(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
The first three days of living back with Liv in her apartment after leaving Rosie in April, 2023, I remained quiet. Unless I was vaping, or smoking some weed with Liv outside, in which case, I was pleasantly social. Liv let me be. She didn’t ask me questions other than “mum you doing okay?”
Liv knows I have a three day retreat policy in my mind. During the three days, I process and reflect on a painful experience. She honors that time by stepping back. She waits for me to approach her. When I am showing signs of interacting again, she’ll ask me a question we both agreed to ask each other. We continue to honor this communication between us to this day. The question is, “ears, mouth, or silence, mum?”
The question, ears, mouth, or silence, is an abbreviated version for asking “do you want my ears for listening?, or, my mouth for advice?, or, silence while I hold space for you?. If Liv heard ears, she knows I am ready to talk. When we talk, it usually turns into some incredibly insightful knowledge coming from Liv.
I love a person who can get me to stop and look at something from a different perspective. The “ah, I hadn’t thought of it that way!”, inspired thinking. Liv can do that for me. I love that about her. She also knows my language without me having to say a word. She knew the pain I was going through. She honored my process of retreat.
The first night, whilst laying in bed sobbing, I begged God to take my heart and hold it. I couldn’t bear the pain. I was beating myself up right, left, and center. “Why did I doubt my intuition? Why did I let him manipulate me to the point of doubting you?!”, referring to my God. “Why didn’t I listen? I know I deserved to feel the pain both my father and Gemma must have felt. Does it have to be this excruciating?”
Karma can certainly be a bitch. It hurt. I couldn’t handle the pain. With that, in my mind’s eye, I pictured light with gentle, loving, male hands, cupped together, extended out towards me. My heart then softly and slowly glided out of my chest, landing gently in the cupped hands. I then took a deep, soothing breath, and said “thank you. I will take it back when I am strong enough. I love you. Thank you for always being here for me. Thank you for sending Bill to get me. Thank you for reaching in and pulling me out of Rosie’s place. I know I am safe. And so it is”. After that, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
The next day I was fully in my masculine energy. I remained in my intellect for the duration of time God was holding my heart. The nurturing caregiver in me took a much needed rest. Approximately six weeks or so of rest. During those few weeks I asked the loving voice inside my mind some deep questions. I was determined to get to the root of all my heartache and disappointments in life.
Before I introduce you to some powerful questions you can ask yourself when moving through heartache, I would like to introduce you to three different sides of me.
I have an ego side, who was given the name Clair.T. at birth. I also have an inner voice whom I refer to as Clairity. Clairity maintains a different frequency within me. She vibes differently. There is a distinct difference which I can sense. When I hear her voice my ego is at rest. My ego becomes an attentive, curious minded thinker, whilst listening. It’s like I am a student in my mind. The other voice, Clairity, is my teacher. I gave the other voice the name Clairity to help me distinguish the difference externally to me. In other words, to make it easier to explain where I get my insightful information from, to you.
When I asked God to take my heart, I adopted a new way of viewing myself and my world. I am the ego, Clair. I am the spirit, Clairity. I am the observer, God perspective. I can jump between all three perspectives inside my mind. I have conversations there inside my mind. Insightful ones. Inspiring ones. Thought provoking ones. Honest ones. Sometimes painful ones. Doing so keeps me connected to all that is. Doing so also helps me prevent a feeling of loneliness within me.
Loneliness is born from a reality in which a person feels misunderstood. A subconscious belief then fosters a perception of being lost within a sea of faces. No one truly knows them, therefore, they would not accept them. When a lonely person does their best to show their true self, they often experience some form of rejection. This is due to attracting someone who would reject them. Your ego will always prove you correct. When a person secretly believes they are worthy of rejection, the universe will find their match. Therefore, the universe obliges with a person’s mission to be rejected. To combat this perceived reality, I foster an internal relationship with all that is. I reinforce this connection by having these internal conversations. I remain understood this way.
Since I was young I have been guided. I didn’t always know that I was. Sometimes I felt detached from spirit or guiding forces. I felt abandoned from a spiritual perspective as well. Although I felt lost and alone many times throughout my life, I have always been protected and guided. I just didn’t always know that was the case. The first time I heard a wayward voice in spirit form, I was being attacked by a child predator, Necklace man. That was just the beginning of my conversations with spirit.
One night, shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I was in bed sleeping. Next thing I knew, I was sitting up in my bed. I looked to my left. On my left was a man sitting on my desk. “Hi grandpa Joe,” I said, as if I had known him forever. Grandpa Joe looked a lot like caucasian Santa Claus. He had thick salt and pepper wavy hair with a full beard, a full sized belly, tweed pants that I could see to his knee bend, brown suspenders, and warm blue eyes.
“Hi dear. Everything is going to be okay. You are going to be okay.” he replied. Grandpa Joe must have known I had been standing at the edge of a cliff, contemplating life that day. As Grandpa Joe lovingly told me I was going to be okay, he extended his hands out towards me with his palms facing upward. I went to grab his hands. As soon as I did, Grandpa Joe took his hands away swiftly and said “no dear. It’s not your time yet. You have much to do.”
I was a bit confused by that. Based on his gesture, I thought he wanted me to grab his hands. At the same time, another apparition caught my attention. A petite, long auburn haired woman glided from my bedroom doorway, across my room, straight over to my bed, then sat beside me. “Who’s this grandpa?” I asked, whilst my eyes remained fixated on the woman. So fixated, I didn’t see the second woman appear in front of my closet door right away.
The woman in front of my door was slender in stature. She had a blue dress on with a full white apron. She had brown hair, tied back in a French bun, and held her hands cupped in front of her at her waist. The shape of her face was slender and somewhat oval. Her face itself was missing. Instead of there being a face, there was a soft glowing light with no distinguishable features.
“Hi Clair. I’m Mary. It’s nice to finally meet you.” The woman with the auburn hair said in a kind soft voice. I didn’t feel threatened at all. I was curious. “Who is this Grandpa Joe?” I inquired, whilst looking back at him. “This is your aunt Mary” he replied. “She’s not my aunt. I know who my aunts are.” I rebuttal with a confused look. “This is your great aunt, Mary”, he lovingly explained.
I looked back at my aunt Mary and said “Hi. It’s nice to meet you”. Then for whatever reason, I got up from my bed, walked across my room towards the woman with no face, placed my pillow where her feet should have been, hugged my heart shaped pillow with a blanket on top of me, looked up, said “good night”, and then fell asleep. I never asked who the closet woman was. I did act as if I knew her intimately though.
The next day I woke up to my mother asking me “what the hell are you doing sleeping on the floor?”. I told her about the “dream”. She got an old photo album. I pointed out her aunt Mary who had died from a hole in her heart at the age of twenty-eight, or twenty-nine years of age. Long before I was even thought of. Let alone born. There was something to that “dream.”
Grandpa Joe took me on a couple of profound adventures after that. One adventure that stays with me, and is incredibly vivid even now, was when Grandpa Joe took me to the “other side” to help me understand the self inflicted prison I was placing myself in, inside my mind. That’s for the next blog entry. It is well worth your time and energy to read.
LivWithClairity 
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