(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
There I was, sitting in my bedroom, inside Liv’s place, doing heavy inner reflection, and talking with Clairity, when all of a sudden, Liv came into the doorway of my room and announced, “Mum, Rosie’s here”.
“He’s what? Where?” I said in wide eyed shock.
One thing about the universe, when there is something valuable to learn, you never see it coming. Hearing Liv tell me Rosie was in New Brunswick, let alone in her driveway, knocked me right smack back into a full blown ego state. With that said, I did grow a fair bit by then. Some of my ego states were no longer a trapped little girl. My ego was a big girl that day. With that said, I also had much to learn.
I was in the beginning stages of healing. I was doing my best to come to terms with my spirituality being shaken. I was rebuilding my connection and trust in all that is. I was coming to a better understanding of my trauma based patterns. I had made some connections when it came to Rosie’s intelligence, and some of his behavior which were similar to that of my dad. I had to come to terms with the fact that I allowed Rosie to convince me that my intuition was incorrect. That the loving guidance I received from Clairity was wrong. That I was not seeing things clearly. I had to come to the agonizing terms that Rosie manipulated me into doubting my intuition from the first time I learned of Wendy in 2020. I questioned God, right up until spirit helped me to find Rosie’s colorful little pleasure treasure box in 2023.
Between the beginning of April, 2023, through to mid July, 2023, I only started to become increasingly sensitive to Clairity’s frequency. I had also only recently requested my heart back from God. I felt I was taking my life back.
I was making videos on TikTok offering a different perspective on life events. I was starting to feel better. It’s amazing what three months of isolation away from those who torment a heart, can do for your soul. I was healing. I was not depleted of love. I’m not certain I could ever be fully depleted of love. If that were the case, love would have been gone from me a long time ago. The love I had for Rosie was still within me from my ego’s perspective. The little girl in me wanted to continue to see Rosie’s potential. Rather than who Rosie truly was at that time. Everyone has potential. Some can take several lifetimes to realize.
I continue to have love for Rosie today. The love I continue to send him is sent from a spiritual perspective, and from a different light, at a distance. Today, I love him for both his light side and his dark side. I see both within him. I see him more clearly today than I have ever been able to see him. Therefore, I maintain a loving distance, permanently.
I’m certain Clairity respectfully pulled her energy back the moment the shocking truth of Rosie’s whereabouts became known. It was either that, or, my ego pushed her away enough for her to poof right out of my awareness for a moment. Clairity was there more as a quiet observer, rather than as a strongly active guide.
It’s amazing, the moment of a presented trigger, our minds instantly take us back to a younger stage in our personal evolution. How one trigger creates a tidal wave of emotions not yet identified, nor have come to terms with within ourselves. We instantly become a child once again. It amazes me how that works. Knowing this to be true within me anyway, helps me to see the innocence within other people, including Rosie.
Have you noticed that pattern? Having a difficult time managing your emotions during a familiar experience? Children learn their experienced emotions with the help of their leaders and peers. Adults utilize what they learned about their emotions in childhood. When a child doesn’t receive guidance on how to manage their emotions through identifying what they are, within the entire emotional spectrum, the adult version of them will exude the emotion their inner child is stuck on.
Once the inner child becomes stuck, the adult version resorts to their inner teenager for defense. The inner teenager is held inside because the inner teenager is programmed to protect the smaller child within. When the smaller inner child is scared or hurt, the inner teenager takes over. Impulsively, an adult then acts out the way a pissed off teenager or hurt teenager would react.
I’ve come to learn, not through standardized education, rather through my observations, and Clairity’s insight, that if an inner teenager grew into an “everyone for themselves when it comes to love and money” thinking adult, the adult ended up with a trapped, self-centeredness perception later in life. Empathy tends to elude this reality. Instead, analytics and the physical pursuit of happiness takes center stage. Creating a blockage in perception as it relates to other people’s feelings.
If the teenager inside the adult had grown to see emotional pain and material gain as bad, they likely developed a skewed sense of love and empathy over time. In this instance, me included, hurt empathetic adults tend to defend themselves by demanding their emotions be heard. Thoughts and expressions of an extreme empathetic person can sound similar to “you don’t understand me! You keep ignoring me. My feelings don’t matter! You have no empathy!”. Sometimes those thoughts can play out in their reality like a broken record skipping a beat to the point of insanity.
Over time, through compounding triggers, narcissists, and empaths are born. Two beautiful children fighting with their perception of love and what it means for themselves. When I became an adult, I metaphorically gave birth to an empathic people pleaser who refused to see the natural darkness in another. I stubbornly focused on the light side of people. With Rosie, I was no different. I was only willing to glimpse his shadow, not actually confront it.
If you experience this phenomena from time to time, yay, you’re a creation with energy in motion. In other words, congratulations, you are perceived as normal. You can only create boundaries from the awareness of the gaps in your loving perception. By recognizing your trigger, where it is coming from, and what you chose to believe in yourself based off of that knowledge, you can create a respectable boundary. The next challenge is keeping your boundary firmly in place.
Triggers are an integral part of life. They help you to identify a hidden pattern. The trigger is a big clue to an unsolved case in your past. The experience for the trigger is your universe’s gentle, or violent, nudge to look at it more thoroughly. When you experience a trigger, you are telling yourself that your inner child perceived a crime being committed against you.
Your inner child is stuck with an exam paper confused on the way to solve it. Your inner child can only see the crime, not the evidence. Evidence is always found in hindsight. To release yourself from a trigger, you must lovingly educate the trapped version of you. The child in you who doesn’t understand why you had to experience something so painful. The child who is having a hard time extracting their higher wisdom from it.
With Rosie, my little girl was still questioning, why? The woman in me, stands by a certain perspective. That perspective is this; rather than judge a person based on their past, judge a person based upon what they have learned about themselves because of their past. Rosie and I had a past. I was curious to know what he had learned from it.
I had gone to visit Liv in her new place a couple of times before this shocking tower moment. Rosie had driven me there so he was familiar with where she had lived. “He’s standing in the driveway. He’s been out there for a good while”, Liv explained.
Liv saw Rosie when she was outside in the back area enjoying a smoke. She came into the house to let me know he was there. My first thought was, what do I do? My second thought was to take a deep breath. My third was to recognize the anxiety welling up inside of my stomach, and the knot I felt upon hearing he had shown up at our door. I didn’t feel the shudder up my spine which alerts a sense of danger within me. I was respecting Clairity’s advice to the best of my ability by checking in with myself though.
I acknowledged what Liv said, whilst slightly attuned to Clairity’s frequency. “Okay dear. I’ll go see what he wants”.
Clairity whispered, “be observant. Stay calm. See, past what you see.”
I acknowledge Clairity as I was standing in the designated smoking area at the back of the house. I took another deep breath. Then two steps down onto the driveway.
“Hi”, I said loud enough for Rosie to hear. He was standing about twenty-five feet away from me, nearer to the end of the driveway. He was about to get back into his car. He must have been contemplating knocking on the door, then thought better of it. I suspect he was about to get back into his car, drive up to a gas station, park, then text me to say he was in town. I didn’t have my own car. He had no idea who’s car was who’s in the driveway. He didn’t know if I was home or not, so him thinking to text me away from the house made sense to me.
Rosie turned around and said “hey.” He was definitely anxious. We both were. Without him moving a muscle, Rosie stood there and asked in a friendly manner “can we talk? Can we go for a drive somewhere, please?”
“Sure, okay”, I agreed. Whilst simultaneously shooing Clairity away from my conscious awareness. Her wise voice popped in for a moment to make certain I was comfortable with proceeding. “Are you sure you want to do this?”, was all Clairity asked. I sighed and thought, fuck it. Rip the bandaid off. Let’s do this.
“Let me go in and tell Liv, and grab a smokie and vape to take with me.” I said that without caring what he thought of my vaping nor smoking weed. That was a first for me, not caring what he thought.
Rosie quickly acknowledged, “okay, sounds good.” With that, Rosie got back into his car. I went inside and told Liv that I was headed out the door with Rosie and that I would be returning in an hour or so. Liv looked at me with a, “are you certain?”, expression upon her face. I looked at her and asked, “baby can I grab a smokie off ya?”, followed by, “everything is okay baby. I know what I am doing. I’ve got this.” With that, I had Mary Jowana in my pocket, and Vapolicious hugged in my right hand.
Side note, I am affirming that vaping is a thing of my past. I am lovingly reducing this addiction without creating pressure for myself. I enjoy the benefits of marijuana. My plan is to eliminate the smoke and change to another health conscious option. My lungs and heart deserve loving rest. I grant this to myself.
I got into Rosie’s beautiful black car. He had a rather rare Acura at that time. We decided to get a coffee so we drove to the local, commonly known in Canada, coffee shop, Tim Hortons. Otherwise affectionately known as, Timmy’s.
Rosie and I opted for the drive-thru. After we got our coffees, I suggested we go to a nature trail I was familiar with nearby. Liv, her family, and I had gone there several times during the three months of mine and Rosie’s, then separation.
Rosie may be intimidating. I know he would never hit me. He may physically fight another male if he had to. With that said, he was not a physically aggressive man in general. He was energetically threatening and highly manipulative, not physical. I knew my physical safety was fine with him at that time. With that, we drove to the trail, parked, then walked inside the forest in silence whilst sipping our coffees.
Rosie was intuitively following my lead. I was leading us to a bench I was familiar with. As mentioned in previous posts, my legs require frequent rest. After about five minutes of walking, we came to the wooden carved bench that sat right by a gentle stream.
“What are some things you have reflected on Rosie?”, was the first question I had asked him upon being seated.
The question now is, were his answers to my questions sincere?, or, had he mastered the art of manipulation and was simply behaving? One thing I can say is, he was a Master Teacher. I was an excellent student. Not without agonizing pain though. What came next floored me.
LivWithClairity 
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