(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I worked for Yellow Pages from July, 1992 through to April, 1999, and then again from July 2000 to April, 2001.
During my initial employment at Yellow Pages, Albert and I had two beautiful babies. My eldest, Olivia, was born in November, 1996. Laura, my youngest, was born in December, 1997.
In between my maternity leaves, I advanced myself within the graphics design department at Yellow Pages. I became so familiar with the different clerical jobs throughout the department, to the point where I was designated as a floater. In fact, they created that role for me. No one else floated between the front entry clerks, to the back end quality assurance department like I did. Anytime an area became back logged, I helped to pick up the slack. The only area I was not qualified to assist in was with the artists themselves. I was familiar with all things clerical. The wages I was making back then were anywhere between twenty dollars an hour, to twenty-five dollars an hour. The wage depended on the job function I was working on. Decent pay in my mind back in 1999.
After a while of me working the evening shifts from 4:00 pm to midnight each day, and Albert working the day shift from 8:00 am until 5:00 pm each day, a strong rift between us developed. We were living like roommates, with two small children needing all our attention during the week. On the weekends we were doing our family duties. Including grocery shopping, and new clothes shopping for growing babies.
If you’re a parent, you know what responsibilities come with energetic babies. Fun times. Wouldn’t you agree? Said with a wink and a smile.
If we weren’t doing regular housekeeping duties, we were off visiting Albert’s family. Sunday evenings I went out to play bingo. I had to get back to the night shift hours. I have never been one for watching tellie for all hours. I prefer to be active. Bingo it was. So, when you put it all together, Albert and I were in a intimate marriage, one evening a week, Saturdays.
My boss at the time, felt if I wanted to continue growing in my career, I would be smart to leave Yellow Pages. My boss felt I wasn’t living up to my fullest potential there. The ceiling for growth was too firm for me. He felt I wouldn’t be doing myself any favors staying in a place where I wouldn’t be able to grow. I am grateful to this day for his honest, and truthful insight.
With my mother offering me a position to work for her as a recruitment officer, I thought that could work. In my mind, moving to New Brunswick with work potential, and with options for Albert to work, would be a fresh start for us. Albert didn’t really like the idea. At the same time, Albert also agreed that the way we were living wasn’t working for our marriage either. After my pleas for a new start, Albert agreed to the move, reluctantly.
After I quit my job at Yellow Pages in April, 1999, my father came to get me and our girls. He picked us up in his vehicle that was pulling a U-Haul trailer attached to it. I fit as much of my stuff as I could fit. Along with our girls toys, movies, clothing, bedding, and baby needs. The plan was for Albert to keep working where he was at, whilst looking for work over the internet, and wait for the sale of our first home.
I left almost everything we owned at the house with Albert. Albert also opted to keep the Caravan whilst I was left with a small two-door sporty thing of a car for me and our girls. I didn’t mind. I figured we would have the van and everything sorted when he came to be with us. Life didn’t go according to plan.
I think Grandpa Joe knew what was in store for me next. He knew of Albert’s hidden plans. I believe that knowledge was what prompted Grandpa Joe to come visit me one night. He hadn’t visited me since before I moved in with Albert. Grandpa Joe’s intention was to eleviate some denser energy I was carrying. He knew if I kept holding onto it, I would not have had the strength for what was going to happen next in my life. To me, seeing Grandpa Joe was a lovely surprise.
One night in May, 1999, just a few days into living in a new house my parents purchased for me to live in, my Grandpa Joe came to see me through a dream. In this dream, I was walking on asphalt, across a dimly lit, expansive, and empty parking lot. It was nighttime in my dream. I could see the wet glistening ground under each light post. That told me it must have rained at some point. As I continued to walk, I noticed two tall buildings in front of me. In between these buildings was a slender alley way. The alley way was also dimly lit. As I approached the alley, two silhouettes appeared. One large, and one small. As they walked closer to me I could see that the person was my Grandpa Joe. He was holding the hand of a small child.
“Hi Clair”, Grandpa Joe greeted me in his usual soft, casual manner. “Hi Grandpa Joe. Who’s this?”, I asked with keen curiosity. I looked down at the small child, then back up into Grandpa Joe’s blue eyes in complete bewilderment. Grandpa Joe never brought a child to me before then.
“Look again”, Grandpa Joe instructed, as he nodded his head downward, and towards his left. He was referring to the small child. I looked back at the small child, only this time, I looked into the child’s eyes. I gasped in shock.
“That’s Olivia!” I exclaimed with excitement. “Yes dear. She only waited another minute. Time isn’t the same here as it is there. There is a reason for everything. There is much to learn from your experience. Hating yourself isn’t one of them. Now close your eyes dear”. I closed my eyes in my dream, and then instantly woke up in my bed.
Liv was conceived approximately two years after the first baby’s conception, almost to the day, and was due around the same day as the first baby. Liv and the first baby would have had the same zodiac sign, if not actual birthday. Do you consider that a coincidence?, or, do you think maybe, just maybe, that’s the one minute Grandpa Joe was referring to? Do you find that to be curious as much as I do?
I responded to Clairity’s question after thinking about that dream. I said “I understand that I am not being punished for that decision. I also understand that there is nothing I can do to convince people in any direction as it relates to choices concerning pregnancy, and personal autonomy. Grandpa Joe helped me to understand greatly. What’s the reason you are bringing this up now?”
“Your Grandpa Joe mentioned that there was more to learn from the experience. What was the true reason you agreed to terminate the pregnancy? What were you afraid of?”
Ouch, that question hurt. No one enjoys criticism. Even if it is constructive and extremely helpful. I thought about it. Then truthfully responded with, “I was afraid to be alone”.
Clairity continued, “yes, correct. When you left your parents’ home, you moved right in with Albert. You had no time to establish yourself. We have exposed you to different experts online, what have you come to learn about this fear?”
I learned that I was in a codependent relationship. I was with him for the wrong reasons.
“Correct again. Good job Clair. I know this is rough. Keep going.” Clairity can be very supportive and extremely motivational at times. Her tenacious ways kick me in the arse to take accountability too. Like I said, I am my own best friend. I used to be my own worst enemy. I love how my brain works.
After that wee little pep talk, Clairity went on to ask, “how did Albert ask you to marry him?”
Albert and I were going somewhere in his car. He was driving when he passed me a ring box. “Open it”, he instructed, whilst keeping his eyes on the road. I opened the black velvet box to find a cute little, four leaf clover shaped, diamond ring.
I wasn’t sure what kind of ring it was. I rarely wore jewelry then. I have no jewelry now. You could consider me ignorant to that sort of thing.
I placed the ring on my right finger and said thank you to Albert. Albert responded with “why are you putting it on that finger?” I said I didn’t know.
“Why wouldn’t I? Isn’t that what it is for?”. “No. It’s an engagement ring.”, he clarified.
“You didn’t even ask me.” I retorted back. “Well then, consider us engaged”, was Albert’s last remark.
With that, I said okay. Then placed the ring on my left ring finger. That was it. That was Albert’s well thought out proposal.
“What’s the reason you accepted such a weak gesture for an engagement?” Wow Clairity can be brutal sometimes.
When Albert asked me to marry him, it was the summer after my twentieth birthday. I was still in mental and emotional turmoil over the abortion. After the procedure, all I received from Albert for my birthday was a card he bought from the hospital gift shop that read, “I’ll make it up to you.”
I also didn’t want to live with my parents. I felt stuck and hopeful that Albert would love me the way I so desperately wanted to be loved. I was willing to make sacrifices just so that I wasn’t left alone. I had invested so much of myself into Albert by that point. I said yes to him on an imagined idea of a fabulous life going forward. I said yes to an abortion out of fear of abandonment. I said yes because by then, I formed a codependent addiction within me. Without realizing it. I used my imagination to convince myself I was doing the right thing.
“Correct again” Clairity whispered softly.
“There are layers to you Clair”, Clairity continued. “There is another reason for your yes to Albert’s proposal. What was it?” Now we are going deep.
Okay, this rabbit hole was starting to really sting. I had to really think about this one.
Well, I guess not so much think, more, acknowledge and accept within me. The other reason for saying yes was because in my mind, I was already broken. My vagina had scars from him and someone else. I didn’t think anyone else would love me or want me. I figured, since Albert knew about both, I was accepted by him. That was enough for me. I chose to be with him because I didn’t believe I was beautiful. I didn’t believe I was someone anyone would love. I didn’t love myself and I was afraid to be alone.
“Truth” was Clairity’s next message. “What type of wedding did you have?, and was it your ideal ceremony?” were Clairity’s loving prodded.
I wanted a beautiful outdoor wedding with close friends and family. I was making bouquets out of fake flowers when Albert said he would prefer to elope. Again, just like with sacrificing my right to the first pregnancy, I once again sacrificed my joy of a lovely outdoor wedding. Instead, we eloped in Niagra Falls with his best friend, and his best friend’s girlfriend as our witnesses.
I wore a summer dress for my wedding gown. Albert wore a nice suite. We stood in a tiny office with a Justice of the Peace and said “I do”. That was it. None of my family attended. None of his family did either. Albert considered going to Niagra Falls to elope as a twofer. A wedding, and a honeymoon all in one place. We were there for three days total.
How does all of this relate to my dad, I wondered. With that, Clairity offered up some insightful knowledge. Through her continued prodding, I came to realize a few things.
My dad worked all hours. Albert was extremely career and money driven. Career came first in Albert’s life. The children and I were secondary. My mother, both my brother, and I, were secondary to my father’s career goals.
Remember, my mother moved with my father several times for his career growth. My mother sacrificed her career aspirations to support my dad’s vision for himself on more than one occasion.
My father was intelligent. Albert was intelligent. My father did what he wanted to do and grumbled when he felt obligated to do things with my mum. Albert and I did things he wanted to do. We rarely did things solely because I wanted to.
I don’t remember my dad taking my mum out on too many dates. Albert didn’t take me out either. Oh there are definite patterns emerging. The breadcrumbs I was collecting were starting to make a snack sized treat.
Thank goodness for Grandpa Joe’s loving message to me about my daughter. I definitely needed it. What came next was what Clairity wanted to discuss. Jack gave me a key. Clairity was taking me down a side quest to uncover more about my connection with the divine.
LivWithClairity 
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