(Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect their privacy. Some information may be disturbing for some readers. Read at your discretion. 18+)
I was relieved when Rosie didn’t show up before Bill and I left his apartment that Sunday afternoon in April. At the same time, I knew it may have been possible for us to come across him and the kids before getting on the highway to freedom. When Rosie is determined, there is nothing stopping him. His efforts may fizzle out after a short burst of energy. With that said, his bursts can be tenacious and one-track minded. In my mind, anything was possible.
Whilst Bill and I were driving, headed towards the highway exit, I was hyper vigilant. Whilst my head was down in defeat, my eyes were also glued on the roads. I scanned every which way I knew that Rosie would have driven. I kept praying “please don’t show up. Please don’t show up.”, inside my head. I didn’t talk much. I am a private person by nature. I wasn’t about to divulge my personal life to Bill. Bill knew that about me so he simply did his respectful thing by focusing on the road ahead of him. I on the other hand was thinking Rosie could show up at any moment. That thought caused my stomach to become nauseated. I wanted to pull over to the side of the road to vomit. It was extremely uncomfortable to resist.
The beautiful voice I often hear inside my head fell silent that day. I know spirit was working with me. I still felt completely detached from them at the time. I tend to be more of a “what will be, will be”, style of thinker. I am also somewhat of a risk taker. Life is all about taking a leap of faith. Right? I rely on my faith to see me through. Not this day. This day I was a scrambled mess in my mind. I’m not certain how I managed to hold it together. All I knew at that time was that Rosie was on his way home. With it being a small town, he would have likely seen us if I was there on the side of the road puking my guts out. It scared me to think, if he saw me there puking, he would have driven over to us and confronted us. I didn’t want that possibility. I wanted to avoid any sort of confrontation. Especially in front of the kids.
During my time with Rosie, I received a second hand witness to the interactions between his ex, Gemma, and himself. Gemma would yell and curse at him to the point that she could make a truck driver blush. Being a master manipulator, Gemma would twist truths by exacerbating it. She would also make false accusations and idle threats on a semi-regular basis.
Rosie refrained from doing any of those things. Rosie’s threats were more of a silent nature. For a while there, Rosie would record Gemma secretly so that he could have proof of her hostility in front of the kids. I recognize recording her on his phone was deceitful and that the courts discouraged that sort of behavior. I also don’t blame him for doing it. His children’s safety with their mother was such a concern that he became somewhat paranoid. Rosie was most certainly hyper vigilant on a daily basis, in all aspects of his day and life, especially when it came to his kids and Gemma.
It pained me to see Rosie in such deep survival mode. Every man for himself tended to be his thought process. He also fiercely loves his children. Rosie may be lost on how to be a loving and nurturing father. Nonetheless, his children are his top priority. Gemma on the other hand, often drove on the busy highways of Montreal without car seats for the children when they were at a size, and weight, for car seats. That used to piss me off too. Which added to my tainted view of her.
The exchanges with the kids were also extremely tense at the best of times. Remember, I can feel energy. The kids and Rosie were always increasingly anxious the closer we got to the exchange point. I was consumed by it on days when I was in the car with them. The kids loved to see their mother. They love their mother dearly. They hated feeling the intense energy between their parents. Rosie’s poor kids. My goodness they had been through a lot.
Rosie had also installed a camera in his apartment so that he could observe Jean whilst he was at work. Rosie and Jean could talk back and forth through it’s functions. On Rosie’s late nights they would converse more often that way. Since I also knew about the camera, I knew he may have been watching me load my stuff at the front door whilst he was in Montreal. I also knew he was unpredictable and playing with my mind. He may have been sitting comfortably in Montreal watching the camera screen when he texted me to tell me he was coming home. He may have known exactly what time it was that I left. Rosie knew I was scared. He knew his intimidation tactic would rattle me. It did.
Rosie planted a seed of a potential confrontation. My thoughts when Bill and I were driving were, he would either have wanted to confront us, or at the very least, he would have had a contemptuous smirk on his face whilst driving past. Thinking “good, that witch deserves it”, and about how he affected me. He did enjoy his ego boosts after all.
I say witch because I know Rosie is afraid of the real potential effects of dark practices. Voodoo rituals, and witchcraft were taboo in Rosie’s world. In my perception anything can turn dark. Anything can be of light. Both are required for our existence. It all depends on the intentions within a practitioner when it comes to the transfer of energy. If you’re not doing anything shady, there is nothing to fear.
I also know very little about Voodoo or witchcraft. I know very little about a lot of things. Continued self awareness helps conquer those demons. Which is what this journey is all about for me, and where I am guiding you to do the same as you read along.
I know there may be times when what you read triggers a painful memory. With all due respect, I am doing it on purpose. Pain is the key being handed to you. The memory is the door to unlock. You must choose to walk through. Otherwise you’ll collect keys like a custodian who had been collecting them throughout their entire career. Those get awfully heavy after a while. I know it’s painful. We can do this together.
Finally, the exit to the highway. Freedom was right in front of me. In that same moment of seeing the highway and feeling the slight sense of relief, I secretly yelled in my mind “Jean, Alyssa, I love you!!!”. Even now as I write this, I have tears welling up in my eyes. No sooner did I think that thought, the heavens opened up and the tears started flooding down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t hold back. I didn’t want Bill to see me like that. I never let him see the healing process I had to go through after our separation. Then ultimate divorce in 2017. It was too late. I collapsed in my seat, devastated by life. I was crushed. It felt like saying goodbye to my own children. Knowing I would never see them again. That’s what I was planning at the time anyway.
Whilst I was slumped in my seat, gazing out the window, Jack, my rabbit friend in my mind was beckoning me down another rabbit hole.
“You’re late! You’re late! You have another date”. I had a key in hand and thought, “sure let’s add more pain to my day.” The nine hour drive ahead was going to be an adventure to say the least.
LivWithClairity 
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