging to talk with my mom about it. Perhaps conceiving me was hard for her?”, Rosie explained.
“Well, you would know a hell of a lot more about yourself if you do. I can imagine it would be challenging to talk with her about it though”.
I responded, lovingly. I had a mum who was difficult to talk to. I could empathize.
“I’ll talk about it more with my therapist”, Rosie offered up as a quick way to end that topic. I acknowledged and said, “good plan. That would probably be good for you”. With that, we were back in his car, headed towards Liv’s place.
As we drove the twenty minutes or so drive, my heart softened up to Rosie. Rosie did know how to pull at my heartstrings. I also knew how to give him the strings to hold in the bloody first place. Accountability for all must be had. I do acknowledge my naive gesture of handing Rosie my heart and mind blindly.
On the drive back, I thought about Rosie as a child, being abandoned by his dad and having a mum who worked three jobs to make ends meet. I quickly thought about my dad and the fact that parental abandonment can look like both parents are home. Sometimes having a body, with no sincere loving interaction, is abandonment. That’s the style of abandonment wound I carried. What I empathized with Rosie in his car was the fact that he was carrying a fear of abandonment. Which then fed his fear of commitment.
Empathy can be a harmful weapon for yourself sometimes. I was no different in weaponizing empathy against myself. I would empathize with a person to the point of feeling guilty if I pressed them further with the pain I felt by their actions. Empathy is my go to skill. Today, I utilize empathy in a much more discerning way. Thanks to Clairity’s helpful guidance.
Rather than observe Rosie closely, like Clairity had advised, my ego was directly focused on understanding his psyche from a victim’s perspective. I was continuing to see Rosie as a victim of his circumstances. If you recall in the last entry, Clairity whispered, “see, past what you see.” What she was referring to was look beyond your physical eyes. See the energy. See the intentions. See yourself. See the bigger picture. Observe, rather than react. I missed that part of Clairity’s class that day it seems.
As we were about to turn onto the long street Liv lived on, Rosie said, “it was really nice to see you. I miss you. Thank you so much for agreeing to see me. It means a lot to me”.
With my heart turning to mush after him saying that, I replied, “are you driving back to Montreal today?, or, are you staying at a hotel?”.
Rosie was quick to respond. “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. All I knew was I needed to see you. The kids are with their mom. I just got in my car and came. I don’t have any solid plan. The only plan I have is to stop in and see Dante for a quick visit before heading home”. Dante is Rosie’s eldest son with a different mother. He lived in a small town in New Brunswick. Closer to the border of New Brunswick and Quebec.
“I would hate for you to have to drive all the way back now. That’s too much driving, even for you. I tell ya what, how about you get a hotel room. We can play a game of dominos tonight as a last hurrah. We’ll chill and say our kind goodbyes. You could also spend more time with Dante tomorrow, rather than feel rushed seeing him tonight. Do you want to do that? No sex. Just talk and dominos?”
I had truly only intended to have a game and a gentleman’s talk. Sex was off the table.
“Yeah, I would like that”, Rosie responded with a friendly smile and equally soft energy.
When I arrived back at Liv’s, I told her the plan. I said, “Liv, I’m going to stay the night at a hotel with Rosie. We are going to play dominos and talk some more. He is headed back to Montreal in the morning. He’ll drop me back off here either tonight, or in the morning”.
“Okay mum, if you’re sure.”
With that, I packed a change of clothes just in case we would have a drink. I would rather spend the night in the same room with Rosie, than get into a car with him after drinking. I was also focused on his painful life. My pain was placed aside. My heart was aching for him, and for me. My people pleasing ego had the reigns. I was choosing to end our relationship amicably.
That night, if my memory serves me correctly, Rosie acquired a room in the hotel across the street from the hotel I had last stayed at in Fredericton, with him. It was the hotel where I found out about Rosie’s romantic trip with Gemma to Mexico. I had a flash image pop up in my mind as we passed by that hotel. The hotel stands there innocently as its symbology now attacks my mind. My association with that hotel, and the motel beside the highway, ignites a small trigger within me. It is challenging for me to see the hotel with fondness. When I see that hotel today, it still acts as a little reminder. It doesn’t help that my second husband asked me to marry him inside the hotel’s restaurant back in 2003, either. Fredericton is a small world.
It may sound strange when I say, finding out about Mexico with Gemma devastated me more than finding out he cheated on me. I dreamt of a romantic holiday with my loving partner for so long by then. Decades even. I didn’t have a real honeymoon. Any trip I did go on with either of my husbands had been tarnished with a memory of their chosen behavior. Today, having a genuine loving, adventurous, and equally relaxing holiday with my special person, is imperative for my mental and emotional health.
I can cut a man off for cheating and remain healthier in mind easier than I can forget and heal from that trip to Mexico. It still hurts me today. The remainder of that healing will occur when I replace the memory with a new empowering one. That new replacement memory would be a honeymoon with my true love. In fact, genuine true love and adventures with my person is my ultimate wish fulfillment. Earthly pleasures outside of that are a bonus for me. Rosie knew that about me all too well.
We all have sensitive topics which create triggers. You are designed to metaphorically sit alone inside of yourself, whilst viewing a lifelike amphitheatre 3D screen within your mind. You are also the projector projecting the image you are subconsciously choosing to watch. With the exception of your higher self, ancestors, and the God consciousness, there is no one with you inside the dark theater. You are in your own private space. Watching your own private movie that you design, produce, and direct. Everyone else you come into contact with are the actors in your movie. They have designated roles to play. The role each person plays is determined by your direction. Your direction is determined by your perception. You choose the way the scene plays out, and with which actor you wish to interact with.
Another person views their reality the same way. It doesn’t matter who the other person is. You, as an example, may be an innocent person, and yet, experience nasty judgments and projections. When this happens, a person isn’t seeing you. They are seeing their pain through you, just like the way I view the innocent hotel as painful. In an interaction involving painful projections, the person experiencing the trigger is living in the past, whilst you would be in the present. When you get triggered by their unwarranted actions towards you, you too would subconsciously jump into your past and react from there. It’s the way our egos play with one another.
Your ego keeps you in your past and future. Your spirit keeps you in the present. When you are triggered, even if innocently by someone, you are not seeing the present. You are seeing your pain and experiencing the past all over again. It is for this reason, it is vitally important for you to be fully aware of yourself. When you are fully aware and accepting of yourself, you gain the wisdom to know when you are being a symbol for someone, and when they are simply acting as a symbol for your better understanding. When you can do that, you can see past the surface. You would be better equipped internally to accept and actively practice the saying, “never judge a book by its cover”. You gain the ability to release the pain associated with the projections, gently, and naturally, over the remainder of your current incarnation. You no longer would be reacting from an oppressed subconscious belief. Instead you would react with a higher level of understanding and acceptance.
The hotel, and what it symbolizes for me is an excellent example of how innocence can be portrayed as evil. The hotel is a hotel, nothing more. I know that intellectually. Emotionally, the hotel is devastation and heartache. The pain I have at the moment overrides the logic behind the projection I am sending towards the hotel. My perception is out of the hotel’s, and it’s associates’ control. The perception is within me to alchemize. I’m getting there slowly and surely.
Rosie brought vodka and lemonade for himself, and a coconut rum drink for me that night. Rosie knew coconut rum was hard for me to resist. He was also being somewhat thoughtful. He thought to bring my favorite drink as well, Malibu rum. Normally he would have only brought vodka for his personal liking. Malibu rum was a special treat for me. I was being treated that night.
I sat on the curved arm chair in the corner. Rosie was sitting in a table chair across from me at the table. Clairity popped in and whispered, “drink that slowly. Sip it. You have questions. Remember?”
With Clairity’s loving advice in mind, I sipped the Malibu like it was an 18 year Glenfiddich. Nice and slow. After a game or two of dominoes, I was craving a vape. “I’m going to pop outside for a few minutes to vape and have a bit of smokie. My legs are restless. The smokie will help me get ready for sleep”, I explained.
“Okay. I’ll come with you.”
With that, Rosie and I went outside to a designated smoking area. It was after midnight at this point, so it was nice and quiet. Fredericton is a tiny city. Not much really goes on after 11 pm in the area of town where we were staying.
Whilst I was standing outside with a little joint in hand, Rosie got out a cigarette. “Yeah, I started smoking again”, he sheepishly said with the light of his lighter.
That was a little red flag I chose to acknowledge silently. He kept smoking quiet from me up until then. It seemed Rosie was still comfortable with keeping secrets. I took a mental note of that and said, “no worries. It’s understandable with all the stress”. He only found out about my addiction that night as well. Who was I to judge?
After our smoke Rosie and I went back inside, with me not realizing spirit had a plan to get him to fess up what he was still hiding from me. I knew I had channeled spirits from time to time in my past. Channeling a supposed angel was not on my bucket list of things to do. The evening, and following weeks’ events were just getting started.
LivWithClairity 
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